I Have Work To Do

I have a lot of problems with getting myself to do what I’m aching to do. It has effected a lot of my life and because my life has been so messy all the time recently I feel like I might as well surrender to the mess and go with the chaos and just do what I want.

So my plan is simple. Decide what I want to do and do it. First things first. The reason I haven’t posted since the last post was I got scammed twice, lost myself to depression, and found comfort in my many conversations with my partner after. To put it colorfully I fucked up. The anxiety kept me from school work and because it was my last week of the term I became a hermit and could only do school work for a time.

The great part is this. I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of so much outside bullshit happening and I’m ready to actually just focus and take the world by storm. My world.

I’m not here to convince anyone to be, do, or think a certain way. I’m here to share myself and my ideas and learn and create and become more and different all the time. On my journey, I share what I feel should be shared in order to give something to others to connect with and feel inspired from on their own journeys.

I’m here to have fun and share fun and to mess up and to do really really well and to love and jump and dance and decide and I am finally ready to live. To live for me. To live and just give my damn soul to my desires. To feel vigorously and beautifully alive.

So firstly I am going to do one of the most fun and incredible things by finally writing my Scooby doo fanfic. I have wanted to do this for so long. I have loved Scooby Doo since I was a child. One of my favorite pictures in the world is one of me in the mystery machine that happened to be serviced at an auto repair place. My heart lit up to be there.

I want to write a mystery for our beloved Mystery Inc. friends to solve. Maybe make it a little darker then our friends tend to experience, but still at the heart Scooby Dooby Doo. Once it’s finished I’ll either publish it on wattpad or figure out another place to publish it, but regardless this is something I would like you all to experience and read.

This also means watching some of the movies and tv shows of Scooby for research and seeing at the heart what makes Scooby so great and how I can make a story that unique yet still holds that Scooby Doo specialness at the center.

Believing in myself to write this passion project will be the first time in a long time I’ve allowed myself to honor myself and let go of doubt. Doubt does nothing to serve me. It’s crippled me. It’s made me think I’m a failure. It’s driven me to inaction again and again and I say enough. It’s enough.

I am here. I am going to read and write and play games and write whatever posts I damn well please on this blog. I will do it everyday that I can.

Another thing that sets my heart on fire is learning some dances because it pleases me. So I will do that as well. Maybe, I’ll post video on here at some point. Maybe I’ll keep it to myself. Either way I’m going to have fun.

Also, exploring makeup more. I wear makeup most days and I love to experiment, but there’s never too much of that and I think when I’m more confident I’ll share some looks on instagram and see what comes of it.

The last thing that’s important to me to mention is continuing my best thing that happened in a day journal going. Even on days that are extremely depressing. I want to remember that there is good in every day.

I realize now with the fact I haven’t given up. In spite of everything. That I’m here typing this right now at almost 3 am. That that’s how done I am with inaction. As well as the complete joy I feel writing this. Now I can truly say I am back and here to stay. So much to come. I am ready now.

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Good Morning to All!

Good morning everyone! It may or may not be morning when your reading this, but as I’m writing this it’s 7:23 am, and so, it’s a good morning from me.

I have decided that today, March 11th, 2020, is the day that I get back to an old routine of productivity that works for me. I wake up everyday at 5:30. Do my yoga and take a shower. Get ready to tackle the day. Then I write.

This schedule allows me to be incredibly productive. I can write a lot. I can read more. It allows me the ability to be fully present later in the day not worrying about getting anything else done, because I tackled it first thing in the morning. It’s one of the most successful routines I’ve ever had.

In the recent weeks and since the beginning of this year really, I’ve felt the most free I’ve been in my entire life. I’ve found my joy. Something I’ve been basking in and feeling wonderful about for a long while. Now, I’m adding in productivity. Taking care of myself in a better way has been accomplished. It’s now time to be passionate. To get up everyday and to do the things I love to do. To become more the woman I know that I can be. Someone strong, goal-oriented, who steadily does the things she loves, and who allows herself to evolve a bit every single day.

So to everyone I say good morning! Each and everyday is a new one. The ability to create a new way for yourself is available each and everyday. All you have to do is decide and then start.

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An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

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-Till next time!

Some Lessons I’ve Learned from Life and Blogging

I really don’t know why I wanted to discuss this right now. Maybe, it’s mostly just so I can remember that I have made progress in my life even if technically looks pretty similar to what it was only a year ago.

I have big dreams for my life. I want to be an author and share stories with anyone willing to read them with the hopes that my stories would effect someone’s life the way stories have affected my life.

One of my biggest issues has been wanting to do everything all at once and not making things manageable for myself. I have a tendency to want it all. The success, the many finished books in my back poker, the “perfect” relationship (mind you my definition of perfect in this case is pretty imperfect, but explaining this would take way too long.. mostly I just want to have a relationship where someone works side by side with me and we both support each other), to have my family relationship to be good, to feel good in my own skin, to be fluent in a second language.. and the list goes on. There are so many goals I have for myself and chasing after all of them causes me to burn out more often then not.

