Some thoughts..

I had many a blog post I could have and probably should have written for today and honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to say right now. I don’t know to the point where I’m going to surprise myself I’m sure.

I have all this crazy energy inside me.. I don’t know what to do with it. I want to do so much of everything and then at the same time my head is so all over the place that I end up doing very little. I start something and I stop and I think it’s because what I really want to do right now is something that just isn’t possible.

That’s a common theme in my life. Wanting to do something, but I can’t. Having to wait until the time where I can pursue a specific goal or try something new. Actually I hold back a lot on asking for things that I want. I don’t express my interest in a lot of things because I don’t want anyone to go out of there way for me. I don’t want to make anyone’s life any more difficult then it already is. Especially with my family. I do my best to never complain. But I also do my best to stop myself from saying I want a certain pair of shoes or clothing.. or really much of anything. I’m only ok with asking for books sometimes cause I know how to shop for them super super cheaply.. or I satisfy myself with entering giveaways.. which I have a tendency to win.

Recently, what I want most in the world is so simple and yet it is going to be impossible for a long while. My relationship with my boyfriend is long distance. All I want to do is see him and be able to hold him. Yet, it feels more of a selfish thing to ask then me showing my interest in items at a store. My greatest joy is found in his smile. I can’t stop thinking or writing about him.

Before him, my life, my blog, everything was so different.. The way I saw the world was different. So many of you have noticed that I have been drawn to writing increasingly personal posts recently. This blog was once about all things writing, poetry, and books.. all about books. Yet now, I just have this burning desire to share how I feel. To bring you all into the crazy that has become my life. The crazy that always was my life before, but is what I kept hidden.

Before I made my life about doing the things I love. Writing stories.. stories that might help others and let them escape into worlds as books have always done for me, and still I want to do those things and I am doing those things, but I also have this person that I want to make happy more then anyone else in the world. I wasn’t like this before. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who couldn’t stop talking about the one they loved in any place and to anyone they could. I was never one to place all of my happiness in another person’s hands because that’s a great way of getting your heart broken. Plus, I needed to be able to be happy on my own and anyone that knows me would say that I was. It’s just.. having him there.. he’s so passionate about everything he loves. His excitement is contagious. He’s the person that brings me from full to overflowing and I can’t say how grateful I am to him for that.

Anyway.. even as far away from me as he is he makes me feel like the happiest girl alive. I simply am filled with the need to taste even an ounce of the happiness I would have with him face to face. All this energy I have to take on life is because of him. Sometimes I want to stop myself from doing something now because it feels weird without him there. I notice his absence everywhere. I just really want to be able to sit down next to him and have a conversation face to face. To be able to reach out and touch him whenever I want to. It is truly something I’ve never felt before. Yet at the same time everything I do I receive more enjoyment from. Music sounds more beautiful. Conversations are easier. My relationship with my family better. My laughter and smile far more frequent then ever before.

All of these things are things he already knows. He knows just how happy he makes me. He knows just how deeply I feel for him and I won’t ever stop telling him any of it. I am happier then I’ve been in years. Yet it doesn’t stop me from wishing he was here.

I think I’m writing this to you all now to say one thing. Us book lovers have read about a thousand different relationships. We have ideas of what Love looks like and what kind of love we want for ourselves. We dream about it and we hope for it (unless of course your aro.. I’m not excluding you here). Yet nothing compares to what falling in love actually feels like. Real love found with someone that cares as much for you as you do for them feels better then any novel. In a way, I don’t think a book can properly showcase it, but writers will try and try all into the rest of the world’s existence to encompass what it is to feel love because there is no emotion more powerful. If your in love with someone or have ever loved anyone you know what I’m talking about. Where the movies and the books seem like pale imitations compared to the real deal. If you haven’t found that yet and it is something you dream about know that someday you will find it. Honestly I wasn’t looking for it.. didn’t even want it.. yet sometimes life has plans for you and when something is this beautiful you can’t ever turn it away. I could never turn him away.

I don’t know how often I’ll write posts like this one. I am so lost in my feeling right now I can’t quite stand it. I know the past few posts I’ve talked a bit about all this already, but honestly I’m at a point where I just can’t help myself. I want to shout at the world.. love is real! Love is real! It’s the most incredible thing in the world. It’s out there for anyone who wishes for it, but it comes not when you dictate it to, but when it needs to be. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to fabricate love for themselves and putting their all into the wrong people… people who don’t lift them up or treat them right. We all deserve a love that is good. All of us. I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth to have found it as early as I did.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What Happened to September?

In a few short days it will be October.. October already!? I can’t believe it. September has been one of the craziest most beautiful months of my life. I may not have been as productive this month, but I’m proud of what I have done and I think that is worth something.

One of the things I never imagined for myself was being in a relationship. I mean.. I imagined it, but I didn’t think it would ever actually happen. It doesn’t really help that I can be pretty particular about who I fall for (except I can’t really control it so I guess that doesn’t matter). Not only that, but to be in a relationship with a guy who is so caring and supportive and just all around wonderful. I couldn’t ask for more.

The thing about this is that I’m not used to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be used to it. Every time I see his face I just get this really incredible happy feeling and I never thought I’d feel that way for someone. Falling in love and falling in love this fast was something I thought was reserved for the books I read. Apparently, love can be like a wildfire.

