See I had a couple of different posts I wanted to or really could have written today, but I have not truly felt like getting myself to write any of them. In fact, all I feel right now is tired and all I want to do is watch I Zombie 🧟♀️ and relax until tomorrow comes. This is the temptation that follows me everywhere I go at all times. You don’t have to write anything today. You can do it tomorrow just blissfully think about nothing.
For a long time I thought this was normal. Wanting not to think about nothing. Not wanting to write not just out of fear, but something that feels akin to laziness. The truth is my brain isn’t the normal brain I thought I had. I have depression. I have always had depression and as far as I understand it I probably always will. How surreal is this?
The thing is this is the one thing that I have been afraid to share. It’s so new to me (well the idea that I have depression is) and I can’t help but feel odd about it. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast. I was feeling kind of dejected and to be honest I wasn’t really think of anything at all. My sister told me out of the blue “Tiana I think you have depression.” When the word hit me tears came immediately to my eyes and I hated that I was crying. “You know I said, I want to deny it and I want to say I don’t have depression, but I am already crying.”
I felt like I was a mind in another body. I had always had an interest in mental illness and my short time of hosting a mental health book club reading ya books that talk about mental illness are a test to that. The one thing I kept mentioning in those posts however was that I didn’t have a mental illness. It felt odd to me to actually come to realize that I did.
Ever since I was a little girl I was a crier and yeah I knew at times I was depressed, but I always attributed everything to the things that were happening to me. Moving away, getting yelled at constantly by my grandmother, going through her emotional abuse, losing my one true home, going into financial trouble. With all these things of course I cried.
But when I was crying it wasn’t just about the things that were happening. It was a self-pity and a almost hatred for myself that I could taste. I was always not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. The things that I still tell myself. I denied myself friendships. Through myself into reading and YouTube. And yet still there were times I would go in a rage crying. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all and that’s the worst. I cry and then I get angry at myself for crying and especially in my teens till now it was because I said something wrong to my mom or my sister. During these episodes the one thing that sticks with me is the hollow emptiness in my chest. The hopelessness mixed with pain and sorrow and my mind telling me that I will never be any better of a person then my grandmother was.
But the worst part is, I thought the bitter self awareness and self pity was somehow normal. I thought that my brain was working fine. I thought that in my situation of course I was crying every single night when I was in my first three years of high school. I thought I was normal because I could still laugh, because I was always so engaged in learning and because I have a love for dancing and getting lost in music. I thought it was normal because I was so good at hiding it in plane sight. I knew I was sad, but I also knew that it never stopped me from being happy. It’s when I’m alone or when I say something I thought was ok, but really wasn’t, when I do something wrong and should of known better is when I start my thought spirals. Something as simple as my sister gettin mad at me for not wanting to do the dishes has set it off before.
So when I say that I have the temptation not to do anything at all living inside me I mean that in a sad sense of apathy. It’s so easy for me to be mindless because not only does it chase the dejected thoughts away, but because I get exhausted when I put too much energy into something. Not too long ago I had to stop the habit of sleeping for 10-12 hours every night. In sleep is oblivion no thought no over analyzing and getting angry at myself for not doing things right.
I have depression and I think I have finally truly accepted it.
Suddenly, I am afraid of posting this, but I’m going to anyway. I wrote this because it’s finally stop hiding. Especially hiding from myself. I have spent so long in the dark thinking that there was nothing wrong with me at all. I had thought this way for so long with an almost sadistic thought process towards myself that I had an identity crisis when I was first coming to terms with depression. Because I wanted to know who I would be without it and I ached for a girl who was free of these kinds of thoughts with all of my heart. All I know is that this knowledge gives me something to step forward into the future and that is all I want.
Thanks for reading! Usually I put a I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below, but now I’m at a loss for words. It feels wrong to put something so happy in a post like this but I guess I’ll do it anyway.
Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I look forward to hearing from you. (Actually I’m kinda terrified but curious about what you have to say)
-Till next time!