Watching: Bojack Horseman Season 3

Season 3 of Bojack Horseman was a whirlwind. It has my favorite episode of Bojack so far, a look on some more background of Bojack and the gang, and some of the darkest most intense moments of the series so far. This is the season where I have found that I am completely in love with this show and I can’t wait to talk about why.

First of all, I want to talk about my favorite episode.

Episode 4: Fish out of water

This episode is an art piece. The sound of it. The way that everything is visual. How it’s basically silent storytelling. It’s gorgeous. It’s also one of the happiest episodes of Bojack. As a seahorse gives birth and Bojack ends up taking care of the little one and taking him back to his home.

I loved it so much I even drew my favorite moment:

I made a bit of a mess of the proportions, but I’m still happy with the result. It was a fun thing to draw. This is the happiest I had ever seen Bojack and Bojack has done so many things that have been sketchy in his life, but seeing him happy is the way I wish I could always see him.

A big part of season 3 was showing the past. The time after Bojack was a star on Horsin’ around and when he stared on a new tv series “The BoJack Horseman Show”. A show that was said to be terrible. In these episodes of Bojack Horseman we see younger versions of everyone and get a sense of how they’ve grown and developed to the people they are later on. Mr. peanutbutter in a bad marriage, Princess Caroline not yet an agent and barely developing her on again off again relationship with Bojack, Todd being young and discovering who he is, Diane working in a coffee shop just starting to write on the side. It’s so cool to see that part of these characters I have come to love. Gives each of them an even deeper characterization and all of them feel even more like people.

A big aspect of season 3 is Diane gets pregnant. Diane does not want a child and so she decides to have an abortion and being the social media coordinator for Sextina Aquafina she accidentally tweets about it and Sextina becomes a face of the pro-choice movement. It’s a unique perspective because I feel like Diane learns a lot about herself through this time and what it means to her to be a feminist. She gets confronted by her own biases and understands that the way she had been viewing Sextina was in a way that didn’t value her for who she truly was. It was a fascinating part of season 3 for me.

Another thing that happens is Todd meets up with his old friend Emily and they make a business together. Emily likes Todd, but we find out that Todd is asexual and just having that shown in a show like this was really cool. Todd ends up carrying on the business with Mr. Peanutbutter and it becomes the opposite of what it was meant to be originally and even though for me it turned into something I didn’t care for it ended up being a good thing later on.

A big part of season 3 is Bojack creating a campaign in hopes of being an Oscar winner. He and his friends go into meetings and set up places for him to show to create a new image for him to get picked. A lot of it goes great and a lot of it doesn’t, but that’s sorta how everything always goes for Bojack.

Bojack develops an interesting relationship with his publicist Ana. She thinks she can win him an Oscar for his role in secretariat and it ends up not happening and so she leaves him. This starts the unraveling that later turns into the most heartbreaking series of events in Bojack so far.

After years of Princess Caroline being Bojack’s agent he fires her for good. At that point he had all his hopes in Ana and Caroline had seemingly ruined two new opportunities for him and he felt fed up. It really wasn’t her fault, but it didn’t matter. Thus, began the beginning of the end.

Bojack gets announces as an Oscar nominee and so he throws a party. He gets majorly drunk and when he tries to kill himself by driving his car into his pool. He then gets saved by Mr. Peanutbutter only to be told that his nomination was a mistake. Then, Bojack has a convo with Todd that is the most intensely sad convo I’ve heard in all the series. Where Todd tells him that he’s the problem. The reason he is the way is is because of himself and no one else and it’s both so cruel and so hard-hitting. Bojack then goes on the deep end.

Then we get to the saddest part of the show. After months of sobriety Sabrina goes on a bender with Bojack and it’s terrible and heartbreaking to watch. Showing such darkness and pain in a tv show like this hit me hard. Both of them become lost.

And then as sometimes happens after taking too many drugs Sabrina dies and Bojack realizes her loss was his fault. The body isn’t meant take that much poison. Then the art of it, the way that they portray her death is haunting and beautiful. Yet not at all glorifying the moment in anyway. It felt like a knife in the gut to watch.

At the very end, Bojack tries to kill himself once more and ends up watching a group of wild horses just running and it stops him. Then the season ends on a moment of hope. It’s such a dark season and yet beautiful in its way. The writers and artists create a both real, bleak, and yet hopeful picture of what living life is. It’s glorious. It’s a show well worth applauding.

On the heels of my favorite season so far I’m excited to continue on the series and see what more Bojack has in store for me. I’m now halfway through his journey and so far I’ve loved each and every moment. Can’t wait for what is next.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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Watching Bojack Horseman: Season 2

I have to start off by saying this show is great. As my person would say it has some of the best showing of what it is to have depression on television. Season 2 of Bojack Horseman was fantastic to watch.

