Doing Instead of Fearing

The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.

Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.

Speaking of if you wish to support me and my family while also getting some awesome, delicious smelling candles order at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SistersOfTwilight

However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.

The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.

All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.

The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.

So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.

But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.

So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Good Riddance to 2020

2020 was an awful year. I think all of us can agree on that. It’s also been a particularly strange year. There’s been some questionable things that have happened this year.

I’m happy to say good bye to 2020. I can’t say I’m not terrified of what’s to come. There’s certain things that I know have to come eventually and currently I’m not ready for it. Christmas Day my dad had to be taken to the hospital. He has been battling cancer for a long while now and we learned that the tumor has made his prostate the size of a small watermelon when it’s only supposed to be the size of a walnut. Which causes all kinds of complications in the body.

Also, the doctors never told us if his cancer has spread or not. Or if his bleeding was solely because his prostate is so large. Also, the fear of my mom taking my dad to the emergency room as Covid is out of control was some of the most terrifying anxiety I’ve ever experienced. The good news is he is home now and they are going to figure out if he is viable for surgery or not.

Fear. Fear for me is what drove 2020. Fear and hope and just doing my best to be happy and somehow having those wonderful happy moments I’ll cherish forever within this year.

This year has been exhausting and yet I’ve looked forward to each day because yes the world is terrible right now, but I can’t let myself seek in too despair constantly because what’s the point otherwise? I take comfort in the things I can do. The moments I can enjoy. Because those moments are what make life worth living.

This year I found a wonderful person I love and friends that have been amazing. People who have all made me laugh and feel a little lighter. People I’m proud to have by my side.

Covid has changed the world. Both slowed down and accelerated my life. Made me terrified and yet made me want to love those around me harder.

It’s a terrible year and yet it’s changed my life in good ways too. I have memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my life from this year. Yet, moments that will forever be remembered by the anxiety and fear I felt while living them.

2020 has brought out a lot of the worst in many people. A lot of a ‘who cares’ attitude that puts families like mine at risk. That fear will carry into 2020, because the pandemic isn’t over and I know it won’t be for a long while.

I’m happy to have the people in my life I have in my corner. Together, we’ve survived 2020. That in and of itself is enough of an accomplishment.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

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2019: The Year I Take Back Life for Myself

Before I had said I wasn’t ready for 2019. But, I think a few things have changed that. The first, I saw this little girl at my work yesterday and she was the feistiest happiest little girl I ever saw. She just by being alive and being as happy as could be inspired me. I’ve been wallowing over everything that I can’t change. The guy I fell in love with left me. My dad’s health isn’t doing well and continues to decline. My finical situation sucks. I’m in a job I hate. I’m not writing and I hadn’t felt motivated to do anything sense I lost the one thing that really felt good in a all the chaos.

Yet, yet that little girl she reminded me of something really important. That it’s not life that decides who you are and what you do it’s you. You can choose to shine your light or you can choose to wallow. I’m done wallowing. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life for me again. I want to be what makes me happy. Whatever that brings into my life I want to give my all into.

I may not have the guy that I fell for to dance through life with anymore, but I have myself. I will always have myself. I want to forage love for myself. I want to be mindful of my mental health and achieve great things next year.

So here are my goals for 2019:

