My Journey to Healing

Some of you know that I didn’t have the best ending for 2018 and that it effected me to the core. I was at a point where my mental state sucked. I was crying all the time. I was questioning everything. But, most of all I was in a state of deep hurt and sadness.

I could not read for a time. I took every sad thing I saw and absorbed it. I couldn’t even continue to discuss what was going on in my head because it made everything that much worse. I felt lost because I truly didn’t have anyone to really talk to about what I was going through. At the worst of it I contacted a crisis chat because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to turn.

I honestly thought I was going to need some sort of grief therapy at some point. But, that never came to pass. My healing came from turning inside of myself. Of staying authentic to who I was as a person and my beliefs, but also letting go of any thoughts of pain, negative thoughts, and any thoughts that made me feel unworthy of any good thing.

I turned to self care and heavy meditation as well as just letting myself be. Slowly, the days became lighter and lighter. I’d have some fantastic days. I got to a point where the good days became more then the bad things and life started not to feel so heavy anymore.

My Dad is still sick. He has prostate cancer as well as stroke issues. The hardest thing for me has been seeing him deteriorate. Sometimes he gets so angry and then depressed and that’s hard for me to handle sometimes. Sometimes his vision comes and goes and it has nothing to do with his eyes, but where the strokes affected his brain. He doesn’t want surgery and he doesn’t want to go through chemo so he’s just being monitored at this point. But, the good news is that he’s been pretty stable in his condition for a while. He hasn’t gotten any worse.

Personally, my mental health has gotten much better. I just needed time to be in my own head and to feel my own grief. Over time I remembered who I truly am at the core. The things I love to talk about. My interests in learning and movies, music, and comedy. Writing was not in my best interest for that time period, because even though it can be at times cathartic, I can often take on how my characters feel and I needed to let go of anything that could potentially add to my stress and sadness.

I can talk about this all now without feeling the pain. Where thinking about the past no longer brings up the past pain.

I am not one to hide anything. I don’t like being dishonest. I don’t like pretending to be anything I’m not. If I care about you, you’ll know it. If I have something I want to work I’ll try to come up with any sort of solution to make it work and sometimes that doesn’t turn out so well and I come off in a way that wasn’t my original intention. But, I own up to my mistakes. At the end of the day I want to be the best person that I can be.

So, I’m committed to starting my life over anew. I’m not going to hold on to any past pain. I get to choose who I am and what I do moving forward in each moment. I get to choose to be my own person and to enjoy what life has to offer me. I feel much calmer as a person now. I also feel more stable in who I am and how to handle anything new that would come into my life. At this point I feel ready for all the good the future has for me. I have a good relationship with all my coworkers. I am steady in what I want to do with my future. I feel good about my body and how I look. I am coping a lot better with the reality of my dad’s health. Also with the reality of my financial situation. I feel like I have all the tools inside me to create a life for myself that I can be proud of.

There is nothing wrong with having mental health struggles. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love or happiness. Taking as much time as you need to heal is valid. There is nothing wrong with feeling in the dark for a time, but you can’t let yourself become the darkness. You have to let yourself recognize the good in you and what you truly want for yourself and to let yourself have it. There is no glory in depriving yourself of love or happiness.

I’ve needed to rejoin the land of the living and I believe that I already have. A big part of it has been being able to go to the movies on Tuesday’s and seeing films like La Llorona and Endgame (which was amazing by the way). Feeling able to purchase something I like every once in a while. Letting myself joke around and sing and dance again.

Everyone in this life has the choice to make the best of their individual situations. To either live in their hurt or to transform it. Sometimes you need to feel the hurt. To think about things and turn them over and not make any massive moves in life. Sometimes healing means taking a long rest. But, when the time comes you have to let yourself come out of that cave. To move forward. That’s where I am at right now. In a place where I’m tired of suffering. My life is in my own hands. So I’m going to make the best of it.

