Using Crisis Chat for the First Time

Yesterday, my mental health plummeted. I wasn’t and have never been suicidal so at least I’m still ok in that way, but I was in so much emotional pain that I felt like throwing up and I could barely eat. The only reason I didn’t throw up was because I hate that more then anything and I will avoid it at all costs. Hence the very minimal eating.

My dad is doing very poorly. Currently, my family and I are on our way to emergency and yesterday once I got off work (I don’t know how I managed to work in the mental state I was in) we went to urgent care and then got his chest X-rayed. However, on top of the already mounting health issues my dad now can barely see. Plus, the way he is talking.. it’s been really hard for me to cope.

Last night, and these past few days I’ve just desperately needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling about the craziness that has become my life. To be open about how lost I feel. How broken I feel I’ve become. How that doesn’t feel allowed for me due to my responsibilities. To talk about how I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost my relationship with someone who made me feel happier everyday.

Everything piled up all at once and I don’t quite know how to handle it. Yesterday I watched YouTube video after YouTube video trying desperately to find any happiness I could. To laugh so I would forget where I was and so I wouldn’t cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I need some healing mentally, but I know things seem to only be getting worse and I know that true healing is far away.

Right now, I wanted to talk a little about my conversation. Somehow, I was lucky enough to talk to a counselor who was also a writer! I didn’t find that out till the end, but it was still really cool to talk to someone who also wrote novels, but did something like volunteer to talk to people like me who are under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil.

One thing I noticed was how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who I could tell everything that was going on to. Honestly, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to, but I didn’t really need to. It just felt good to tell someone what was going on and know that they would listen. I’ve increasingly come to the acknowledgement that I need therapy. There is just too much weight on my shoulders and I don’t want to ever be a burden on anyone. Right now, I feel like a burden. That I’m just going through so much that I’m not only emotionally drained, but that I could potential emotionally drain other people.

My situation feels very unfair, but it is what it is and I have to live this life that I’ve been given. I want to be able to make the most of it, but yesterday I was barely functioning. My mom responds to my tendency toward apathy with a cut it out sort of mentality. Which in a way, kind of works-ish. I have too much riding on my existence in terms of my family’s needs from me to have the ability to completely crumble. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go to work at all. I was having a break down and yet I worked anyway, because it’s not my choice, but I don’t have many choices to make. If it was my choice I would have gone to an actual councilor then and there.

The reason I’m writing all this is because mental health is important to me. Sharing the experience of it is important to me. Being able to connect with others who have struggled and continue to struggle everyday is important to me. To be open in saying I’m struggling and hurting to show it’s normal. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Getting help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So please, if your ever struggling, please use a hotline or crisis chat.

Here is the link to the crisis chat.

If you need immediate help please call a crisis hotline. Here is a link to different numbers if need be.

Thank you for reading! Thank you all for being with me on my life’s journey. For caring. Many of you know my life has been up and down and crazy recently. I hope that this helps someone. I will continue to write posts like this one as time goes on. Helping someone with my story is all I hope for. Leave your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Netgalley: Thoughts, Feelings, And New Rules

Netgalley is a wonderful site that gives lowly humans like me the chance to read books before they are released in exchange for an honest review. The truth is I love Netgalley (maybe a little too much) and I’m so happy that it exists.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to check any of the new releases on the site in the ya section and feast over the books that have yet to come.

However it isn’t without its problems (more like I’m not without mine) as it strings you up into addiction. I swear Netgalley was created so that book reviewers have something to be addicted to, to the point where all you think about is what’s next on there and reading all these shiny new books so that you neglect the ones you already have at home.

The biggest issue however is how easy it is to request a book. I mean you don’t expect me to click on that beautiful request button on that fantasy book that has my name written all over.. do you? Honestly it’s terrible. There are times where I would request 10 or 20 books at once without batting an eye. (Do you see how it’s me that’s the problem?) If they only made it so that it asked you about 100 times if it really is the best idea to request this book it might make it slightly less addictive… maybe.

Anyways the point of this is that I am terribly behind on my Netgalley books to the point where I’m drowning in them and I simply need some help. I have 35 Netgalley books to read and a few more to finish my reviews for and that’s even since only requesting when Julie Kagawa’s new book was put up to request Shadow of the Fox (which is a book 1 *squeal*) which makes the total requests that are pending up to 22.. so yeah if they are approved I’m really in a hole even though I really REALLY want to read them.

So here’s the plan:

I can’t even look at what is new on Netgalley until I have completed all but two reviews from my shelf. That’s right: from 35 to 2. As much as I love Netgalley I need to make this ban because otherwise I’m never going to see the light of day.

So it’s simple:

• No looking at Netgalley ever until all but 2 reviews are done

It is simple right?

Thanks for reading! Let me know your Netgalley woes in the comments below. Who is a must request author for you?

-Till next time!

