30 Days of Gratitude

These past 30 days I chose to do a gratitude challenge to remind myself of all the incredible things in life there is to be grateful for.

30 days of gratitude challenge: https://pin.it/juwrhlffx7knol

September 18th, 2019

Day 1: What are you most grateful for today?

Today, I’m most grateful for how far I’ve come. My mind is clear. My heart is clear. I am satisfied with who I am. I’ve made full peace with past mistakes. I’ve made peace with all of my past. I’m focusing on a better future. I’m always doing things that I love to do and I’m practicing being happy and fully myself all of the time. I’m keeping my commitments and I’m the strongest mentally and physically that I’ve ever been. So, I guess I’m most grateful for myself. Because I never gave up on myself and I stayed as positive as possible even when it was only to say that it’s ok to feel bad at a point and that I wasn’t always going to feel that way. So I’m proud of myself.

September 19th, 2019

Day 2: What Technology are you most grateful for?

My phone is probably the most important piece of technology that I’m grateful for. Because it’s what I use most for everything. Music, Reading, writing, gaming, video watching, socializing. Everything’s on my phone. Pictures of memories. My financial applications. I used to do online college from my phone. So it is the technology I am most grateful for.

September 20th, 2019

Day 3: What food are you most grateful for?

I love a good tamale or pupusa. But, I think I’m most grateful for Del tacos bean and cheese burritos. They’ve been a go to non-expensive food item that have kept me fed many many times since I was little. That and McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which are also a childhood favorite.

September 21st, 2019

Day 4: What memory in life are you most grateful for?

I’ll never forget the moment as a little girl coming home from flying on my own and running into my dad’s arms after thinking I’d never see him or the rest of my family again. He hugged me so tight it hurt, but I will never forget that hug. It reminds me that no matter what I will always love my family.

September 22nd, 2019

Day 5: What item in your home are you most grateful for?

I’m picking a mundane item for this because that is how I want to interpret this question. So the mundane item in my home I am most grateful for is the family coffee pot. Really recently, my mom finally purchased a coffee pot and since then I’m always drinking coffee. Recently, we’ve had pumpkin spice as well as red velvet flavored coffee that has been delicious. So I’m really grateful to have the coffee pot.

September 23rd, 2019

Day 6: What in nature are you most grateful for?

Literally all the animals! Animals are a gift to us all. They are so human and every single one of them is a unique blessing. I adore them.

September 24th, 2019

Day 7: What book are you most grateful for?

This is a very difficult question. I am grateful for so many books. I guess I have to say Twilight because it is the book that got me into reading in the first place. My life would be very different if I never read that book. So despite it not being the best book, I owe a lot to it.

September 25th, 2019

Day 8: What lesson in life are you most grateful for experiencing?

Day 8 is getting a bit heavy. The end of last year and the beginning of this year were some of the toughest months of my life. My mental state was not the best and my dad was in the worst part of his illness. I felt lost and utterly and completely alone. I found in myself such inner strength from dealing with all of that. I now find myself genuinely happy. I became very independent during this period and I learned how to be my own anchor and I also learned how to not take what other people say or do personally. Even things that my family would say that hurt. I learned to change my perspective. To stay grounded in who I am and what I believe. To do the best I can no matter what. But I also learned to follow joy wherever it is found. I don’t think of my dad’s illness in the same way. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t feel alone. I understand myself better and I understand being human better. I am different now, but also very much the same. So I’m grateful for how the hard times teach the most valuable lessons.

September 26th, 2019

Day 9: What place have you traveled that you are most grateful for?

When I went to San Diego and swam with the dolphins when I was a kid. That’s such a bucket list experience and I was happy to have had it. It was a really amazing experience.

September 27th, 2019

Day 10: What are you most grateful for in your childhood?

I’m grateful for God’s hand in my childhood. I don’t speak much about religion. I’m not here to preach or tell anyone how to live their lives, but I cannot deny God’s hand in my life. Before I was born, my family made a decision to move to a specific place not realizing that that was where they would meet me. I came into their care in a daycare and in so many ways I’ve never left. I’ve always felt guided. I also always felt like I could trust that everything would be ok because I was put where I was for a reason. Especially one experience where I was bit in the eye by a dog and they got my eyelid completely but missed my eyeball. I’m grateful I have sight in both eyes because of that. If that wasn’t a miracle I don’t know what is.

