I Need Some Positivity

Today has been a particularly rough day today. I don’t really care to discuss it, but I’d love if you guys could share either a positive story or video you like or links to some cute animal pics I’d very much appreciate.

If you don’t mind let me know and I’ll put a post together of all the messages, videos, stories, and pictures as a pick me up post for anyone who needs it.

That’s all I got for today. I’m pretty exhausted.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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Reclaiming Authenticity: What this Year has been About for me so Far

It’s only been four months into 2020 and so much in my life has changed. Things I thought were real turned out to be lies. I’ve found myself growing more friendships then I have in my entire life. Found someone really special that I care about very much. Learned so much about myself and healed so much that I didn’t realize was still hurting me.

Then, this weekend Y’all West happened and I realized just how much I’ve missed books. I hadn’t felt that passion for books and the community and reading and writing in ages. I felt freed once more. Last year was one where I was in deep pain and I felt like nothing mattered at all and I was desperate to just take care of myself. Now, now I feel like I’m ready to move forward again. To be myself again to the full extent that I was always meant to.

It’s been so crazy because I’ve had to face my fears so head on with all that’s come to pass with Quarantine and my dad being at risk with his cancer and just that fear when I went to the store no longer having a car only able to carry what we had in our hands and seeing almost nothing we could use for food on the shelves. I panic messaged my partner in crime and he helped me stay sane in the face of such insanity.

I’ve realized that this year has been all about reclaiming the heart of who I am again. Realizing that I am capable and that I can deal with the difficulties and not make them define who I am. That I can let things go and find ways to be authentic to who I am and my wants and not feel guilty for wanting them.

I couldn’t read or write for so long cause it was such a deep reminder of pain and I couldn’t deal with it. The end of last year I reclaimed my happiness. Now it’s time to reclaim my passion and my authenticity. I know myself very well. Taking a year of just thinking and wondering and you end up learning more about yourself then you ever knew.

My day to day path forward is now so clear to me. I feel so much better and so much more capable then I’ve ever felt. I feel like I can be myself. That I can do what I need to to be happy. To tell stories again. My heart is literally soaring right now. I feel so amazed to be here. I’m just happy to be alive.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Focus

My life is not the same as it once was, but neither is it the same for anyone else during these times. I had a lapse from myself yesterday and the night before and I’m still learning. I’m still learning to focus on what actually is important.

Right now, there really isn’t anything going on that I can’t handle. There isn’t anything that I haven’t already learned how to deal with and sometimes a lapse in judgement is ok.

My life is going pretty good honestly, all things considered. That’s what I’m going to focus on. All the things that are going well. I have so much to look forward to. So much to enjoy about life in this moment.

I have everything I need to create a life I can be proud to say that I have lived. I have everything I need to do something wonderful with my life. So that’s what I’m going to focus on. Being my best self and creating a life I can be proud of.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

A Christmas Gift

That Christmas teddy bear

Underneath the tree

A special soft something

That Santa left for me

When the world felt cold and broken

I’d hug that teddy bear

Feel that soft sweet something

That made everything feel fair

A kindness from the red suit

The white bearded Santa Claus

A simple brown little teddy

Gave me a hope that it all would end

Mommy would say she loved me

Behind a genuine smile

And my dad would be there to kiss me

And sing me a lullaby

Ohh Santa I am so grateful

For the gift you gave to me

To see past the truth I’m seeing

To hope for new reality

At night I’ll sing a Noelle carol

And hold my teddy tight

And tomorrow will be better

By the end of my lullaby

A note: As a child, I always had stuffed animals. I never slept without them. I never thought about anything bad while holding one and they helped me to feel safe. I know that this poem is sad, but it is in essence a hopeful one. Those bad situations come to an end and there is always hope for bright spots in the future. Christmas to me is about hope and from that this poem was born.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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Till next time!

“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

Captain America: The First Avenger: A Discussion

One of the strongest films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Captain America’s origin film. I don’t say this lightly. Like Iron man 2 this film brought out some tears in me and it’s a shining example of a character that has a really good and unique backstory.

First off, Captain America is first and foremost Steve Rodgers. Someone who started off as a man who longed to be a part of the military, but was rejected again and again for his lack of physique.

But, even more amazing is that once he is transformed from his once much thinner body it does nothing to his ego. He remains humble. But, even when he was thin he had this confidence and drive that was so awesome to see. He was bullied and picked on, but he remained upright and strong and that’s something to admire. But, even more then for his size he was picked on because he never let injustice pass him by. I love that a lot of the film shows Rodgers before his transformation because it gives the world a hero that wasn’t always super. He gives us a hero that shows that determination and passion are more then enough for you to become whoever you wish to be.