Thanks for reading! This has been a long time coming. I couldn’t be more grateful for this community. I’ve made some friendships here that I will never forget. Thank you all for being a part of my growth. For being part of my support system. It truly means the world to me.

Avicii: This is my Tribute

On April 20th, 2018, the world one of the biggest names in edm. Personally, I felt like I lost someone whose sound would forever be imprinted on my heart. Avicii was one of those artists that I could hear a brand new song and know it was his work without anyone telling me the artist. In truth, I thought I’d have years and years of future music of his to listen to, but that sadly wasn’t in the cards.

This superstar of an artist gave me songs that lit up my heart and gave me hope. Songs that celebrated life and living out ones greatest dreams and it inspired me to dance in the moment again and again. In my heart Avicii’s light will never die. People like Avicii…people who hide their demons away and give so much of their light for all the world to enjoy are very special people.

I don’t want to taint this post with the details of his death. I’m sure, a year later, the majority of you know what happened. No this post is a celebration. Avicii’s music will continue to inspire joy and dance in my life for the rest of my life.

Losing this powerhouse of a musician, one of the first to be a part of what sparked my love of music in the first place was like losing a friend. Someone who was always with you raising you up. Someone that showed you to turn to the light when the dark felt like too much to handle. That’s who Avicii was and still is in my life.

These are some of my all time favorite Avicii songs:

  • The Days/The Nights: both of these give me a deep feeling of hope for different reasons
  • Hey Brother: a song that gives me a feeling of nostalgia
  • Levels: a song that I will always dance to no matter what
  • Waiting for love: a song I just love to sing along to
  • Wake me up: another one of his supremely hopeful songs
  • SOS- just an overall beautiful song
  • Silhouettes- a song that talks about the brightness of the future and not letting the past ever hold you back. A song of how each and every moment is one that transforms you.
  • Broken Arrows- Another very hopeful and uplifting song that brings a smile on my face
  • Addicted to you- I love the story of this song. Falling in love once more and giving into it after lost love. I think there is something pretty brave about that.
  • Lonely Together- I feel like this song about friends coming together when they are feeling a little lonely and just enjoying life together.

For this tribute I sung ‘The Nights’ to no music. Singing is my way of celebrating and letting go of emotion and I’ve sung along to avicii’s songs countless times. The audio isn’t perfect, it’s kinda muddled and soft, but this is something I’ve wanted to do since the time of his passing.

So here it is:

https://youtu.be/ZKfITN-da9w

To Avicii, you moved the lives of millions. You shared stories of living life to the fullest and making all your dreams come true. You may have gone away into another life, but what you accomplished on this earth will always have a positive impact. Rest well my friend. You are a shining star gone way too soon.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you all enjoyed this post. I meant to have this up on the 20th, but I got the dates all mixed up and I realized I had it wrong. Avicii is a person that has a big place in my heart. Truly someone who has gone way too soon.

Feeling Good!

There was a time in my life where something small could become something heart-wrenching. Where fear ruled and took control. I feel it’s reign ending and the smoke clearing. I feel peace and hope once again knocking on my door. The beginnings of a whole new world are at my doorstep. The pain is being washed away. The anxiety is being washed away. The fear is being cut loose and I am the one standing in its wake a victor. I needed the hurt to rise above it. I needed the rest to be the foundation of my awakening. I feel good. I feel powerful. I am free. What an amazing feeling it is to finally feel good as me. The best is yet to come. There is something good to find in the every moment. I am the master of me. I am the creator of my world. I can’t wait to see what comes next. I can’t wait to show the world the stardust I’m made of. I can’t wait to see what I create. It’s going to be glorious. It’s going to be a life I am proud of. It’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! This is just a little late night poem to share an awesome breakthrough I’ve had. Things can only go up from here. I hope things are going well for all of you reading. Everyone deserves to feel this good.

-Till next time!