September 28th, 2019

Day 11: What movie are you most grateful for?

This is difficult. Only because I’ve rarely ever thought of movies in a way of being grateful towards them the same way I do for books. But, I have to say that recently it was Endgame. Spoilers: when I saw that Captain Rodgers actually did get to live out a full life with Peggy when I thought that was impossible it released a wave of both happiness and pain inside me. Or rather it transformed pain into joy. It gave me hope to know that in life what’s meant to be will be and that the universe works in incredible and mysterious ways. Most of the time not in the way you think it will.

September 29th, 2019

Day 12: What 3 people in life are you most grateful for?

This is an easy question. My mom, dad, and my sister. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. Even if we don’t always get along perfectly, my life would be radically different without them. I love them with all my heart.

September 30th, 2019

Day 13: what season of the year are you most grateful for?

I am super grateful for fall. The weather is cooler. Things get spooky. I feel more alive and there is Halloween to look forward to and Christmas is not too far behind. It’s one of the most exciting times of the year.

October 1st, 2019

Day 14: What rejection in life are you most grateful for?

In my life, I have experienced many rejections. Mostly from people.. and I’m not just talking about crushes. But, I think the rejection I am most grateful for is the very first one. I don’t like calling it rejection, but my biological mom gave up her rights to keep me and gave me to my grandmother on my dad’s side. From there my grandmother in a way gave me to a family during daycare and while she was in my life after for the most part that family raised me. I wouldn’t be who I am without that first pass off or from the second. It was like baby hot potato. But, I have a family who raised me from love so I’m glad for it. I don’t know if I’d like who I am if I was raised elsewhere. I love the life I was granted. I would never have wanted my life to be different.

October 2nd, 2019

Day 15: What about your body are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for all of my body. My ability to see and hear and touch and taste. I’m grateful for how my body heals. I’m grateful for my brain. I’m grateful for my bodies ability to adapt. To strengthen itself and show me that I’m capable of far more than I often believe. My body has gotten me up everyday and has experienced many beautiful things. I have learned to treasure it. I didn’t always feel that way.

October 3rd, 2019

Day 16: What band are you most grateful for?

The only true answer to this is Linkin Park. Even if I feel like in a way I shouldn’t be allowed to say so. It deeply reminds me of someone I care about and I don’t really know how they feel about me now, but Linkin Park is their favorite band and so I’m not sure about saying this answer even if it’s the only real answer to me that is true. Linkin Park’s Music is beautiful. It’s pulled so many people out of darkness. I even saw a video of a woman who used their lyrics to save a man’s life from committing suicide. Music that saves lives. Music that inspires people to walk in the light in a way that doesn’t shut out the fact that the dark exists. That’s incredible music. I am immensely grateful for it.

October 4th, 2019

Day 17: What about your job are you most grateful for?

I am grateful that I have it. That things have gotten better within it. That the majority of the people are worth working with, especially when it wasn’t always like that.

October 5th, 2019

Day 18: What trait do you have that you are most grateful for?

I am grateful for my sense of loyalty. Not necessarily just to people I care about, but to my ideals. I do my best everyday to be the best person I can be and to treat others well. The very basis of who I am is someone who wants to do some good in this life. Sometimes I mess up, but that’s ok. It all comes with being human.

October 6th, 2019

Day 19: What splurge item do you own that you are most grateful for?

I’m not lying when I say I never splurge. It’s not because I don’t want to it’s more that I convince myself that I’m better off saving for something for someone else. Or for an emergency. Last month I went to go by pants for myself at Forever 21 and I got these great pants for only $3.90 and they look amazing, but I got them for a very low amount. I’m really good at getting nice items for low prices. This includes books (which often come to me for free). I’m probably one of the lowest maintenance people out there. But, I have to admit if I see some shoes from Aldo or some sweatshirts and clothing from hot topic I want to buy them. Especially now that hot topic has this Hocus Pocus sweatshirt with witchy sleeves for $80 and I want that so bad. But, with Christmas coming I’m not even allowed to buy myself stuff. Talking about this makes me want to do a little splurging on myself. Maybe I’ll make a point of it after the year ends.

