Doing Instead of Fearing

The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.

Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.

Speaking of if you wish to support me and my family while also getting some awesome, delicious smelling candles order at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SistersOfTwilight

However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.

The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.

All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.

The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.

So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.

But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.

So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Good Riddance to 2020

2020 was an awful year. I think all of us can agree on that. It’s also been a particularly strange year. There’s been some questionable things that have happened this year.

I’m happy to say good bye to 2020. I can’t say I’m not terrified of what’s to come. There’s certain things that I know have to come eventually and currently I’m not ready for it. Christmas Day my dad had to be taken to the hospital. He has been battling cancer for a long while now and we learned that the tumor has made his prostate the size of a small watermelon when it’s only supposed to be the size of a walnut. Which causes all kinds of complications in the body.

Also, the doctors never told us if his cancer has spread or not. Or if his bleeding was solely because his prostate is so large. Also, the fear of my mom taking my dad to the emergency room as Covid is out of control was some of the most terrifying anxiety I’ve ever experienced. The good news is he is home now and they are going to figure out if he is viable for surgery or not.

Fear. Fear for me is what drove 2020. Fear and hope and just doing my best to be happy and somehow having those wonderful happy moments I’ll cherish forever within this year.

This year has been exhausting and yet I’ve looked forward to each day because yes the world is terrible right now, but I can’t let myself seek in too despair constantly because what’s the point otherwise? I take comfort in the things I can do. The moments I can enjoy. Because those moments are what make life worth living.

This year I found a wonderful person I love and friends that have been amazing. People who have all made me laugh and feel a little lighter. People I’m proud to have by my side.

Covid has changed the world. Both slowed down and accelerated my life. Made me terrified and yet made me want to love those around me harder.

It’s a terrible year and yet it’s changed my life in good ways too. I have memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my life from this year. Yet, moments that will forever be remembered by the anxiety and fear I felt while living them.

2020 has brought out a lot of the worst in many people. A lot of a ‘who cares’ attitude that puts families like mine at risk. That fear will carry into 2020, because the pandemic isn’t over and I know it won’t be for a long while.

I’m happy to have the people in my life I have in my corner. Together, we’ve survived 2020. That in and of itself is enough of an accomplishment.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

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I’m not Ready for 2019

As many of you know, 2018 was a year that will be remembered as when my life set on fire. I don’t really have words for the odd twists and turns this year took for me. For how lost I’ve felt I’ve become. The mistakes I made just wishing that I could accept a little piece of happiness in my life.

However, life tumbles on and I’m not ready to tackle next year. I have so many fears. Many of them about my dad. Many of them about the same finical situation I’ve had since the year began. Many of them due to feeling stuck to wake up to the same thing to go to the same job I don’t like and never going out and experiencing little things that give me a sense of enjoyment. I’m afraid of 2019.

I’m afraid of 2019 being the same as 2018 and I’m afraid more so that it will be worse. All this fear in me makes it hard for me to do the things I want to do. It makes it hard for me to write. Makes it hard for me to read. Makes it hard for me to have a feeling of hope. Makes it hard for me to dare to dream.

But the thing about all this is, I have the cards I’ve been felt and they are not going to go away. They aren’t going to change. I’ve lost what I’ve lost. What’s around the corner is coming for me weather I like it or not. I can’t hide from it.

So in 2019, much like every other year, I’m going to try to get a semblance of normal. I’m going to try and heal from 2018’s wounds. I’m going to write like the world is at its end if I don’t. I’m going to do all that I’m going to not close myself off to others. I’m going to let my heart remain open. Open to friendships, open to my family, and open to love. To what may or may not happen.

I can’t stop time from moving on. I can’t stop what’s around the corner for me. But I can try to lessen my fear. I can try to heal. I can try to move forward. Who knows maybe 2019 will be a great year? All of it is yet unwritten.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What Halloween Means to Me

Halloween is a time where children especially enjoy dressing up and getting ready to go grab themselves as much candy as they can. However.. as simple as that is. There is something more to Halloween then that. Especially to me.