Let’s Talk: A Genre I Am Afraid Of 


I like to think of myself as a genre mafioso if you will. I’m willing to read anything and I have loved a book from most every genre. I have loved Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Contemporary, Romance, Auto-Biographies, Non-Fiction, Historical fiction, Literary fiction, Poetry, Paranormal, Horror, Graphic novels, Mystery (thank you Agatha Christie) Manga, and  many other genres I am not thinking of at the moment, but the one big genre I seem to be missing to this list is this one: The Thriller. 

I’m just gonna go right out there and say it: I’m scared of Thrillers. They intimidate the heck out of me. The only thriller I own is Sharp Objects and I haven’t even read it yet. As a whole I don’t even know where to begin with it. I peak out at thrillers through the bushes and wonder “Hey, could you possibly be for me?” It’s crazy because I love reading quite a few blogs who almost exclusively read and review thrillers and I stand in some sort of corner browsing and curious, but still in so many ways afraid…. and I have no idea why. 

There are so many thrillers out there that have interested me in the idea of them, but when I go to pick them up I put them back down and say maybe next time. I even have some thrillers on my tbr that I’m super interested in reading, but there is something insane in my head that is keeping me from taking the plunge and letting myself enjoy the genre for what it is. 

It’s also crazy because there are elements of thrillers that in theory should make it irresistible: 

The psychological elements: 

The mind is fascinating to me. Learning and reading about the minds darker parts reels me in. 

The twisted nature: 

(Why I love horror) To see how things can be warped and twisted to be something different from what it was but more grotesque and evil then it was before is fascinating to me. In some part of myself that’s an element that draws me more then any other. 

The Crime: 

I love crime TV. Bones, CSI, BlindSpot, Psych, even stuff like 24 and Prison Break (which are not really crime crime shows, but they are full of action and well crime so I’m including them) Their is something about the forensics and getting into the mind of a killer that is intriguing to me. 

But then this is where I finally find my why. Movie thrillers and Tv Shows are so much fun to watch. They are fast-paced and entertaining and visually I’m always intrigued. However, I always wonder how that face-paced and live-action feel would be translated into written format in an entertaining way. (This is stupid logic I know, all I have to do is look at all the fast-based fantasies I own on my shelves to be proven wrong) 

So here is my plead for you. If you have read a thriller that you have really enjoyed and feel like it would be a good read for me give me a recommendation. (BTW I’m a HUGE fan of cool premises, so if it’s a bit quirky or weird or you just find the premise to be really cool I’d love to hear about it) Help me get over my fear of thrillers! My fear doesn’t even make sense to me and I need some great books to knock some sense into my head. 

Thank you for reading!

Till next time!

When the WordPress App Glitches Out: A Discussion

WordPress is my favorite place to share my thoughts above all other thoughts platforms. For 5 amazing months WordPress has allowed me to share my voice and create fun content with relative ease and the smallest of glitches. 

However, I was just almost done writing a long awaited tag post when, my app froze and glitched out, deleting the content completely. To which I precided to feel these sets of emotions: 


Tried to bargain for a non-existent way of fixing the problem: 


Depression: 


Acceptance: 


I was and still am sitting on my IKEA chair thinking about what to do. Do I redo the post? Do I do a different one? What should I do next? 

An idea struck!


Then I decided it might be interesting to write this little post, because I wasn’t happy about losing 40 minute of work to do it over again without sharing the sad experience with you all! 

So, I ask of you… has anything like this ever happened using WordPress? Have you ever lost any content or had any issues with the WordPress app? I need to feel some solidarity from this emotional rollercoaster. It was just a whole lot of panicked sadness. 

When you take so much time to work on something just to have it disappear feels awful. As much as I love WordPress this has been such a sad experience. I may be sad, but I will write and post the disappeared post tomorrow. There is a tag to look forward to! I hope you all will enjoy it!

-Till next time!

Burning Out 


University, homework, trying to stay fit, keeping up with the blog, reading as much as possible, writing, commenting on other bloggers posts, and dealing with all the punches life gives, I am having an emotional burn out. This isn’t to say I’m running out of ideas (in fact, I am suffering from having too many) or even that I’m unhappy with all I have to do. Just that I’m running low on gas and I need to find a way to refill, refresh, and revitalize myself. 

I put all this pressure on myself to keep chugging along and because all my dreams and ideas pop up so quickly and frequently and I am not a very organized person, I have overloaded myself and I am reaching a breaking point. I’m taking this time to reflect and put together my thoughts, to see what I can do to ease this self-inflicted problem. 

  1. Write down a schedule for posts/ organize post types and times better
  2. Stick to that schedule
  3. Start writing extra posts when the time presents itself (especially tags/awards)
  4. Do all homework asap (I don’t procrastinate too much on homework, but it can pile up if I’m not careful)
  5. Stop watching so much YouTube (YouTube sucks away my time more then anything else) 
  6. Read books during the time I would be watching YouTube
  7. Continue exercises (I’ve actually been working out way more often recently!)
  8. Do my best not to fear the writing process
  9. Try not to stress out so much when things don’t pan out quite right 
  10. Try not to be so hard on myself 
  11. Go with the flow 
  12. Just keep swimming!

