Life has struck me once again

This blog fills me with unbridled hope and a desire to be the person I once was. Through this back and forth of starting and failing and starting and failing again and again and again I realized that my stress response is to freeze because there feels like nothing else I can do. I have learned that understanding this feeling and responding to it kindly allows me to get back up and try again.

Through this I understand too I can never be the person I once was. I have evolved. I have lived more life. I have discovered new things to love and new ways I wish for things to be. I have loved deeply and I have lost deeply. I have tried. That’s an important bit, I have tried. I have a great desire for peace in my life and peace in my relationships. Things that have worked. Things that have failed miserably and made me miserable.

My mental health is a constant battle because I face the same core things everyday and even if I know they will someday change right now it’s hard to face it all every day. However, I do do it. I do try. Ultimately through it all I am drawn back here.

So once again I’m going to get back up and try again. I will not pressure myself as far as what I post about. What makes me happy to speak on at any given time is what’s right for me to speak on in that moment.

Right now my focus is on what brings me great joy. Whether that be a game, a anime, a tv show, or a book that is what I want most to give my attention to. So over the next few days expect some fun posts about things that make me happy and that I’m very proud of.

To keep this up I’m going to promise myself to get up at 7 every day. I will do my best to avoid unproductive arguments as much as possible. I will do my best to express myself in a way that I feel good about it. To roll with the storms and allow myself to have as much internal peace as possible.

Life can try to bring me down as much as it wants, but I’m going to do my best to thrive within it. To connect and discover more joy. To not overwhelm myself and flow with what comes and do what needs to be done when I need to. I will take things step by step and start to excel instead of struggle.

Through all of this I will just keep becoming a better and better more well-rounded person who values herself and her joy and promotes that in others too. In life that’s all I really want to strive for.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Join me in my live streams on Twitch! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

If you’d like a quality candle check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

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My A-ha Moment

The other day I got an email from a representative of St. Martin’s press offering a e-arc copy of S. Jae-Jones “Guardians of Dawn: Zhara” for me to review. This was unexpected and completely mind blowing to me as I have not been an active reviewer for quite some time. What also was unexpected was my reaction. I read the email and I sobbed. Not normal sobbing either, I was sobbing like someone who was grieving a loved one. I had thought this part of my life, writing, reading, being a reviewer, had been put behind me. Yet even after so long people are still remembering me as someone who’d they’d like to support and promote their books.

It pains me so much that I’ve left this industry for so long. It tears at my heart. I flooded with tears because I realized there was still a place for me here. A place for me to be a champion for books and to spread the love and passion for stories that has always lived inside me. Yet even as I write this I feel the drum of anxiety inside me. The desire is so true yet so is the idea that I’ve not done this for so long that I don’t know how to begin to return. I’ve failed so many times to come back for a reason. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good enough anymore?

Yet, I still got that email. I still had someone look at my other reviews of S. Jae Jones Wintersong and Shadowsong and they decided that I was worth reaching out too. Even with my poor Netgalley ratio of 56%. Even when I haven’t been in the game for several years. They still thought to give me an opportunity I’m sure many others are really hoping for themselves. Everything in me screams at me not to waste it.

Truth be told I’ve been afraid to be active on my blog the way I once was. To give so much of myself to this incredible community again because I know that there’s several tragedies in my life that have been coming for a while now and I’m afraid to start this again only to be blindsided by loss once again and feel forced to leave again out of my own grief.

I feel like I keep ignoring my call and the more I ignore it the more it contributes to my sadness. So for once I’m picking up the phone and committing myself once more and trusting that I’ve been called for a reason and things will be ok.

So I’ve decided and I know it’ll be a lot of work, but I think building this blog back up and expressing myself through writing once more is the best thing for me to do. I’m excited. I have a writing project that I’ll announce that’ll be up on wattpad for those interested to read for free. It’ll take a couple months for me to put it together and write it all, but I feel it’ll be worth it.

I’ll stream on the rare occasions that I’ll get. It’s pretty rare because after I started streaming my dad changed his sleeping schedule and I can only stream when he is asleep. I am a bit bummed about it cause I had just gotten a vtuber model to work. It is what it is.

I don’t have an excuse anymore and I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to continue here. It’s time. Time to be The Book Raven once more. I’m here to stay in both good and bad times. So you all will be hearing from me a lot once more.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Join me in my live streams on Twitch! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

If you’d like a quality candle check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

IMy friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

A Whole New World

There’s something about the beginning of the month that makes me feel like I can start over. That I can decide to focus on making my life the way I want it to be. That past two years or so that feeling has been few and far in between. I’ve been doing my best behind the scenes for a long time. Quietly rebuilding and focusing on my mental health. I feel for the first time in a long time that I have the tools in me to reestablish myself and rebuild this blog into what it’ll become from now on.

