I Have Work To Do

I have a lot of problems with getting myself to do what I’m aching to do. It has effected a lot of my life and because my life has been so messy all the time recently I feel like I might as well surrender to the mess and go with the chaos and just do what I want.

So my plan is simple. Decide what I want to do and do it. First things first. The reason I haven’t posted since the last post was I got scammed twice, lost myself to depression, and found comfort in my many conversations with my partner after. To put it colorfully I fucked up. The anxiety kept me from school work and because it was my last week of the term I became a hermit and could only do school work for a time.

The great part is this. I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of so much outside bullshit happening and I’m ready to actually just focus and take the world by storm. My world.

I’m not here to convince anyone to be, do, or think a certain way. I’m here to share myself and my ideas and learn and create and become more and different all the time. On my journey, I share what I feel should be shared in order to give something to others to connect with and feel inspired from on their own journeys.

I’m here to have fun and share fun and to mess up and to do really really well and to love and jump and dance and decide and I am finally ready to live. To live for me. To live and just give my damn soul to my desires. To feel vigorously and beautifully alive.

So firstly I am going to do one of the most fun and incredible things by finally writing my Scooby doo fanfic. I have wanted to do this for so long. I have loved Scooby Doo since I was a child. One of my favorite pictures in the world is one of me in the mystery machine that happened to be serviced at an auto repair place. My heart lit up to be there.

I want to write a mystery for our beloved Mystery Inc. friends to solve. Maybe make it a little darker then our friends tend to experience, but still at the heart Scooby Dooby Doo. Once it’s finished I’ll either publish it on wattpad or figure out another place to publish it, but regardless this is something I would like you all to experience and read.

This also means watching some of the movies and tv shows of Scooby for research and seeing at the heart what makes Scooby so great and how I can make a story that unique yet still holds that Scooby Doo specialness at the center.

Believing in myself to write this passion project will be the first time in a long time I’ve allowed myself to honor myself and let go of doubt. Doubt does nothing to serve me. It’s crippled me. It’s made me think I’m a failure. It’s driven me to inaction again and again and I say enough. It’s enough.

I am here. I am going to read and write and play games and write whatever posts I damn well please on this blog. I will do it everyday that I can.

Another thing that sets my heart on fire is learning some dances because it pleases me. So I will do that as well. Maybe, I’ll post video on here at some point. Maybe I’ll keep it to myself. Either way I’m going to have fun.

Also, exploring makeup more. I wear makeup most days and I love to experiment, but there’s never too much of that and I think when I’m more confident I’ll share some looks on instagram and see what comes of it.

The last thing that’s important to me to mention is continuing my best thing that happened in a day journal going. Even on days that are extremely depressing. I want to remember that there is good in every day.

I realize now with the fact I haven’t given up. In spite of everything. That I’m here typing this right now at almost 3 am. That that’s how done I am with inaction. As well as the complete joy I feel writing this. Now I can truly say I am back and here to stay. So much to come. I am ready now.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Join me in my live streams on Twitch! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

If you’d like a quality candle check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Advertisement

Becoming StarsWolfe

One of my favorite things to do for many years to get myself feeling more positive has always been to watch people stream and play video games. For a long time it felt like a pipe dream. I was very aware of the things I didn’t have that would make streaming in the first place impossible. Things like a camera or a good computer I could edit on or even simply the time to stream at all.

However, after many life issues popping up I decided to myself to focus on what I do have. I have a ps5 and a tv I can play it on. I don’t need to have the rest of the supplies just yet to rig a character I can start vtubing as. To start, when I have the time in the mornings to play I can stream it. Over time it can build up on its own.

I have plenty of games I want to play and try to platinum. On my own I’ve been playing and working on getting the platinum for God of War Ragnorok on Give me God of War mode. Streaming the rest of that journey will be so much fun.

Currently I am 18% of the way to getting the platinum for it and there’s plenty more to go. My goal is that every morning for 2 hours or so I’ll be able to stream. Sometimes I’ll stream alone playing single player games and sometimes I’ll be playing with my best friend whatever game she’s excited about playing.

I know I have to take it day by day. However, everyday when I get up now I feel the excitement of doing something that feels so good. Doing something I always wanted to do. Something that had always been a comfort to me when I’d watch videos online. Starting to be able to do that for others and giving people something positive and fun to attach themselves to is a joy to me.

Come have fun with me and watch me stream!

https://twitch.tv/starswolfe

And here’s a link to my current streaming schedule: https://m.twitch.tv/starswolfe/schedule

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

If you’d like a quality candle check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Why I Haven’t Been Blogging

A long time ago now, when I first started blogging, I used to blog practically everyday. I read like my life depended on it and I never let myself miss days. Then life happened and I stopped for a while and I’d restart over and over and over again and it’d be ok for a while, but it wouldn’t last. I haven’t gotten myself to make it stick.

In the meantime I’ve gotten myself so far behind as far as books to read and review and posts to create that a lot of the time it feels impossible when I try to come back.

