Some Lessons I’ve Learned from Life and Blogging

I really don’t know why I wanted to discuss this right now. Maybe, it’s mostly just so I can remember that I have made progress in my life even if technically looks pretty similar to what it was only a year ago.

I have big dreams for my life. I want to be an author and share stories with anyone willing to read them with the hopes that my stories would effect someone’s life the way stories have affected my life.

One of my biggest issues has been wanting to do everything all at once and not making things manageable for myself. I have a tendency to want it all. The success, the many finished books in my back poker, the “perfect” relationship (mind you my definition of perfect in this case is pretty imperfect, but explaining this would take way too long.. mostly I just want to have a relationship where someone works side by side with me and we both support each other), to have my family relationship to be good, to feel good in my own skin, to be fluent in a second language.. and the list goes on. There are so many goals I have for myself and chasing after all of them causes me to burn out more often then not.

Life has thrown many a wrench in my life and from this challenges I’ve learned to slow the hell down. I don’t know how long I have on this earth and it’s part of the reason I feel the need to move quickly at times, but it causes me to want to jump to the end of things instead of enjoying every step of every part of my journey. It’s so important to take the time to put your full attention to each step of something and not just the beginning and the end. Sometimes grinding is necessary. Sometimes, rest is necessary. Giving the time needed for each part of something will make a better whole in the long run.

But, the most important thing of all is to remember to truly live your life and not get into the habit of just existing. Honestly, it’s the reason I never started freelancing, because even if I do believe it might be a lucrative venture for me in the long run.. writing about stuff I don’t care for isn’t something I ever want to do. However, I have a delightful announcement that I’m going to make at a later date that is a venture that I’m proud to begin.

I feel like I’ve touched on something of this from my life Update post, but with my home situation being what it is, I’ve learned a level of patience that I never thought I’d learn. My level to get annoyed by something has increased dramatically. My ability to understand has increased dramatically. The amount it takes before stress gets me to break down has increased. Even my tolerance for my own failings and my patience with myself has increased a ton. When I think about where I am now from where I was I feel like I’ve evolved from Mew to Mew 2.

As far as lessons from blogging, I’ve learned when to take breaks. I’ve learned also to plan things out, but also to write whatever I want when I want. I know that if I structure things too much I end up getting bored and that’s not what I want to happen with something I love doing so much. I try not to plan posts more then a day ahead. I may have types of posts and set projects, but when they go up is kept as loose as possible.

However, one of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn has been not to post about what I plan to do.. meaning TBR’s or saying I’m back for sure or.. I’m going to write this much for this long.. it usually just doesn’t work out. Proclaiming a certain level of productivity doesn’t work. I mean sometimes it does, but a lot of the time I just get tired of routine. It’s probably why I’ve never really completed a Nanowrimo. I try.. I say every time that this time will be the time it works out and after a few days everything comes to a hault.

Manly, the lesson I’ve learned is to chill out. To take my time. Not to rush anything. To give everything it’s own time (just like the song). To take care of myself and to have fun.

It’s all about balance and sometimes letting yourself be. It’s getting up and trying again and again and again. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting yourself change. It’s accepting that perfection of any kind truly doesn’t exist and that its ok and even good to fail. It’s about accepting yourself as you are and accepting yourself as you change and letting yourself change. It’s about not letting the past prevent yourself from having a beautiful present and future. Most of all, life is about truly living and truly loving with all of you in every moment and being authentic to who you are in each moment.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this reflective post. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Just a Life Update

It’s currently 1:00 a.m., I’m writing this from the E.R. mostly to keep awake, but also because I have some stuff to share and maybe in some way this could help someone else who has experienced or will experience a situation like my own. Just so no one freaks out.. currently everything is fine. I’m not here for the same reasons I have been in the past.. where my dad was not able to see and was hallucinating due to a mini stroke and with me having no clue at the time what was going on. This visit was mostly planned. However, I expected it to happen in the morning not at midnight.

I even have stuff prepared so I don’t use up too much of my phone battery. I got my Write The Story Book with me and a book to read. I’ve been here for over an hour already.

