Binge Watching: Baby Daddy

In an attempt to find a wholesome and happy show to lift my spirits I stumbled across a show called Baby Daddy. It is funny, cute, and heartwarming. It’s exactly what I needed.

I’m on season 2 episode 4 and with every episode I feel everything in me feel a little bit lighter. This show is such a treat to enjoy.

I think my favorite part of the show is that Ben and his roommates are very typical guys. Sports loving, girl chasing, sometimes super idiot guys, but at the end of the day, they all love the unexpected little girl that came from Ben having a little too much fun. They would do anything for their little girl. Anything. It’s beautiful to watch.

Another thing I love about the show is the cute love triangle between Riley and the two brothers Ben and Danny. Personally, I’m rooting for Danny and Riley, even if Danny’s skull is sometimes too thick for him to realize that he could have had Riley a long time ago if he wasn’t always going out with so many different women, but I digress. I just love his love for her and damn it I want to see a good thing thrive. Riley has a crush on Ben, but honestly, I really don’t like them together that much. I love the dynamic between Riley and Danny. I want to see sparks fly between them.

Then there is Tucker. I love Tuker. Though may he RIP the day he meets the wrong girl who gets him in his place for thinking that he is God’s gift to women. (Actually, all three guys semi have this very irritating little quality and I’m glad Riley is there to keep them in check.) Tucker always gets himself into odd and funny situations. He’s always fun to watch.

Ben and Danny’s mother makes a reoccurring appearance that adds chaos into the mix in a really fun way. I really enjoy her role in the story. She is crazy, yet she really does love her boys. She always had to take some sort of stab at Riley though.

Then there is Emma the little girl everyone loves. Emma is the real star. The reason everything has changed for every member of this odd little family. She is adorable.

This show for me somehow has given me a little piece of hope. That one day everything I hope for will work out. That I’ll find my happiness. That I’ll find a love that makes me smile everyday. That the journey will be bright. Something about the light and fun of this show gives me real hope. I needed that.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

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Taking Free Creative Writing Courses

Yesterday was not the best day despite my efforts to remain positive. However, what came out of it was something good. My mom found me some free creative writing courses that I could take and I’m going to take them.

I don’t know what to do about my feelings pretty much all of the time now. I sometimes feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Yet there are things I can do. My situation isn’t much changed from a few months ago and yet it feels irreversibly different. Or maybe the truth is that it is completely different, because I got a taste of what it was to love and enjoy fully being in the present and lost it all in a short span of time. All while realizing that my dad isn’t going to get any better. That the only care he will receive is preventative and I have no control over the time I have left with him.

I think that I hurt more now then before because I also realized that the break up is permanent. The guy I had fallen in love with isn’t going to come back into my life. I know that now. I lost it because I didn’t really know how to accept that. To think that our time together is as good as another fantasy I lost myself in. The missing too hurts a lot. I miss him all the time. Admitting that is strange. I hate not knowing why. I hate creating my own answers. I hate that it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change that it happened. It doesn’t change that he didn’t choose me.

So now, I also realize that at the end of the day whoever comes and goes in my life I’m the only one that can be there for me. To pick up my own pieces when my armor breaks. To find my own steps forward. To treat myself right. But, for now I feel like I’m almost in a mourning period. I try to take some steps forward. To find little pieces of peace and hope. Continuing blogging is a major thing for me. The community support during this time has been helpful.

But I know I’ll get better. I have good things awaiting me around the corner. I’m going to write a lot and these classes will help me improve my craft and I’m going to read a bunch of amazing stories as well! I’m going to get back to being myself again.

Right now I write this outside in cold air near a Christmas tree watching as the sky turns from blue to pink as it slowly gets dark. It’s beautiful. The world doesn’t stop being beautiful even when your hurting. People don’t stop caring even if your hurting. One day I know things will get better. With baby steps things will get better. So I’m going to sit here for a short time and enjoy the air and remember what it is to be alive.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Going to Be Better in December

This month I don’t really have any plans in particular. I’m just going to focus on getting my mind and body into a healthier state and doing things I love to do. It’s Christmas Season! I have a lot of things to look forward to.

