My 3rd Blogoversery!!!!

This is my 3rd blogoversery. Officially I’ve been blogging for over 3 years! It’s been an incredible journey and I can’t say how incredibly it has changed my life.

Blogging has been my anchor in what was the most difficult period of my life. It was my something to do to pull myself above water and to take responsibility for my own happiness and health.

Through blogging I had a place to discuss my moods and my depression and through that I started to see what triggered it and how to find a way out. It helped me sit one on one with my anxiety and how I couldn’t continue on the way I was before. I learned how to flip the script in my mind to appreciate what I had in front of me. To honor my wants and desires and to let go of everything not in my control.

What I blog about and how often I do so has changed much. I do the best I can when I can. But, if I don’t feel like it that day or didn’t have the time I let that be ok. So many of you have stuck with me for so long. Some of you I’ve talked to personally about some of the more difficult things that have happened. Doing so has helped me immensely and I am grateful to those of you who know who you are.

I can’t say enough how amazing it is to be in a better place now mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is to say I still have bad days, but they don’t dictate my life. I’m human. I’ve learned to hold onto the good and let go of all the rest. The amount of good that has come from that choice has been infinite and I know that an infinite of good is what’s out there for me.

To every single person who follows and reads my content, Thank you! If anything I’ve ever said has made you smile or think a little deeper or helped you in any way whatsoever I’ve done my job as a blogger. Thank you all for being there. You have truly changed my life!

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Yesterday’s Wordcount: 0

Real Talk

I know I do this a lot. But, for me it’s the easiest way to process a lot of the stuff that’s going through my mind. As well as sharing my process into becoming the best version of myself I can be, because I think that’s helpful. To hear about healing and growth from someone who is still figuring stuff out.

Also, to know that you shouldn’t have to figure everything out at once. I feel like we all put so much pressure on ourselves to be one way or another, but it’s all not necessary. If we all just do the best we can at a moment. Even if our best is simply showing ourselves a little self-care then that’s golden!

Im my life I’m proud that I’ve gotten to a place where I’m more often happy then not. Honestly, a majority of my life wasn’t like that and it wasn’t my fault. I’ve realized a lot of things that I thought were terrible parts of me aren’t actually so terrible.. just human. This isn’t to say I don’t make myself accountable for mistakes I made, but I no longer define who I am by my mistakes. I course correct. I remind myself to do my best in every situation and to be kind and I move forward.

But, more recently I’ve added be happy to that too. To follow anything that adds to my happiness. And the weird thing is I’ve realized that people actually prefer me happy. That might be a weird thing, but in my mind I didn’t really think people much cared or noticed if I was happy or not, but they do. It’s also interesting that the happier I am the more blessings that follow. The other day I found a 5 dollar bill on the floor and no one else seemed to see it. My coworkers often offer to share food with me (which is a thing in itself.. I swear people always offer me food). A random customer gave me one of the perfume samples she got after I complimented her perfume. I’ve also had more coffee in the past few weeks then I’ve had in my whole life.

It’s like being happy=more things to be happy about. I’m not complaining. It’s opened a whole new world before me. The past few days I’ve sorta been not focusing on it as much as I should only because I’ve been working so much. But, talking here is helping me to refocus and think about how things are working out in a beautiful way even if I can’t see how in various situations yet. Sometimes there are blessings that come from the shadows and your perceptive shifts in an instant and everything changes.

Anyway, I’m headed to sleep, but this was a nice little thought bubble post. Your input is much appreciated.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

Yesterday’s Wordcount: 0

An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

-Till next time!

Thoughts on Life

It’s 1 am, I played Town of Salem for the first time and loved every second of playing. I am tired, but I am happy. I don’t know what it is about me going on and doing normal stuff that gets me to think so existentially, but I guess that’s just how my brain works.

The saying that life is what you make of it is incredibly true. Whatever you want life to be about you can make it that way. If you want to work really hard and follow a dream you really love you can. If you feel like binging a tv show and relaxing all day you can. No matter what the situation is you have a choice.

I’ve learned that for me, so long as I choose myself and choose my happiness I can’t go wrong. People in the world might care about me, but at the end of the day I have to be my own best friend, therapist, motivational coach, teacher, and on and on. I have to be the one that values myself. Otherwise, how can expect everyone else to value me.

I can choose to let the world cave in (and sometimes it feels like it wants to) or I can push back and choose to do the best I can wherever I’m at in life no matter how low or high that point may be. As I choose myself I also have to value others choosing themselves and understand that they like I am are doing the best they can at the place they are at in life.

It’s a great lesson of radical compassion, for myself and for others. When I make myself accountable in every moment and really see why I have done what I have I can work to be the me I want to be. Now, I realize that I am the me that I want to be.