When you visit the E.R. enough times you learn a lot of compassion for other people. Because it is the great equalizer, you never know when your going to get sick or injured and need help like everyone else does every once in a while. The first couple of times I’ve been here with my dad it caused me quite the bit of grief and anxiety. It’s hard to see a parent wither away so quickly. It’s even harder when it’s expected of you to remain calm and collected about the whole thing when your mind is anything but.

This time though I don’t expect to hear anything I don’t already know. I’m just hoping my dad doesn’t get admitted again… especially when I know it’s not going to last because they are just going to say there isn’t much of anything they can do.

This blog and work has been my saving grace these past couple of weeks. On those levels things have been going well for me. Mentally I’m so much stronger then I was before and putting a concerted effort into something I have a passion for has done wonders for my mental health. When you have a loved one that has major health issues it’s important to remember to take care of yourself. To work at things that make you happy, because I know from experience that running over and over in your head all the pain and sadness only causes more of it.

Being in the hospital so often also solidified for me something I already knew, that life is short and we all need to enjoy what we can in this life we can, because what’s the point really if all we did was wallow in suffering? I’ve seen so many elderly people lying in hospital rooms just waiting to die alone (not all quite a few have families, but quite a few also, do not) and that’s not how I want to end. That’s not what I want my life to be period. Yes, we have to feel the sadness. I spent a lot of time doing just that, but when it starts to become you, that’s when things need to change.

The strokes affected my dad’s mind. He’s become so angry and bitter at everything. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see. He forgets things.. he has an unhealthy attachment to the news and whatever Trump is doing. He’s not the man I grew up looking up to. I’ve had to mourn that man even while he is still alive.

Sometimes living in an environment where the reality is that someone you love is truly losing their mind bit by bit can become toxic. I’ve learned to deal with it by realizing that my dad isn’t really my dad anymore and to not take anything he says or does personally, because it stems from hurt and sickness and him facing the reality that he is dying. I do my best not to let the truth of the situation make me bitter.. or to not let it make it so I loose my mind with the sadness as well.

So I watch films and post about them, I get back to writing about books I want to read, I hang out with friends when they ask. I choose to continue living. It’s so easy to shut down in a situation like this. To let it consume you. But another truth is that there is so much to live for. So I’m there for my family as much as I can be. I’m there for my dad. I hold myself together sitting in the very lightly cushioned hospital chairs. I try to think about good things. To smile at pictures of cats and puppies and watch stupid videos to distract myself.

It sucks sure, it sucks to have someone you love suffer. It’s even harder when it changes them and sometimes in a not so good way. But, I understand it. I really do. I’ve cried over it, I’ll probably cry over it more in the future, but It’s a balance between compassion for your loved one and compassion for yourself. It’s a fine line and there’s no rulebook for any of this.

I look at my mom and I see how tired she’s gotten. How angry because she’s the one that deals with all of dad’s pain and anger directly. So when she’s mad at me for something small I let it go even if it’s to tell me to do something I’ve already taken care of. Or something so small it doesn’t even matter. I let everything go. Because I’m not going to let this situation cause all of us to start yelling at each other all the time. Because arguments happen and they happen more often then I’d like them to. I’m trying to be someone that doesn’t add to escalating an already difficult situation. I’ve learned more patience and calmness from this situation then any other of my life. I’ve learned not to take things personally from this more then any other. But, I’m not perfect. Not even close. Sometimes I loose my cool and argue back. Sometimes, I sit and the emotions wash over me and I just let myself feel. Sometimes anger comes over me and I have to remove myself from a situation so I don’t say something I would regret. Sometimes I fail to remove myself. But, that’s all part of being human. We have emotions. We hurt. We deal with difficulty. We persevere.

This isn’t at all a pessimistic post. It’s just an honest look at something I’ve been dealing with for a long time now. It’s an honest telling of what I’ve learned from it. I don’t like hiding things. I don’t like pretending like things are better or worse then they are. For me going through this has been hard, but it is manageable and this is not at all a post for the sake of being pitied. Stuff like this happens all the time, but if I can help someone through my experience to deal with their own then I do want to candidly discuss it which is why i choose to write this in the first place.