One thing that is weird for me is that in two weeks time I will be 20 years old. This feels strange because it’s just a reminder that I’ve barely started my life. I’m not even if legal drinking age yet, I have so much future to live for.

I think this month I’m going to remember who I am. A girl who loves books and cares deeply about her family. Someone who dreams of being a writer and fears writing for very little real reason. Who loves music and dancing and having fun. Who loves Christmas. Who cares about people. I’m not going to let what has gone and past affect me anymore. I need to move forward. I will move forward. I will be a better me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have books yet to be read. I have a roof over my head. My Dad is still here. I have stories to be written. I just need to change my perspective.

So this December I’m going to dedicate myself to heal. To give myself a chance. To enjoy life again. To smile and mean it.

Thanks for reading! I’m sorry about all the life posts recently. I haven’t been reading as much recently and with everything that’s been going on, I’ve been struggling to get back on track. Things should be back on track very soon!

-Till next time!

I’m not Ready for 2019

As many of you know, 2018 was a year that will be remembered as when my life set on fire. I don’t really have words for the odd twists and turns this year took for me. For how lost I’ve felt I’ve become. The mistakes I made just wishing that I could accept a little piece of happiness in my life.

However, life tumbles on and I’m not ready to tackle next year. I have so many fears. Many of them about my dad. Many of them about the same finical situation I’ve had since the year began. Many of them due to feeling stuck to wake up to the same thing to go to the same job I don’t like and never going out and experiencing little things that give me a sense of enjoyment. I’m afraid of 2019.

I’m afraid of 2019 being the same as 2018 and I’m afraid more so that it will be worse. All this fear in me makes it hard for me to do the things I want to do. It makes it hard for me to write. Makes it hard for me to read. Makes it hard for me to have a feeling of hope. Makes it hard for me to dare to dream.

But the thing about all this is, I have the cards I’ve been felt and they are not going to go away. They aren’t going to change. I’ve lost what I’ve lost. What’s around the corner is coming for me weather I like it or not. I can’t hide from it.

So in 2019, much like every other year, I’m going to try to get a semblance of normal. I’m going to try and heal from 2018’s wounds. I’m going to write like the world is at its end if I don’t. I’m going to do all that I’m going to not close myself off to others. I’m going to let my heart remain open. Open to friendships, open to my family, and open to love. To what may or may not happen.

I can’t stop time from moving on. I can’t stop what’s around the corner for me. But I can try to lessen my fear. I can try to heal. I can try to move forward. Who knows maybe 2019 will be a great year? All of it is yet unwritten.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Writing Horror in December

There was a poem I wrote for Halloween that inspired a brand new book idea that I immediately fell in love with. I shared it with my closest friend at the time and they told me that I should definitely write it. I immediately wrote the first chapter and then life happened. I felt no longer motivated to continue the story and it was at a standstill. My life was at a standstill.

However, now more then ever I look back at that story and I’m still in love with it. So yesterday I wrote 1,000 words towards it and I now can’t wait to keep the story moving! This story has the snarkiest Mc I’ve ever written, a mom battling anger and depression, and a house that may or may not be driving one of the two into insanity.

This book is fun because it writes so easily. There is no outline necessary and I can just go for it! I’m letting this story take me wherever it wants to go and so far I’m really enjoying where it’s gone!

I know I can write this book to completion decently quickly. Which is odd and unusual for me. But it’s one of those books that is calling my name and I have a feeling that to deny that call would be a mistake.

Maybe it’s weird to write horror during the Christmas season, but I’m so happy with this story that I don’t really mind it. I can’t wait to see how the first draft turns out!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Re-Downloading Habitica

When I’m low I need direction. I have to do something to give myself purpose. Otherwise I will go insane. So I re-downloaded Habitica, the app that once saved my life. Habitica is an app that you can put daily tasks and as you complete them your character levels up and later you can join teams and go on quests. Everything is completed solely by your personal productivity.