This season reached some great highs and some heartbreaking lows. Happiness is an inside job and Bojack struggles to find it and does in spurts, but never for long. That’s how depression goes sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard to change a mindset that you’ve held on to for years.

The very first episode was the hardest for me to watch.

Nothing gets to me like sucky parents and the closest I’ve gotten to crying because of this show has been seeing how awful Bojack’s parents were to him. Made him feel like his existence was inherently wrong and bad and it’s no wonder he’s grown up not truly being able to find happiness, because he’d never found a good way of healing all that pain. He gave himself to alcohol and bad decisions. He’s found great success in life, but still feels like nothing will ever be good enough. It can’t be not when he can’t find the good in himself.

Bojack finally lands his dream role of Secretariat. Yet at first his want to change his attitude makes him not as suitable for the role. All along Bojack had a lot of similarity to Secretariat’s essence even if that really is a sad truth. Yet even when he’d preform at the core of who Secretariat would be, they decided to make a completely different movie, all the grit removed. Hell they didn’t even use a single bit of Bojack’s acting in the final movie, just a cgi version of him.

Yet, somehow this very different movie that has nothing to really do with Secretariat turns out ok. Yet, it says nothing of Bojack or Secretariat and I don’t really know if I’d be ok with that if I were in Bojack’s shoes.

Another huge part of season 2 of bojack is JD Salinger’s show having Mr. Peanutbutter hosting. Bojack becomes a celebrity on the first episode and shit hits the fan. It becomes about humiliating Bojack until Princess Caroline tells Bojack about Mr. Peanutbutter’s tell. That episode is one of my favorites. It gets into so many difficult topics and realities of human reaction. Bojack gets petty and makes some sucky decisions and it is what it is.

Not to mention that Bojack’s girlfriend Wanda is a very important part of season 2. She makes Bojack happy for a while, but with his focus often elsewhere it isn’t enough and his depression wins out. Wanda is a positive being. She lifts Bojack up, but Bojack doesn’t want to be lifted not really. He may have loved her for a while, but in the end he breaks her heart and instead of chasing after her he chases his past and again only finds a temporary kind of happiness.

One of the most interesting things to watch was the dynamic between Bojack and Diane. Diane was supposed to go off to Cordovia for 6 months and she does, but then she realizes that Sebastian St. Clair is full of shit and she really isn’t doing anything to help anyone so she heads home. Yet, instead of going home she stays at Bojack’s house and lies to her husband for months that she’s still in Cordovia. Yet all the while she lays around drinking with Bojack and he lets her stay there.

This of course creates tension between himself and Wanda. Wanda certainly doesn’t want her boyfriend sitting on his ass wasting away with someone he’d had love for, for hours on end. It’s then she realizes she never really knew Bojack and everything between them falls apart.

Yet I have to say my favorite high of the show was for Princess Caroline. She enters a relationship with Rutabaga and they want to have a company together. Since Rutabaga puts the company in her name when things go bad for the two of them when Rutabaga shows he’s playing around and doesn’t truly respect Caroline she gives him the finger and keeps the company for herself. I have mad respect for Caroline. She’s amazing. Love seeing such a strong feminine feline in this show.

On a whole, season 2 was amazing to watch. It had great funny moments. It showed some real friendship. It had some wonderful jokes. Some real lows. A lot of difficult subjects to delve into. It’s a masterpiece. Every single character is three dimensional and real. You care for everyone no matter how flawed. People don’t always chose the “right” thing and this show gets that and isn’t afraid to show things for what they are.

There is so much detail that goes into the art and you can screenshot any point and you could see just how much was going on. It’s so good at showing hard truths. Yet it isn’t a hopeless show. Bojack wants to be better and it shows him working on himself, but finding his inner happiness and strength seems like it may be a long battle.

One of my favorite conversations was him talking to Mr. Peanutbutter:

Mr. Peanutbutter has something that Bojack doesn’t, a feeling of self-worth and the confidence that goes with that. Nothing seems good to Bojack because he hasn’t found that yet. It’s such a powerful conversation in the show. It was incredibly well done.

I’m excited to continue on and watch season three. It’s going to be incredible. Bojack’s journey is a hard one and I want to watch it to the very end.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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Watching Bojack Horseman: Season 1

This show is one of those shows that you watch and it changes you. It’s so real. Hits so hard with what actually happens in real life yet with such absurd imagery that you can’t call watching it any sort of form of escapism. If your watching this show your facing some hard truths. That’s all I can say.

Bojack started his career on a show called Horsin’ Around. One of those adorable family tv series we’ve all grown up watching. After that Bojack lost his way. He hasn’t done much since then and he fills up his emptiness by keeping around him a few people that he cares about.

For one princess caroline his agent. She is his on again off again girlfriend, but most of all she’s always there and does what she can to further his career.