Putting all passions and hopes for the future aside, who I am now is exactly who I want to be. I care deeply about my family, my friends, animals, anyone I’ve ever loved, even if a stranger is having a rough day. I may have felt with depression and putting myself down, but it’s not something I do anymore.. I lift myself up in every moment. I am an open book. As honest as I ever wanted to be. I am who I am to every person I meet. I am working towards my goals, yet I’m not overextending myself. I am no longer afraid of the future. I am wholly myself.

I let go of some old feelings I didn’t want to admit to myself today and it put me in a yucky mood, yet right after instead of wallowing I decided to watch some videos that lead me to downloading and playing a game that I really enjoy.

Yeah, I’m very critical when I think. Critical of myself and it can lead me astray sometimes, but I’m starting to see the parts of myself I didn’t like before as assets. Even the simple stuff like liking my nose now when I used to really dislike it.

I guess I’m writing this to say this: if you want you can choose the person who you wish to be right now and with small steps you’ll see you can smile in the mirror for tomorrow. That life only has the meaning that you give it. So live the best life that you possibly can with the definition you feel is best for you.

As one lovely human said to me once, “I’m living my best life not my depressed life.” And that’s what I’m choosing to do every single day.

Thank you all for reading! Much love to all of you!

Check out the Wolfe Creek candles website!

-Till next time!

Feeling Proud

I haven’t felt this way in a very long time towards myself. But, I feel proud. I’ve been posting daily and I have a better way of going about it so that I still get a lot of time to be in my own head and do things I’m happy to do.

I have goals that I’m working on getting to accomplish. I have a much more peaceful time at work and I enjoy my coworkers. I feel at peace with my situation and am dedicated to my own happiness. When this goes up I will be at six flags with my family after not having gone for a few years and I know I’m going to really enjoy being there.

I also make sure to put myself first more often. To let others help me when they offer to. To truly be present in the moments I have. I’m proud. Proud because there was a time not so long ago that I didn’t go very long without crying. Proud because I give myself the proper space and time when I do want to cry. Proud because I am valuing myself and valuing how I feel. Proud because I’m honoring my feelings while maintaining that the next moment will be a brighter one.

I feel I can say now that I am happy. That I’ve grown emotionally and mentally in ways I never expected. I’m proud because I’m expecting a brighter future. I’m expecting good in my life and a whole lot of good has already come. I have people in my life that I care about. Not just my family, but friends too old and new. People who genuinely care about me as well.

I have people I’ve met on here that I love speaking with whenever I get the chance, people who have been of great support to me and who have raised me up.

I normally don’t mention religion in my posts, but I feel closer to God as well. I feel his guidance when I need it and with each step forward I feel his encouragement and I am grateful for it.

I feel good. Really really good. I feel like that’s something worth talking about and celebrating.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. You are all amazing and beautiful people. Thank you for being a part of my blogging journey! Without all of you, I’d be in a much different place in life.

-Till next time!

Life is Beautiful

I’ve talked about my life a lot on the blog. I’ve talked about some of my deepest struggles and some of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve talked about my relationship with mental illness and my bouts of depression and anxiety as well as feelings of things just going horribly and unchangeably wrong at various points of my life.

It took me many a break from blogging and from productivity in general to pull myself free from negative thinking and negative cycles. Because no after how many things go wrong in life its how you deal with it that matters and for a while I couldn’t see past my own pain and grief to see all the good that life has to offer.

Life is all about perspective. Sometimes there is value in letting yourself feel hurt, but becoming the hurt and the guilt doesn’t serve you or anyone else. One of the things I’ve worked deeply on in myself is not feeling like a victim. Letting go of the idea that anyone else’s actions have anything to do with me and accepting my situation for what it is so that i can make the best of it.

One thing I despise is pity or being in a state where everything feels like it sucks. I was once in a point of my life where that’s all I could see. The awful line up of events in my life that came up one after the other, but I’ve given up my power to them for way too long.

Life is beautiful. I am not defined by the things that caused me pain. Especially not the pain that was self-inflicted by my own mind. Which, truly was the biggest part of it. I am not someone who will ever choose to stay stuck. I might need to simmer in my sadness for a while, but I always come out of it. Without exception.

I am making my happiness my main priority. My marvel posts and posts like this one are a big part of that. I take care of myself with so much more care then I once did and I value myself so much more as well. For once in a very long time I feel whole.

You can choose to dance with the darkness in yourself or become one with it. I choose to dance with it. To understand it and to remind it of all the light the world has to offer. This world is so beautiful. Full of creatures that live their lives to the fullest. Full of nature and music. Full of reasons to laugh and be joyful. Full of reasons to dance.

