What Christmas Means to Me

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. It’s magic and joyous and kind. It’s as much the gifts you get as the gifts you give, yet as I’ve gotten old enough to go out and buy my own gifts for people, it’s the look on someone’s face when I give them something they really love that puts the biggest smile on my face.

Everyone on this earth wants to feel joy and happiness and to feel cared for. Christmas is the time where I really feel and see that all around me.

Then there is the romantic parts of it. Mistletoe and ice skating dates, drinking egg nog or a peppermint mocha with someone your getting to know, feeling that romantic pull in your heart. It’s a beautiful thing and it makes me feel excited, because I’ve never experienced that in person before and love during the holidays feels like it’s sprinkled with that little extra spice of magic.

People change during this time of year. There is more kindness. More remembering that we really are all in this life together and we are all deserving of being treated well. A lot of people donate time to feeding the homeless and more people give a little extra to those in need. More people are willing to give the benefit of the doubt and understand that mistakes are human.

This time of year is special. The decorations all around are gorgeous. There is a festive spirit you can feel in the energy of the people around you. I’ve seen so many guys wearing Christmas sweaters this year… so so many. More then the girls and I thought to myself, “the men really came through in terms of spirit this year and I want to hug every single one wearing one of those sweaters because I’m so proud. All of the women too while I’m at it. The Christmas cheer ends nowhere in my heart.”

But, what I’m most happy to say here is that this has been my favorite Christmas so far. It’s been happier then any other Christmas I’ve had and it’s because I’m happier now then I’ve ever been. Every single day of my life recently has been so joyful and full of life that it baffles me. I’m treating myself the way I always deserved to be treated. I follow my joy at all times. I follow my excitement at all times. Everything is working out for me. I’ve never appreciated myself or life in general more.

This Christmas feels so rich. Rich in happy moments with my family. Rich in dancing. Rich in singing until I got my annual sinus issues and even that hasn’t been bad at all. I’ve never had such a good time while my nose and throat were acting up in my entire life. I’m so deliriously and wonderfully happy and I know there is no end to it in sight. I know that my life is just going to get better and better. There is so much good to experience. So much music to fall in love with. So many books to read and movies to watch. So much to laugh about. I feel so blessed this Christmas and I know it’s a feeling I will have for the rest of my life.

Christmas is like all the best parts of life to me. I can only explain it as these visions of beautiful moments in my head. Moments like when I gave the item in my hand to a woman who was looking to buy that item and didn’t know where to find it. Then I just went back and got another one to buy myself. Moments like one of the guys that work as a janitor taking out the trash from my store so I didn’t have to do it myself. Then another time me holding the door open for the same guy when I was on my way to storage (which he didn’t want to accept at first.. which made my eyes roll, but I digress). Moments like my sister tickling me when I was trying to get her to fist bump my hand and us both ending up laughing tell we started coughing because it was all too much. Moments like picking out a free ornament from World Market with my family and finding the most beautiful animal ornaments to hang on the tree.

Christmas is a beautiful time of year. Filled with the taste of peppermint and lots of music and cheer. I love it with every fiber of my being and I appreciate so much Christmas this and every year.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

Till next time!

An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

-Till next time!

“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

A Life Imagined

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

All our dreams melded into one glorious day

We’ll spend our nights dreaming of the home we’d build together

Smiling about the sweet music we’d made during the day

We’d laugh and dance through life together

Saying a thousand words with just one look

I can’t wait for the day you put your hand in mine

I can’t wait for the day I laugh with you

I can’t wait for the day I’d whisper in your ear and see you smile with the knowing that every single day I’d take pleasure in choosing you

Tell then, I have mountains to climb, and oceans to cross

Stars to build across my soul

But every lesson, every tick of the clock, brings me closer to the day I finally get to hold you

So for now find peace and be happy

Do what’s right for you

I’ll be working hard and dancing on my own

Till the time comes for me to create a whole new world when I’m with you

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

Surrounded by all of those we love

There will be peace and joy and happiness

A new beginning creating one from the two of us

I know it’ll be years before we get there

But oh how sweet it is to dream

Will you dream along with me?