There’s Todd, Bojack’s roommate and closest friend. Bojack tries to keep him a bit codependent which isn’t healthy, but the show really isn’t about showing what a healthy relationship looks like.

Then there is Diane, the girl Bojack loves. She’s in a relationship with a guy he really doesn’t care for Mr. Peanutbutter. Yet, they spend a lot of time together because she becomes the ghostwriter to write about Bojack’s life.

A part of the show is where Bojack is trying to get Mr. Peanutbutter and Diane to break up. Instead his antics end up pushing them further together.

But, the show is about Bojack. The life he’s created for himself and his inner struggle with being a man who isn’t happy and isn’t who he wants to be. He is a portrait of depression. What it does and the actions we take as humans when we are doing are best to take steps away from it. But, also the steps we take under its influence.

One thing I do have to say though is that while living with depression it is all of that. It colors everything in a way that isn’t what it really is. Who Bojack has become because of his depression isn’t all he could be. Yet sometimes, when your stuck and that’s all you see you can’t step away from it enough to acknowledge that. Then the problem perpetuates.

This show is brilliant. Incredibly well styled. Dark in great ways. Yet, it shows that bit of hope that Bojack carries with him. I’m excited to watch the next season and see where the story goes. It is quite the story.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

2019: The Year I Take Back Life for Myself

Before I had said I wasn’t ready for 2019. But, I think a few things have changed that. The first, I saw this little girl at my work yesterday and she was the feistiest happiest little girl I ever saw. She just by being alive and being as happy as could be inspired me. I’ve been wallowing over everything that I can’t change. The guy I fell in love with left me. My dad’s health isn’t doing well and continues to decline. My finical situation sucks. I’m in a job I hate. I’m not writing and I hadn’t felt motivated to do anything sense I lost the one thing that really felt good in a all the chaos.

Yet, yet that little girl she reminded me of something really important. That it’s not life that decides who you are and what you do it’s you. You can choose to shine your light or you can choose to wallow. I’m done wallowing. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life for me again. I want to be what makes me happy. Whatever that brings into my life I want to give my all into.

I may not have the guy that I fell for to dance through life with anymore, but I have myself. I will always have myself. I want to forage love for myself. I want to be mindful of my mental health and achieve great things next year.

So here are my goals for 2019:

  • To write everyday a minimum of 500 words towards one of my WIPs. Writing needs to be more of a priority in general. I have no real excuse about not making my dream a reality. If I create a daily writing habit I can finally take real steps toward eventually publishing a novel one day.
  • To not freak out when things don’t happen the way I think they will. Too often I think that somethings going to turn out a certain way or that someone is going to react one way or another and a lot of the time I’m wrong and things end up worse off then they were before. So, I’m going to be mindful of myself and take time to process a situation before I make a decision. I am also going to just be really open and honest about as much as I can and to not get so upset about things when they go awry. Getting upset doesn’t really help anyone and it certainly doesn’t help me. I’m going to leave more things up to my faith. To try and learn to recognize what things need my input and what things don’t. To give things time to dissipate on their own time and not do so much scrambling to fix things that I can’t fix.
  • To read books I Physically Own. I have many books on my shelves being neglected. Many I’m super excited to read. I just need to get my butt in gear and read them.
  • To not take things too seriously. Yes, there are things in this life that are serious and need to be thought about, however, with my mental health being what it is I need fun in my life. I need to laugh and be happy. I need to dance when I feel like it. I need to make jokes when the moment arises. I need to go out and enjoy what the world has to offer when I need to. I can’t live my life fearing what’s next all the time. Living a life full of sadness and anxiety isn’t living a life at all. And in a lot of ways this means leaving my heart open, not just to love (even if I still have only one guy in my heart, even if I’d love it for him to be back in my life, I can’t force someone to want me in their life, and so I have to accept that he let me go) but to friendships and to people in general.
  • To give Duolingo a second chance. Sometimes I forget my own neediness and desire for knowledge. I love to study things. Anything really. Take me to look at science books in a store and I’ll be interested. Language is one of the things that fascinates me. I need to continue my Spanish practice and do at least two levels of the whole tree and maybe then I can move on to a new language. All I know is daily practice is key!
  • To write a poem every day. This is going to be fun for me, because I’m planning on doing a random poetry prompt generator and putting all my poetry up on wattpad. These poems are probably going to be a bit silly, but the point of it is also to let my brain loosen up a bit. To have fun while writing something.
  • To blog daily. I hate that I often have random hiatuses where none of you know why I stopped posting for a while or what’s going on. I want to commit to blogging and have fun with it. I might have to do a little bit of planning to keep myself on track, but I don’t mind doing so so much. I know I’m capable of it so I’m going to give it a go.
  • To meditate daily. Meditation is one of those little things that has really helped me stay sane. I haven’t been doing it much recently and I need to find my way back to it.
  • To take my mental health seriously. Recently, due to my very terribly timed break up with someone I never wanted to loose my mental health suffered greatly. My eating was weird because there were times where nothing tasted good and It’s caused me to want to throw up. I’ve cried a lot. Even though I’m trying to move forward I still want to cry now. The missing feels like I have a hole where my heart used to be, but at the same time I feel so much love for him there and it’s as if my heart refuses to believe it’s all over. The strangest things remind me of him and as positive as I’m trying to be sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and let the world swallow me whole. It hurts a lot. I feel like I lost something truly beautiful. I feel like I lost something truly right. Because of these feeling I hurt and at the most random of times. I’ll cry alone in the storage room at work or in the shower or just walking anywhere. I need to make it a point to be good to myself and take things slow. Yes, I want to start doing things again. I don’t like to feel like things out of my control have gotten the best of me. I want to move forward with my life and remember that what’s meant to be will happen and nothing can stop it. That whoever I’m meant to be with is out there and if it’s the guy I fell for then he’d be there for me, but if not then someone really awesome is waiting for me and they deserve me at my best. That I deserve to be my best self for me. So I’m going to be kind to myself in 2019. I’m going to get productive, but I’m also going to be good to myself.
  • To maintain my eating/exercise habits. My body already looks better now then it ever did. I weigh less then I did in high school. My sister subscribed to a workout program online called Les Miles. Over the past few weeks I’ve been exercising a whole lot more and it’s been a lot of fun. In 2019, I want to work on my physical health and find strength both physically and mentally.
  • To work on a business project. Hopefully this works out the way I hope it will, because then I’ll have my own little business to keep up and running in 2019! It’s at the basic stages right now, but hopefully I’ll be selling some very special products in the new year!
  • To find and wear clothing that makes me feel good. I don’t talk about it much, but I do appreciate fashion. I don’t wear stuff that I actually like wearing often at all because in my job I have a uniform and everything gets dirty and I end up feeling like a potato at work, but I want to make some opportunities to look nice outside of work for myself. Especially now that I’m really starting to love how my body actually looks.
  • To keep up a daily journal. Sometimes it can feel cathartic to keep up a journal. To remember that you can feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next. Plus, it will be a nice little something to look back on. Who knows what each day will bring?
  • To stretch daily. I’ve always wanted to be flexible, but I give up on it far too often. I want to make it a point to work at least a little towards it everyday. Who knows? Maybe the impossible split isn’t impossible?
  • To choose myself. I have a bad habit of doing things to please other people. To put others needs before my own. Even to let others problems become mine. I’m an empath and even reading a fictional story can leave me balling. I need to start choosing myself. To do what I feel is right for me. To make myself a priority. To listen to myself and do things that make me happy and that are genuinely good for me.
  • To interact with fellow bloggers again. I’ve been dreadfully inactive in this community. I miss reading and commenting on everyone’s blogs. I’m going to make it a point to start commenting again more often in the new year.
  • To reduce my anxiety and depression. Recently, I’ve been really working hard on this part of myself. These feelings internally are hard to ignore. A big thing for me is going to be working on seeing positives in life. To take little pieces of happiness wherever I can find it. To give in to what God and the universe has in store for me and to stop trying to control it.

2019 and the rest of my life is coming weather I’m ready or not. What’s going to happen with life is going to happen no matter what. I can’t forget to enjoy life. I can’t let myself go through life feeling broken. I need to enjoy what I’ve got. To have fun. To be my best self. I have not handled many of the recent events in my life well. I made some poor decisions that I regret. Healing in the new year may take time. I know getting back to myself will take time, but eventually I’ll get there. When I finally do I can’t wait to see what the world has in store for me. 2019 will be a year of hard work, but it will be incredible to see who I become once it is over.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What’s Going On

No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.

First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.

The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.

Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.

In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.

Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.

Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Using Crisis Chat for the First Time

Yesterday, my mental health plummeted. I wasn’t and have never been suicidal so at least I’m still ok in that way, but I was in so much emotional pain that I felt like throwing up and I could barely eat. The only reason I didn’t throw up was because I hate that more then anything and I will avoid it at all costs. Hence the very minimal eating.

My dad is doing very poorly. Currently, my family and I are on our way to emergency and yesterday once I got off work (I don’t know how I managed to work in the mental state I was in) we went to urgent care and then got his chest X-rayed. However, on top of the already mounting health issues my dad now can barely see. Plus, the way he is talking.. it’s been really hard for me to cope.

Last night, and these past few days I’ve just desperately needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling about the craziness that has become my life. To be open about how lost I feel. How broken I feel I’ve become. How that doesn’t feel allowed for me due to my responsibilities. To talk about how I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost my relationship with someone who made me feel happier everyday.