Halloween is a time where everything that you are or want to be can come out to play. It’s where your fears come to the forefront and everything that makes your gut twist takes center stage. It makes your darkest fantasies come to mind and play out in front of you in the shadows. That monster under your bed feels very real during this one month.. or day for those of you who don’t engage in halloween festivities in the month leading up to it.

It’s a time when me and my sister feel the closest. We both love Halloween equally as much. It’s our lifeblood. All year we watch horror movies in the house. Yet, this one month we make it a point to watch as many as we can together. Way back when my tiptoe into horror was watching paranormal investigation with my sister. Then slowly I let myself sit down and watch.. really watch.. horror movies. As time went on I learned something about my fear and now I don’t feel it. Not like before. I crave horror movies now. I adore watching people play scary games (especially with a story). I have a blast listening to halloween music. Halloween is something that really brings out my happiness.

You know what else is cool about Halloween? Because anyone can be anything it is a time where EVERYONE is accepted. Anyone can dress up. Anyone can be who they want to be. It’s all in good fun. We acknowledge that we are all human beings living afraid on Halloween. We embrace our fears. Raise a glass to them. Thank them for keeping us alive. From keeping us living from doing something too stupid. Hoping that we aren’t touched by what fears us, but knowing we will be during this time, because that’s the point.

During this one time of the year I embrace the dark. I consider it even. What makes it real. What makes us afraid of it. Then I realize humans are the real monsters and in my mind I take a dance with my own fearful imaginings. Who, but us, celebrates all that is death, decay, bloody, and awful for a whole month? Not any creatures that I can name. It’s just us. Yet, it’s glorious.. because illusion and beauty and pain and fantasy all come out to play. We pay to experience horror and be fooled by people just like us scaring in suits and behind masks. We are good at it too both actor and participant. Because the actor becomes what we fear something otherworldly and dark. Yet we decide for just a little while to suspend our disbelief and wonder.. what if our nightmares came to life?

That is what Halloween means to me. It Letting go and setting your demons free. Embracing your humanity. Embracing the one thing that binds us all.. death.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Shake

Let me take all of your inhibitions and shake them around till they chip into fine dust and blend with your fears, your happiness, your memories, and get lost till you can’t find them anymore. Let me absolve you of the pain, the guilt, the tension, the worry. The stuff I want to reach inside and and tear away. The stuff that makes you think your undeserving of love. Let me shake you up and when you don’t know what’s up or down I’d stop and I’d turn you and you’d see the man that I’d see because finally the puzzle would fit and you’d be whole.. not because of me, but because of you. The chains you’d tied into every bit of proof that you were worth nothing.. chained into rocks on the floor.. chained to the walls of your house, chained to the center of the earth.. I will cut away.. cut and cut and heat and pry away until you were free. I wouldn’t let you sleep afraid.. I wouldn’t let you sleep angry, upset, or lonely. Should your eyes close and the guilt eat up and try to hold you in your nightmares I’d wake you gently. A gentle shake for you to remember where you were. Let me jump and dance my feet over the things that fill you with fear till there is nothing left because the gravity and the vibration and the weight of me destroying the weight of your searching thoughts. Let me shake you. Let me shake you.

Thanks for reading! It’s been a long time since I’ve shared a piece of poetry with all of you. All this time I’ve been writing it everyday and yet it took me till now to share one. I used to try and share one once a week. I missed it. I hope you all enjoyed this and I would love to hear your thoughts!

-Till next time!

Let’s Talk: Life Stuff

I don’t know what this post is or where it is going, but I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

The majority of my life I hid everything that ever bothered me in a little ball inside myself. Over the years that ball grew and every thing that bothered me was added to that ball. At the beginning of this year that ball became a planet. I stopped and restarted posting again and again and I felt inside that I had no hope.