I have been irreversibly changed in the past few years. Lost and found myself multiple times. Dealt with some of the most harrowing and painful things I’ve had to deal with in my life. Through it all, I’ve quietly focused and rebuilt on my joy and my ability to rest and recover. During the past few years I did not have the bandwidth to give of myself much more then I was giving to my work, family, and friends. I understand that now. I am not upset anymore that I wasn’t able to return here during that time. A lot of it had to do with my relationship with my anxieties and my fear.

Even now, I know that eventually one of the saddest moments of my life is coming. However, I cannot keep myself from doing the things I love to do in the meantime and after that point. My time away from blogging has been valuable. I am not the same girl I was when I started the book raven. I have grown. I have established a very loving and understanding partnership with a person who has been unconditionally supportive of me and my dreams and I to them. I have picked up the pieces over and over again dealing with the reality of my dads terminal illness. I have allowed myself to give myself the space I needed to breath and to rediscover and rebuild myself from a point in my life where I felt so lost.

I am now focused on moving forward. On creating. On balancing the hardships of life with the precious joyous moments I can cherish. In this moment I can feel it in my heart that this is the best way forward. To balance living, work, and doing things that impassion me. Only a week ago I had started to dance to music again. To feel that blissful freedom of movement.

I am a woman who has been remade and renewed. It is time for me to once again shine in the new ways that I desire to. I am planning so much to share with you all. In writing, in books, in the world of video games. I am ready. I hope you all are ready to join me. It’s going to be a whole new world.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

Check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Doing Instead of Fearing

The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.

Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.

Speaking of if you wish to support me and my family while also getting some awesome, delicious smelling candles order at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SistersOfTwilight

However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.

The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.

All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.

The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.

So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.

But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.

So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

Check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My Blog is Now Monetized 🎉

Yesterday afternoon I decided to upgrade my site and join WordPress Ads! I have been blogging for years without being monetized and finally I’m opening the door to start getting paid for my passion.

Of course, this is only the first step towards starting to get paid for my blog. I will be looking into other avenues as time passes as well. Prior WordPress was always putting ads on my blog posts that I wasn’t getting paid for. So now, I’ll be getting a bit of income myself for all the work I do blogging.

From there I also want to explore more what having an upgraded site means and what it’ll offer me in the future. I’m excited to spend time and see if I can redesign my blog a bit and add things to it over the course of this next year.

Who knows? Maybe I can start to make a real source of extra income from doing what I’ve always loved to do.

One of the main reasons I did this is because I’m working with an injury that needs to be healed. If I can manage to make extra enough maybe it’ll be possible for me to take time off of work and be able to rest my wrists so they can make a full recovery.

The other reason was it’s about time. I love writing about books and being a part of the WordPress community. It was about time I started to make a bit of income from it.

If anyone has any advice for me about monetizing a blog or any resources I should look into let me know down in the comments! Also, if you all have any information about Word Ads and how well it’s worked for you, let me know in the comments as well.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to buy me a Kofi!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Finishing A First Draft Before the End of the Year

This is my declaration that I will write the first draft of a novel before the end of the year. I have the idea and I have a bit of fun research to do before writing certain elements of the novel, but the bare bones are there.

The best part is that I’m giving myself enough time to write in bite sized pieces and not stress myself out trying to get it done too quickly. All I need is a bit over 300 words everyday and I’ll have a draft done by the end of the year. I’m certain some days I’ll write a good bit more then that and others I’ll give myself a break to do other things, but I have a plan!

The book I will be writing will be a magical realism about a girl with a unique connection to bees. So studying about bee life will be important to the story.

One of these days I think I’m going to sit down and draw this girl in the image I had of her that sparked the idea for this story. I’ve always adored magical realism and to write something so unique and ethereal like this is going to be a blast!

Everyday, at the bottom of my blog post I’ll update how much I wrote towards this novel the previous day and the total word count along with it. It’ll be good to keep track and also to keep accountable over the course of me writing this.

For now I’m excited! I can’t wait to get started on this novel!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Inspiration from Old Places

Randomly I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and Wattpad came up. It was a site I used to read so many books on, but also it is the place where I wrote my first ever book. It is short and bite sized and it is called “Confessions of a Teenage Writer”

I wrote this while hoping to finish at least one other draft of a novel. Yet, this became the first thing I ever finished and I’ve only finished one other draft of something since.

Looking back and reading the comments on this book made me want to sob. I hadn’t really looked at this book or anything on Wattpad since 2016. Yet, when I wrote it I realized I had effected others. I had accomplished what I had wanted to do so badly and so early on.

People had connected with my work. They had thought it beautiful. They’d encouraged me to keep writing, but in their eyes I already was a writer. The titles I have not thought I could claim for myself in recent years, but I am both writer and author. Again I feel the tears come.

Lately, I have been able to start the process of writing again. Currently, my project is in the idea phase. I truly don’t know much about it and it’s come in bits and pieces. Lately, everything in my life has felt like a gentle stream nudging me back to the passion I have had for so many years, to write.

For a single day at my work there was a young girl that came and of all things she wanted to be a writer. She worked for a day only. Yet, listening to her. Hearing how she hadn’t finished anything because she had all these ideas in her head and couldn’t commit to one I felt so inspired and nostalgic for who I was when I first began writing. It felt electrifying to remember and to understand that this was me coming back home to myself.