Everything piled up all at once and I don’t quite know how to handle it. Yesterday I watched YouTube video after YouTube video trying desperately to find any happiness I could. To laugh so I would forget where I was and so I wouldn’t cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I need some healing mentally, but I know things seem to only be getting worse and I know that true healing is far away.

Right now, I wanted to talk a little about my conversation. Somehow, I was lucky enough to talk to a counselor who was also a writer! I didn’t find that out till the end, but it was still really cool to talk to someone who also wrote novels, but did something like volunteer to talk to people like me who are under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil.

One thing I noticed was how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who I could tell everything that was going on to. Honestly, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to, but I didn’t really need to. It just felt good to tell someone what was going on and know that they would listen. I’ve increasingly come to the acknowledgement that I need therapy. There is just too much weight on my shoulders and I don’t want to ever be a burden on anyone. Right now, I feel like a burden. That I’m just going through so much that I’m not only emotionally drained, but that I could potential emotionally drain other people.

My situation feels very unfair, but it is what it is and I have to live this life that I’ve been given. I want to be able to make the most of it, but yesterday I was barely functioning. My mom responds to my tendency toward apathy with a cut it out sort of mentality. Which in a way, kind of works-ish. I have too much riding on my existence in terms of my family’s needs from me to have the ability to completely crumble. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go to work at all. I was having a break down and yet I worked anyway, because it’s not my choice, but I don’t have many choices to make. If it was my choice I would have gone to an actual councilor then and there.

The reason I’m writing all this is because mental health is important to me. Sharing the experience of it is important to me. Being able to connect with others who have struggled and continue to struggle everyday is important to me. To be open in saying I’m struggling and hurting to show it’s normal. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Getting help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So please, if your ever struggling, please use a hotline or crisis chat.

Here is the link to the crisis chat.

If you need immediate help please call a crisis hotline. Here is a link to different numbers if need be.

Thank you for reading! Thank you all for being with me on my life’s journey. For caring. Many of you know my life has been up and down and crazy recently. I hope that this helps someone. I will continue to write posts like this one as time goes on. Helping someone with my story is all I hope for. Leave your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Perks of Being A Wallflower: A Review

Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Cover Rating: 8/10 weirdly.. I really love this cover. It’s minimalist in a weird almost awkward way, but that really fits Charlie as a person. This cover just makes a lot of sense to me.

Publisher: MTV Books

Publish Date: February 1999

Number of Pages: 213

Received: Ebook gift from Andrew @Groovyglasses

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

“Read the cult-favorite coming of age story that takes a sometimes heartbreaking, often hysterical, and always honest look at high school in all its glory. Also a major motion picture starring Logan Lerman and Emma Watson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a funny, touching, and haunting modern classic.

The critically acclaimed debut novel from Stephen Chbosky, Perks follows observant “wallflower” Charlie as he charts a course through the strange world between adolescence and adulthood. First dates, family drama, and new friends. Sex, drugs, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Devastating loss, young love, and life on the fringes. Caught between trying to live his life and trying to run from it, Charlie must learn to navigate those wild and poignant roller-coaster days known as growing up.

A #1 New York Times best seller for more than a year, an American Library Association Best Book for Young Adults (2000) and Best Book for Reluctant Readers (2000), and with millions of copies in print, this novel for teen readers (or “wallflowers” of more-advanced age) will make you laugh, cry, and perhaps feel nostalgic for those moments when you, too, tiptoed onto the dance floor of life.”

Opening Sentence:

” Dear Friend,

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have.”

Musings:

First of all, I can’t start this review without saying that this book was incredibly special to me. Not just because it was generally a really amazing book, but because it is the love of my life’s absolute favorite. I always wanted to read this book, but I’m really glad to not have had the opportunity till now, because reading it in the way I did felt really special. Discussing it all with him has been one of my favorite things ever.

What I Loved:

Charlie’s depression matches mine. Charlie isn’t suicidal. He is sad and quiet, but also doing his best to “participate”. Which is what I do. The thought spiraling he gets and the break downs and the pretty often bits of crying are all things I have. However, I’m lucky that I have a pretty good handle on it on my own. I haven’t had a major breakdown in a LONG time, but I used to get them more often then I’d like to admit.

How far the Wallflower description goes. Charlie is a Wallflower. He witnesses and he listens. He is ignored even in the most intense of circumstances. There is no other word that fits who he is as a person. However, I also really loved that it’s about the Perks of being a Wallflower, because it shows all that. The way Charlie thinks about a lot of things is SO beautiful. Even when he did something that frustrated me. Still, I appreciated a lot of how he saw the world.

This book is incredibly quotable. The one-liners and the thoughts were so beautiful that you can’t help, but become attached to certain lines.

“It’s strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

“And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it’s enough. I really do because they’ve made me happy. And I’m only one person.”

