The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.
Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.
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However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.
The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.
All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.
The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.
So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.
But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.
So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.
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