There is always hope in every situation. There is always something to be learned. I love my family. I love my dad. I wish that none of this would have ever happened, but it’s something that can be handled in a healthy way. It is now 2:00am and I think I’m kinda losing the message I was trying to convey so I’m going to stop here.

To all those who are going through a difficult situation right now, you’ve got this! You are going to make it through. I’ll be praying and rooting for all of you. You deserve the best.

Thanks you all for reading! I send my love out to all of you.

-Till next time!

Write the Story: One of the Best Purchases I’ve ever Made

I’ve been in and out of the works with my blog and pretty much everything else for the past several months and really I’m no longer upset with myself about it, because my reason for it has been pretty solid and I’ve gotten to a immensely better and more positive mental space because of it. So really, I’m pretty proud of myself. For once I let myself rest and truly rest. For once I listened to my body when it said enough. I listened to my mind when it needed to heal from feeling sad about the circumstances of life that befell me. I got to a place where I could take care of myself and let myself binge movies I wanted to binge and let go of reading sad stories for a long time because I couldn’t handle it.

But, this also meant I wasn’t writing. When I’m upset I do mostly end up writing, but it becomes dark and spun in a way where you can read back and literally see what a negative thought spiral looks like in my head. Spoiler alert it isn’t pretty. Most of the time they stem from having an argument with a family member or someone else I love. Or even me being sad about a problem in someone else’s life. Or feeling in general like I’m not doing enough. Sometimes, writing dark can bring out more darkness in me and I will feel more pain and more sadness then I need to. So, I stopped writing.

However, that didn’t make the passion for words in me die. It didn’t mean I was going to stop reading and writing forever. Honestly, I can’t think of a worse reality for myself. But, getting back to my passion I needed a way to take baby steps and I found the solution without even looking for it or realizing truly what one of my problems was in the first place. This wonderful book I found with no price tag on it at Barnes & Noble called: Write the Story.

This book was heaven sent. It has the quickest little prompts and words you should use in each story with just 1 page to write each with. It is a challenge and a blessing all in one.

Right away I decided to write my first little story in it and I plan on continuing on and writing in this unique booklet each day.

Here is my first story in my not so pretty handwriting:

I hope that this was readable for all of you. Also, please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes I tend not to be the best speller.

I am writing this at 1 am and that’s just how excited I am to have something fun to put my energy into again. Plus, having a gateway back to reading and writing and the possibility of getting to a place where I’m generally happy and excited about being alive again is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

If you guys are interested, I could make a post once a week of all my little stories I write in this book. There’s a ton of pages and it could take me years to get through, but I think it’d be a fun addition to my blog.

As always,

-Till next time!

Feeling Good!

There was a time in my life where something small could become something heart-wrenching. Where fear ruled and took control. I feel it’s reign ending and the smoke clearing. I feel peace and hope once again knocking on my door. The beginnings of a whole new world are at my doorstep. The pain is being washed away. The anxiety is being washed away. The fear is being cut loose and I am the one standing in its wake a victor. I needed the hurt to rise above it. I needed the rest to be the foundation of my awakening. I feel good. I feel powerful. I am free. What an amazing feeling it is to finally feel good as me. The best is yet to come. There is something good to find in the every moment. I am the master of me. I am the creator of my world. I can’t wait to see what comes next. I can’t wait to show the world the stardust I’m made of. I can’t wait to see what I create. It’s going to be glorious. It’s going to be a life I am proud of. It’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! This is just a little late night poem to share an awesome breakthrough I’ve had. Things can only go up from here. I hope things are going well for all of you reading. Everyone deserves to feel this good.

-Till next time!

Captain America: The First Avenger: A Discussion

One of the strongest films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Captain America’s origin film. I don’t say this lightly. Like Iron man 2 this film brought out some tears in me and it’s a shining example of a character that has a really good and unique backstory.

First off, Captain America is first and foremost Steve Rodgers. Someone who started off as a man who longed to be a part of the military, but was rejected again and again for his lack of physique.