Thanks for reading! I don’t know why, but at the moment I’m feeling really optimistic about the future. Imagining scenarios for what could be has brought me no small measure of peace. One of my greatest desires for my life has been to be with someone I can share my time on this earth with. I don’t know the when or how of it, but I know one day this all will come to be and that’s something to feel good about.

-Till next time!

I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad’s birthday. I want to take this time to talk about how much my dad means to me and the importance he has for my life.

My dad was my idol from when I was a little kid. I would follow him around wherever he went. Helped him with whatever I could. Looked for bugs in the dirt with him. When I was little I would listen to story after story that he would tell me with complete awe.

My dad’s health right now is terrible. Thing after thing came up and I honestly don’t know how much time I have left with him. That’s why on days like today I take a step back. I look at the people I love and I pray for as much time with them as possible.

If I’ve been taught anything due to my dad’s sickness it’s that you don’t give up on people you love. You hold onto them. You cherish them and every moment you have, because you don’t know when they may be gone from your life.

My dad will always be my hero. Today and every day going forward I’m going to cherish him. It’s been hard to see how his sickness has changed him, but the man that he always was to me will never change.

I may become different things to different people in the future. A friend, a love, a co-worker, a mentor, or what have you, but I will always be my dad’s little girl.

Happy birthday dad. I love you. May we have another wonderful year together. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for reading!

-Till next time!

Taking Free Creative Writing Courses

Yesterday was not the best day despite my efforts to remain positive. However, what came out of it was something good. My mom found me some free creative writing courses that I could take and I’m going to take them.

I don’t know what to do about my feelings pretty much all of the time now. I sometimes feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Yet there are things I can do. My situation isn’t much changed from a few months ago and yet it feels irreversibly different. Or maybe the truth is that it is completely different, because I got a taste of what it was to love and enjoy fully being in the present and lost it all in a short span of time. All while realizing that my dad isn’t going to get any better. That the only care he will receive is preventative and I have no control over the time I have left with him.

I think that I hurt more now then before because I also realized that the break up is permanent. The guy I had fallen in love with isn’t going to come back into my life. I know that now. I lost it because I didn’t really know how to accept that. To think that our time together is as good as another fantasy I lost myself in. The missing too hurts a lot. I miss him all the time. Admitting that is strange. I hate not knowing why. I hate creating my own answers. I hate that it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change that it happened. It doesn’t change that he didn’t choose me.

So now, I also realize that at the end of the day whoever comes and goes in my life I’m the only one that can be there for me. To pick up my own pieces when my armor breaks. To find my own steps forward. To treat myself right. But, for now I feel like I’m almost in a mourning period. I try to take some steps forward. To find little pieces of peace and hope. Continuing blogging is a major thing for me. The community support during this time has been helpful.

But I know I’ll get better. I have good things awaiting me around the corner. I’m going to write a lot and these classes will help me improve my craft and I’m going to read a bunch of amazing stories as well! I’m going to get back to being myself again.

Right now I write this outside in cold air near a Christmas tree watching as the sky turns from blue to pink as it slowly gets dark. It’s beautiful. The world doesn’t stop being beautiful even when your hurting. People don’t stop caring even if your hurting. One day I know things will get better. With baby steps things will get better. So I’m going to sit here for a short time and enjoy the air and remember what it is to be alive.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

A Disappearing Act

Without a word

Without a reply

Without ever knowing why

You’ve

D

I

S

A

P

P

E

A

R

E

D

Into the void.

Left me with empty promises

Left me without a trace

Left me on my own with this poison

I’m now lost in a battle of confusion

Will I ever have this explained to me?

I’m hurting cause’ I thought you would

Have told me if you wanted to walk away

With the magic that you came with you

Sprinkled yourself with some of that dust

And whisked yourself safely into darkness

Yet how can I feel pain when I want to believe

We’ll be ok?

The hope is so much worse then the knowing

You didn’t break it to me easy

You gave me nothing at all

I’m grasping at the straws of sweet memory

Yet even through the hurt

Yet even knowing your gone

I hope that you are doing ok

Your voice is gone

Your music is gone

Yet I don’t have your touch to remember

Are you just another person that’s truly left me

Or is there something that I’m missing?

