Everyday, I wake up to the same things, white walls, bookshelves surrounding a Television, and the need to go right back to sleep. I get tired a lot. Mostly because my life feels like a bubble that never changes and yet is now more different then it ever was. I get up, maybe write a blog post, get ready for work, actually go to work, and come home exhausted. I then decide to watch some YouTube or a movie or read or something, because I can never go right to sleep. I do not however, to the one thing that I should be doing. Which is write.
I was doing better with this. I had a plan, but now I’m just not feeling up to it. Even though I want to be. I talk a lot about passion. I talk a lot about one day wanting to be a writer who can keep afloat from just writing alone. To make that my reality, but what good is that when I don’t let myself actually write? When I think about it, it makes me want to get a bit jaded. Will I ever get myself to write as much as I know I could and should be?
I feel like I need an out. From the sameness, from being exactly where I was a year ago even though technically nothing is like it used to be. This is the most jaded I’ve been in a while, but it’s all leading to something. It’s leading to me realizing a few things. One.. I just need to write and let go of the fear that comes with it. I also need to change the way I react when things go awry. Recently, life has been up and down and all over, but it’s still good. I need to remember that and stop my tendency to shut down.
I need to find my new balance and it’s been a struggle to do so recently. Especially when I want to watch videos and do anything to escape reality. But that doesn’t work. It never has. It’s what I always did before and it’s never worked. So instead I’m going to remember a few things. One, the person who cares about me most in the world would want me to be happy. That they believe in me and in my writing. Two, that I myself want to see me do some awesome things and come out of this sameness on my own. To turn my life into something amazing. Three, that my dream is possible. That all my dreams are possible. Fourth, that I’m the one that’s making things way more difficult then they have to be. Things can be simple. I just have to put my mind to doing what I should be.
So right now, I may not be writing enough, but I will be. I’m going to do my best to take another shot at my ultimate goal. This is my dream for myself. To write stories that make people feel something. So I will.
I don’t have control over a lot of things in my life. There are a lot of have to’s and things I don’t particularly want to do or have happen that happen anyway. But I do have control over pursuing what I believe in. In actually trying to make something of myself. I can choose to act or I can choose to not do anything at all. So I’m going to choose action, because even if I do sometimes get frustrated and jaded with life and all that’s happening I have always been a person to get back up and try again.
So one day when I look back on this in the future and I’m actually an author. I’ll probably tell myself that I was writing a bit and maybe I was being to hard on myself, but the truth is I’ll be grateful for it. Because then I’ll be able to say that I did become a true writer and feel proud.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!