I don’t know what this post is or where it is going, but I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

The majority of my life I hid everything that ever bothered me in a little ball inside myself. Over the years that ball grew and every thing that bothered me was added to that ball. At the beginning of this year that ball became a planet. I stopped and restarted posting again and again and I felt inside that I had no hope.

I felt like I was stuck. Stuck in an apartment building in an area that I don’t feel safe in. Stuck having to work a job I don’t like. Stuck alone, because I systematically let go of every friend I had (except for one). Even speaking to that friend made me feel small and hopeless, because he always told me to strive for more (which should have and was a good thing). To tell him that all life was dealing me was less and less made everything feel like failure. I have always appreciated his belief in me, but it was always a double edged sword. Sometimes, I just want to pretend everything is fine just to escape the eventual argument I know was never far behind.

For a long time, I felt like I was drifting with nothing to keep me steady. Everyone in my family had their own hurts and when everyone is suffering the same thing in different ways it’s hard to remember that we should be able to comfort each other instead being stuck in our own minds. It also didn’t help that I can’t help but be honest when I’m hurting and not only was I hurting, but I was angry. Angry at my situation. Angry that it felt like there was nothing I could do. Angry that I could not find a way to be happy with myself. Nothing good came from that anger.

Online, I always made sure to share positivity. I present as much of the best parts of myself as I can and at a certain point that got exhausting, but the community made it so I always came back. I don’t like to always talk about the things that have been hard for me. It makes me feel like I’m being dramatic and somehow ungrateful. My life isn’t so bad. I know many who have it much worse, but with new tornado after new tornado hitting almost daily I felt like crumbling. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to take on the reality that I was facing, but I held on to the facts. I had a roof over my head, a family who loved me, a job, and many many books.

I guess what I really wanted to say was that that something in me that was fed up with moping.. that something in me that needed to prove that I could make it.. I am so grateful for it. It pushed me forward to try again and again and again until I got to a few weeks ago.. where one friend became several.

One after another sprinkles of love fell into my life. Even as I realize that no it isn’t a cure all, but it makes taking steps forward every single day a million times easier. I am not alone. My situation is not hopeless. I have authors, buddies to read with, a girl whose prayers I feel in my heart, and a guy, a great guy who is honest, kind, and generous in ways that I have never known from anyone else.

In these past few weeks I have found some peace. I still falter. I am still afraid, but I know now that the future is brighter than ever. I have so many things to look forward to. I have my family. I have dreams. I have plans to make those dreams a reality. These moments will make me stronger. For once in a very long time I can honestly say that I am happy. I have so many people to thank for that.

I have these cards I’ve been given and all of them are neither good nor bad. I just need to use them. Instead of giving in and letting events roll over me. I need to roll with them and keep getting back up when I’m knocked down. I need to believe in myself as much as others have believed in me.

I will get back on track with my life. Fear, anger, sadness… I can’t help the feelings starting up, but I can try to control my action and reaction when they occur. I can choose to make each moment better than the last. I will choose to be better.

Thanks for reading! I had a review I was supposed to write today, but I had to get all this off my chest. I will continue to try to make things light, but when stuff like this gets lodged up I won’t be afraid to let it be free. I need that ball in my chest to be lessened. Till I can say that it no longer is something that could consume me.

As always, let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

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22 thoughts on “Let’s Talk: Life Stuff

  1. Am happy for you that you have something to look forward and keep up the spirit
    Mine not be similar in sense that I have a dream, ambition that are hiding from everybody for the reason not to be talk out of it
    Keep up the spirit

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was an amazing post. Even though I haven’t known you very long, I can see the progress you are making. I can’t imagine all the things you have been going through, and for you to be this strong is amazing. It’s a God thing. Don’t be discouraged when life throws this stuff at you, cause it will get better. Even if it’s in small ways. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family, and I hope that’s you never have to feel like you can’t talk about things. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much!! I think part of it is that blogging can be such an amazing place to recharge my batteries and get some extra happiness boosts. As much as I need to talk about what’s going on I also need the fun too. I hope that that’s something you can hold onto too even when things are tough. I appreciate the continued prayers and I will continue to pray for you. I appreciate all the support you have given me.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is such a deep, meaningful post. Seeing how God is leading you to recovery and hope is such an inspiration to me personally. Don’t be afraid to post about stuff like this, the book community isn’t all about books but also supporting each other! Sending prayers and blessings your way🤗💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! I’ve had a lot of good happen to me recently, but it’s been a small relief from the pile of bad that has been piling up. I like the happiness blogging brings me and talking about what’s real can feel like the opposite. Thanks so much for your prayers. I am so grateful for them.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love your new picture!😊 I’m so glad you are in a better place now. Just keep taking small steps and you will keep achieving your goals! You can do this and try to remember, there is always someone who has it worse than you do! Keep smiling!!😊💖

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are so honest with your feelings, I always feel moved by your confessions. I think that in many ways, people can relate to feeling similarly to you, including me. You sometimes feel guilty about moping or being depressed about seemingly nothing when you have financial security, people close to you, and a good life compared to so many others, but hey, every person has the right to feel sad about even the little things because pain is relative to what you’ve experienced in life. It’s an ongoing cycle, but I’m glad you’re feeling happy right now! I have those ups and downs too so often, so I think it’s healthy to proclaim those rare times that you ARE happy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! I’m glad that you could find something of this to relate to. Sometimes I do get depressed for seemingly no reason, right now is actually one of the times where there is a reason, but either way.. I don’t like feeling this way and I try really hard to make moments of joy for myself. But the good people like you and many others are a huge part of helping to keep me grounded and I find happiness from that.

      Like

  6. I definitely understand where your coming from with this post. There are times I know I’m struggling and I spend more time holding it in than actually acknowledging what’s bothering me and try my best to move forward despite it. I think like you I need to start acknowledging whatever’s bothering me so that I can move forward without that weight on my chest.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. When you were standing in the wake of devastation
    When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
    And with the cataclysm raining down
    Insides crying, “Save me now”
    You were there, impossibly alone

    [Chorus: Chester Bennington]
    Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
    You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
    Remember all the sadness and frustration
    And let it go, let it go

    [Verse 2: Mike Shinoda]
    And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
    As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
    You felt the gravity of tempered grace
    Falling into empty space
    No one there to catch you in their arms

    [Chorus: Chester Bennington & Mike Shinoda]
    Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
    You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
    Remember all the sadness and frustration
    And let it go, let it go

    Linkin Park expressed my thoughts better than I could. Stay strong Tiana.

    Liked by 1 person

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