October 7th, 2019

Day 20: What are you most grateful for in your daily life?

I’m most grateful for the food I have to eat. Everyday I always have something and it’s usually something pretty tasty and the fact that I can eat everyday and try new foods when I want to is a wonderful thing.

October 8th, 2019

Day 21: What small item that you use daily are you most grateful for?

My earphones. They allow me to watch and listen to whatever I want without bothering anyone else with what I’m watching. They also help me to concentrate on one thing, especially if I’m listening to music while writing.

October 9th, 2019

Day 22: What Thanksgiving memory are you most grateful for?

Weirdly enough when I was a vegetarian for two years and this one thanksgiving my grandmother took me to her friends home for dinner and everyone tried to convince me to eat meat and I kept saying no. I’m grateful for this memory because it’s one of the first times I decided something about myself for myself that wouldn’t be changed because others thought it was strange. I may not be vegetarian now, but I do miss it. I never really learned how to do it properly and having to eat out quite a bit in a world where there isn’t always a vegetarian friendly option (looking at you in-n-out) I don’t really push it too much.

October 10th, 2019

Day 23: What use of your phone are you most grateful for?

The use I’m using right now. The ability to write blog posts and connect with others who share the same passions as I do. The amount of blessings I’ve received from blogging have been infinite and I will never ever regret one second of the journey I began 3 years ago! I truly am grateful for the friendships and opportunities that have opened up for me since starting and I know that there will be many more in the future!

October 11th, 2019

Day 24: What about social media are you most grateful for?

This is mostly a reiteration of yesterday. Because the social media I am most grateful for and that I care most about is WordPress. Blogging is an incredible thing. It’s changed my life multiple times. I know it will continue to in the future.

October 12th, 2019

Day 25: What are you most grateful for in your city?

That I live in a place with such a diverse amount of people and how you can go down a single street and see many different cultures and people living alongside one another.

October 13th, 2019

Day 26: What meal did you have today that you are most grateful for?

Both breakfast and lunch. My sister made food both times and when she makes it is always delicious. I had oatmeal in the morning and a meat soup with garlic bread for lunch. Both were amazing!

October 14th, 2019

Day 27: What are you most grateful for in your country?

I’m going to give a real answer for this, because I’m not always super patriotic and politics makes me angry and I can rant about certain things in politics for ages and get nowhere so.. that’s that. What I’m grateful for in this country is the people in it. No matter what craziness is going on the majority of Americans are good people who want to fight for what’s right. It’s the unity that I see in those who protest and who see injustice and call it out that truly make me feel good to be an American.

October 15th, 2019

Day 28: What about your home are you most grateful for?

I’m most grateful for having a home. A place to sleep. A place to keep myself clean and fed. A place where I feel safe. There isn’t really anything about it I’m more grateful for then anything else. All of it is precious to me.

October 16th, 2019

Day 29: What bill are you most grateful to be able to pay?

All of them? Rent is huge because without it I would have no place to live. My phone has everything and if I couldn’t pay that bill no one would be reading this now. Bills are such a necessary thing. The basics of living so I’m grateful to be able to pay them all.

October 17th, 2019

Day 30: What experience this month are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for having dedicated myself to doing this and my yoga practice. I’m grateful because I’ve noticed that through these two things I’ve been able to reduce my anxiety and depression and to feel myself again. I’m so much happier today than I once was and I did that myself and for myself. I’m excited for the future and I’m excited for each day and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website!

If your interested in a personalized poem about whatever you’d like check out my Etsy listing here.

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

I Feel At Peace

I am a person who often has a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams and will often wish those things were in my reality now, but I’m feeling that is something that’s changing in me. Yes, I have my dreams. I have them and I know they will come true in the time they are meant to.

In 2019, I have sat for a very long time in my anxiety. In a way where I learned more and more where it came from and why I felt that way. For me, it stemmed from never having anything truly solid to hold on to for over 18 years. I didn’t know where I was going to be at any given moment. I didn’t feel safe having friends. I didn’t feel like anything I had would remain.