But, even more amazing is that once he is transformed from his once much thinner body it does nothing to his ego. He remains humble. But, even when he was thin he had this confidence and drive that was so awesome to see. He was bullied and picked on, but he remained upright and strong and that’s something to admire. But, even more then for his size he was picked on because he never let injustice pass him by. I love that a lot of the film shows Rodgers before his transformation because it gives the world a hero that wasn’t always super. He gives us a hero that shows that determination and passion are more then enough for you to become whoever you wish to be.

Then there’s the part that kills me, his budding relationship with Peggy. On there first meeting Rogers gets to see Peggy as she truly is a woman not to be trifled with. She punches a man who goes out of line and shows whose boss and the respect he has for his is instant. It’s one of the coolest female introductions ever. Especially, because she isn’t technically one of the superheroes. You don’t need powers and a fancy suit to be a badass.

Also, seeing Rogers at the boot camp is one of my favorite things. He’s obviously smaller then all the others. Not as physically fit, but he keeps pushing and pushing and he shows an ingenuity and selflessness that gets noticed and ultimately that’s what made him the perfect man to become Captain America. Plus that moment when he gets that flag and gets to ride in the car was badass. Sometimes working smarter and not harder is your biggest weapon.

Another great scene is on his way to get his procedure done. Naming all the places he’d gotten beaten up in to Peggy, but also talking to her. And then they talk about dancing and waiting for the right partner. Something about that scene melted my heart and later on it hold so much more meaning.

Then there is the overall feel of the film. The older WWII setting that gives it it’s own flare that is all its own. Even the villain, The Red Skull, has that classic villain vibe of the time. But, I feel like this film is less about the villain and his desires and more about Rodgers coming into his own and becoming the man externally that he always was internally.

What I also found exciting about the film was that it has one of my all time favorite actors Tommy Lee Jones who plays Chester Phillips.

As always Tommy plays his part perfectly. He is cynical as ever. As hard as ever. Yet, he had his signature little sprinkle of humor that has always put a smile on my face. I love that man.

On another note, I kinda love that Captain America’s original outfit looks a bit ridiculous, but also fits the time. Especially the costume one.

Rodgers is amazing in every way, but man does that outfit not do him justice. In a way it just endears me to him more. So really I’m not mad about it.

But, what I really like about this movie is the details. Like how Rodgers is casually amazing at drawing:

Or how Tony Stark’s father Howard Stark was the one who transformed Rogers:

They did an amazing job with the subtle details of the film and I love it!

But again, it’s the events that take place at the very end when Rogers gets essentially chyrogenically frozen never getting that dance with the woman he’d began to feel so much love for. This moment is the lesson that both healed and hurt me as a person the most. When you have someone you love romantically or otherwise don’t waste a moment of yours or their time letting them think that you don’t love them. It might feel dramatic, but you truly don’t know how long you or they have on this earth or what other factors you are unaware of that may separate you. It pained me because when Captain wakes up and realizes he’s way in the future and the one he loves was lost to him forever it affects him deeply and everyday he has to face that he’ll never get that time back. I felt that emotion deeply and I still do. I’ll never make the mistake of letting any of the people in my life that I care for not know that they are cared for even for a moment again.

Thanks for reading! This post is dedicated to someone I deeply care about. If you are reading this, you know who you are. Happy Birthday! I wish there was more then this that I could have done.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Choosing to Live Life Fully

After being sick for a while, I forgot once more the state of mind I had gotten myself to just before I got sick. For some reason, being sick brought out a lot of the anxious thoughts and emotions I had been feeling for a while prior. But, it is time to let those thoughts go. To set them free and give them away. They are not serving me any.

I’m living my life to the fullest this year. I may have stumbled at the start, but I’m not going to let that stop me. There is so much in this life to appreciate and enjoy so I’m going to enjoy them.