• To write everyday a minimum of 500 words towards one of my WIPs. Writing needs to be more of a priority in general. I have no real excuse about not making my dream a reality. If I create a daily writing habit I can finally take real steps toward eventually publishing a novel one day.
• To not freak out when things don’t happen the way I think they will. Too often I think that somethings going to turn out a certain way or that someone is going to react one way or another and a lot of the time I’m wrong and things end up worse off then they were before. So, I’m going to be mindful of myself and take time to process a situation before I make a decision. I am also going to just be really open and honest about as much as I can and to not get so upset about things when they go awry. Getting upset doesn’t really help anyone and it certainly doesn’t help me. I’m going to leave more things up to my faith. To try and learn to recognize what things need my input and what things don’t. To give things time to dissipate on their own time and not do so much scrambling to fix things that I can’t fix.
• To read books I Physically Own. I have many books on my shelves being neglected. Many I’m super excited to read. I just need to get my butt in gear and read them.
• To not take things too seriously. Yes, there are things in this life that are serious and need to be thought about, however, with my mental health being what it is I need fun in my life. I need to laugh and be happy. I need to dance when I feel like it. I need to make jokes when the moment arises. I need to go out and enjoy what the world has to offer when I need to. I can’t live my life fearing what’s next all the time. Living a life full of sadness and anxiety isn’t living a life at all. And in a lot of ways this means leaving my heart open, not just to love (even if I still have only one guy in my heart, even if I’d love it for him to be back in my life, I can’t force someone to want me in their life, and so I have to accept that he let me go) but to friendships and to people in general.
• To give Duolingo a second chance. Sometimes I forget my own neediness and desire for knowledge. I love to study things. Anything really. Take me to look at science books in a store and I’ll be interested. Language is one of the things that fascinates me. I need to continue my Spanish practice and do at least two levels of the whole tree and maybe then I can move on to a new language. All I know is daily practice is key!
• To write a poem every day. This is going to be fun for me, because I’m planning on doing a random poetry prompt generator and putting all my poetry up on wattpad. These poems are probably going to be a bit silly, but the point of it is also to let my brain loosen up a bit. To have fun while writing something.
• To blog daily. I hate that I often have random hiatuses where none of you know why I stopped posting for a while or what’s going on. I want to commit to blogging and have fun with it. I might have to do a little bit of planning to keep myself on track, but I don’t mind doing so so much. I know I’m capable of it so I’m going to give it a go.
• To meditate daily. Meditation is one of those little things that has really helped me stay sane. I haven’t been doing it much recently and I need to find my way back to it.
• To take my mental health seriously. Recently, due to my very terribly timed break up with someone I never wanted to loose my mental health suffered greatly. My eating was weird because there were times where nothing tasted good and It’s caused me to want to throw up. I’ve cried a lot. Even though I’m trying to move forward I still want to cry now. The missing feels like I have a hole where my heart used to be, but at the same time I feel so much love for him there and it’s as if my heart refuses to believe it’s all over. The strangest things remind me of him and as positive as I’m trying to be sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and let the world swallow me whole. It hurts a lot. I feel like I lost something truly beautiful. I feel like I lost something truly right. Because of these feeling I hurt and at the most random of times. I’ll cry alone in the storage room at work or in the shower or just walking anywhere. I need to make it a point to be good to myself and take things slow. Yes, I want to start doing things again. I don’t like to feel like things out of my control have gotten the best of me. I want to move forward with my life and remember that what’s meant to be will happen and nothing can stop it. That whoever I’m meant to be with is out there and if it’s the guy I fell for then he’d be there for me, but if not then someone really awesome is waiting for me and they deserve me at my best. That I deserve to be my best self for me. So I’m going to be kind to myself in 2019. I’m going to get productive, but I’m also going to be good to myself.
• To maintain my eating/exercise habits. My body already looks better now then it ever did. I weigh less then I did in high school. My sister subscribed to a workout program online called Les Miles. Over the past few weeks I’ve been exercising a whole lot more and it’s been a lot of fun. In 2019, I want to work on my physical health and find strength both physically and mentally.
• To work on a business project. Hopefully this works out the way I hope it will, because then I’ll have my own little business to keep up and running in 2019! It’s at the basic stages right now, but hopefully I’ll be selling some very special products in the new year!
• To find and wear clothing that makes me feel good. I don’t talk about it much, but I do appreciate fashion. I don’t wear stuff that I actually like wearing often at all because in my job I have a uniform and everything gets dirty and I end up feeling like a potato at work, but I want to make some opportunities to look nice outside of work for myself. Especially now that I’m really starting to love how my body actually looks.
• To keep up a daily journal. Sometimes it can feel cathartic to keep up a journal. To remember that you can feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next. Plus, it will be a nice little something to look back on. Who knows what each day will bring?
• To stretch daily. I’ve always wanted to be flexible, but I give up on it far too often. I want to make it a point to work at least a little towards it everyday. Who knows? Maybe the impossible split isn’t impossible?
• To choose myself. I have a bad habit of doing things to please other people. To put others needs before my own. Even to let others problems become mine. I’m an empath and even reading a fictional story can leave me balling. I need to start choosing myself. To do what I feel is right for me. To make myself a priority. To listen to myself and do things that make me happy and that are genuinely good for me.
• To interact with fellow bloggers again. I’ve been dreadfully inactive in this community. I miss reading and commenting on everyone’s blogs. I’m going to make it a point to start commenting again more often in the new year.
• To reduce my anxiety and depression. Recently, I’ve been really working hard on this part of myself. These feelings internally are hard to ignore. A big thing for me is going to be working on seeing positives in life. To take little pieces of happiness wherever I can find it. To give in to what God and the universe has in store for me and to stop trying to control it.

2019 and the rest of my life is coming weather I’m ready or not. What’s going to happen with life is going to happen no matter what. I can’t forget to enjoy life. I can’t let myself go through life feeling broken. I need to enjoy what I’ve got. To have fun. To be my best self. I have not handled many of the recent events in my life well. I made some poor decisions that I regret. Healing in the new year may take time. I know getting back to myself will take time, but eventually I’ll get there. When I finally do I can’t wait to see what the world has in store for me. 2019 will be a year of hard work, but it will be incredible to see who I become once it is over.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Under Pressure

Stress, anxiety, too much popping up 

Got things to do no time to do them

I’m feeling down when I should be feeling up

It’s good to dream 

It’s good to hope

The best things come with time 

But in sharing dreams 

In sharing in possibilities 

Sometimes the heat builds up 

And don’t you know 

That too much pressure 

Causes the best of things to explode? 

The physical pain 

Of being stretched out 

Is killing me 

Shutting me down 

I need to slow 

To let things be 

I need to give time to figure things out

Things are good yet ohh so strange

The wanting is the worst part 

If things just were 

And anxiety left 

This pressure would cease to exist

But it’s here and weighing down 

Making my lungs burn 

I need to take steps 

One after the other 

Maybe after slow release 

I can rest 

With a new year comes new pressures and it’s easy to let things pile up. It’s easy to feel down even when your doing well, especially when there’s that one extra thing you could strive for. That one relentless want. It’s hard to be calm in a society that is constantly go go go, but we all need some time to breathe. We all need time to let our minds heal. Thank you for reading, let me know your thoughts in the comments below! 

–Till next time!