In March in particular, I started college again. I am study to be a pharmacy technician and eventually to become a full pharmacist. I need a better job and the ability to increase my income for my family. Along with the heavy class workload im still working as many hours as I was before and honestly, I’ve just felt myself get exhausted and all I’ll want to do is watch a movie or YouTube or play Fortnite with my friends at the end of the day.

I’ve gotten pretty overwhelmed with life. I want to read and write and blog too, but I can’t seem to get into the mind frame I need to continue and it breaks my heart.

However, last night, I had a particularly awful night and my dad has deteriorated further and it causes him to yell and be angry a lot of the time. I’d just finished watching ‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ which had already put me into a weird mindset and then I helped my sister put my dog into her harness and she bit me (it was my fault not the dogs). I felt this odd sense of going through motions and feeling the solid ground of life crumbling beneath me.

At this point I’d started to cry and I’d texted my partner all that had happened. Then, they started talking to me about this story they’d come up with a long time ago. It was about a hero who felt burdened by his power. His power that was so unique and special yet so fragile. A power that temporarily relieved ailments in a marble and the bigger the ailment the more fragile the marble. As I asked them for more details about it I felt myself calm down. Then, I’d said “You know I need a bit of that right now.” And they told me that my situation is what inspired this in the first place.

I was floored. I felt seen and loved and stunned when they told me that they’d come up with it a few months into us dating and hadn’t told me about it till now. It made me appreciate them for the person they were. It also made me want to write again. It reminded me of that feeling of discovering how a story is created bit by bit. It also made me feel that my partner is and always has been perfect for me.

My life has been in a lot of turmoil the past couple of years. I’ve had Abdiel by my side for over 2 years and they’ve given me a peace and a hope during all the crap I’ve been given for all of that time.

When I talk to them I realize that I can focus so heavily on the pain that sometimes I miss the joy that is standing right there in front of me. Abdiel who thought up a character that’d give me a short bit of relief from the life I live. That would give me a moment of joy. That is one of the purest forms of love I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want to blog again. I want to write stories again. To give others that feeling my partner gave to me in such a beautiful way. Things in life have been messy and it’s not really going to get any better. However, I can chose to give myself time for my passion and to give myself and others that temporary relief in life, because sometimes that’s all we’re really needing and searching for.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER! 

Check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My Blog is Now Monetized 🎉

Yesterday afternoon I decided to upgrade my site and join WordPress Ads! I have been blogging for years without being monetized and finally I’m opening the door to start getting paid for my passion.

Of course, this is only the first step towards starting to get paid for my blog. I will be looking into other avenues as time passes as well. Prior WordPress was always putting ads on my blog posts that I wasn’t getting paid for. So now, I’ll be getting a bit of income myself for all the work I do blogging.

From there I also want to explore more what having an upgraded site means and what it’ll offer me in the future. I’m excited to spend time and see if I can redesign my blog a bit and add things to it over the course of this next year.

Who knows? Maybe I can start to make a real source of extra income from doing what I’ve always loved to do.

One of the main reasons I did this is because I’m working with an injury that needs to be healed. If I can manage to make extra enough maybe it’ll be possible for me to take time off of work and be able to rest my wrists so they can make a full recovery.

The other reason was it’s about time. I love writing about books and being a part of the WordPress community. It was about time I started to make a bit of income from it.

If anyone has any advice for me about monetizing a blog or any resources I should look into let me know down in the comments! Also, if you all have any information about Word Ads and how well it’s worked for you, let me know in the comments as well.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to buy me a Kofi!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Watching: Gunpowder Milkshake

It was pulling me to watch this film with every part of my being so, I let myself enjoy it and I absolutely adored it.

This film was funny a good bit gorey and a whole lot of fun. I loved the imagery of it. The neon and the milkshakes themselves really stood out. The diner-esque set ups that weren’t just the diner itself. The dentist hospital with the very neon feel. The gorgeous library that had some of the most beautiful themed rooms.

Every single fight was absolutely 100% unique. The curiosity became how would Sam kill next? She was someone you couldn’t look away from and the way she fought was so different based on the situation presented to her. Everything was made to be a weapon. Weather that be a gun, a milkshake, a bowling ball case, or a car. There was no thing that wouldn’t be utilized by Sam.

The story too was so much fun. She’s an assassin taking care of a little girl who is the daughter of a man she kills. All of it is so lovely. The connection she makes to her. The connection that Sam’s mom broke when Sam was young. How it all connects and comes together at the end.

I loved this movie. I was smiling and excited and so curious at every moment. I loved Emily the little girl Sam protects and how brave she was and how she declares herself as an apprentice.

This movie is so fluid and so cool. Almost like watching a dance routine. Definitely a lot of the fights felt that way. It was so awesome to watch!