A Life Imagined

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

All our dreams melded into one glorious day

We’ll spend our nights dreaming of the home we’d build together

Smiling about the sweet music we’d made during the day

We’d laugh and dance through life together

Saying a thousand words with just one look

I can’t wait for the day you put your hand in mine

I can’t wait for the day I laugh with you

I can’t wait for the day I’d whisper in your ear and see you smile with the knowing that every single day I’d take pleasure in choosing you

Tell then, I have mountains to climb, and oceans to cross

Stars to build across my soul

But every lesson, every tick of the clock, brings me closer to the day I finally get to hold you

So for now find peace and be happy

Do what’s right for you

I’ll be working hard and dancing on my own

Till the time comes for me to create a whole new world when I’m with you

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

Surrounded by all of those we love

There will be peace and joy and happiness

A new beginning creating one from the two of us

I know it’ll be years before we get there

But oh how sweet it is to dream

Will you dream along with me?

Thanks for reading! I don’t know why, but at the moment I’m feeling really optimistic about the future. Imagining scenarios for what could be has brought me no small measure of peace. One of my greatest desires for my life has been to be with someone I can share my time on this earth with. I don’t know the when or how of it, but I know one day this all will come to be and that’s something to feel good about.

-Till next time!

3,000 Followers Celebration!!

Every time I reach a major milestone it surprises me. This one is no exception. This one in particular is surprising because my blogging has been super sporadic and in general different. Mostly because I haven’t been reading as much or writing as much due to many different things. I’m working on changing that, but right now I’m a work in progress so I’m taking things one day at a time.

This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I don’t deserve this. Just because as much I’ve wanted to return to blogging and move forward positively something inside always blocks me. But, I’m going to keep trying. Because this blog has brought a lot of good in my life and I have to get back to where things are going well again.

I have so many books to read and movies to talk about and ventures to pursue. I’m tired of feeling stuck. But, I can choose to not be stuck. So that’s what I’m going to choose. So hopefully over the next few days, weeks, and months I’ll feel less like an imposter and more like myself. I have the means to turn things around for myself and so that’s what I’m going to do.

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me. I’m sorry that my blog has been so sporadic lately. I’m going to do my best in the coming days, weeks, and months to bring my blog back to what it once was.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!

Choosing to Live Life Fully

After being sick for a while, I forgot once more the state of mind I had gotten myself to just before I got sick. For some reason, being sick brought out a lot of the anxious thoughts and emotions I had been feeling for a while prior. But, it is time to let those thoughts go. To set them free and give them away. They are not serving me any.

I’m living my life to the fullest this year. I may have stumbled at the start, but I’m not going to let that stop me. There is so much in this life to appreciate and enjoy so I’m going to enjoy them.

I just needed to write this to remind myself of the path I wish to take. To live my life fully, unapologetically, and without regrets. It might be a while till I can embrace this fully, but I’m going to try and try until that is my reality. Because, I want to live the life I choose.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Why I Took an Unplanned Hiatus

Hello everyone!

I’m finally ready to come back to the blogging community. It’s been a while. A lot longer then I would have liked, but a lot has happened recently and I’m now ready to talk about it.

So, at first I took this hiatus because I had an issue at work with a coworker and the whole thing stressed me out because even though what happened was totally uncalled for there was the fear that I might loose my job. However, it’s all straightened out now and me and that coworker no longer work on the same shifts.

After that I got really sick. At one point I went to the emergency room because I was having panic attacks because when I coughed I felt like I couldn’t breath. I woke up at 5:00 am that day and could not sleep because of how bad my sinuses were. I’m still a little under the weather, but I’m much better now.

So in the time I haven’t been blogging I decided to do something I enjoyed while I was awake. Which was to finally watch all the movies in the marvel cinematic universe. I had been wanted to do this for a while, but never knew what order to go in and had only watched iron man, the hulk, and the guardians of the galaxy movies before setting myself on this quest. Today I finally finished all of them and so I’m going to do a blog series about my thoughts.

