2019: The Year I Take Back Life for Myself

Before I had said I wasn’t ready for 2019. But, I think a few things have changed that. The first, I saw this little girl at my work yesterday and she was the feistiest happiest little girl I ever saw. She just by being alive and being as happy as could be inspired me. I’ve been wallowing over everything that I can’t change. The guy I fell in love with left me. My dad’s health isn’t doing well and continues to decline. My finical situation sucks. I’m in a job I hate. I’m not writing and I hadn’t felt motivated to do anything sense I lost the one thing that really felt good in a all the chaos.

Yet, yet that little girl she reminded me of something really important. That it’s not life that decides who you are and what you do it’s you. You can choose to shine your light or you can choose to wallow. I’m done wallowing. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life for me again. I want to be what makes me happy. Whatever that brings into my life I want to give my all into.

I may not have the guy that I fell for to dance through life with anymore, but I have myself. I will always have myself. I want to forage love for myself. I want to be mindful of my mental health and achieve great things next year.

So here are my goals for 2019:

• To write everyday a minimum of 500 words towards one of my WIPs. Writing needs to be more of a priority in general. I have no real excuse about not making my dream a reality. If I create a daily writing habit I can finally take real steps toward eventually publishing a novel one day.
• To not freak out when things don’t happen the way I think they will. Too often I think that somethings going to turn out a certain way or that someone is going to react one way or another and a lot of the time I’m wrong and things end up worse off then they were before. So, I’m going to be mindful of myself and take time to process a situation before I make a decision. I am also going to just be really open and honest about as much as I can and to not get so upset about things when they go awry. Getting upset doesn’t really help anyone and it certainly doesn’t help me. I’m going to leave more things up to my faith. To try and learn to recognize what things need my input and what things don’t. To give things time to dissipate on their own time and not do so much scrambling to fix things that I can’t fix.
• To read books I Physically Own. I have many books on my shelves being neglected. Many I’m super excited to read. I just need to get my butt in gear and read them.
• To not take things too seriously. Yes, there are things in this life that are serious and need to be thought about, however, with my mental health being what it is I need fun in my life. I need to laugh and be happy. I need to dance when I feel like it. I need to make jokes when the moment arises. I need to go out and enjoy what the world has to offer when I need to. I can’t live my life fearing what’s next all the time. Living a life full of sadness and anxiety isn’t living a life at all. And in a lot of ways this means leaving my heart open, not just to love (even if I still have only one guy in my heart, even if I’d love it for him to be back in my life, I can’t force someone to want me in their life, and so I have to accept that he let me go) but to friendships and to people in general.
• To give Duolingo a second chance. Sometimes I forget my own neediness and desire for knowledge. I love to study things. Anything really. Take me to look at science books in a store and I’ll be interested. Language is one of the things that fascinates me. I need to continue my Spanish practice and do at least two levels of the whole tree and maybe then I can move on to a new language. All I know is daily practice is key!
• To write a poem every day. This is going to be fun for me, because I’m planning on doing a random poetry prompt generator and putting all my poetry up on wattpad. These poems are probably going to be a bit silly, but the point of it is also to let my brain loosen up a bit. To have fun while writing something.
• To blog daily. I hate that I often have random hiatuses where none of you know why I stopped posting for a while or what’s going on. I want to commit to blogging and have fun with it. I might have to do a little bit of planning to keep myself on track, but I don’t mind doing so so much. I know I’m capable of it so I’m going to give it a go.
• To meditate daily. Meditation is one of those little things that has really helped me stay sane. I haven’t been doing it much recently and I need to find my way back to it.
• To take my mental health seriously. Recently, due to my very terribly timed break up with someone I never wanted to loose my mental health suffered greatly. My eating was weird because there were times where nothing tasted good and It’s caused me to want to throw up. I’ve cried a lot. Even though I’m trying to move forward I still want to cry now. The missing feels like I have a hole where my heart used to be, but at the same time I feel so much love for him there and it’s as if my heart refuses to believe it’s all over. The strangest things remind me of him and as positive as I’m trying to be sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and let the world swallow me whole. It hurts a lot. I feel like I lost something truly beautiful. I feel like I lost something truly right. Because of these feeling I hurt and at the most random of times. I’ll cry alone in the storage room at work or in the shower or just walking anywhere. I need to make it a point to be good to myself and take things slow. Yes, I want to start doing things again. I don’t like to feel like things out of my control have gotten the best of me. I want to move forward with my life and remember that what’s meant to be will happen and nothing can stop it. That whoever I’m meant to be with is out there and if it’s the guy I fell for then he’d be there for me, but if not then someone really awesome is waiting for me and they deserve me at my best. That I deserve to be my best self for me. So I’m going to be kind to myself in 2019. I’m going to get productive, but I’m also going to be good to myself.
• To maintain my eating/exercise habits. My body already looks better now then it ever did. I weigh less then I did in high school. My sister subscribed to a workout program online called Les Miles. Over the past few weeks I’ve been exercising a whole lot more and it’s been a lot of fun. In 2019, I want to work on my physical health and find strength both physically and mentally.
• To work on a business project. Hopefully this works out the way I hope it will, because then I’ll have my own little business to keep up and running in 2019! It’s at the basic stages right now, but hopefully I’ll be selling some very special products in the new year!
• To find and wear clothing that makes me feel good. I don’t talk about it much, but I do appreciate fashion. I don’t wear stuff that I actually like wearing often at all because in my job I have a uniform and everything gets dirty and I end up feeling like a potato at work, but I want to make some opportunities to look nice outside of work for myself. Especially now that I’m really starting to love how my body actually looks.
• To keep up a daily journal. Sometimes it can feel cathartic to keep up a journal. To remember that you can feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next. Plus, it will be a nice little something to look back on. Who knows what each day will bring?
• To stretch daily. I’ve always wanted to be flexible, but I give up on it far too often. I want to make it a point to work at least a little towards it everyday. Who knows? Maybe the impossible split isn’t impossible?
• To choose myself. I have a bad habit of doing things to please other people. To put others needs before my own. Even to let others problems become mine. I’m an empath and even reading a fictional story can leave me balling. I need to start choosing myself. To do what I feel is right for me. To make myself a priority. To listen to myself and do things that make me happy and that are genuinely good for me.
• To interact with fellow bloggers again. I’ve been dreadfully inactive in this community. I miss reading and commenting on everyone’s blogs. I’m going to make it a point to start commenting again more often in the new year.
• To reduce my anxiety and depression. Recently, I’ve been really working hard on this part of myself. These feelings internally are hard to ignore. A big thing for me is going to be working on seeing positives in life. To take little pieces of happiness wherever I can find it. To give in to what God and the universe has in store for me and to stop trying to control it.

2019 and the rest of my life is coming weather I’m ready or not. What’s going to happen with life is going to happen no matter what. I can’t forget to enjoy life. I can’t let myself go through life feeling broken. I need to enjoy what I’ve got. To have fun. To be my best self. I have not handled many of the recent events in my life well. I made some poor decisions that I regret. Healing in the new year may take time. I know getting back to myself will take time, but eventually I’ll get there. When I finally do I can’t wait to see what the world has in store for me. 2019 will be a year of hard work, but it will be incredible to see who I become once it is over.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!