This time, I’m not overwhelming myself with too much. I’m just focusing on adding writing tasks for each day. Hopefully, one day I can get to where I don’t need this again to be productive, but that day isn’t today.

Honestly, on days like today, I feel like I’m loosing it a bit. I’ve been sad so much and I do anything I can to uplift that feeling. Hence why I gave Habitica another chance. It gives me focus. Tasks to complete. Tasks that ultimately lead to my biggest life goals.

I’m getting so tired of hurting and letting that hurt keep me from becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I hate letting life get the best of me. I don’t like feeling hopeless. There is so much in my life right now that I do not have the power to change. So slowly, I’m trying to change what I can to give a little sense of progression and autonomy in my life.

To everyone reading. Thanks for being a part of my journey. This blog has always been a piece of joy in my life. I hope to always continue this in the years to come.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

The ABC Book Challenge: Look a star!

You know I’m starting to feel a bit of normalcy when I kick out this challenge! It feels good to feel like I’m living in my own skin again. I always promised to complete this challenge and so of course I have to keep the train moving.

Memorable Books that Start with the Letter “L”:

Little & Lion

“When Suzette comes home to Los Angeles from her boarding school in New England, she isn’t sure if she’ll ever want to go back. L.A. is where her friends and family are (along with her crush, Emil). And her stepbrother, Lionel, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, needs her emotional support.

But as she settles into her old life, Suzette finds herself falling for someone new…the same girl her brother is in love with. When Lionel’s disorder spirals out of control, Suzette is forced to confront her past mistakes and find a way to help her brother before he hurts himself–or worse.”

Little & Lion is such a beautiful story. It’s about family and how hard sometimes being family could be and how far you would go for them anyway.

Looking for Alaska

“Before. Miles “Pudge” Halter is done with his safe life at home. His whole life has been one big non-event, and his obsession with famous last words has only made him crave “the Great Perhaps” even more (Francois Rabelais, poet). He heads off to the sometimes crazy and anything-but-boring world of Culver Creek Boarding School, and his life becomes the opposite of safe. Because down the hall is Alaska Young. The gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed up, and utterly fascinating Alaska Young. She is an event unto herself. She pulls Pudge into her world, launches him into the Great Perhaps, and steals his heart. Then. . . .

After. Nothing is ever the same.”

I will always remember the experience of reading this book. I don’t think that it will ever be possible for me to forget it. It will remain a major part of my life’s journey.

Books I’d Love to Read Starting with the Letter “L”:

Little White Lies

“”I’m not saying this is Sawyer’s fault,” the prim and proper one said delicately. “But.”

Eighteen-year-old auto mechanic Sawyer Taft did not expect her estranged grandmother to show up at her apartment door and offer her a six-figure contract to participate in debutante season. And she definitely never imagined she would accept. But when she realizes that immersing herself in her grandmother’s “society” might mean discovering the answer to the biggest mystery of her life-her father’s identity-she signs on the dotted line and braces herself for a year of makeovers, big dresses, bigger egos, and a whole lot of bless your heart. The one thing she doesn’t expect to find is friendship, but as she’s drawn into a group of debutantes with scandalous, dangerous secrets of their own, Sawyer quickly discovers that her family isn’t the only mainstay of high society with skeletons in their closet. There are people in her grandmother’s glittering world who are not what they appear, and no one wants Sawyer poking her nose into the past. As she navigates the twisted relationships between her new friends and their powerful parents, Sawyer’s search for the truth about her own origins is just the beginning.

Set in the world of debutante balls, grand estates and rolling green hills, Little White Lies combines a charming setting, a classic fish-out-of-water story, and the sort of layered mystery only author Jennifer Lynn Barnes can pull off.”

I don’t know much of anything about Debutantes. However, this book sounds full of the kind of drama I can get behind reading about so, I definitely want to give this book a chance!