You take that feeling and you enter a new stage of life where it’s now about working and making your own way and being responsible in a way that has consequences that affect so many others and also dealing with seeing someone you love rapidly aging from illness in front of you causes a very real chaos in your emotions. Yet I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My dad has cancer and that’s not going away.

I’ve already experienced falling apart over everything. Back in November I experienced one of the lowest points in my life if not, the lowest point in my life and the emotions made me physically sick. I had an aftermath of months of feeling heavily depressed and very anxious and I did what I needed to to heal that in myself.

I am no longer holding on to all of that. I’m trusting that my future is going to be ok. That I’m going to be ok, because if I can get myself together after feeling that much pain I can get through anything. In my life right now I’m going after what makes me feel good. I’m making myself a priority. I’m caring for my body and eating healthier foods. I’m continuously letting go of the past and thanking it for the lessons it’s taught me. I’m moving into a time in my life where I’m accepting only the best for myself.

I haven’t felt this peaceful with where I am in life in probably my entire life. I’m becoming a better version of myself in every part of my life. I think that even though I haven’t been productive in terms of career and writing I’ve found something even more important in really focusing on myself which has been my self-worth and peace of mind.

I’ve stopped blaming myself for things in general. I’ve stopped beating myself up and instead have been more focused on being my own best friend. I’ve found that I’ve actually been pretty positive about everything this whole time, because I always felt like my sadness was temporary and it was. Anytime I feel sad now is temporary and there is always happiness to be had up ahead. I feel good. Not just a temporary I feel good a lasting I feel good. That’s something special. I guess it’s like Endgame.. no matter how crappy you feel you have to keep moving forward and living your life and never giving up on the fight. Because even if there’s the smallest spark of something living to fight for the fight is worth it.

To everyone reading, I send you all the peace and love in my heart. I truly wish you all well in life. I wish all of you success and happiness. Even to people who aren’t reading this, people who have touched my life in any way at all. I wish all of you peace. I wish you all the deepest happiness you can find within yourselves. I wish you all experience great joy.

I am not nor will I ever be jaded by life. It’s hard enough fighting everyone else when the biggest fight you’ll ever have is at times the one with yourself. I’m tired of resisting my own life’s path. What’s meant for my life will come.

Thanks to all of you for reading! This was a bit of journalistic sort of thought process post for me. I hope you all enjoyed it!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

Till next time!

My Journey to Healing

Some of you know that I didn’t have the best ending for 2018 and that it effected me to the core. I was at a point where my mental state sucked. I was crying all the time. I was questioning everything. But, most of all I was in a state of deep hurt and sadness.

I could not read for a time. I took every sad thing I saw and absorbed it. I couldn’t even continue to discuss what was going on in my head because it made everything that much worse. I felt lost because I truly didn’t have anyone to really talk to about what I was going through. At the worst of it I contacted a crisis chat because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to turn.

I honestly thought I was going to need some sort of grief therapy at some point. But, that never came to pass. My healing came from turning inside of myself. Of staying authentic to who I was as a person and my beliefs, but also letting go of any thoughts of pain, negative thoughts, and any thoughts that made me feel unworthy of any good thing.

I turned to self care and heavy meditation as well as just letting myself be. Slowly, the days became lighter and lighter. I’d have some fantastic days. I got to a point where the good days became more then the bad things and life started not to feel so heavy anymore.

My Dad is still sick. He has prostate cancer as well as stroke issues. The hardest thing for me has been seeing him deteriorate. Sometimes he gets so angry and then depressed and that’s hard for me to handle sometimes. Sometimes his vision comes and goes and it has nothing to do with his eyes, but where the strokes affected his brain. He doesn’t want surgery and he doesn’t want to go through chemo so he’s just being monitored at this point. But, the good news is that he’s been pretty stable in his condition for a while. He hasn’t gotten any worse.

Personally, my mental health has gotten much better. I just needed time to be in my own head and to feel my own grief. Over time I remembered who I truly am at the core. The things I love to talk about. My interests in learning and movies, music, and comedy. Writing was not in my best interest for that time period, because even though it can be at times cathartic, I can often take on how my characters feel and I needed to let go of anything that could potentially add to my stress and sadness.