Life has thrown many a wrench in my life and from this challenges I’ve learned to slow the hell down. I don’t know how long I have on this earth and it’s part of the reason I feel the need to move quickly at times, but it causes me to want to jump to the end of things instead of enjoying every step of every part of my journey. It’s so important to take the time to put your full attention to each step of something and not just the beginning and the end. Sometimes grinding is necessary. Sometimes, rest is necessary. Giving the time needed for each part of something will make a better whole in the long run.

But, the most important thing of all is to remember to truly live your life and not get into the habit of just existing. Honestly, it’s the reason I never started freelancing, because even if I do believe it might be a lucrative venture for me in the long run.. writing about stuff I don’t care for isn’t something I ever want to do. However, I have a delightful announcement that I’m going to make at a later date that is a venture that I’m proud to begin.

I feel like I’ve touched on something of this from my life Update post, but with my home situation being what it is, I’ve learned a level of patience that I never thought I’d learn. My level to get annoyed by something has increased dramatically. My ability to understand has increased dramatically. The amount it takes before stress gets me to break down has increased. Even my tolerance for my own failings and my patience with myself has increased a ton. When I think about where I am now from where I was I feel like I’ve evolved from Mew to Mew 2.

As far as lessons from blogging, I’ve learned when to take breaks. I’ve learned also to plan things out, but also to write whatever I want when I want. I know that if I structure things too much I end up getting bored and that’s not what I want to happen with something I love doing so much. I try not to plan posts more then a day ahead. I may have types of posts and set projects, but when they go up is kept as loose as possible.

However, one of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn has been not to post about what I plan to do.. meaning TBR’s or saying I’m back for sure or.. I’m going to write this much for this long.. it usually just doesn’t work out. Proclaiming a certain level of productivity doesn’t work. I mean sometimes it does, but a lot of the time I just get tired of routine. It’s probably why I’ve never really completed a Nanowrimo. I try.. I say every time that this time will be the time it works out and after a few days everything comes to a hault.

Manly, the lesson I’ve learned is to chill out. To take my time. Not to rush anything. To give everything it’s own time (just like the song). To take care of myself and to have fun.

It’s all about balance and sometimes letting yourself be. It’s getting up and trying again and again and again. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting yourself change. It’s accepting that perfection of any kind truly doesn’t exist and that its ok and even good to fail. It’s about accepting yourself as you are and accepting yourself as you change and letting yourself change. It’s about not letting the past prevent yourself from having a beautiful present and future. Most of all, life is about truly living and truly loving with all of you in every moment and being authentic to who you are in each moment.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this reflective post. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Feeling Good!

There was a time in my life where something small could become something heart-wrenching. Where fear ruled and took control. I feel it’s reign ending and the smoke clearing. I feel peace and hope once again knocking on my door. The beginnings of a whole new world are at my doorstep. The pain is being washed away. The anxiety is being washed away. The fear is being cut loose and I am the one standing in its wake a victor. I needed the hurt to rise above it. I needed the rest to be the foundation of my awakening. I feel good. I feel powerful. I am free. What an amazing feeling it is to finally feel good as me. The best is yet to come. There is something good to find in the every moment. I am the master of me. I am the creator of my world. I can’t wait to see what comes next. I can’t wait to show the world the stardust I’m made of. I can’t wait to see what I create. It’s going to be glorious. It’s going to be a life I am proud of. It’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! This is just a little late night poem to share an awesome breakthrough I’ve had. Things can only go up from here. I hope things are going well for all of you reading. Everyone deserves to feel this good.

-Till next time!

Choosing to Live Life Fully

After being sick for a while, I forgot once more the state of mind I had gotten myself to just before I got sick. For some reason, being sick brought out a lot of the anxious thoughts and emotions I had been feeling for a while prior. But, it is time to let those thoughts go. To set them free and give them away. They are not serving me any.

I’m living my life to the fullest this year. I may have stumbled at the start, but I’m not going to let that stop me. There is so much in this life to appreciate and enjoy so I’m going to enjoy them.

I just needed to write this to remind myself of the path I wish to take. To live my life fully, unapologetically, and without regrets. It might be a while till I can embrace this fully, but I’m going to try and try until that is my reality. Because, I want to live the life I choose.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My 20th Birthday

Today, December 17th, is my birthday. For many people a birthday is something special and something celebratory. For me most of the time it feels like just another day of life. Yeah, I get well wishes and congratulations, but honestly if I didn’t mention my birthday was coming up to anyone no one would be the wiser.

That’s something I’ve come to terms with over the years. Having a December birthday can be weird because everyone’s scrambling for gifts for their loved ones for Christmas and frankly I understand that that’s what is and should be more important to people. A lot of the time too gifts for a December birthday and Christmas are rolled into one and you learn that that’s just what it is.

The point that I’m trying to make is, I’ve learned that the day of my birth isn’t all that special, but I can use it as a way to gather what I’ve accomplished in that year of life and what I want to do in the future.

So this year in my life I want to try and accomplish goals I’ve wanted to achieve for years. Like writing everyday and exercising when I can. But I also want to make it a point to be happier. To do as many things as I can that make me happy. To ask when I want something. To not feel so guilty about wanting things for myself.

