All my life I’ve felt the need to celebrate the small victories. To reward myself for being productive. To celebrate any moment where my mind felt like it was on a path to healing. However, every time I let myself share when I’m feeling really good about myself.. I would immediately regress.
Any moment I would share that I woke up early or that I did something around the house without being told or made myself from breakfast would be followed by me refusing to continue the positive pattern later. It’s ridiculous actually. Sometimes I just wont let myself accept when things are good. I don’t know how to handle good in my life. I feel like I have to balance everything out when life usually has no problem with giving me problems.
I’m working on accepting the good in my life. I’m working on allowing myself to be happy without feeling the need to sabotage that happiness. To let myself come to the understanding that I deserve to be happy. That things don’t have to be about struggling all the time. To choose to accept the good, because recently its begun to outweigh the bad.
I don’t think enough people talk about transitioning from a life of heaviness to a life of lightness and happiness often enough. No one talks about what it’s like for someone that has a lot of bad things happen in their lives to suddenly feel like there isn’t wolves waiting to bring them down just around the corner. What it feels like to feel safe and comforted when all you’ve known is what it was to have to be the only person there for yourself. To accept that beautiful change. To let yourself feel free.
All I want right now is to accept the incredible change in perspective that I’ve had in my life. The past month has been more beautiful then difficult. I’m not used to that. My family and I are still struggling, but I see my future with new eyes. It’s so weird to move forward without the fear. My need to make things more difficult for myself bothers me. I want to take the gem I’ve been given and never let it go. I don’t want to feel undeserving. I don’t want to sabotage myself anymore.
So I’m just going to shake off the old way I’ve thought all my life. Let it fall away from me like water. To take up my newfound happiness and share it with whomever I can. Maybe I could take it and inspire something wonderful in other people. That sounds like a much better plan then trying to undo it.
Thanks for reading! I’ve been a lot more personal on my blog recently. A lot has happened good and not so good in recent times. I feel myself changing a lot and in really great ways. Or maybe I’m just finding myself becoming the person I always was beneath the surface. I want to take this feeling and run with it with no regrets.
Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!