I felt like I was stuck. Stuck in an apartment building in an area that I don’t feel safe in. Stuck having to work a job I don’t like. Stuck alone, because I systematically let go of every friend I had (except for one). Even speaking to that friend made me feel small and hopeless, because he always told me to strive for more (which should have and was a good thing). To tell him that all life was dealing me was less and less made everything feel like failure. I have always appreciated his belief in me, but it was always a double edged sword. Sometimes, I just want to pretend everything is fine just to escape the eventual argument I know was never far behind.

For a long time, I felt like I was drifting with nothing to keep me steady. Everyone in my family had their own hurts and when everyone is suffering the same thing in different ways it’s hard to remember that we should be able to comfort each other instead being stuck in our own minds. It also didn’t help that I can’t help but be honest when I’m hurting and not only was I hurting, but I was angry. Angry at my situation. Angry that it felt like there was nothing I could do. Angry that I could not find a way to be happy with myself. Nothing good came from that anger.

Online, I always made sure to share positivity. I present as much of the best parts of myself as I can and at a certain point that got exhausting, but the community made it so I always came back. I don’t like to always talk about the things that have been hard for me. It makes me feel like I’m being dramatic and somehow ungrateful. My life isn’t so bad. I know many who have it much worse, but with new tornado after new tornado hitting almost daily I felt like crumbling. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to take on the reality that I was facing, but I held on to the facts. I had a roof over my head, a family who loved me, a job, and many many books.

I guess what I really wanted to say was that that something in me that was fed up with moping.. that something in me that needed to prove that I could make it.. I am so grateful for it. It pushed me forward to try again and again and again until I got to a few weeks ago.. where one friend became several.

One after another sprinkles of love fell into my life. Even as I realize that no it isn’t a cure all, but it makes taking steps forward every single day a million times easier. I am not alone. My situation is not hopeless. I have authors, buddies to read with, a girl whose prayers I feel in my heart, and a guy, a great guy who is honest, kind, and generous in ways that I have never known from anyone else.

In these past few weeks I have found some peace. I still falter. I am still afraid, but I know now that the future is brighter than ever. I have so many things to look forward to. I have my family. I have dreams. I have plans to make those dreams a reality. These moments will make me stronger. For once in a very long time I can honestly say that I am happy. I have so many people to thank for that.

I have these cards I’ve been given and all of them are neither good nor bad. I just need to use them. Instead of giving in and letting events roll over me. I need to roll with them and keep getting back up when I’m knocked down. I need to believe in myself as much as others have believed in me.

I will get back on track with my life. Fear, anger, sadness… I can’t help the feelings starting up, but I can try to control my action and reaction when they occur. I can choose to make each moment better than the last. I will choose to be better.

Thanks for reading! I had a review I was supposed to write today, but I had to get all this off my chest. I will continue to try to make things light, but when stuff like this gets lodged up I won’t be afraid to let it be free. I need that ball in my chest to be lessened. Till I can say that it no longer is something that could consume me.

As always, let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Let’s Talk: A Genre I Am Afraid Of

I like to think of myself as a genre mafioso if you will. I’m willing to read anything and I have loved a book from most every genre. I have loved Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Contemporary, Romance, Auto-Biographies, Non-Fiction, Historical fiction, Literary fiction, Poetry, Paranormal, Horror, Graphic novels, Mystery (thank you Agatha Christie) Manga, and  many other genres I am not thinking of at the moment, but the one big genre I seem to be missing to this list is this one: The Thriller. 

I’m just gonna go right out there and say it: I’m scared of Thrillers. They intimidate the heck out of me. The only thriller I own is Sharp Objects and I haven’t even read it yet. As a whole I don’t even know where to begin with it. I peak out at thrillers through the bushes and wonder “Hey, could you possibly be for me?” It’s crazy because I love reading quite a few blogs who almost exclusively read and review thrillers and I stand in some sort of corner browsing and curious, but still in so many ways afraid…. and I have no idea why. 