I also want to tell my future self that no matter what happens this year to be more mindful and chill out a bit before making any decisions. To take life a little more calmly. But at the same time to not hold back and take chances.

There is no reason that the 20th year of my life can’t be one of the best years of my life. I just got to have faith and do what feels right.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Failure is Inevitable

On my journey to progress in mental health, writing, language learning, and just doing the best I can, I have realized that I have failed many times and that I will fail even more in the future. It is the way of life that failure and losing is going to happen to you far more then success. It will happen, but it’s what you do with that failure that is important.

My failures are settling into my apathy and letting life pass me by and going through the motions of life. My failures are giving into my vices and giving up. Basically not showing up to do the things I need to do to move forward in life.

It took me a long time to reach a point where I could reflect on my failures and why I am failing again and again and working to create a different approach to how I’m doing things so that I tend to fail a bit less. I understand that I have messed up or that I was too far in a bad headspace to want to move forward and the very next day I start over.

I think and live more and more in the present. I forgive my faults as I work to change them and pick myself up again and again. I build habits as much as I build a new attitude and I put one step in front of the other. When things that happen that are out of my control I try not to see it as failure (though I still do at times). I try to make how I react count. I work towards healthy inside and out and I force myself to think that (for things that are in my control) I will not be the person that let’s myself fail.

I am proud that because I have changed a lot of my mindset so relentlessly that I have begun to move forward without giving in for longer and longer times. I work day to day and take each moment as my opportunities and it’s changed me. I have my daily things to do and I get them done (most of the time). I give myself projects to look forward to.

Failure is the thing I am no longer afraid of. Things happen, I get knocked down, I feel hopeless, yet the next day I open my eyes the world moves and I choose to move with it. Don’t let failure be the thing that makes you feel that your dreams are hopeless. Know that you will fail. Give yourself room for it even. Yet don’t let it be your excuse. Every day when you open your eyes choose to be the person who takes action. Choose to try and try and try and try again working every angle you can think of and creating more. Don’t give up but even when you do don’t let it last. Give yourself a reset. Just like a video game character getting up with their thousandth life.

Thanks for reading! What are your dreams and aspirations? What will you do to make them happen? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Thank You, Markiplier!

I wasn’t going to make a post today. In truth, mostly out of laziness and other parts simply not feeling like writing anything at all. However, by some miracle I had the day off work today and by some other miracle I divided to click on a video that helped me to remember some of the things I feel are most important.

A video called THIS GAME IS SO IMPORTANT | Hearts and Heroes by Markiplier.

I have never mentioned it before but I am a huge YouTube gaming fan and one of my favorite people to watch whom I’ve watched for years has been Markiplier. Watching this 4 hour 21 minutes video in one sitting is oddly enough one of the things I truly needed to see and do at this point in my life.

You see for me, I’ve always struggled because I’ve always wanted to create something that made people feel the happiness and joy that the books and authors and creators on YouTube have given me… and for so many years Markiplier has been both an inspiration and someone I deeply admire. This video reminded me that we all start from the tiniest of seeds and that if we reach out into the world and take baby steps someday sooner then you would ever expect your dreams come true.

This video made me cry (I’m still crying writing this) because I’m at in a point in my life where I feel like I’m floundering and yet so many good things have happened up until now that I feel I should be immensely proud of. Such as this platform… this blog that I have neglected and tried to get back to and failed to and tried again, this blog that has almost 2,000 followers… 2,000… and to think that I reached that in just over a year baffles me.

The person in my life that haunted me most is no longer a shadow on my shoulder. Everything that they ever did to try and keep me from the people and things I loved most have been completely reversed and the freedom I know feel from that is inexplainable. I will probably discuss that more in detail in a later post because it is something that means so much to me and I think I finally want to share that with everyone.

Yet, there are so many things that I have yet to settle within myself. So many wants and hopes and things that I almost dare not dream or think of. Yet this post makes me want to dare to dream them. Being an author. Starting my own YouTube channel. Continuing Beyond the Surface (more on this later). Learning Spanish. Learning other languages. Being a poet. Going to Japan. Finding love. Being someone I can be proud of. Doing things that I never even imagined.

The creators of the game Hearts and Heroes spent 2 whole years of their lives creating it. The resulting product resonated with me so strongly I’ve been beside myself because of it. It makes me think of the dedication, hope, and love that we all should always put forth in every single thing we do and want to do and into every interaction we have.

This game filled with characters of all shapes and sizes feels like it was made to inspires all those people who have fear in their hearts to dare think to go after what they hope for in life. Maybe it’s unrealistic, maybe it’s getting lost in a fantasy, but the hope, the hope is so very real.

So, to you out there reading this I just want to say thank you! Accomplishing the changes and hopes that we want in this world takes a community of people and you guys, you guys are my very own little community and for that I am grateful.

I wish for all your dreams to come true whatever they may be.

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I’ve finally stopped crying.. gosh this made me feel all the feels.

-Till next time!

An Inspirational Quote For Your Day

I hope you all keep climbing. 

-Till next time!