“please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And i will always believe the same about you.”

“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”


Honestly, this whole review could be just a post about my favorite Perks quotes. I adored just how beautifully this book was written.

The format. I had no idea that Perks was written in letter format before I started it. I loved how it felt very journalistic yet at the same time like Charlie is speaking to you. It made the story come together in a really different and really nice way.

Patrick. My favorite character by far was Patrick. He wasn’t the poster child of good behavior, but he was always himself. While reading, I worried about him a few times.. even over-reacted a bit. He was just so himself and funny and just an overall great person. I really liked his personality. I loved that a secondary character felt like they had a genuine personality.

Perks discusses the important things. Family, relationships, unhealthy relationships, friendship, mental health, sexual assault, etc. This book covers a lot of really great topics. It discusses the things many don’t want to talk about and it does it in a very careful and thought-provoking way.

Final thoughts:

If you haven’t read ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’ I highly recommend you do so. It is well-worth the read. In a lot of ways it felt validating for me as someone who suffers from depression in the way Charlie does. I think that I would recommend it to everyone I know based off of that fact alone. I hope that everyone gives this beautiful little book a chance.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

The Temptation Not to do Anything at All

See I had a couple of different posts I wanted to or really could have written today, but I have not truly felt like getting myself to write any of them. In fact, all I feel right now is tired and all I want to do is watch I Zombie 🧟‍♀️ and relax until tomorrow comes. This is the temptation that follows me everywhere I go at all times. You don’t have to write anything today. You can do it tomorrow just blissfully think about nothing.

For a long time I thought this was normal. Wanting not to think about nothing. Not wanting to write not just out of fear, but something that feels akin to laziness. The truth is my brain isn’t the normal brain I thought I had. I have depression. I have always had depression and as far as I understand it I probably always will. How surreal is this?

The thing is this is the one thing that I have been afraid to share. It’s so new to me (well the idea that I have depression is) and I can’t help but feel odd about it. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast. I was feeling kind of dejected and to be honest I wasn’t really think of anything at all. My sister told me out of the blue “Tiana I think you have depression.” When the word hit me tears came immediately to my eyes and I hated that I was crying. “You know I said, I want to deny it and I want to say I don’t have depression, but I am already crying.”

I felt like I was a mind in another body. I had always had an interest in mental illness and my short time of hosting a mental health book club reading ya books that talk about mental illness are a test to that. The one thing I kept mentioning in those posts however was that I didn’t have a mental illness. It felt odd to me to actually come to realize that I did.

Ever since I was a little girl I was a crier and yeah I knew at times I was depressed, but I always attributed everything to the things that were happening to me. Moving away, getting yelled at constantly by my grandmother, going through her emotional abuse, losing my one true home, going into financial trouble. With all these things of course I cried.

But when I was crying it wasn’t just about the things that were happening. It was a self-pity and a almost hatred for myself that I could taste. I was always not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. The things that I still tell myself. I denied myself friendships. Through myself into reading and YouTube. And yet still there were times I would go in a rage crying. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all and that’s the worst. I cry and then I get angry at myself for crying and especially in my teens till now it was because I said something wrong to my mom or my sister. During these episodes the one thing that sticks with me is the hollow emptiness in my chest. The hopelessness mixed with pain and sorrow and my mind telling me that I will never be any better of a person then my grandmother was.

But the worst part is, I thought the bitter self awareness and self pity was somehow normal. I thought that my brain was working fine. I thought that in my situation of course I was crying every single night when I was in my first three years of high school. I thought I was normal because I could still laugh, because I was always so engaged in learning and because I have a love for dancing and getting lost in music. I thought it was normal because I was so good at hiding it in plane sight. I knew I was sad, but I also knew that it never stopped me from being happy. It’s when I’m alone or when I say something I thought was ok, but really wasn’t, when I do something wrong and should of known better is when I start my thought spirals. Something as simple as my sister gettin mad at me for not wanting to do the dishes has set it off before.

So when I say that I have the temptation not to do anything at all living inside me I mean that in a sad sense of apathy. It’s so easy for me to be mindless because not only does it chase the dejected thoughts away, but because I get exhausted when I put too much energy into something. Not too long ago I had to stop the habit of sleeping for 10-12 hours every night. In sleep is oblivion no thought no over analyzing and getting angry at myself for not doing things right.

I have depression and I think I have finally truly accepted it.

Suddenly, I am afraid of posting this, but I’m going to anyway. I wrote this because it’s finally stop hiding. Especially hiding from myself. I have spent so long in the dark thinking that there was nothing wrong with me at all. I had thought this way for so long with an almost sadistic thought process towards myself that I had an identity crisis when I was first coming to terms with depression. Because I wanted to know who I would be without it and I ached for a girl who was free of these kinds of thoughts with all of my heart. All I know is that this knowledge gives me something to step forward into the future and that is all I want.