I just needed to write this to remind myself of the path I wish to take. To live my life fully, unapologetically, and without regrets. It might be a while till I can embrace this fully, but I’m going to try and try until that is my reality. Because, I want to live the life I choose.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

2019: The Year I Take Back Life for Myself

Before I had said I wasn’t ready for 2019. But, I think a few things have changed that. The first, I saw this little girl at my work yesterday and she was the feistiest happiest little girl I ever saw. She just by being alive and being as happy as could be inspired me. I’ve been wallowing over everything that I can’t change. The guy I fell in love with left me. My dad’s health isn’t doing well and continues to decline. My finical situation sucks. I’m in a job I hate. I’m not writing and I hadn’t felt motivated to do anything sense I lost the one thing that really felt good in a all the chaos.

Yet, yet that little girl she reminded me of something really important. That it’s not life that decides who you are and what you do it’s you. You can choose to shine your light or you can choose to wallow. I’m done wallowing. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life for me again. I want to be what makes me happy. Whatever that brings into my life I want to give my all into.

I may not have the guy that I fell for to dance through life with anymore, but I have myself. I will always have myself. I want to forage love for myself. I want to be mindful of my mental health and achieve great things next year.

So here are my goals for 2019:

  • To write everyday a minimum of 500 words towards one of my WIPs. Writing needs to be more of a priority in general. I have no real excuse about not making my dream a reality. If I create a daily writing habit I can finally take real steps toward eventually publishing a novel one day.
  • To not freak out when things don’t happen the way I think they will. Too often I think that somethings going to turn out a certain way or that someone is going to react one way or another and a lot of the time I’m wrong and things end up worse off then they were before. So, I’m going to be mindful of myself and take time to process a situation before I make a decision. I am also going to just be really open and honest about as much as I can and to not get so upset about things when they go awry. Getting upset doesn’t really help anyone and it certainly doesn’t help me. I’m going to leave more things up to my faith. To try and learn to recognize what things need my input and what things don’t. To give things time to dissipate on their own time and not do so much scrambling to fix things that I can’t fix.
  • To read books I Physically Own. I have many books on my shelves being neglected. Many I’m super excited to read. I just need to get my butt in gear and read them.
  • To not take things too seriously. Yes, there are things in this life that are serious and need to be thought about, however, with my mental health being what it is I need fun in my life. I need to laugh and be happy. I need to dance when I feel like it. I need to make jokes when the moment arises. I need to go out and enjoy what the world has to offer when I need to. I can’t live my life fearing what’s next all the time. Living a life full of sadness and anxiety isn’t living a life at all. And in a lot of ways this means leaving my heart open, not just to love (even if I still have only one guy in my heart, even if I’d love it for him to be back in my life, I can’t force someone to want me in their life, and so I have to accept that he let me go) but to friendships and to people in general.
  • To give Duolingo a second chance. Sometimes I forget my own neediness and desire for knowledge. I love to study things. Anything really. Take me to look at science books in a store and I’ll be interested. Language is one of the things that fascinates me. I need to continue my Spanish practice and do at least two levels of the whole tree and maybe then I can move on to a new language. All I know is daily practice is key!
  • To write a poem every day. This is going to be fun for me, because I’m planning on doing a random poetry prompt generator and putting all my poetry up on wattpad. These poems are probably going to be a bit silly, but the point of it is also to let my brain loosen up a bit. To have fun while writing something.
  • To blog daily. I hate that I often have random hiatuses where none of you know why I stopped posting for a while or what’s going on. I want to commit to blogging and have fun with it. I might have to do a little bit of planning to keep myself on track, but I don’t mind doing so so much. I know I’m capable of it so I’m going to give it a go.
  • To meditate daily. Meditation is one of those little things that has really helped me stay sane. I haven’t been doing it much recently and I need to find my way back to it.
  • To take my mental health seriously. Recently, due to my very terribly timed break up with someone I never wanted to loose my mental health suffered greatly. My eating was weird because there were times where nothing tasted good and It’s caused me to want to throw up. I’ve cried a lot. Even though I’m trying to move forward I still want to cry now. The missing feels like I have a hole where my heart used to be, but at the same time I feel so much love for him there and it’s as if my heart refuses to believe it’s all over. The strangest things remind me of him and as positive as I’m trying to be sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and let the world swallow me whole. It hurts a lot. I feel like I lost something truly beautiful. I feel like I lost something truly right. Because of these feeling I hurt and at the most random of times. I’ll cry alone in the storage room at work or in the shower or just walking anywhere. I need to make it a point to be good to myself and take things slow. Yes, I want to start doing things again. I don’t like to feel like things out of my control have gotten the best of me. I want to move forward with my life and remember that what’s meant to be will happen and nothing can stop it. That whoever I’m meant to be with is out there and if it’s the guy I fell for then he’d be there for me, but if not then someone really awesome is waiting for me and they deserve me at my best. That I deserve to be my best self for me. So I’m going to be kind to myself in 2019. I’m going to get productive, but I’m also going to be good to myself.
  • To maintain my eating/exercise habits. My body already looks better now then it ever did. I weigh less then I did in high school. My sister subscribed to a workout program online called Les Miles. Over the past few weeks I’ve been exercising a whole lot more and it’s been a lot of fun. In 2019, I want to work on my physical health and find strength both physically and mentally.
  • To work on a business project. Hopefully this works out the way I hope it will, because then I’ll have my own little business to keep up and running in 2019! It’s at the basic stages right now, but hopefully I’ll be selling some very special products in the new year!
  • To find and wear clothing that makes me feel good. I don’t talk about it much, but I do appreciate fashion. I don’t wear stuff that I actually like wearing often at all because in my job I have a uniform and everything gets dirty and I end up feeling like a potato at work, but I want to make some opportunities to look nice outside of work for myself. Especially now that I’m really starting to love how my body actually looks.
  • To keep up a daily journal. Sometimes it can feel cathartic to keep up a journal. To remember that you can feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next. Plus, it will be a nice little something to look back on. Who knows what each day will bring?
  • To stretch daily. I’ve always wanted to be flexible, but I give up on it far too often. I want to make it a point to work at least a little towards it everyday. Who knows? Maybe the impossible split isn’t impossible?
  • To choose myself. I have a bad habit of doing things to please other people. To put others needs before my own. Even to let others problems become mine. I’m an empath and even reading a fictional story can leave me balling. I need to start choosing myself. To do what I feel is right for me. To make myself a priority. To listen to myself and do things that make me happy and that are genuinely good for me.
  • To interact with fellow bloggers again. I’ve been dreadfully inactive in this community. I miss reading and commenting on everyone’s blogs. I’m going to make it a point to start commenting again more often in the new year.
  • To reduce my anxiety and depression. Recently, I’ve been really working hard on this part of myself. These feelings internally are hard to ignore. A big thing for me is going to be working on seeing positives in life. To take little pieces of happiness wherever I can find it. To give in to what God and the universe has in store for me and to stop trying to control it.