All in all, there’s not much more I can say, but that I felt so happy watching this movie. I didn’t stop smiling and I had a blast. It’s a glorious bit of fun.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

ICheck out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Inspiration from Old Places

Randomly I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and Wattpad came up. It was a site I used to read so many books on, but also it is the place where I wrote my first ever book. It is short and bite sized and it is called “Confessions of a Teenage Writer”

I wrote this while hoping to finish at least one other draft of a novel. Yet, this became the first thing I ever finished and I’ve only finished one other draft of something since.

Looking back and reading the comments on this book made me want to sob. I hadn’t really looked at this book or anything on Wattpad since 2016. Yet, when I wrote it I realized I had effected others. I had accomplished what I had wanted to do so badly and so early on.

People had connected with my work. They had thought it beautiful. They’d encouraged me to keep writing, but in their eyes I already was a writer. The titles I have not thought I could claim for myself in recent years, but I am both writer and author. Again I feel the tears come.

Lately, I have been able to start the process of writing again. Currently, my project is in the idea phase. I truly don’t know much about it and it’s come in bits and pieces. Lately, everything in my life has felt like a gentle stream nudging me back to the passion I have had for so many years, to write.

For a single day at my work there was a young girl that came and of all things she wanted to be a writer. She worked for a day only. Yet, listening to her. Hearing how she hadn’t finished anything because she had all these ideas in her head and couldn’t commit to one I felt so inspired and nostalgic for who I was when I first began writing. It felt electrifying to remember and to understand that this was me coming back home to myself.

It’s felt like the universe has been telling me it’s ok. It’s ok that I needed the time I did, but the time is right now. It’ll be ok.

For now, my toes feel like they are dipping in this water. Preparing for the way I will wish to go. Where I will begin.

So, I have begun here. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning to write blog posts. I’ve started reading again. Started to think about an idea and build it out. All these things will soon build out and eventually I will be flowing in this gentle river until I make small stops on my journey when I finish the first draft, when I’m editing, when I’m hoping to see if there’s a home in publishing for my story, and again starting a whole new idea.

I am here. I am ready. I am inspired and hopeful. The best yet I am smiling. I appreciate so much the younger version of me who went for writing so head on and with such passion. Who read books every single day and couldn’t imagine she’d breath well in a day without at least ingesting a single chapter. Turns out for the most part it became true. I haven’t been able to come back to myself for so long. Now is the time. I want to shout that. Now is the time!

This feels so wonderful.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

A Retry of An Old Routine

Hello everyone!

Right now for me it is almost 6 am. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and it’s the first time I’ve done so in well over a year. Once upon a time, this was how I was able to complete all my goals for the day and be able to nap later on and have a few hours of pure enjoyment in the nighttime!

When I wake up like this I always get my writing done. Later on in the day it’s easy for me to feel exhausted after work and say it’s time to relax and I don’t blame myself. It is the time to allow myself some peace. So the solution is to wake up earlier.

From now on, I should be able to post far more often, even daily. This blog was always meant to have very frequent posts and while for a while I needed to let myself be, it’s time to come back to my passions.

So that’s why even though it’s earlier then I’ve gotten up in ages and I should be sleepy right now, I am excited. I am smiling. I am ready to go after my dreams.

Thank you all for coming along this journey with me! It’s going to be wonderful every step of the way.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

New Beginning

Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.

I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.

The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.

Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.

So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.

So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.

So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.

Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Coming Back to Blogging

I have written this post more times then I could count in the past. When my life changes I continually feel the need to step inward and quietly come to understand and grow on my own. Yet, I always have found great value in being open online. Sharing my experiences and thoughts on stories, films, current issues, and my life. I’ve missed being on here. So, yes I am returning and this time I imagine I’m here to stay for a good long time.

Someone important in my life told me all I need to do is start and this is me doing just that starting. I have abandoned many things I love in recent times out of a fear. A fear that I’m not good enough. That I don’t deserve to try and be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. A fear that I’m going to get things wrong. But the truth is I am going to get things wrong at time and I am going to mess up, but my passion for writing. My passion for telling stories that will never leave me.

Life is but a tiny spec of dust in the grand scheme of the universe. I want to make the most use of my tiny spec. There’s life and beauty in even the smallest of creatures in existence. I want to live life as fully as I can. With as much joy as I can.

This is a part of that joy. Discussing books. Promoting authors. Talking about writing and the journey of it. It’s a wonderful thing. So here I am again. Just me, my phone, and many many thoughts. I’m back and it feels so good to be.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

https://c0.pubmine.com/sf/0.0.3/html/safeframe.htmlREPORT THIS AD

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! I hope you are having a wonderful and joyous day.

It’s rare for me to get a picture with my mom so this is a special treat from her birthday in February. She is a strong woman in mind and in spirit. I see a lot of that willfulness in myself being raised by her. I love when she laughs and complains about something in a childlike voice. Or when she picks on me when I go to hug her till I laugh.

She always makes sure that me and my sister are taken care of and I appreciate that about her very much. She has a beautiful soul. I love her very much.

I hope everyone is enjoying Mother’s Day in whatever way you all enjoy it within your families. Weather with it’s with your actual mother or just an important woman in your life that you know deserves to be celebrated.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.