Thanks for reading! Usually I put a I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below, but now I’m at a loss for words. It feels wrong to put something so happy in a post like this but I guess I’ll do it anyway.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I look forward to hearing from you. (Actually I’m kinda terrified but curious about what you have to say)

-Till next time!

Depression and Other Magic Tricks: A Review

Depression and Other Magic Tricks by Sabrina Benaim

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Publisher: Button Poetry

Published: August 22nd, 2017

Received: Netgalley provided an e-arc in exchange for an honest review

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

Depression & Other Magic Tricks is the debut book by Sabrina Benaim, one of the most-viewed performance poets of all time, whose poem “Explaining My Depression to My Mother” has become a cultural phenomenon with over 50 million views. Depression & Other Magic Tricks explores themes of mental health, love, and family. It is a documentation of struggle and triumph, a celebration of daily life and of living. Benaim’s wit, empathy, and gift for language produce a work of endless wonder.

Musings:

I didn’t quite get to the heart and the passion that lives inside this poetry book until I watched Sabrina say aloud many of the poems she keeps in this book in her performances on YouTube. However, the one that really shattered me on the inside due to its beauty and anger was “Explaining my Depression to my Mother”

https://youtu.be/aqu4ezLQEUA

This piece was desperation and bargaining and being fed up and hurt all at once and I wouldn’t have truly gotten that without Sabrina’s voice. Her flare and flavor make her words come to life in a way that they couldn’t have been on their own. It made me wish that I could have watched her perform all the poems in this book, because that’s when her words curl around you and shake you up, that’s when you find how truly beautiful her poetry is.

Sabrina’s poetry is poetry meant to be sung and screamed and belted out into the air. You are meant to find its rhythm and how it’s rhythm syncs with your own. Depression & Other Magic Tricks is brilliantly imagined it’s words coming for the jagged edges of a girls truest form.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have enjoyed this review and will take a chance on reading Depression & Other Magic Tricks! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments. Also, let me know if you have any poetry recommendations! I’m always up for those.

-Till next time!

Beyond The Surface: A Discussion of My Heart and Other Black Holes

The August Book of the month for the Beyond The Surface Book Club was My Heart and Other Black Holes. I truly enjoyed reading this book and I have so many things I wish to say about it.

Synopsis:

Sixteen-year-old physics nerd Aysel is obsessed with plotting her own death. With a mother who can barely look at her without wincing, classmates who whisper behind her back, and a father whose violent crime rocked her small town, Aysel is ready to turn her potential energy into nothingness.

There’s only one problem: she’s not sure she has the courage to do it alone. But once she discovers a website with a section called Suicide Partners, Aysel’s convinced she’s found her solution—Roman, a teenage boy who’s haunted by a family tragedy, is looking for a partner.

Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each other’s broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together.

The Book in General (Spoiler Free):

My Heart and Other Black Holes was a novel that I enjoyed reading with all my heart. There were many ups and downs and it was hard for me to read through it during many points, but as it is I loved the writing, I cared for all of the characters, and all I wanted was good things for all of them. Everyone felt real to me. No one felt flat or without purpose. There was something colorful to remember about everyone. I think that reading a novel like this one is important. I think it is good to remember that there is always something that is happening beneath the surface. This book was definitely that for me, a look into how a situation could affect someone and the journey coming back from that black hole.

(Various Degrees of Spoiler Ahead.. Read with caution)

How it Affected Me Personally:

I say above that this book was hard for me to read and it’s hard to understand until I start to explain that the only real time I wanted to cry while reading this book was because of how much I could relate to Aysel. Her fear of being capable of the things her father was. Her fear of being of the same insane mind as him. The continuous blame she placed on herself and all that self-pity. Aysel is like me because she bottles everything up and she doesn’t tell anyone what’s wrong. The mask she put on, but most of all that wall. It’s hard to go through life always pushing away those who desire to get close. I have done that for years. I try not to, but I can’t help it. Seeing that sort of solidarity with this nerdy fictional character that I wanted to protect was like looking in a mirror and seeing that all I’ve ever wanted was to protect myself and I’ve been doing it wrong all along. Closing yourself off is good for no one. I like to think that I’ve been more open over the years, but that is not exactly true. I’ve gotten better, but not by as much I would like. This book was a reminder of all of this and that nothing will change until I’m willing to want to give more happiness for myself instead of wallowing in my own sorrows. Little bits of happiness at a time are the things to be cherished not the few horrible times that have wounded me.

The Characters:

Aysel is sad, but she is also nerdy and intelligent and even humorous. She is a lover of classical music and is full of wit and more strength then she realizes. There may be some things about her story I want to change, but she is a person that wants good for everyone and her hurt makes me sad and I just want to be there for her.

