Yesterday, my mental health plummeted. I wasn’t and have never been suicidal so at least I’m still ok in that way, but I was in so much emotional pain that I felt like throwing up and I could barely eat. The only reason I didn’t throw up was because I hate that more then anything and I will avoid it at all costs. Hence the very minimal eating.

My dad is doing very poorly. Currently, my family and I are on our way to emergency and yesterday once I got off work (I don’t know how I managed to work in the mental state I was in) we went to urgent care and then got his chest X-rayed. However, on top of the already mounting health issues my dad now can barely see. Plus, the way he is talking.. it’s been really hard for me to cope.

Last night, and these past few days I’ve just desperately needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling about the craziness that has become my life. To be open about how lost I feel. How broken I feel I’ve become. How that doesn’t feel allowed for me due to my responsibilities. To talk about how I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost my relationship with someone who made me feel happier everyday.

Everything piled up all at once and I don’t quite know how to handle it. Yesterday I watched YouTube video after YouTube video trying desperately to find any happiness I could. To laugh so I would forget where I was and so I wouldn’t cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I need some healing mentally, but I know things seem to only be getting worse and I know that true healing is far away.

Right now, I wanted to talk a little about my conversation. Somehow, I was lucky enough to talk to a counselor who was also a writer! I didn’t find that out till the end, but it was still really cool to talk to someone who also wrote novels, but did something like volunteer to talk to people like me who are under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil.

One thing I noticed was how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who I could tell everything that was going on to. Honestly, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to, but I didn’t really need to. It just felt good to tell someone what was going on and know that they would listen. I’ve increasingly come to the acknowledgement that I need therapy. There is just too much weight on my shoulders and I don’t want to ever be a burden on anyone. Right now, I feel like a burden. That I’m just going through so much that I’m not only emotionally drained, but that I could potential emotionally drain other people.

My situation feels very unfair, but it is what it is and I have to live this life that I’ve been given. I want to be able to make the most of it, but yesterday I was barely functioning. My mom responds to my tendency toward apathy with a cut it out sort of mentality. Which in a way, kind of works-ish. I have too much riding on my existence in terms of my family’s needs from me to have the ability to completely crumble. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go to work at all. I was having a break down and yet I worked anyway, because it’s not my choice, but I don’t have many choices to make. If it was my choice I would have gone to an actual councilor then and there.

The reason I’m writing all this is because mental health is important to me. Sharing the experience of it is important to me. Being able to connect with others who have struggled and continue to struggle everyday is important to me. To be open in saying I’m struggling and hurting to show it’s normal. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Getting help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So please, if your ever struggling, please use a hotline or crisis chat.

Here is the link to the crisis chat.

If you need immediate help please call a crisis hotline. Here is a link to different numbers if need be.

Thank you for reading! Thank you all for being with me on my life’s journey. For caring. Many of you know my life has been up and down and crazy recently. I hope that this helps someone. I will continue to write posts like this one as time goes on. Helping someone with my story is all I hope for. Leave your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

18 thoughts on “Using Crisis Chat for the First Time

  1. I really hope your dad gets better, that must be really difficult! 😩 Don’t bury your emotions, let them out. Emotions are probably the most difficult thing that everybody has to deal with in life. Sometimes, it can be like your on a constant rollercoaster, twists, turns, ups, downs, out of control. Don’t worry about being a burden to other people, and well done for pushing through and going to work 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have work again today, but I’ve been up since 5 am because we’re in emergency. Being a burden is my worst nightmare. I have so many emotions built up it’s not funny. It’s made me physically feel sick and trying to drag myself through everything and moving forward is difficult, but I’m somehow managing it. Thank you for reading! I appreciate it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There are many desperate people at this time of year (I know from experience) and I’m sure your post is a great help. Depression can be very lonely and you think no one understands. I’m better now but I have been in a dark place, just look for that light at the end of the tunnel, it will come! x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can totally relate Tiana as sometimes my life has been really, really hard for months or years. As you said it is very important to find someone to talk to and it’s not always easy to confide in family as you don’t want to burden them even more. Thank you for sharing today. Congratulations too for reaching out to someone. I am happy he could help you. I hope you’ll get some good days soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tiana, You are so brave to open yourself up and share your journey. I know it will help others, too. Keep writing, talk to people who can listen to you and know that you are not alone. Asking for help is a good first step and NOT a sign of weakness. It is only by caring for ourselves that we can have the strength to care for others. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad you were able to talk to someone who could help you out. I know I definitely have the tendency sometimes to bottle my feelings in, which I know isn’t good for my health mentally. But I’m sorry things are so difficult for you Tiana. I truly believe your a strong person and that you’ll get through this. Just know you have your blogging community here to support you whenever you need it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thinking of you and so glad you were able to find someone to talk to! My husband has had a lot of mental health challenges this year. I was so thankful for a local counselor who went above and beyond to get him into a program and our local hospital staff who let him stay there where he felt safe. I recently read My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward. It can be comforting to read an account from someone else who has been there or gone through the same emotions, even if their story is different. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really appreciate you sharing this experience. I also think it is important to share these types of stories to make people feel like they aren’t alone in what they are currently or have experienced before. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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