Yesterday was not the best day despite my efforts to remain positive. However, what came out of it was something good. My mom found me some free creative writing courses that I could take and I’m going to take them.
I don’t know what to do about my feelings pretty much all of the time now. I sometimes feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Yet there are things I can do. My situation isn’t much changed from a few months ago and yet it feels irreversibly different. Or maybe the truth is that it is completely different, because I got a taste of what it was to love and enjoy fully being in the present and lost it all in a short span of time. All while realizing that my dad isn’t going to get any better. That the only care he will receive is preventative and I have no control over the time I have left with him.
I think that I hurt more now then before because I also realized that the break up is permanent. The guy I had fallen in love with isn’t going to come back into my life. I know that now. I lost it because I didn’t really know how to accept that. To think that our time together is as good as another fantasy I lost myself in. The missing too hurts a lot. I miss him all the time. Admitting that is strange. I hate not knowing why. I hate creating my own answers. I hate that it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change that it happened. It doesn’t change that he didn’t choose me.
So now, I also realize that at the end of the day whoever comes and goes in my life I’m the only one that can be there for me. To pick up my own pieces when my armor breaks. To find my own steps forward. To treat myself right. But, for now I feel like I’m almost in a mourning period. I try to take some steps forward. To find little pieces of peace and hope. Continuing blogging is a major thing for me. The community support during this time has been helpful.
But I know I’ll get better. I have good things awaiting me around the corner. I’m going to write a lot and these classes will help me improve my craft and I’m going to read a bunch of amazing stories as well! I’m going to get back to being myself again.
Right now I write this outside in cold air near a Christmas tree watching as the sky turns from blue to pink as it slowly gets dark. It’s beautiful. The world doesn’t stop being beautiful even when your hurting. People don’t stop caring even if your hurting. One day I know things will get better. With baby steps things will get better. So I’m going to sit here for a short time and enjoy the air and remember what it is to be alive.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!