Our beau Roman is also sad, but for a while I couldn’t see him that way. I saw him as Aysel saw him, athletic, shining, caring, and full of amazing artistic ability. He may not be nerdy, but with his love for his turtle, there is nothing I wouldn’t want more then to protect him as the precious bean he is.

Aysel’s family at times made me happy and at times made me sad, but my favorite of them all was Aysel’s sister Georgia. She is outgoing and maybe a little mean at the beginning, but she had a fierce heart and she cares for her sister a great deal more then her sister is willing to accept. I don’t know if it is a change in Aysel’s perception later that allows me to see just how much Georgia cares for her or not, but I am so glad for her being there.

Aysel’s father, while he may not have a true physical presence in this book is probably one of the most pivotal characters in this novel. His decisions and the kind of father he was to Aysel affected her deeply. No matter his crime she loves him and in many ways Aysel’s fear of that feeling is as much part of her hurt as it is part of what makes her happy and comforted (which means so many things get complicated).

The Nerdyness:

I had to give a little section for my gratefulness to just how nerdy this book was. I loved that physics was what made Aysel feel calm. I love that in so many ways it was a part of how she started to heal. Her thoughts about potential energy and what happens to your energy when you die fascinated me. Something about the nerdyness being so important to Aysel as a character just made me feel warm inside.

The Role of Music:

Music has such an important role in all our lives, yet I don’t think that books utilize song as much as it should be used. In this book, I’m happy that music is a much a comfort to Aysel as it is to me in in my own life. Aysel hums classical music when she is uncomfortable or in the most relaxed of states no matter if she is happy or sad she hums, because music is a blanket to aid all emotion and it is seamlessly woven into her life. It made me happy that it was her father who introduced her to music. That she always did everything she could to find hidden answers in Mozart because her father told her they were there. Aysel’s father may be a criminal, but before he gave her something that is a part of what Aysel happy and I’m all the more glad for it.

Feelings about Their Reasons for Wanting to Die:

Aysel wants to die out of fear of being like her father, but also because she feels she is a nuisance. People look at her with fear, distrust, sometimes even disgust out of disgust for her father or they simply don’t look at her at all. There are more things layering her wanting to die then I think is truly laid out in the book and nothing for her is as straightforward as might believe.

Roman’s reason for dying is because he is the reason his sister died. Left alone to baby sit his sister he brings over his girlfriend at the time and has special relations with her while he let his sister take a bath. His sister (known to have seizures) has a seizure and dies in the tub while he and his girlfriend were just in another room. His reason is definitely straight forward and I can’t say how I would feel in his situation. It’s so tragic that it is hard for me to know how to even approach that sort of situation if it were in real life.

What Scene I Wish it Had:

While near the end Aysel and her mother have a heartfelt conversation about her sadness and why she feels the way she does I really wanted Aysel and Georgia to have that conversation first. I think that for me it would have been such a powerful scene if the two sisters had a heart to heart and Georgia helped Aysel gather courage to talk to their mom. It would have strengthened their bond as sister and it would have made me feel a lot better about Aysel’s quest to heal for the future.

How the Mental Illness was Portrayed:

For my own experience with my own dips into depression I found this book portrayed what it feels like to be so sad very well. However, I have been told that this book could be hurtful in the way that Aysel came out of her depression because of her romance with Roman. However, I think that while there are pieces of that kind of language in the book I wish were changed, A lot of Aysel’s healing was due to herself and her willingness to start accepting little happinesses and speaking with her family (although talking with Roman was probably a big help). I think this is a Matters hat they didn’t just save each other, but more that a mixture of experience, people, and finding some sort of acceptance and hope helped Aysel find a greater will to live.

(SUPER SPOILERS AHEAD… Proceed with Caution… you have been warned)

The Ending:

If you are reading this and haven’t read the book and you even remotely want to read this one in the future please don’t read this last bit of discussion. Knowing the end is not the way to start a book and I fear to post what happens in it here, but what happens begs to be discussed.

You have twice been warned.

In the end of My Heart and Other Black Holes there is the biggest moment of panic and sadness of the entire book. Roman’s solo suicide attempt. For so many reasons this part hurt to read. For the sake of his mother I almost couldn’t handle it. I don’t know if his relationship with Aysel will help him see the good in him later and in my mind I really don’t think it will. I think there are a lot of things that need to happen for the pair to truly heal. Both of them starting to see a therapist being one of the biggest steps of all. I don’t even truly believe that they are both yet saved, but every step forward will be for hope and I’m hoping that their future (together or apart) is very bright.

Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts about My Heart and Other Black Holes down in the comments below!

Sign up for the Beyond The Surface Book club below:

https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/235823-beyond-the-surface

I can’t wait to share Septembers book of the Month pick with you all tomorrow!

-Till next time!