There are so many thrillers out there that have interested me in the idea of them, but when I go to pick them up I put them back down and say maybe next time. I even have some thrillers on my tbr that I’m super interested in reading, but there is something insane in my head that is keeping me from taking the plunge and letting myself enjoy the genre for what it is. 

It’s also crazy because there are elements of thrillers that in theory should make it irresistible: 

The psychological elements: 

The mind is fascinating to me. Learning and reading about the minds darker parts reels me in. 

The twisted nature: 

(Why I love horror) To see how things can be warped and twisted to be something different from what it was but more grotesque and evil then it was before is fascinating to me. In some part of myself that’s an element that draws me more then any other. 

The Crime: 

I love crime TV. Bones, CSI, BlindSpot, Psych, even stuff like 24 and Prison Break (which are not really crime crime shows, but they are full of action and well crime so I’m including them) Their is something about the forensics and getting into the mind of a killer that is intriguing to me. 

But then this is where I finally find my why. Movie thrillers and Tv Shows are so much fun to watch. They are fast-paced and entertaining and visually I’m always intrigued. However, I always wonder how that face-paced and live-action feel would be translated into written format in an entertaining way. (This is stupid logic I know, all I have to do is look at all the fast-based fantasies I own on my shelves to be proven wrong) 

So here is my plead for you. If you have read a thriller that you have really enjoyed and feel like it would be a good read for me give me a recommendation. (BTW I’m a HUGE fan of cool premises, so if it’s a bit quirky or weird or you just find the premise to be really cool I’d love to hear about it) Help me get over my fear of thrillers! My fear doesn’t even make sense to me and I need some great books to knock some sense into my head. 

Thank you for reading!

–Till next time!

Dark Abode

Dark Abode 
A place I visit in my dreams

Dark and frightening as it may be

Haunts me, yet calls to me 

beaconing for me to walk up its desolate path 
A home of the forgotten 

A place for the weak 

Where demons roam freely 

They call to me 
I try to run away 

But the seduction is sweet 

A curiosity that burns

To know more of its ways
I walk deeper In the woods

The path abandoned 

It swallows me whole 

I’m trapped forever 
I run to find an exit 

Till no light can be found 

I curl into a ball to sleep 

On the steps of the dark abode

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the creepiness of this poem. Something about darkness has always intrigued me and I felt like writing something that encapsulated that connection I feel with darker works. Let me know your thoughts in the comments! Next month is National Poetry Writing Month as well as Camp Nanowrimo and I can’t help but feel like writing a lot more poetry. Even before the month begins. 

-Till next time! 

The Resistance United in Love: A Review

The Resistance United in Love By Many Authors 

My Rating: 5 stars!

Publisher: Amalie Silver 

Published: February 20th, 2017

Received: Netgalley provided an e-copy in exchange for an honest review.

Purchase: Amazon

We the people

Will not be silenced

Our voices are important.
We the people 

Will not be pushed aside

We will be seen

Our numbers are more than you know.
We the people

Will make a difference 

We will hold the government accountable 

Our empathy is not a weakness.
In these turbulent times we the people will stand together in the face of hate knowing we are all equal, and every life matters.

We the people are The Resistance, United in Love
Authors coming together to write a collection of poems and essays that reflect our views on what has happened and our hopes for the future.
This work is not affiliated with any political party. 
100% of the proceeds will be donated to the ACLU 
The Resistance and its authors are independent entities and not affiliated with the ACLU or any political party. 

Musings: 

I read this book in a couple hour long single sitting. This book was too necessary and too pertinent to ignore. I could not stop myself once I began and it was for very good reason. 

The essays and poems in this collection took every argument I ever had against the current POTUS and condensed it all into a beautiful neat little book. The authors that contributed to this story outlined my fears, tugged at my heartstrings, and raised me up in my hopes. For the sake of equality, our rights as a human being, and for the plea for compassion, I beg of you please read this book. 