There is one more thing I want to talk about. During this time sitting just with myself I went through a lot of emotional purging and understandings. One thing is for certain. My mental health gravely impacted my sickness. Mental health issues aren’t to be messed with. They are real and they are strong and they can mess with you. They can be overcome. However, I had given into my own for a while. I let anxiety and depression run the wheel of my life for too long thinking those thoughts were there to protect me when they were lies.

Currently, I’m working on getting back to a better schedule and creating opportunities to talk about things that make me happy, rather then focusing on my losses. It’s been more difficult for me then I thought it would be, but giving myself projects to work on and getting back into reading and writing should all be helpful.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my reality, much like others deal with bipolar disorder, various phobias, and any other mental health issue. But, it does not define me. It makes my life harder. It makes the relationships I have more difficult then they should be, but in working to heal it I become stronger. I’m going to live my life moment by moment. I’m going to keep hope and faith in my life. I’m going to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. I think the more I do so the smaller the hold anxiety and depression will have on me.

There was a time that I thought my mental health journey wouldn’t affect my life that much. Where I made it smaller then it was. I allowed it to sneak up on me and take control. From now on I take the reigns. I’m determined to make each day something I can look back and smile about from now on. I spent way too much time while I was sick stuck in waves of negative emotion and then flipping back into more positive emotion. I’m going to stick to the positive as much as possible from now on.

Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back finally. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad’s birthday. I want to take this time to talk about how much my dad means to me and the importance he has for my life.

My dad was my idol from when I was a little kid. I would follow him around wherever he went. Helped him with whatever I could. Looked for bugs in the dirt with him. When I was little I would listen to story after story that he would tell me with complete awe.

My dad’s health right now is terrible. Thing after thing came up and I honestly don’t know how much time I have left with him. That’s why on days like today I take a step back. I look at the people I love and I pray for as much time with them as possible.

If I’ve been taught anything due to my dad’s sickness it’s that you don’t give up on people you love. You hold onto them. You cherish them and every moment you have, because you don’t know when they may be gone from your life.

My dad will always be my hero. Today and every day going forward I’m going to cherish him. It’s been hard to see how his sickness has changed him, but the man that he always was to me will never change.

I may become different things to different people in the future. A friend, a love, a co-worker, a mentor, or what have you, but I will always be my dad’s little girl.

Happy birthday dad. I love you. May we have another wonderful year together. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for reading!

-Till next time!

Hello 2019!

This year is going to be crazy. It’s going to be different and I’m going to call it right now, but it’s going to be beautiful. This is a year where I refuse to live in any other way then the way I choose. Where I find my own path and live life unafraid.

2018 was a year of fear. Even in the most beautiful part of 2018 there was still an element of fear and it ruined everything for me. I’m done with fear. I’m done with following a normal set path for myself. I want to write my own story. Not only do I want to, but I’m going to do it. Because fear and sadness have done nothing, but hurt me. I don’t want to be sad any more. I don’t want to be worried anymore. I don’t want to live life in a way I’ll regret it anymore.

So here are some words I wish to live by in the new year:

In 2018, I let anxiety and hurt rule me. I didn’t let myself believe and what I knew in my heart to be true. I let myself get caught up in how things should happen and didn’t let things happen as was right for me and not necessarily right for others. All these things caused me to make choices I do regret. Which, is something I never thought I’d do to myself. 2019 and beyond is a time in my life where I don’t want to do that ever again. Let me clarify.. It’s something I’m never going to let myself do that again.

Fear has kept me from all the things I truly love in life. Kept me from taking the chances I needed to take. All of it causing a time of great sadness and I ended up hurting myself the most. Anytime I can I’m going to do what’s best and right for me. I’m going to follow my heart. I got way to much in my head in 2018. I’m done with that. I’m going to give my heart the reigns in the new year and just see what happens.

I don’t know what to expect this year. There are endless possibilities. But no matter what happens I’m going to make sure that it’s one of the best years of my life. I’m going to write this year. I’m going to read a lot of amazing books this year. I’m going to live life this year. I’m going to make sure that it is truly a year to remember.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!