This year has been a lot and it’s not even over yet, but I am so ready to let this year go and see what 2019 has to bring me. However, that’s more for a later post.
Now I want to talk about this crazy, weirdly not as bad as I previously thought, yet also kinda terrible year. To be honest, the beginning of the year was a blur. I don’t remember much. I was probably frustrated due to finical struggles that continue on to today. The one bright spot was getting a car after a stint of not having one due to awful circumstances that live in 2017.
I remember being frustrated with the same job I still have that has been an ongoing thing this year. I remember applying to a lot of different other jobs that didn’t take. I remember being frustrated with being stagnant in my life and feeling like I was never going to really make anything of myself.
I remember making many many pledges to myself this year and the pride I felt when I kept some of those pledges. One being to do something about my weight because it bothered me and I felt ugly in clothing and so I made it a point to do something about it and it worked. I lost over 14 pounds this year and I’m still losing weight. I remember focusing on my mental health and trying to get back into writing and finishing a draft of a novel for the first time.
On the heel of all that, things that meld together because everyday I made it a point to get up early and make that day a new chance to do what I wanted to do (something I need to bring back into my life), I had a very weird and beautiful period that brought some great people into my life and all of a sudden I found myself in love. That love story was crazy and beautiful and full of hope. The relationship lasted for two months. I knew the guy for three. I am still at a loss for words about it all. I still love this person very much. Regardless, of anything that’s been said to me about it. Regardless, of being terribly confused because I feel like for the first time I don’t understand the why of something because I don’t have the full story. Regardless of the fact that this person left my life in such a way that it’s like he poofed himself out of existence. I still deeply care for love and hope happiness for this person. I wish for all his dreams whatever they may be to come true.
However, the loss and the whole crazy beautiful unbelievable story of it has literally changed my life in so many ways. One, I didn’t ever realize how true it is that break-ups are the worst thing mentally ever. The amount of tears and confusion and physical pain I have felt due to his loss is a bit of insanity. I have never felt so out of myself then I have in this experience. Especially because the truth of the matter is this guy felt like the one. Call me crazy stupid whatever, but that’s how I felt. We got along incredibly well. We understood each other. Something about the thought of him just existing and being the amazing guy I believed in made me feel stable. I don’t know, but I was happier then I had been in years and I was discovering new music with him and I was opening myself up to his world and it felt like he was opening himself up to mine.
All I know is for the rest of my life I will always have this guy in my heart. I will always feel a sense of love for him. Because even if I don’t know the whole story or why we couldn’t be together when everything seemed to be so good and changed so rapidly, I will always know that the love was real. That the guy I was getting to know was as authentic with me as he could be. That I will forever be a better person for knowing him. Whatever happens in the future. Should I meet someone that somehow makes me feel something greater then what he made me feel I will always have a piece of his heart with my own. Even though somewhere deep down I get the feeling that his presence in my life isn’t over and I can’t shake it.
But, to clarify something, I don’t think I handled being in a relationship as well as I could have. There are things that I look back on and think that I should have done things differently. One of those things was how much anxiety I was allowing to build up in myself. I worried a lot more then I should have. I miscalculated a lot of things. I thought my family would be cool with it when they weren’t for reasons I didn’t agree with. I tried to figure out ways to somehow get things to work when a lot of it was out of my control. I also didn’t let him introduce himself the way he wanted to and I shouldn’t have done that. I made a lot of mistakes on my part. However, he was the first thing I choose for myself and though I wish things had turned out differently it I learned a lot of life lessons.
One thing I learned is that I convinced myself that I needed him and maybe in some ways that was true, but the truth is more that I wanted him in my life very badly and I could not imagine for the life of me a more beautiful future for myself then the one with him in it. That even if loosing him wasn’t what I wanted I could move forward in my life without him in it. That I would be ok. Right now, I’m more ok then I was. I think I will always miss him. He is a big part of the reason why I’m trying so hard to stay positive. He taught me that no matter how bleak a situation may look there is always something good in life to enjoy. There will always be weird random things in this world that remind me of him like the time I cried at Walmart just cause I saw some Alfredo sauce and remembered him saying once that he would make pasta with his sister. Or when listening to any Michael Buble song ever. Or every-time my sister puts on the Karate kid and my soul dies a little because I swear I’ve never met a guy who loved that movie as much as he did and I live in a house where that movie gets played a billion times over. This guy even instilled in me a love of heavy metal I never thought I would have. I don’t understand it but somehow so many of those songs bring me peace. Damn it if the sound of guitar played a certain way even in a song I had never heard before brings a tear in my eyes. Losing this guy affected me incredibly deeply. Yet, I’m surprised at how short and small any anger I had was. It’s all just been deep sadness and a deep sense of loss. For a while I couldn’t (sometimes still can’t) eat quite right because things weren’t tasting quite right and I felt like throwing up. I never thought I’d feel that way. Not over a guy. Yet here I am.
Maybe it was partially that it was a perfect storm of sucky things. My dad ending up in the hospital again the day after I realized I’d been ghosted. Finding out my dad had four mini strokes. The many not fun discussions I’d have with my mom because of said guy. Other frustration with myself for feeling like I’d overreacted about everything and that maybe that was why things happened the way they did. Also realizing that my mental health was essentially garbage and I needed time to process everything before I even could have a chance of healing.
So here I am now. After another decent break from blogging due to the chaos a day before my 20th birthday and somehow finding that things aren’t so bad. My dad is doing ok. He’s the same as he has been. I have some plans to take on 2019. I’m no longer in my wallowing stage of my grief. I’m willing to take on whatever it is that life is going to throw at me next.
I will not live in my past. I will not let apathy settle in my heart. 2018 was what it was. A lot of it sucked a lot of it was beautiful and a lot of it was positive too. I know that one day everything is going to turn out alright and everything that has happened will make a lot more sense. All that being said, I wish farewell to 2018 it’s not quite reached its end, but believe me I will be breathing a sigh of relief once it’s over.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!
The Book Raven 