See I had a couple of different posts I wanted to or really could have written today, but I have not truly felt like getting myself to write any of them. In fact, all I feel right now is tired and all I want to do is watch I Zombie 🧟‍♀️ and relax until tomorrow comes. This is the temptation that follows me everywhere I go at all times. You don’t have to write anything today. You can do it tomorrow just blissfully think about nothing.

For a long time I thought this was normal. Wanting not to think about nothing. Not wanting to write not just out of fear, but something that feels akin to laziness. The truth is my brain isn’t the normal brain I thought I had. I have depression. I have always had depression and as far as I understand it I probably always will. How surreal is this?

The thing is this is the one thing that I have been afraid to share. It’s so new to me (well the idea that I have depression is) and I can’t help but feel odd about it. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast. I was feeling kind of dejected and to be honest I wasn’t really think of anything at all. My sister told me out of the blue “Tiana I think you have depression.” When the word hit me tears came immediately to my eyes and I hated that I was crying. “You know I said, I want to deny it and I want to say I don’t have depression, but I am already crying.”

I felt like I was a mind in another body. I had always had an interest in mental illness and my short time of hosting a mental health book club reading ya books that talk about mental illness are a test to that. The one thing I kept mentioning in those posts however was that I didn’t have a mental illness. It felt odd to me to actually come to realize that I did.

Ever since I was a little girl I was a crier and yeah I knew at times I was depressed, but I always attributed everything to the things that were happening to me. Moving away, getting yelled at constantly by my grandmother, going through her emotional abuse, losing my one true home, going into financial trouble. With all these things of course I cried.

But when I was crying it wasn’t just about the things that were happening. It was a self-pity and a almost hatred for myself that I could taste. I was always not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. The things that I still tell myself. I denied myself friendships. Through myself into reading and YouTube. And yet still there were times I would go in a rage crying. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all and that’s the worst. I cry and then I get angry at myself for crying and especially in my teens till now it was because I said something wrong to my mom or my sister. During these episodes the one thing that sticks with me is the hollow emptiness in my chest. The hopelessness mixed with pain and sorrow and my mind telling me that I will never be any better of a person then my grandmother was.

But the worst part is, I thought the bitter self awareness and self pity was somehow normal. I thought that my brain was working fine. I thought that in my situation of course I was crying every single night when I was in my first three years of high school. I thought I was normal because I could still laugh, because I was always so engaged in learning and because I have a love for dancing and getting lost in music. I thought it was normal because I was so good at hiding it in plane sight. I knew I was sad, but I also knew that it never stopped me from being happy. It’s when I’m alone or when I say something I thought was ok, but really wasn’t, when I do something wrong and should of known better is when I start my thought spirals. Something as simple as my sister gettin mad at me for not wanting to do the dishes has set it off before.

So when I say that I have the temptation not to do anything at all living inside me I mean that in a sad sense of apathy. It’s so easy for me to be mindless because not only does it chase the dejected thoughts away, but because I get exhausted when I put too much energy into something. Not too long ago I had to stop the habit of sleeping for 10-12 hours every night. In sleep is oblivion no thought no over analyzing and getting angry at myself for not doing things right.

I have depression and I think I have finally truly accepted it.

Suddenly, I am afraid of posting this, but I’m going to anyway. I wrote this because it’s finally stop hiding. Especially hiding from myself. I have spent so long in the dark thinking that there was nothing wrong with me at all. I had thought this way for so long with an almost sadistic thought process towards myself that I had an identity crisis when I was first coming to terms with depression. Because I wanted to know who I would be without it and I ached for a girl who was free of these kinds of thoughts with all of my heart. All I know is that this knowledge gives me something to step forward into the future and that is all I want.

Thanks for reading! Usually I put a I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below, but now I’m at a loss for words. It feels wrong to put something so happy in a post like this but I guess I’ll do it anyway.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I look forward to hearing from you. (Actually I’m kinda terrified but curious about what you have to say)

-Till next time!