That is what I am choosing to focus on. Enjoying friendships. Enjoying the ability to try new things. Enjoying a new found sense of peace. I get to create the story of what is to be my life and I want to make it a good one, not only that, but a happy one and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make it so i go out of this life with a smile. Because life truly is beautiful and there is so much to be grateful for.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Ten Things That Bring Me Joy

I’ve been feeling a little down recently. Going to the hospital the last time while it was long, but not the worst experience, brought down my energy quite a bit. Sometimes, when things get me down I need a little break to rebalance myself and think about things (which sometimes gets me to be a little more on the sadder side, but I digress).

Anyway, I really don’t want to continue in that feeling for very long. So, I’m going to talk about some things that bring me a great amount of joy instead.

The following is in no particular order:

1. Seeing/touching/being with Animals!

I adore watching animal videos. I love seeing animals. I don’t really care what kind. I’ll talk to a lizard or a turtle in the same way I might talk to a puppy. I just appreciate and love any and all animals. No matter how derpy. No matter how spooky. No matter how gross (I’m looking at you blob fish). If it’s a critter and it’s in my presence I’m filled with so much love and joy just to be around them. That’s just who I am.

2. Eating Ice Cream

I’m a simple human. I love me some cold and delicious sugar cream. I love to try out different flavors and combinations. I love adding toppings to it. I just love ice cream.

3. Reading a good Book

The girl who has a book blog cannot have this list be completed without mentioning the thing she never shuts up about. I love books. I’ll never stop loving books. I’m so happy that I’m reading again, let me tell you, I was so not ok with the fact that I couldn’t read for a while. I’ve been heading out to buy books recently. I’m almost finished with an arc I’m going to review. I’m just so happy to be reading again.

4. BBQ Sauce

This is where I probably deviate from many of you, but I love this sauce. I had it once as a kid and since then every time I have it, it makes me feel like a kid again. Honestly, this sauce is my drug of choice and I know it’s probably not good for me, but I could put it on almost anything. It’s my addiction.

5. Good Music

I have a deep love for music. Growing up I didn’t really feel that way. I would only get to hear the radio stations my family enjoyed and it was all older songs for the most part. Then in elementary and middle school I found I had a love for Hannah Montana that since died, but also during that time I first heard songs from David Guetta and since then I’ve had an intense love of EDM music. But my tastes are pretty widespread and I’m not afraid to branch out at all. The only genre I didn’t like at all growing up was country (and some rap), but I’ve been trying to give it a chance recently (it’s a minimal chance, but still a chance). Either way, I love listening to it and it will always be a deep part of my life.

6. Dancing

I love to dance and it’s probably why edm is the bulk of what I listen to. I’m not really a good dancer. I remember being in a dance recital in kindergarten and loving it, but I haven’t had any other sort of formal training at all since.. so basically it’s at zero. But, I move based off of how the music makes me feel and the joy of it is all that matters to me. It’s so freeing and there really isn’t anything like it.

7. Going on Roller Coasters

I am a little bit of an adrenaline junkie. I will go on pretty much any roller coaster at this time and I have no fear of heights so a lot of the time it’s just a super joyful experience for me. The wind in my face looking down at beautiful scenery. It makes you feel so alive. That’s what I love about it.

8. Watching people create art

I’ve always loved art, but most of all I love to see how it comes together. I love seeing the decisions being made right in front of me. The creation of something from nothing, but the person’s imagination. Artists are Incredible. I’m fascinated by them. Especially when I’m so bad at creating art myself.

9. Sitting/being outside

I really love being in nature. Especially at a park and seeing all the birds, animals, and bugs just living their lives. Especially if I find a rolley Polly in the grass. I love picking up rolley pollies. I don’t care how childish that is, I love the little grey bugs.

10. The Stupidest YouTube videos I can find

Sometimes I try to hide how dumb my sense of humor is and how low a bar it has, but it exists and it brings me joy and that’s all that matters.

Thank you all for reading! This post was a joy to write. I’d love to hear some things that being you all happiness in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Some Lessons I’ve Learned from Life and Blogging

I really don’t know why I wanted to discuss this right now. Maybe, it’s mostly just so I can remember that I have made progress in my life even if technically looks pretty similar to what it was only a year ago.

I have big dreams for my life. I want to be an author and share stories with anyone willing to read them with the hopes that my stories would effect someone’s life the way stories have affected my life.

One of my biggest issues has been wanting to do everything all at once and not making things manageable for myself. I have a tendency to want it all. The success, the many finished books in my back poker, the “perfect” relationship (mind you my definition of perfect in this case is pretty imperfect, but explaining this would take way too long.. mostly I just want to have a relationship where someone works side by side with me and we both support each other), to have my family relationship to be good, to feel good in my own skin, to be fluent in a second language.. and the list goes on. There are so many goals I have for myself and chasing after all of them causes me to burn out more often then not.