Let’s Go Swimming on Doomsday

“Forced to become a child soldier, a sixteen-year-old Somali refugee must confront his painful past in this haunting, thrilling tale of loss and redemption for fans of A Long Way Gone and What is the What

When Abdi’s family is kidnapped, he’s forced to do the unthinkable: become a child soldier with the ruthless jihadi group Al Shabaab. In order to save the lives of those he loves, and earn their freedom, Abdi agrees to be embedded as a spy within the militia’s ranks and to send dispatches on their plans to the Americans. The jihadists trust Abdi immediately because his older brother, Dahir, is already one of them, protégé to General Idris, aka the Butcher. If Abdi’s duplicity is discovered, he will be killed.

For weeks, Abdi trains with them, witnessing atrocity after atrocity, becoming a monster himself, wondering if he’s even pretending anymore. He only escapes after he is forced into a suicide bomber’s vest, which still leaves him stumps where two of his fingers used to be and his brother near death. Eventually, he finds himself on the streets of Sangui City, Kenya, stealing what he can find to get by, sleeping nights in empty alleyways, wondering what’s become of the family that was stolen from him. But everything changes when Abdi’s picked up for a petty theft, which sets into motion a chain reaction that forces him to reckon with a past he’s been trying to forget.

In this riveting, unflinching tale of sacrifice and hope, critically-acclaimed author Natalie C. Anderson delivers another tour-de-force that will leave readers at the edge of their seats.”

Just look at that cover and tell me that what lies beneath isn’t going to be one of the most powerful stories you’ll ever read? This book looks amazing! I can’t wait to read it!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Looking for Alaska: A Review

Looking for Alaska by John Green

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Cover Rating: 6/10 I really like this cover. I like the simplicity of it, but I feel like something different could have been done. It does fit with the story, but I feel like there are elements that could have been played with a lot more.

Publisher: Speak

Publish Date: December 28th, 2006

Number of Pages: 221

Received: from a friend

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

Before. Miles Halter is fascinated by famous last words—and tired of his safe life at home. He leaves for Culver Creek boarding school to seek what the dying poet François Rabelais called “The Great Perhaps.” Much awaits Miles at Culver Creek, including clever, beguiling, and self-destructive Alaska Young, who will pull Miles into her labyrinth and catapult him into the Great Perhaps.

After. Nothing will ever be the same. 

Looking for Alaska brilliantly chronicles the indelible impact one life can have on another. A modern classic, this stunning debut marked #1 bestselling author John Green’s arrival as a groundbreaking new voice in contemporary fiction.

Opening Sentence: “The week before I left my family and Florida and the rest of my minor life to go to boarding school in Alabama, my mother insisted on throwing me a going-away party.”

*Spoiler review*

Musings:

This book feels like an odd one to review, because I loved it yes, but also it became something I could related to on a level that was deeper then most books I have read, but not in a way that makes it one of my all time favorites. More in a way that makes it a book that will always be remembered and a part of my life’s journey.

Some of you know that I’ve just gone through a breakup. When I first started reading this book it reminded me a lot of the person I was with. It was lighter in the beginning, funny, and sometimes serious too.. but that just kinda felt like who we were as a couple. Then, Alaska died and it broke my heart and as I was reading this quite slowly, my boyfriend broke up with me without a word and became as much a ghost as Alaska. It felt so raw to read this story where two guys look for answers for why she died while I looked for answers I would never find for why he left me. Finishing this book felt like saying goodbye to a guy I was convinced I loved and who loved me for good. In a way it’s helped the healing.

What I Loved:

The Humor. The humor in this book was amazing. It had some of the best one-liners I’ve read and some of the situations that arise with all the pranks make for some grade-A comedy. Except where the prank where a lot of Alaska’s books were destroyed.. that was no joking matter….

The important stuff. Even though this book was funny it also talked about heavy topics, Suicide, depression, grief, religion, and philosophical questions. Looking for Alaska is a hard hitter emotionally, but the humor bits break it all up nicely.

Alaska was a raging feminist. Alaska was a storm. That’s for sure. She was beautiful to Miles. She was the mastermind behind the best pranks and some days you’d talk to her and she’d say something cool and sometimes you’d talk to her and she’d make you feel like you’ve entered the loony bin (at least that’s how I felt like reading her conversations).

