No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.

First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.

The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.

Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.

In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.

Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.

Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

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35 thoughts on “What’s Going On

  1. Hey, Tiana. I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time. I hope things start to improve for you! I am thinking about you and your family.

    As far as your relationship goes, there is nothing worse than being ghosted. Not having the answers is so frustrating. It does tell you one thing though- this is not someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship.

    Hopefully this will turn in to a blessing and gives you a chance to just focus on you!

    You can reach out to me anytime!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, it’s been hard. Him ghosting me felt awful because he always talked like he was very committed to me and would do anything to be with me and he threw everything down the drain like it was nothing. Letting go of how happy he made me and the future we had talked about has been difficult, but there is nothing else I can do.

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  2. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time! I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope he’s on the mend now. It really sucks when someone you love walks out like that, without even having the decency to give you an explanation. And I well remember the way it causes you to question yourself! I do believe that when someone walks out of your life, it’s first and foremost about them. And that although the way they’ve gone about it is cowardly, it’s about what they need and their own shit. And I think you have exactly the right attitude to it 🙂 I’m in a similar position with my job… I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to do something that fulfils me creatively… something connected to who I am… And I’m just looking for a way to make that happen now. Once you know your goal though, it’s a question of figuring out the steps and getting in the right place to allow it to happen for you… at least that’s how I see it… so I’m in that boat with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry that you’re going through a really tough time and are experiencing all of this. Just keep your head up and remember make the most of each day! Do something you love! 💗 Sorry if my advice wasn’t great. Hope things work out!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello Tiana, I know the pain of being ghosted. My best friend and love did it to me few months ago and I was in a bad shape… So my advice is keep your friends close, spend time with your family, do small things which make you happy. Tiniest if things help too…
    Time heals, dulls the pain, but it is tough. Write about this, it may help. I internalized it and I am going through some health issues after months due to it. S talk it out or cry it out. Don’t keep it inside

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, that’s something I knew I couldn’t do to myself. I couldn’t bottle all of this up. I’m sorry that your going through this too. It’s awful and more painful then anything anyone should have to do this. I don’t understand why people decide to end things in such an awful way. I’m working on doing things I love and moving on in the best way I can.

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  5. Im sorry your going through such a hard time in your life. Just remember to take one day at a time. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Everyday probably feels like a struggle but it’s also one step forward. Stay positive and I hope things start to look up for you. As far as the guy who ghosted you, he probably didn’t deserve you anyway. Just remember it’s his loss not yours. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for that. It’s difficult because I cared and loved him very much even if the time we had together was short. I miss him terribly, but I acknowledge that there is no way for me to think it would be a good idea to ever try and start anything over with him again if he ever got back into my life. So for now I’m trying to move on. Losing him especially with my dad’s health declining adding too many things on my back to worry about, but I know one day things will be better.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, I’m so sorry all this happened to you. I hope your dad gets better. And as for the guy who ghosted you…that wasn’t right of him to do that, especially during this time.

    Stick in there, things will get better. Sending you thoughts and good wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope he recovers soon. As for everything else that happened, hang in there. I know it’s hard to hear sometimes, and things may feel hopeless, but this too shall pass. Hang in there, Tiana.

    Liked by 1 person

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