At this moment in time my mind has come to a state that is much stronger then it’s ever been. After over a month of nonstop tears I’ve finally found a respite. It’s nice to feel this way as Christmas approaches. However, I don’t think the Christmas mood is going to find its way into my heart this year. I’ve made my peace with that. I’m focusing as much as I can on healing my hurt and slowly getting myself into a place where I let myself hope again.
Looking back on these past few months I’ve never had myself spiral this bad into depression and anxiety. I realized that decisions I made where not good and resulted in loosing something I never wanted to loose because instead of taking things calmly and trusting in fate and trusting in general I let worry and fear control me. I am never ever doing that again. In every situation that comes my way in the future I’m going to make better decisions and trust that things will work out as they should naturally. Things fall apart when you try so hard to make things work that you act so irrationally that the opposite happens.
As of right now, I have accepted my confusion about the events of the past few months. I have accepted that whatever is going to happen in the future is going to happen. I have come to realize that I’m very sorry for the things my anxiety led me to, but that my anxiety isn’t an excuse. If I work at it I can control it and I didn’t. I’m never making that mistake again.
I know now that when I fall in love with someone it’s permanent. That I’m going to feel that love in my heart for the rest of my life, but because of it I understand that sometimes the other person needs something else in life. That I can’t force a person to stay when they don’t want to and their reason is their reason and it’s not up to me to hold on. That my happiness can be overwhelming when I’m with someone, but I can find and be happy standing on my own. Because I’m a whole person. Love just makes me overflow.
I’ve also learned that break ups really can be as upsetting as tv would have you believe. If I let myself really think about it, as I have done a lot in the recent past, I can get to a state where I’m bawling and so I try not to so much.
Regardless of what happens in the future who stays in my life, who comes into it, or who leaves, or what random thing life has in store for me, I’m going to build up my armor, not necessarily to keep people away, but to get through any obstacles that may come my way in a healthy and better way. So instead of freaking out about things that are out of my control I leave it up to faith and trust that good is just around the corner.
I also have come to realize that my family and I have very different stances on a lot of things that I didn’t previously think we thought differently on. That as I grow in the future I have to trust how I feel more then getting lost in worries that aren’t even my own. To listen to concerns, but to trust in my own judgment more.
Right now, I’m building the blocks of a much steadier mind. I know how I feel and I know that I have to trust that things will turn out well in the future. I have learned many lessons and am now going to make sure they stick. I will create happiness for myself. I will be so much better as a person for all that’s happened. Even if I wished I could turn back and change a lot of it. Maybe then things wouldn’t have ended like they did (preferably not ended at all) , but all I can do is look forward.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!