It’s felt like the universe has been telling me it’s ok. It’s ok that I needed the time I did, but the time is right now. It’ll be ok.

For now, my toes feel like they are dipping in this water. Preparing for the way I will wish to go. Where I will begin.

So, I have begun here. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning to write blog posts. I’ve started reading again. Started to think about an idea and build it out. All these things will soon build out and eventually I will be flowing in this gentle river until I make small stops on my journey when I finish the first draft, when I’m editing, when I’m hoping to see if there’s a home in publishing for my story, and again starting a whole new idea.

I am here. I am ready. I am inspired and hopeful. The best yet I am smiling. I appreciate so much the younger version of me who went for writing so head on and with such passion. Who read books every single day and couldn’t imagine she’d breath well in a day without at least ingesting a single chapter. Turns out for the most part it became true. I haven’t been able to come back to myself for so long. Now is the time. I want to shout that. Now is the time!

This feels so wonderful.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

New Beginning

Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.

I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.

The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.

Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.

So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.

So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.

So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.

Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

September Goals

September is a month I’m really focusing on setting achievable goals for each day and commuting to them. Some things I want to try to do daily and other things will be just for that day. I wanted to start on a lot of the daily things I wanted to incorporate today, but ultimately that didn’t happen. Instead, me and my family went out to do some important errands and did a little shopping and then went to get the car cleaned and so by the end I deemed that today not the time to jump into a bunch of stuff that I simply wouldn’t be able to finish in my state.

So my one thing for today is looking for a better hair care routine and it’s been more difficult to try and find something good for me then I thought and there’s so much information that I’m lost. I have dandruff issues and coarse straight hair. Finding something that would help out my scalp health and also help the health of my hair and smooth it out and make it shiny is a task.

This month I also know of two books I want to finish and review and I’m almost done with both so that’s a blessing.

The first of which is ‘So You Want To Talk About Race’ by Ijeoma Oluo!

I want to continue educating myself on issues of race and how I can help with dismantling issues of racism starting with a look at myself, my privilege as a white woman, and my biases. Reading this book so far has helped me understand a few situations that I didn’t quite grasp before and re-introduced me to concepts I had looked into in the past. I’m excited to finish it! It’s been a great read so far.

The second book is an advanced readers copy that I’m very much behind on called ‘The Lost City’ by Amanda Hocking.

I’m exactly the same amount through with it as I am in ‘So You Want To Talk About Race’ at 61% percent through. This book so far has been interesting, but definitely not nearly on the same level as ‘So You Want To Talk About Race’, but they are so different in topic and everything else they are pretty incomparable. I do think this book is cute. But, I am kind of sad that there really hasn’t been much movement in it yet. A bunch of searching for her history and figuring out who exactly this friend is that the kid she’s taking care of brought to their apartment with her.

I do want to do some drawing this month. Also some language learning and math learning as well. I’m a bit of a nerd so I like to go on Khan Academy and see how many lessons I can do in 30 minutes. It keeps my mind going and feeds the part of me that misses school.

I want to post daily on the blog as much as I can. It’s nice to share my thoughts like this again. I’ve missed it.

I AM going to be writing as much as I can towards my first draft this month. I was going to write today, but by now it’s a little late for that. So, hopefully tomorrow.

I am also going to be starting a daily exercise routine. Mixing days doing this really cool and fun 30 day challenge of doing shuffle dances and redoing a basic yoga routine. I’d stoped exercising for a while cause I needed to protect my arm cause I got the birth control implant! Which I’m really happy about and let me know if you have any questions about that or if your interested in me doing a post about my experiences being on it so far. I’d love to share!

So yee! This month I have a ton of stuff planned. Lots of different things I’m going to do in so many different areas. I’m happy about all of them and I can’t wait to share how things went at the end of the month!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!

Coming Back to Blogging

I have written this post more times then I could count in the past. When my life changes I continually feel the need to step inward and quietly come to understand and grow on my own. Yet, I always have found great value in being open online. Sharing my experiences and thoughts on stories, films, current issues, and my life. I’ve missed being on here. So, yes I am returning and this time I imagine I’m here to stay for a good long time.

Someone important in my life told me all I need to do is start and this is me doing just that starting. I have abandoned many things I love in recent times out of a fear. A fear that I’m not good enough. That I don’t deserve to try and be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. A fear that I’m going to get things wrong. But the truth is I am going to get things wrong at time and I am going to mess up, but my passion for writing. My passion for telling stories that will never leave me.

Life is but a tiny spec of dust in the grand scheme of the universe. I want to make the most use of my tiny spec. There’s life and beauty in even the smallest of creatures in existence. I want to live life as fully as I can. With as much joy as I can.

This is a part of that joy. Discussing books. Promoting authors. Talking about writing and the journey of it. It’s a wonderful thing. So here I am again. Just me, my phone, and many many thoughts. I’m back and it feels so good to be.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!