Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.
I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.
The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.
Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.
So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.
So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.
So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.
Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!
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