I can talk about this all now without feeling the pain. Where thinking about the past no longer brings up the past pain.

I am not one to hide anything. I don’t like being dishonest. I don’t like pretending to be anything I’m not. If I care about you, you’ll know it. If I have something I want to work I’ll try to come up with any sort of solution to make it work and sometimes that doesn’t turn out so well and I come off in a way that wasn’t my original intention. But, I own up to my mistakes. At the end of the day I want to be the best person that I can be.

So, I’m committed to starting my life over anew. I’m not going to hold on to any past pain. I get to choose who I am and what I do moving forward in each moment. I get to choose to be my own person and to enjoy what life has to offer me. I feel much calmer as a person now. I also feel more stable in who I am and how to handle anything new that would come into my life. At this point I feel ready for all the good the future has for me. I have a good relationship with all my coworkers. I am steady in what I want to do with my future. I feel good about my body and how I look. I am coping a lot better with the reality of my dad’s health. Also with the reality of my financial situation. I feel like I have all the tools inside me to create a life for myself that I can be proud of.

There is nothing wrong with having mental health struggles. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love or happiness. Taking as much time as you need to heal is valid. There is nothing wrong with feeling in the dark for a time, but you can’t let yourself become the darkness. You have to let yourself recognize the good in you and what you truly want for yourself and to let yourself have it. There is no glory in depriving yourself of love or happiness.

I’ve needed to rejoin the land of the living and I believe that I already have. A big part of it has been being able to go to the movies on Tuesday’s and seeing films like La Llorona and Endgame (which was amazing by the way). Feeling able to purchase something I like every once in a while. Letting myself joke around and sing and dance again.

Everyone in this life has the choice to make the best of their individual situations. To either live in their hurt or to transform it. Sometimes you need to feel the hurt. To think about things and turn them over and not make any massive moves in life. Sometimes healing means taking a long rest. But, when the time comes you have to let yourself come out of that cave. To move forward. That’s where I am at right now. In a place where I’m tired of suffering. My life is in my own hands. So I’m going to make the best of it.

Thanks for reading! This has been a long time coming. I couldn’t be more grateful for this community. I’ve made some friendships here that I will never forget. Thank you all for being a part of my growth. For being part of my support system. It truly means the world to me.

Why I Took an Unplanned Hiatus

Hello everyone!

I’m finally ready to come back to the blogging community. It’s been a while. A lot longer then I would have liked, but a lot has happened recently and I’m now ready to talk about it.

So, at first I took this hiatus because I had an issue at work with a coworker and the whole thing stressed me out because even though what happened was totally uncalled for there was the fear that I might loose my job. However, it’s all straightened out now and me and that coworker no longer work on the same shifts.

After that I got really sick. At one point I went to the emergency room because I was having panic attacks because when I coughed I felt like I couldn’t breath. I woke up at 5:00 am that day and could not sleep because of how bad my sinuses were. I’m still a little under the weather, but I’m much better now.

So in the time I haven’t been blogging I decided to do something I enjoyed while I was awake. Which was to finally watch all the movies in the marvel cinematic universe. I had been wanted to do this for a while, but never knew what order to go in and had only watched iron man, the hulk, and the guardians of the galaxy movies before setting myself on this quest. Today I finally finished all of them and so I’m going to do a blog series about my thoughts.

There is one more thing I want to talk about. During this time sitting just with myself I went through a lot of emotional purging and understandings. One thing is for certain. My mental health gravely impacted my sickness. Mental health issues aren’t to be messed with. They are real and they are strong and they can mess with you. They can be overcome. However, I had given into my own for a while. I let anxiety and depression run the wheel of my life for too long thinking those thoughts were there to protect me when they were lies.

Currently, I’m working on getting back to a better schedule and creating opportunities to talk about things that make me happy, rather then focusing on my losses. It’s been more difficult for me then I thought it would be, but giving myself projects to work on and getting back into reading and writing should all be helpful.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my reality, much like others deal with bipolar disorder, various phobias, and any other mental health issue. But, it does not define me. It makes my life harder. It makes the relationships I have more difficult then they should be, but in working to heal it I become stronger. I’m going to live my life moment by moment. I’m going to keep hope and faith in my life. I’m going to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. I think the more I do so the smaller the hold anxiety and depression will have on me.