I promise you, lovely reader, that I am not giving up! Just the opposite, I am working to revamp myself so I am more productive then ever. My schedule at the moment is all over the place and I will do everything I can to give more of my time to what’s important and less on empty calories (i.e. YouTube). I want to create a better life for myself that is balanced and happy. It will be a bumpy road, but everyday comes with new challenges and improvements. I know that good things are coming sooner then I perceive it to be. 
Thank you for reading! Let me know if you have any tips and ideas for me in the comments. I hope to be back on track very soon!

Till next time!

Writing at Night


I have a major problem with writing at night. I spend my days with my mind dormant, completely asleep, gone away from me, no good for use. Yet once it is time for me to close my eyes and dream wonderful dreams my brain wakes up and whispers loudly at me, “Hey, hey you, hey, hey, hey Tiana, wakey wakey! Hey! You kinda need to write. You really, really need to write. HEY! Write right now dam it! GOOOO!” 

Finally, I have to listen to myself and I end up on my phone typing away till my thumbs become numb at midnight. This highly randevous happens even if I wrote earlier on my laptop like a normal person. So basically, every, single, night, I sit on my chair, my thumbs bleeding, my head screaming, and my imagination churning. 

Depending on what I’m writing, I will often finally end up sleeping at 1 in the morning. Which, would not be so bad, except, a lot of the time I won’t finish what I wanted to finish because my phone battery is always at 20% when I start typing. This means that if I am writing a blog post (ex. I am writing one right now. Battery life is at 14%. The time is 11:53 p.m.) I have to rush to finish it so I can publish it before my phone dies. (The issue of writing blog posts on my phone will be addressed later) 

At the same time, I am working on what I like to call my nightly imagination generator. Which at the same time is not always rational. Sometimes I will write something only to read it the next day and wonder, why?! 

Sometimes though, my nightly imagination generatior is a genius and I end up writing much better pieces than I ever thought I could write, but I cannot continue to invest in a faulty system. The conundrum is that this problem is chronic and I sometimes rather enjoy it, especially when I write poetry, but I need to develop a better habit. 

The other issue is school and my tendency to procrastinate. I will finish assignments during the day when my brain is on academic proper grammar writing mode. That part of my brain emotionally exhausts me so I end up reading or watching videos to gain back a bit of happiness and relaxation. Then I do everything in my power to not write (I call this intentional unintentional forgetting) till by the time I ‘remember’ what I should be doing it is 12:00 a.m. 

This is a problem that I am not quite certain I am prepaired to fix. I need guidence. What do you suggest? 

-Till next time!

November 2016: TBR 

November is going to be one of the busiest months I have ever had. Between Nanowrimo, a 10 page research paper, and anything else that may pop up I am going to have a lot of things to balance out. 

I am determined to make this month my own and complete everything that I wish to complete and I believe that I can, or so…. I tell myself. 

I will have to give up a lot of things that take up my time during this month, but the one thing I will not allow myself to give up is reading. So let’s take a look at my November 2016: Tbr! (Praying I will be able to actually read these books 😰)

The Weight of Zero by Karen Fortunati 


I am currently about halfway through this book and I can’t wait to see what happens next! I hope for so many could things to happen to Catherine! I will be writing a full review of this once I am finished. As of right now I 100% would recommend you to pick this book up and read it!

Schism by Britt Holewinski 

“My name is Andrea Christensen. I’m one of the oldest oldest people in the world.”
The first book in a new YA, dystopian trilogy, SCHISM is a story of survival, of good versus evil, and of constructing a future with only memories of childhood.
A virus, created by the smartest minds in the United States government, which is meant to target male adults in times of war, is accidentally released before testing is complete. Within weeks six billion people are eliminated from the world. The only survivors are prepubescent children. 
Five years after this catastrophic event, a young girl named Andy Christensen and her two friends are forced to leave their home in Bermuda and return to the North American continent. There, they discover that America is wild and chaotic, and people have instituted a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Andy and her friends soon band together with fellow survivors in search for a new place to call home.

I picked up this book in March intrigued by the description and what it would be like to be a child in a land without adults just trying to survive. 

Enclave by Ann Aguirre


From the second I saw this novel I wanted to sink my teeth into it… Enough said. 

Finally, 

Dorothy Must Die Stories by Danielle Paige 


I am so in the mood for a retelling. These three stories will help keep me together as I do my best to write like a madwoman during this crazy wonderful month. 

———

What are you thinking of reading this month? How do you deal with trying to make time to read while you are busy? Let me know in the comments below!

-Till Next Time! 💕