I don’t have a choice

I may never know

What happened to this love

That now has only bones

My heart still warms thinking of you

But I still know I’m left out in the deep blue

Nothing

Congratulations

You succeeded

My heart is whole and torn to pieces

I don’t know why I still have hope

You’ll never see the mess you made by not properly letting go

But if you hadn’t why’d you disappear so completely..

left me in the dark on what your feeling

Only time will tell me if you’d truly gone

You gave me no choice to decide if you were ever a hazard at all

Are you waiting behind that curtain call?

To hear a standing ovation, the thousands to applaud?

I guess I’ll be here dancing on my own

Waiting for arms that may never come to hold me close

Because you vanished without saying goodbye

Or see you later

So I swallow the first as a pill

believe in the possibility of the second

But I feel I may never know the answer

Thanks for reading! This poem is very personal and it’s filled with everything I’m feeling right now. I hope at least you all can take something from it. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

In Response…

A few hours ago.. before I went to sleep I got a very special notification. My favorite person in all the world Andrew @GroovyGlasses whose name has become quite a common occurrence on this blog lately had sent me an email.. which is typical as of late.. we talk a lot. Anyway, he told me he had written something for me and of course it didn’t matter that it was 1 am.. I HAD to read it. So in a haze I excitedly took to WordPress and started reading his latest post he titled A Special Post for a Beautiful Person.

When I tell you all that no one and I mean no one had ever done something that meant as much to me as this post did to me I truly mean it. I had to bite back tears. Andrew is the sort of guy that books are written about. Those guys that you wish existed, because if they actually did you’d fall in love immediately and live this incredibly beautiful life. He is that to me. Except he is better then any fictional character I’ve ever read about.. actually better and not just because he is a real person, but because of who he is.. because his soul is the brightest I’ve ever seen.

You know what’s the most insane part? We’ve only known each other for two months. Talk about a cliche ya romance. I had my doubts that that was something that could really exist. It’s real and it’s so so beautiful. I am so lucky. So incredibly lucky.

Andrew is a musician. He writes these amazing lyrics and I know that his musical composition is amazing too. He likes to think that he isn’t this amazing person.. but he is. He is really special. He talks in his post about how he believes I will become this amazing author and I’m here to tell you I don’t know if those are shoes I can fill, but I’m going to try. But, if he doesn’t think that through his music he’s not going to touch so many peoples hearts he is delusional. He works so hard. More then anyone I know. By dedication alone I know he will make it further then he ever imagined. That he’ll become one of those people the world admires and doesn’t quite understand how his existence is possible.

Already, I don’t know how his existence is possible.

For once in my life.. someone has made me truly incapable of finding all the words to fully express what they mean to me. Because the full words for it simply don’t exist, not in English or any other language. Feelings like this, they can only be felt, not written or heard or seen. This blog.. it’s nowhere near the biggest blog in the world or the best (sorry Andrew.. I just can’t even think to claim that), but it has been really good at bringing people to my life that I genuinely connect with. Andrew being the one human being on this earth I don’t understand exactly how or why.. if anyone let me I’d talk about him like Ned talks about his wife on Buzzfeed.. my feeling for him are that gushy and infinite.

I was floored last night. I am still floored this morning. If I could.. and I probably will.. I would try and become one with my flooring just starting at the ceiling and wondering.. is this real? Is anything real? Is Andrew real? Am I real? And being able to answer yes to every single question.

The odds of him being the one to stumble upon my blog. The odds of his first comment to me. Those are some odds that go beyond infinite. It’s truly something I will never be anything, but grateful for.

To Andrew. You are the light of my life. I can’t believe you exist. I can’t believe you wrote that for me. I will forever be grateful to you. Thank you for being in my life. Even if neither of us were expecting or particularly trying to be in the others life. That’s what makes this so special. I have no idea what’s in store for us, but I know this.. it’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! I feel weird about wanting to hear all your thoughts on this, but I do.

-Till next time!

Some thoughts..

I had many a blog post I could have and probably should have written for today and honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to say right now. I don’t know to the point where I’m going to surprise myself I’m sure.

I have all this crazy energy inside me.. I don’t know what to do with it. I want to do so much of everything and then at the same time my head is so all over the place that I end up doing very little. I start something and I stop and I think it’s because what I really want to do right now is something that just isn’t possible.