2019 and the rest of my life is coming weather I’m ready or not. What’s going to happen with life is going to happen no matter what. I can’t forget to enjoy life. I can’t let myself go through life feeling broken. I need to enjoy what I’ve got. To have fun. To be my best self. I have not handled many of the recent events in my life well. I made some poor decisions that I regret. Healing in the new year may take time. I know getting back to myself will take time, but eventually I’ll get there. When I finally do I can’t wait to see what the world has in store for me. 2019 will be a year of hard work, but it will be incredible to see who I become once it is over.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My 20th Birthday

Today, December 17th, is my birthday. For many people a birthday is something special and something celebratory. For me most of the time it feels like just another day of life. Yeah, I get well wishes and congratulations, but honestly if I didn’t mention my birthday was coming up to anyone no one would be the wiser.

That’s something I’ve come to terms with over the years. Having a December birthday can be weird because everyone’s scrambling for gifts for their loved ones for Christmas and frankly I understand that that’s what is and should be more important to people. A lot of the time too gifts for a December birthday and Christmas are rolled into one and you learn that that’s just what it is.

The point that I’m trying to make is, I’ve learned that the day of my birth isn’t all that special, but I can use it as a way to gather what I’ve accomplished in that year of life and what I want to do in the future.

So this year in my life I want to try and accomplish goals I’ve wanted to achieve for years. Like writing everyday and exercising when I can. But I also want to make it a point to be happier. To do as many things as I can that make me happy. To ask when I want something. To not feel so guilty about wanting things for myself.