There were stories that broke me. Poems that gave me chills. People that came together in order to speak out about the wrongdoings that have prevailed in our country since November 9th, and let’s all face it for years and years prior when we immagrated to America and tortured and killed Native Americans to stake claim on a land that was never meant to be ours. 

America is a country built by the hands of imagrants. That is a fact that I feel many purposely forget. Our country needs to remember its roots and to think about why it is not something we should ever want to go back to. Our culture was built across the heated backs of slaves. Our children born by mothers that had no say. Our rights fought for by suffragists and civil rights groups that knew that what was happening every single day was not ok and must be fought against. 

When our President says Make America Great Again, I ask when was America truly great. What point in our history should we go back to? I cannot stand back and see our world crumble back to a time where any human could be physically attacked just for there color of skin. I cannot stand down when our country reverts back to a time where people died because they were different from ourselves and that made us afraid. I cannot let this go and so I implore you to take a look at this book and read its words and think to yourself weather or not you truly believe that the man that is standing in our highest office today, is truly the type of man we want running our country. 

Will you stand down or will you rise up and resist?
A huge thank you to the writers of The Resistance United in Love: Danielle Allen, Dylan Allen, JC Andrijeski, Megan Benjamin Evans, Elizabeth Burgess, Deborah Cunningham Burst, Emme Burton, M.C. Cerny, Selene Chardou, S. Simone Chavous, T. Thorn Coyle, Sarah M. Cradit, Ella Dominguez, Nicole Falls, John Gregory Hancock, Bayli Lane, Robin Lee, Olivia Linden, Grant Miller, Harper Miller, Morgan Jane Mitchell, C. Ricketts, Katherine Rhodes, Kimberly Rose, Amalie Silver, M. Stratton, Leslie Claire Walker, and Zoe York.

Your words give me hope. 

Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review. This post definitely became well more intense than I previously intended for it to be, but with the accusation against Obama wiretapping the orange’s Oval Office this morning has made me a bit livid. No matter who you are or what you believe I ask you to read this book. We must not forget who we are as a country and I do not want to live in a place that is moving so far backwards so quickly. Thank you again and let me know your thoughts in the comments. Even if you disagree I want to hear about it, I’m always curious as to why, but I do not want to see any hate. You won’t get any from me and so I expect the same Courtesy and respect from you. 

-Till next time!

My Anthem

This nation needs to band together 

Hand and hand 

Skin to skin 

There is no difference in our hearts 

Just taught hatred 

And hundreds of years of false memories 

Our anger has created our pain 

We must mold that anger 

Turn it to love 

We must change our hearts 

To see that those before us 

Are here with us trying to be 

There is no reason for envy

No reason for bitterness 

No reason to raise your hands against another 

There is no race 

This is no orientation 

Nothing in death 

We have created this filters in living 

Built our brains to see our difference 

I am white so black must be wrong 

No, that is wrong 

I was born in the world to see that because I am human, I can appreciate all color 

Because color is beautiful 

Our hearts are beautiful 

Let us not wallow in our pains 

This world was not built to be against us 

I choose to put my heart with yours 

Because I know this world is not meant for this self-destruction 

Our history is one of war

Our present is one of both hardship, suffering, and an artists hope

Don’t let our future be in ashes 

This is my soul before you 

My true passion 

And my dream 

Will your soul your beating heart beat with mine 

Or will you remain silent or choose to be blind in anger 

We can make our lives better 

This is not the time for silence 

Sing out and sing proud together in harmony 

Because as the grating sound of clashing voices is ugly and painful 

Our voices flowing together can make this world beautiful 

/ Thank you for reading, I hope you take these words to heart. I had another post planned for today, but I was once again reminded that there is something greater that needed to be said. My poetry is my medium to raise my voice. I would hope that you do what you can to raise yours too. Whatever you care about, whatever your passions, please speak out. Let our hearts beat together. Praise be and stay beautiful, inside and out. 

-Till next time