That’s a common theme in my life. Wanting to do something, but I can’t. Having to wait until the time where I can pursue a specific goal or try something new. Actually I hold back a lot on asking for things that I want. I don’t express my interest in a lot of things because I don’t want anyone to go out of there way for me. I don’t want to make anyone’s life any more difficult then it already is. Especially with my family. I do my best to never complain. But I also do my best to stop myself from saying I want a certain pair of shoes or clothing.. or really much of anything. I’m only ok with asking for books sometimes cause I know how to shop for them super super cheaply.. or I satisfy myself with entering giveaways.. which I have a tendency to win.

Recently, what I want most in the world is so simple and yet it is going to be impossible for a long while. My relationship with my boyfriend is long distance. All I want to do is see him and be able to hold him. Yet, it feels more of a selfish thing to ask then me showing my interest in items at a store. My greatest joy is found in his smile. I can’t stop thinking or writing about him.

Before him, my life, my blog, everything was so different.. The way I saw the world was different. So many of you have noticed that I have been drawn to writing increasingly personal posts recently. This blog was once about all things writing, poetry, and books.. all about books. Yet now, I just have this burning desire to share how I feel. To bring you all into the crazy that has become my life. The crazy that always was my life before, but is what I kept hidden.

Before I made my life about doing the things I love. Writing stories.. stories that might help others and let them escape into worlds as books have always done for me, and still I want to do those things and I am doing those things, but I also have this person that I want to make happy more then anyone else in the world. I wasn’t like this before. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who couldn’t stop talking about the one they loved in any place and to anyone they could. I was never one to place all of my happiness in another person’s hands because that’s a great way of getting your heart broken. Plus, I needed to be able to be happy on my own and anyone that knows me would say that I was. It’s just.. having him there.. he’s so passionate about everything he loves. His excitement is contagious. He’s the person that brings me from full to overflowing and I can’t say how grateful I am to him for that.

Anyway.. even as far away from me as he is he makes me feel like the happiest girl alive. I simply am filled with the need to taste even an ounce of the happiness I would have with him face to face. All this energy I have to take on life is because of him. Sometimes I want to stop myself from doing something now because it feels weird without him there. I notice his absence everywhere. I just really want to be able to sit down next to him and have a conversation face to face. To be able to reach out and touch him whenever I want to. It is truly something I’ve never felt before. Yet at the same time everything I do I receive more enjoyment from. Music sounds more beautiful. Conversations are easier. My relationship with my family better. My laughter and smile far more frequent then ever before.

All of these things are things he already knows. He knows just how happy he makes me. He knows just how deeply I feel for him and I won’t ever stop telling him any of it. I am happier then I’ve been in years. Yet it doesn’t stop me from wishing he was here.

I think I’m writing this to you all now to say one thing. Us book lovers have read about a thousand different relationships. We have ideas of what Love looks like and what kind of love we want for ourselves. We dream about it and we hope for it (unless of course your aro.. I’m not excluding you here). Yet nothing compares to what falling in love actually feels like. Real love found with someone that cares as much for you as you do for them feels better then any novel. In a way, I don’t think a book can properly showcase it, but writers will try and try all into the rest of the world’s existence to encompass what it is to feel love because there is no emotion more powerful. If your in love with someone or have ever loved anyone you know what I’m talking about. Where the movies and the books seem like pale imitations compared to the real deal. If you haven’t found that yet and it is something you dream about know that someday you will find it. Honestly I wasn’t looking for it.. didn’t even want it.. yet sometimes life has plans for you and when something is this beautiful you can’t ever turn it away. I could never turn him away.

I don’t know how often I’ll write posts like this one. I am so lost in my feeling right now I can’t quite stand it. I know the past few posts I’ve talked a bit about all this already, but honestly I’m at a point where I just can’t help myself. I want to shout at the world.. love is real! Love is real! It’s the most incredible thing in the world. It’s out there for anyone who wishes for it, but it comes not when you dictate it to, but when it needs to be. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to fabricate love for themselves and putting their all into the wrong people… people who don’t lift them up or treat them right. We all deserve a love that is good. All of us. I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth to have found it as early as I did.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!