There was a time that I thought my mental health journey wouldn’t affect my life that much. Where I made it smaller then it was. I allowed it to sneak up on me and take control. From now on I take the reigns. I’m determined to make each day something I can look back and smile about from now on. I spent way too much time while I was sick stuck in waves of negative emotion and then flipping back into more positive emotion. I’m going to stick to the positive as much as possible from now on.

Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back finally. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What my State Of Mind is Right Now

At this moment in time my mind has come to a state that is much stronger then it’s ever been. After over a month of nonstop tears I’ve finally found a respite. It’s nice to feel this way as Christmas approaches. However, I don’t think the Christmas mood is going to find its way into my heart this year. I’ve made my peace with that. I’m focusing as much as I can on healing my hurt and slowly getting myself into a place where I let myself hope again.

Looking back on these past few months I’ve never had myself spiral this bad into depression and anxiety. I realized that decisions I made where not good and resulted in loosing something I never wanted to loose because instead of taking things calmly and trusting in fate and trusting in general I let worry and fear control me. I am never ever doing that again. In every situation that comes my way in the future I’m going to make better decisions and trust that things will work out as they should naturally. Things fall apart when you try so hard to make things work that you act so irrationally that the opposite happens.

As of right now, I have accepted my confusion about the events of the past few months. I have accepted that whatever is going to happen in the future is going to happen. I have come to realize that I’m very sorry for the things my anxiety led me to, but that my anxiety isn’t an excuse. If I work at it I can control it and I didn’t. I’m never making that mistake again.

I know now that when I fall in love with someone it’s permanent. That I’m going to feel that love in my heart for the rest of my life, but because of it I understand that sometimes the other person needs something else in life. That I can’t force a person to stay when they don’t want to and their reason is their reason and it’s not up to me to hold on. That my happiness can be overwhelming when I’m with someone, but I can find and be happy standing on my own. Because I’m a whole person. Love just makes me overflow.

I’ve also learned that break ups really can be as upsetting as tv would have you believe. If I let myself really think about it, as I have done a lot in the recent past, I can get to a state where I’m bawling and so I try not to so much.

Regardless of what happens in the future who stays in my life, who comes into it, or who leaves, or what random thing life has in store for me, I’m going to build up my armor, not necessarily to keep people away, but to get through any obstacles that may come my way in a healthy and better way. So instead of freaking out about things that are out of my control I leave it up to faith and trust that good is just around the corner.

I also have come to realize that my family and I have very different stances on a lot of things that I didn’t previously think we thought differently on. That as I grow in the future I have to trust how I feel more then getting lost in worries that aren’t even my own. To listen to concerns, but to trust in my own judgment more.

Right now, I’m building the blocks of a much steadier mind. I know how I feel and I know that I have to trust that things will turn out well in the future. I have learned many lessons and am now going to make sure they stick. I will create happiness for myself. I will be so much better as a person for all that’s happened. Even if I wished I could turn back and change a lot of it. Maybe then things wouldn’t have ended like they did (preferably not ended at all) , but all I can do is look forward.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Using Crisis Chat for the First Time

Yesterday, my mental health plummeted. I wasn’t and have never been suicidal so at least I’m still ok in that way, but I was in so much emotional pain that I felt like throwing up and I could barely eat. The only reason I didn’t throw up was because I hate that more then anything and I will avoid it at all costs. Hence the very minimal eating.

My dad is doing very poorly. Currently, my family and I are on our way to emergency and yesterday once I got off work (I don’t know how I managed to work in the mental state I was in) we went to urgent care and then got his chest X-rayed. However, on top of the already mounting health issues my dad now can barely see. Plus, the way he is talking.. it’s been really hard for me to cope.

Last night, and these past few days I’ve just desperately needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling about the craziness that has become my life. To be open about how lost I feel. How broken I feel I’ve become. How that doesn’t feel allowed for me due to my responsibilities. To talk about how I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost my relationship with someone who made me feel happier everyday.