22 thoughts on “The Temptation Not to do Anything at All

  1. I don’t think you have depression, Tiana. At all. I feel, reading your post, that you have not found the purpose of your life. I can tell, you are receptive to new ideas, I am sure you will find your way. Go for it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You see that’s the thing. I have found a purpose. Nothing brings me more joy then writing. I love to write novels and I love to share them with the world, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I feel sad all the time and that I’ve gotten so angry and frustrated with myself for no reason at all. I have all the signs of a depressed person it’s there weather or not I have things that bring me joy, because at the end of the day I feel like crap and I have felt that way for a long time. I am lost, but emotionally and I have no idea what it is to live without hopeless thoughts, even alongside the hopeful ones.

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    1. Thanks so much! That’s exactly why I wrote this. I don’t want to feel this way all the time and it’s something that has been a part of my life for years even if I didn’t have a word for it. I hope to move forward and to feel better.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is beautiful. Like you, I understood that I’m self-aware and accepting of my flaws and weaknesses, but when it came to apathy, I tried to justify it as laziness. But somewhere along the line, I’ve started to acknowledge that this was actually depression, but it wasn’t coming from a place where I’m unhappy with my life, but rather it’s a disappointment in myself. That constantly trips up your guilt, which I ultimately believe is a process we all have to struggle with at some point or another.

    After all, the best people in the world have to believe to some extent that they’re not good enough for them to BE good people, so I truly believe that in the future, you’ll find yourself a more amazing person than you think you are right now. So keep your chin up lovely! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! This means the world to me. Putting up this post was more terrifying then I ever thought it would be. It means so much to me to have someone understand. It makes putting myself out there feel all the more worth it. It’s also good to know that someone understands how I feel because they have experienced it similarly and as much as it sucks to live life in apathy in the struggle to come out of it its good to have some sort of support in this way.

      Thank you! I hope that you will also find yourself a better person then you ever once were in the future!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand, it’s still scary for me to reveal anything dark or personal about myself online (due to pride and embarrassment), so I find it very brave of you to write this post. It sounds easy to do on paper, but it’s actually REALLY hard to admit to yourself and others that your life isn’t perfect, so absolute kudos to you. And thank you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad you posted this. You are incredibly brave, strong, and courageous!

    For me, I always knew I had anxious tendencies, but when I was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in the summer of 2015, I finally felt the fog and confusion clear. I know my own parents still have trouble understanding my diagnosis, but knowing that there is mental illness on both sides of family, including multiple deaths by suicide, knowledge is power.

    I know someone mentioned therapy earlier, and I realize cost is a huge factor. Trust me, I know. My gentle recommendation is to talk to a pastor or someone you can trust. Or, better yet, schedule a visit with your doctor. They can help identify next steps and make some recommendations on your behalf. If you want to talk some more, my email address is on the Contact page on my blog. You are loved!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! This means a lot. It feels kind of a relief to actually think that what your mind has been doing for so long is from something that truly isn’t you and if it’s not really you then there are things you can do to work towards making that issue smaller and to be a small voice instead a large one. I will definitely do my best to talk to people I can trust. Since I found out I had been taking as many steps I could to move forward so I could make progress in my life and for the past few days it worked. But yesterday after I posted this I ended up having a breakdown that shouldn’t have been necessary and I know it will take a few days to really come back from it. But depression and mental illness is a long term process and I know that eventually I will be better for it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry that you had a breakdown, but it certainly happens. Tomorrow is a new day. I have meltdowns when things get out of my control and my brain literally can’t handle anything that is in front of my face. Depression and mental illness are still so stigmatized and misunderstood. However, I believe that coming together as a community will help each other of us.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! That’s good to hear. Honestly, I feel so weird that it took me so long to actually recognize my apathy and crying fits as depression. I guess I had a different thinking for what depression actually was, but mostly I think I have always been really good at hiding it.

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  4. This is such an amazing post to upload; for yourself and for others going through similar situations! We need to have more conversations about mental illness in our society. I wish you the best and I KNOW that this is something you can continue to get through!

    Liked by 1 person

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