Takumi Rap GOD. I know that this is a book and it could have been written and rewritten to make it sound amazing, but I like to think that Takumi’s raps just come from a divine being. He’s just blessed to have the words come easy to him. Also in general I really loved this character. He was so cool to read about.

Everyone had their own thing. Each character had their own gift of sorts. Miles with the last words. Takumi with his rap skills. Alaska with her pranks. And so on. It was really cool to read and see everyone had their own thing that made them unique and in turn it made them memorable and they all had their own spotlight in the story.

Looking for Alaska destroyed me. I thought going into the book that it would end a certain way. I was very wrong. But in a way I was angry that Miles fell for Alaska in the first place. She was dating someone else. That should have been enough for him to stay away, but he didn’t and in so many ways Alaska led him on and because of all this her death destroyed Miles and me along with him. This is where the strongest connection with the pain of my break up lies. The looking back. Trying to hold on to beautiful memories. Realizing that it doesn’t matter why, I have no choice, but to let go. I felt all the emotions Miles felt acutely. But I didn’t have the luxury of knowing if all these emotions were just for what I’d lost or partially because of another even more difficult thing with my dad having had a stroke. Either way, this book will always be in my memories as being part of a journey of once beautiful happiness that led up to a lot of hurt.

Final thoughts:

Looking for Alaska is an amazing read that I highly recommend. This review became really personal, but it really couldn’t be helped with how it was read. This wasn’t the story I thought it would be, but I enjoyed it all the more for it.

About the Author

John Green is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, Paper Towns, The Fault in Our Stars, and Turtles All the Way Down. He is also the coauthor, with David Levithan, of Will Grayson, Will Grayson. He was the 2006 recipient of the Michael L. Printz Award, a 2009 Edgar Award winner, and has twice been a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize. Green’s books have been published in more than 55 languages and over 24 million copies are in print. John is also an active Twitter user with more than 5.4 million followers.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My Thanksgiving

I didn’t expect it, but my Thanksgiving was the most normal and relaxed day I’ve had in a very long time. I might even call it peaceful. We had food, a lot of food. Pupusas, tamales, pumpkin pie, apple pie, and flan. Not your typical Thanksgiving, but what made for a great one in my family.

I sat and watched movies with my sister. Two horror movies, an thriller/action flick, and a romance. I enjoyed all of them. It felt like the much needed reprieve I’d been waiting for. Nothing big happened. Nothing changed. It was a day that just was and for that I am grateful.

It’s been hard to remember to be grateful recently. My family and I do not agree on a lot of things, but they will always be my family and I love them. I know that no matter what they’d never leave me behind. I’m grateful that at least I have a job. I hate it, but I have it. I forget to use it as the stepping stone to keep me afloat until a new door opens.

I also appreciate that even if so many doors have closed in my life recently, that I am young. I’m only 19. I have so many years ahead to figure life out. My journey has only began and yes a lot of sucky things have happened, but as they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. For the first time since everything has happened I feel excited about the future in a way that is different from before. I’ve decided to focus on myself. To focus on the things I want to do with my life. I’m going to work hard and be true to me.

It is going to be slow going for a while. I have a lot of pain that I need time to start to heal. I have a lot of questions with no answers that I need to let go of. But, I think I have the ability to work things out. To get past the sadness. To do something I can be proud of with my life. Even to one day find a love that is good for me. Someone my family loves. Someone I can share everything with and who knows they can share anything with me.

I’m thankful for the life experiences that I’ve had. The good and the bad. It’s kept me with a decent head on my shoulders. I’m thankful for books and I’m thankful for movies. Stories give hope in the dark. I’m thankful for being alive. I have a chance to meet people and see amazing things. It’s a good time to be alive. I’m thankful for the opportunity to move forward. I’m going to do what I can to turn my life around and take the world by storm.

Thanks to all of you for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What’s Going On

No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.

First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.

The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.

Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.

In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.

Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.

Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!