Everything piled up all at once and I don’t quite know how to handle it. Yesterday I watched YouTube video after YouTube video trying desperately to find any happiness I could. To laugh so I would forget where I was and so I wouldn’t cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I need some healing mentally, but I know things seem to only be getting worse and I know that true healing is far away.

Right now, I wanted to talk a little about my conversation. Somehow, I was lucky enough to talk to a counselor who was also a writer! I didn’t find that out till the end, but it was still really cool to talk to someone who also wrote novels, but did something like volunteer to talk to people like me who are under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil.

One thing I noticed was how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who I could tell everything that was going on to. Honestly, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to, but I didn’t really need to. It just felt good to tell someone what was going on and know that they would listen. I’ve increasingly come to the acknowledgement that I need therapy. There is just too much weight on my shoulders and I don’t want to ever be a burden on anyone. Right now, I feel like a burden. That I’m just going through so much that I’m not only emotionally drained, but that I could potential emotionally drain other people.

My situation feels very unfair, but it is what it is and I have to live this life that I’ve been given. I want to be able to make the most of it, but yesterday I was barely functioning. My mom responds to my tendency toward apathy with a cut it out sort of mentality. Which in a way, kind of works-ish. I have too much riding on my existence in terms of my family’s needs from me to have the ability to completely crumble. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go to work at all. I was having a break down and yet I worked anyway, because it’s not my choice, but I don’t have many choices to make. If it was my choice I would have gone to an actual councilor then and there.

The reason I’m writing all this is because mental health is important to me. Sharing the experience of it is important to me. Being able to connect with others who have struggled and continue to struggle everyday is important to me. To be open in saying I’m struggling and hurting to show it’s normal. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Getting help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So please, if your ever struggling, please use a hotline or crisis chat.

Here is the link to the crisis chat.

If you need immediate help please call a crisis hotline. Here is a link to different numbers if need be.

Thank you for reading! Thank you all for being with me on my life’s journey. For caring. Many of you know my life has been up and down and crazy recently. I hope that this helps someone. I will continue to write posts like this one as time goes on. Helping someone with my story is all I hope for. Leave your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Mindfulness and Finding Beauty Where you Can

A few months ago, I got really fed up with myself. I was way too attached to my YouTube Videos and as much as Markiplier, Jack Septic Eye, and Just Kidding Films made me happy, they were a crutch. They were my excuse to not take action. I was neglecting myself and my mental health and ignoring my sadness and giving into apathy.

It was like a knife to the gut when I decided I had to cut out YouTube from my life altogether at least for a time. I needed to be productive and most of all I needed to write. However, when I started all that I decided I would put more effort into my blog and learning Spanish. Somewhere in there I found a post on mindfulness and meditation. So I checked it out.

Mindfulness to me never felt like something I could practice as some of the meditations I had tried before just didn’t work and gave me a headache. They were usually really long and meant for sleep and it turned me off from meditation. Never mind, that many people suffering from depression often mentioned their disdain of people telling them have you tried this? Making them want to scream, because it’s been shoved down their throats one too many times.

Even so, I decided why not try it? I downloaded a mindfulness app and started meditation and at first I sucked at it. It was different from what I thought and I tended to not have the ability to let my worried thoughts go. However I kept coming back to it and slowly ever so slowly my mind gained a little sense of peace. It helped me jumpstart the ups and downs of my growing productivity.

After a while, I got addicted to it. It was a part of my day that was just for me. Even if now it brings me to a state where I fall asleep even with a short meditation. It thought me so many things. Sometimes it was concentrating on the space around me or remembering a bad memory and learning not to turn away from my emotions. The practices are all so varied.

One of my favorite ones is imagining myself as a tree I played on in childhood. The tree is bent and I can still find it at the park I played at. I remember lying on it face down and hugging it. Not bothered by ants going past or if a squirrel was up in the higher parts of the branches. I could imagine the texture of the wood and how it felt to lie my face against it. Imagining myself as that tree made me feel so much serenity and strength. Being bent only to accommodate the people that love me. I go back to that meditation every chance I get.

