I Have Work To Do

I have a lot of problems with getting myself to do what I’m aching to do. It has effected a lot of my life and because my life has been so messy all the time recently I feel like I might as well surrender to the mess and go with the chaos and just do what I want.

So my plan is simple. Decide what I want to do and do it. First things first. The reason I haven’t posted since the last post was I got scammed twice, lost myself to depression, and found comfort in my many conversations with my partner after. To put it colorfully I fucked up. The anxiety kept me from school work and because it was my last week of the term I became a hermit and could only do school work for a time.

The great part is this. I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of so much outside bullshit happening and I’m ready to actually just focus and take the world by storm. My world.

I’m not here to convince anyone to be, do, or think a certain way. I’m here to share myself and my ideas and learn and create and become more and different all the time. On my journey, I share what I feel should be shared in order to give something to others to connect with and feel inspired from on their own journeys.

I’m here to have fun and share fun and to mess up and to do really really well and to love and jump and dance and decide and I am finally ready to live. To live for me. To live and just give my damn soul to my desires. To feel vigorously and beautifully alive.

So firstly I am going to do one of the most fun and incredible things by finally writing my Scooby doo fanfic. I have wanted to do this for so long. I have loved Scooby Doo since I was a child. One of my favorite pictures in the world is one of me in the mystery machine that happened to be serviced at an auto repair place. My heart lit up to be there.

I want to write a mystery for our beloved Mystery Inc. friends to solve. Maybe make it a little darker then our friends tend to experience, but still at the heart Scooby Dooby Doo. Once it’s finished I’ll either publish it on wattpad or figure out another place to publish it, but regardless this is something I would like you all to experience and read.

This also means watching some of the movies and tv shows of Scooby for research and seeing at the heart what makes Scooby so great and how I can make a story that unique yet still holds that Scooby Doo specialness at the center.

Believing in myself to write this passion project will be the first time in a long time I’ve allowed myself to honor myself and let go of doubt. Doubt does nothing to serve me. It’s crippled me. It’s made me think I’m a failure. It’s driven me to inaction again and again and I say enough. It’s enough.

I am here. I am going to read and write and play games and write whatever posts I damn well please on this blog. I will do it everyday that I can.

Another thing that sets my heart on fire is learning some dances because it pleases me. So I will do that as well. Maybe, I’ll post video on here at some point. Maybe I’ll keep it to myself. Either way I’m going to have fun.

Also, exploring makeup more. I wear makeup most days and I love to experiment, but there’s never too much of that and I think when I’m more confident I’ll share some looks on instagram and see what comes of it.

The last thing that’s important to me to mention is continuing my best thing that happened in a day journal going. Even on days that are extremely depressing. I want to remember that there is good in every day.

I realize now with the fact I haven’t given up. In spite of everything. That I’m here typing this right now at almost 3 am. That that’s how done I am with inaction. As well as the complete joy I feel writing this. Now I can truly say I am back and here to stay. So much to come. I am ready now.

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