Then there’s the part that kills me, his budding relationship with Peggy. On there first meeting Rogers gets to see Peggy as she truly is a woman not to be trifled with. She punches a man who goes out of line and shows whose boss and the respect he has for his is instant. It’s one of the coolest female introductions ever. Especially, because she isn’t technically one of the superheroes. You don’t need powers and a fancy suit to be a badass.

Also, seeing Rogers at the boot camp is one of my favorite things. He’s obviously smaller then all the others. Not as physically fit, but he keeps pushing and pushing and he shows an ingenuity and selflessness that gets noticed and ultimately that’s what made him the perfect man to become Captain America. Plus that moment when he gets that flag and gets to ride in the car was badass. Sometimes working smarter and not harder is your biggest weapon.

Another great scene is on his way to get his procedure done. Naming all the places he’d gotten beaten up in to Peggy, but also talking to her. And then they talk about dancing and waiting for the right partner. Something about that scene melted my heart and later on it hold so much more meaning.

Then there is the overall feel of the film. The older WWII setting that gives it it’s own flare that is all its own. Even the villain, The Red Skull, has that classic villain vibe of the time. But, I feel like this film is less about the villain and his desires and more about Rodgers coming into his own and becoming the man externally that he always was internally.

What I also found exciting about the film was that it has one of my all time favorite actors Tommy Lee Jones who plays Chester Phillips.

As always Tommy plays his part perfectly. He is cynical as ever. As hard as ever. Yet, he had his signature little sprinkle of humor that has always put a smile on my face. I love that man.

On another note, I kinda love that Captain America’s original outfit looks a bit ridiculous, but also fits the time. Especially the costume one.

Rodgers is amazing in every way, but man does that outfit not do him justice. In a way it just endears me to him more. So really I’m not mad about it.

But, what I really like about this movie is the details. Like how Rodgers is casually amazing at drawing:

Or how Tony Stark’s father Howard Stark was the one who transformed Rogers:

They did an amazing job with the subtle details of the film and I love it!

But again, it’s the events that take place at the very end when Rogers gets essentially chyrogenically frozen never getting that dance with the woman he’d began to feel so much love for. This moment is the lesson that both healed and hurt me as a person the most. When you have someone you love romantically or otherwise don’t waste a moment of yours or their time letting them think that you don’t love them. It might feel dramatic, but you truly don’t know how long you or they have on this earth or what other factors you are unaware of that may separate you. It pained me because when Captain wakes up and realizes he’s way in the future and the one he loves was lost to him forever it affects him deeply and everyday he has to face that he’ll never get that time back. I felt that emotion deeply and I still do. I’ll never make the mistake of letting any of the people in my life that I care for not know that they are cared for even for a moment again.

Thanks for reading! This post is dedicated to someone I deeply care about. If you are reading this, you know who you are. Happy Birthday! I wish there was more then this that I could have done.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

I’m not Ready for 2019

As many of you know, 2018 was a year that will be remembered as when my life set on fire. I don’t really have words for the odd twists and turns this year took for me. For how lost I’ve felt I’ve become. The mistakes I made just wishing that I could accept a little piece of happiness in my life.

However, life tumbles on and I’m not ready to tackle next year. I have so many fears. Many of them about my dad. Many of them about the same finical situation I’ve had since the year began. Many of them due to feeling stuck to wake up to the same thing to go to the same job I don’t like and never going out and experiencing little things that give me a sense of enjoyment. I’m afraid of 2019.

I’m afraid of 2019 being the same as 2018 and I’m afraid more so that it will be worse. All this fear in me makes it hard for me to do the things I want to do. It makes it hard for me to write. Makes it hard for me to read. Makes it hard for me to have a feeling of hope. Makes it hard for me to dare to dream.

But the thing about all this is, I have the cards I’ve been felt and they are not going to go away. They aren’t going to change. I’ve lost what I’ve lost. What’s around the corner is coming for me weather I like it or not. I can’t hide from it.

So in 2019, much like every other year, I’m going to try to get a semblance of normal. I’m going to try and heal from 2018’s wounds. I’m going to write like the world is at its end if I don’t. I’m going to do all that I’m going to not close myself off to others. I’m going to let my heart remain open. Open to friendships, open to my family, and open to love. To what may or may not happen.

I can’t stop time from moving on. I can’t stop what’s around the corner for me. But I can try to lessen my fear. I can try to heal. I can try to move forward. Who knows maybe 2019 will be a great year? All of it is yet unwritten.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!