I’ve learned from meditation that our thoughts have only the power we choose to give them. That they can lie to you. That you can choose what thoughts to entertain and which to let fall away.

I’ve learned to find beauty in every place I can. To find joy in the simple things and to trust in the fluidity of life. I’ve also learned that mindfulness isn’t a cure all for mental illness. It’s just a manifestation of self care. It helps me. It reminds me of how important the present is and how much we need to live and live for now. How to let life lead you where it will.

I appreciate my body and my organs now more then I ever have. I welcome each breath as it comes and every unending beat of my heart. That’s huge for me. I am no longer the girl who saw her long hair in freshman year of high school and felt a true sense of disgust for the briefest of moments and decided I had to cut it.

I don’t let moments of self-hate define me anymore. The thoughts come and I breath and I let go not into nothingness, but into a place of happiness.

I still falter. I sometimes give in to my pain, but it’s not so alluring anymore and I have bounced back again and again more and more with less and less giving up.

Thank you all for reading! I hope that this has helped some of you in some way. I highly recommend practicing a little mindfulness and adding it into your lives. It may or may not work for you, but I hope you all will give it a try.

-Till next time!

Life Update: Please Send Well-wishes/Prayers

Hi everyone.

My dad has been sick for a while and we finally took him to the hospital yesterday. It was lucky we did because his kidneys were beginning to fail. We arrived at the hospital at 11 and spent over 11 hours as they worked in emergency to save him and transferred him over to be admitted into the hospital.

I just want him to be well.

We are headed over there early today to be there for him for whatever he needs. Just seeing him in the hospital looking so small, so delicate… I would love for him to be home and well as soon as possible.

They haven’t fixed the cause of the almost failure, but the doctors are working on figuring out what went wrong.

I’m not sure how I’ll be able to keep doing all the things I have been doing, but I know that my mom wants me to continue normally as much as possible. As for posting I might be more sporadic then usual… or I might throw myself into things more because it’s a great distraction from getting really depressed.

Anyway, I am emotionally and physically tired and I am just hoping for any prayers I can get. It’s so hard seeing the man I love so much, my dad, looking like a small shell of his former being.

Thanks for reading.

-Till next time.

Life Update: Healing from an Issue not Commonly Discussed 


Over the course of my short life of 18 years walking this earth I have struggled with various issues with myself that I normally don’t talk about, but there is one issue that has progressed extremely negatively in recent years and that is my use of nasal sprays. 

I know, I know, your thinking what the heck? How is that even a thing, but I’m here to tell you that it’s gotten to the point that for over a year I could not breath through my nose without spraying it every few hours or so every single day. Another thing you might be thinking is why is this such a big deal? 

Well, for starters needing to use nasal spray in public is an extremely embarrassing thing for me. Sticking a spray up my nose and inhaling like some sort of drug addict always made me feel super self-conscious and all the while while the spray was a temporary solution it was doing major damage to my health (at least for where congestion is concerned). My nose has adapted to the ingredients in the spray so well that when I take it I rarely even get fully decongested any more and I’m constantly blowing my nose and sniffiling and that’s a whole other sort of embarrassment. 

Every time I pick up that spray bottle I see a future with me never being able to live without it and thinking that way is making it so it’s harder and harder for me to be able to live life to the fullest. So, I did a bunch of research on it and the only way for me to cut the dependency fully is to quit cold turkey. (There are a few other methods, but I find that this is what would work best for me). So this morning I took my last dose of spray and I’m finally going to quit using the spray for good. 

From my research this process will take anywhere from about a few days to a few weeks before I can heal fully and breathe normally again and right now I can’t breathe at all. The hardest part is going to be getting through the anxiety of not being able to breathe which was the monster that drove me to my dependency in the first place. If I can push through this and start to feel healthier again it will be one of the biggest reliefs of my life. 

If you do ever have congestion issues please don’t use nasal drops. In the short term they are fantastic, but in the long run it can cause major issues to your health. 

Thank you for reading! I know this is a strange post, but after finding out how dangerous it was to use drops the way I have been using them I had to share. If I could help anyone with my story that may have this issue it would be a blessing. This is going to be a hellish few weeks, but in the end my future health is what is most important. 

-Till next time!