I also want to tell my future self that no matter what happens this year to be more mindful and chill out a bit before making any decisions. To take life a little more calmly. But at the same time to not hold back and take chances.

There is no reason that the 20th year of my life can’t be one of the best years of my life. I just got to have faith and do what feels right.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Going to Be Better in December

This month I don’t really have any plans in particular. I’m just going to focus on getting my mind and body into a healthier state and doing things I love to do. It’s Christmas Season! I have a lot of things to look forward to.

One thing that is weird for me is that in two weeks time I will be 20 years old. This feels strange because it’s just a reminder that I’ve barely started my life. I’m not even if legal drinking age yet, I have so much future to live for.

I think this month I’m going to remember who I am. A girl who loves books and cares deeply about her family. Someone who dreams of being a writer and fears writing for very little real reason. Who loves music and dancing and having fun. Who loves Christmas. Who cares about people. I’m not going to let what has gone and past affect me anymore. I need to move forward. I will move forward. I will be a better me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have books yet to be read. I have a roof over my head. My Dad is still here. I have stories to be written. I just need to change my perspective.

So this December I’m going to dedicate myself to heal. To give myself a chance. To enjoy life again. To smile and mean it.

Thanks for reading! I’m sorry about all the life posts recently. I haven’t been reading as much recently and with everything that’s been going on, I’ve been struggling to get back on track. Things should be back on track very soon!

-Till next time!

I Don’t Write Enough to be A Writer

Everyday, I wake up to the same things, white walls, bookshelves surrounding a Television, and the need to go right back to sleep. I get tired a lot. Mostly because my life feels like a bubble that never changes and yet is now more different then it ever was. I get up, maybe write a blog post, get ready for work, actually go to work, and come home exhausted. I then decide to watch some YouTube or a movie or read or something, because I can never go right to sleep. I do not however, to the one thing that I should be doing. Which is write.

I was doing better with this. I had a plan, but now I’m just not feeling up to it. Even though I want to be. I talk a lot about passion. I talk a lot about one day wanting to be a writer who can keep afloat from just writing alone. To make that my reality, but what good is that when I don’t let myself actually write? When I think about it, it makes me want to get a bit jaded. Will I ever get myself to write as much as I know I could and should be?

I feel like I need an out. From the sameness, from being exactly where I was a year ago even though technically nothing is like it used to be. This is the most jaded I’ve been in a while, but it’s all leading to something. It’s leading to me realizing a few things. One.. I just need to write and let go of the fear that comes with it. I also need to change the way I react when things go awry. Recently, life has been up and down and all over, but it’s still good. I need to remember that and stop my tendency to shut down.

I need to find my new balance and it’s been a struggle to do so recently. Especially when I want to watch videos and do anything to escape reality. But that doesn’t work. It never has. It’s what I always did before and it’s never worked. So instead I’m going to remember a few things. One, the person who cares about me most in the world would want me to be happy. That they believe in me and in my writing. Two, that I myself want to see me do some awesome things and come out of this sameness on my own. To turn my life into something amazing. Three, that my dream is possible. That all my dreams are possible. Fourth, that I’m the one that’s making things way more difficult then they have to be. Things can be simple. I just have to put my mind to doing what I should be.

So right now, I may not be writing enough, but I will be. I’m going to do my best to take another shot at my ultimate goal. This is my dream for myself. To write stories that make people feel something. So I will.

I don’t have control over a lot of things in my life. There are a lot of have to’s and things I don’t particularly want to do or have happen that happen anyway. But I do have control over pursuing what I believe in. In actually trying to make something of myself. I can choose to act or I can choose to not do anything at all. So I’m going to choose action, because even if I do sometimes get frustrated and jaded with life and all that’s happening I have always been a person to get back up and try again.

So one day when I look back on this in the future and I’m actually an author. I’ll probably tell myself that I was writing a bit and maybe I was being to hard on myself, but the truth is I’ll be grateful for it. Because then I’ll be able to say that I did become a true writer and feel proud.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!