Life has thrown many a wrench in my life and from this challenges I’ve learned to slow the hell down. I don’t know how long I have on this earth and it’s part of the reason I feel the need to move quickly at times, but it causes me to want to jump to the end of things instead of enjoying every step of every part of my journey. It’s so important to take the time to put your full attention to each step of something and not just the beginning and the end. Sometimes grinding is necessary. Sometimes, rest is necessary. Giving the time needed for each part of something will make a better whole in the long run.

But, the most important thing of all is to remember to truly live your life and not get into the habit of just existing. Honestly, it’s the reason I never started freelancing, because even if I do believe it might be a lucrative venture for me in the long run.. writing about stuff I don’t care for isn’t something I ever want to do. However, I have a delightful announcement that I’m going to make at a later date that is a venture that I’m proud to begin.

I feel like I’ve touched on something of this from my life Update post, but with my home situation being what it is, I’ve learned a level of patience that I never thought I’d learn. My level to get annoyed by something has increased dramatically. My ability to understand has increased dramatically. The amount it takes before stress gets me to break down has increased. Even my tolerance for my own failings and my patience with myself has increased a ton. When I think about where I am now from where I was I feel like I’ve evolved from Mew to Mew 2.

As far as lessons from blogging, I’ve learned when to take breaks. I’ve learned also to plan things out, but also to write whatever I want when I want. I know that if I structure things too much I end up getting bored and that’s not what I want to happen with something I love doing so much. I try not to plan posts more then a day ahead. I may have types of posts and set projects, but when they go up is kept as loose as possible.

However, one of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn has been not to post about what I plan to do.. meaning TBR’s or saying I’m back for sure or.. I’m going to write this much for this long.. it usually just doesn’t work out. Proclaiming a certain level of productivity doesn’t work. I mean sometimes it does, but a lot of the time I just get tired of routine. It’s probably why I’ve never really completed a Nanowrimo. I try.. I say every time that this time will be the time it works out and after a few days everything comes to a hault.

Manly, the lesson I’ve learned is to chill out. To take my time. Not to rush anything. To give everything it’s own time (just like the song). To take care of myself and to have fun.

It’s all about balance and sometimes letting yourself be. It’s getting up and trying again and again and again. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting yourself change. It’s accepting that perfection of any kind truly doesn’t exist and that its ok and even good to fail. It’s about accepting yourself as you are and accepting yourself as you change and letting yourself change. It’s about not letting the past prevent yourself from having a beautiful present and future. Most of all, life is about truly living and truly loving with all of you in every moment and being authentic to who you are in each moment.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this reflective post. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Write the Story: One of the Best Purchases I’ve ever Made

I’ve been in and out of the works with my blog and pretty much everything else for the past several months and really I’m no longer upset with myself about it, because my reason for it has been pretty solid and I’ve gotten to a immensely better and more positive mental space because of it. So really, I’m pretty proud of myself. For once I let myself rest and truly rest. For once I listened to my body when it said enough. I listened to my mind when it needed to heal from feeling sad about the circumstances of life that befell me. I got to a place where I could take care of myself and let myself binge movies I wanted to binge and let go of reading sad stories for a long time because I couldn’t handle it.

But, this also meant I wasn’t writing. When I’m upset I do mostly end up writing, but it becomes dark and spun in a way where you can read back and literally see what a negative thought spiral looks like in my head. Spoiler alert it isn’t pretty. Most of the time they stem from having an argument with a family member or someone else I love. Or even me being sad about a problem in someone else’s life. Or feeling in general like I’m not doing enough. Sometimes, writing dark can bring out more darkness in me and I will feel more pain and more sadness then I need to. So, I stopped writing.

However, that didn’t make the passion for words in me die. It didn’t mean I was going to stop reading and writing forever. Honestly, I can’t think of a worse reality for myself. But, getting back to my passion I needed a way to take baby steps and I found the solution without even looking for it or realizing truly what one of my problems was in the first place. This wonderful book I found with no price tag on it at Barnes & Noble called: Write the Story.

This book was heaven sent. It has the quickest little prompts and words you should use in each story with just 1 page to write each with. It is a challenge and a blessing all in one.

Right away I decided to write my first little story in it and I plan on continuing on and writing in this unique booklet each day.

Here is my first story in my not so pretty handwriting:

I hope that this was readable for all of you. Also, please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes I tend not to be the best speller.

I am writing this at 1 am and that’s just how excited I am to have something fun to put my energy into again. Plus, having a gateway back to reading and writing and the possibility of getting to a place where I’m generally happy and excited about being alive again is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

If you guys are interested, I could make a post once a week of all my little stories I write in this book. There’s a ton of pages and it could take me years to get through, but I think it’d be a fun addition to my blog.

As always,

-Till next time!

I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!