Talking with him at first I knew I wanted to get to know him. Instantly he fascinated me. But the more we talked the more I knew that I wanted more. At first, I knew I wanted to discuss books with him and writing and whatever else, I knew somehow from the start that we’d make very fast friends. Uhh.. I didn’t expect that we’d have fallen so quickly for each other though.

The two of us can talk about anything..literally anything and it’s wonderful. So due to him being the wonderful human that he is, I’ve been happier then I’ve ever been in my life. For the first time in forever I made it a point to enjoy every moment of my time. I let myself just be. I have been somewhat productive and I’ve had some really productive days and some where all I wanted to do was listen to music and maybe watch a movie and read and so I’d let myself do those things. It feels like I blinked my eyes and September is almost ending.

Falling in love has taught me one really special thing though. That no matter what is happening in life there is always something beautiful to hold on to and enjoy no matter how small. That it’s ok to let go of your worry for a while and that problems may exist, but that doesn’t mean it should be all that consumes you. You can choose to let go of your problems (not ignore them) but to realize that they are going to be there at the end of the day and you can deal with them as you need to, but you don’t have to let that impede on your happiness.

Sometimes life can be really really hard. However, sometimes the most unexpected and beautiful things happen to lift you out of the dark. I am so grateful to feel this happy. To realize I don’t need much to feel that way. It comes with seeing a smile, hearing a voice, the sound of a laugh. That’s something that feels so very special.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Stepping Away From Self-Sabotage

All my life I’ve felt the need to celebrate the small victories. To reward myself for being productive. To celebrate any moment where my mind felt like it was on a path to healing. However, every time I let myself share when I’m feeling really good about myself.. I would immediately regress.

Any moment I would share that I woke up early or that I did something around the house without being told or made myself from breakfast would be followed by me refusing to continue the positive pattern later. It’s ridiculous actually. Sometimes I just wont let myself accept when things are good. I don’t know how to handle good in my life. I feel like I have to balance everything out when life usually has no problem with giving me problems.

I’m working on accepting the good in my life. I’m working on allowing myself to be happy without feeling the need to sabotage that happiness. To let myself come to the understanding that I deserve to be happy. That things don’t have to be about struggling all the time. To choose to accept the good, because recently its begun to outweigh the bad.

I don’t think enough people talk about transitioning from a life of heaviness to a life of lightness and happiness often enough. No one talks about what it’s like for someone that has a lot of bad things happen in their lives to suddenly feel like there isn’t wolves waiting to bring them down just around the corner. What it feels like to feel safe and comforted when all you’ve known is what it was to have to be the only person there for yourself. To accept that beautiful change. To let yourself feel free.

All I want right now is to accept the incredible change in perspective that I’ve had in my life. The past month has been more beautiful then difficult. I’m not used to that. My family and I are still struggling, but I see my future with new eyes. It’s so weird to move forward without the fear. My need to make things more difficult for myself bothers me. I want to take the gem I’ve been given and never let it go. I don’t want to feel undeserving. I don’t want to sabotage myself anymore.

So I’m just going to shake off the old way I’ve thought all my life. Let it fall away from me like water. To take up my newfound happiness and share it with whomever I can. Maybe I could take it and inspire something wonderful in other people. That sounds like a much better plan then trying to undo it.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been a lot more personal on my blog recently. A lot has happened good and not so good in recent times. I feel myself changing a lot and in really great ways. Or maybe I’m just finding myself becoming the person I always was beneath the surface. I want to take this feeling and run with it with no regrets.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Shake

Let me take all of your inhibitions and shake them around till they chip into fine dust and blend with your fears, your happiness, your memories, and get lost till you can’t find them anymore. Let me absolve you of the pain, the guilt, the tension, the worry. The stuff I want to reach inside and and tear away. The stuff that makes you think your undeserving of love. Let me shake you up and when you don’t know what’s up or down I’d stop and I’d turn you and you’d see the man that I’d see because finally the puzzle would fit and you’d be whole.. not because of me, but because of you. The chains you’d tied into every bit of proof that you were worth nothing.. chained into rocks on the floor.. chained to the walls of your house, chained to the center of the earth.. I will cut away.. cut and cut and heat and pry away until you were free. I wouldn’t let you sleep afraid.. I wouldn’t let you sleep angry, upset, or lonely. Should your eyes close and the guilt eat up and try to hold you in your nightmares I’d wake you gently. A gentle shake for you to remember where you were. Let me jump and dance my feet over the things that fill you with fear till there is nothing left because the gravity and the vibration and the weight of me destroying the weight of your searching thoughts. Let me shake you. Let me shake you.

Thanks for reading! It’s been a long time since I’ve shared a piece of poetry with all of you. All this time I’ve been writing it everyday and yet it took me till now to share one. I used to try and share one once a week. I missed it. I hope you all enjoyed this and I would love to hear your thoughts!

-Till next time!

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before: Let’s Get Sappy!

Sometime in 2014 this book was first published and shortly after there was a me walking in a Kmart pushing my mom to let me go to the book section as always. That me picked up this book and swooned I had to have it. So I begged my mom and she let me buy it. I read it within the following four days.

I was either a freshman or sophomore in high school when I picked this up. The story made me feel warm and fluffy feelings and put a smile on my face. I adored it. I asked my mom to buy the next book later on when that was published, but alas that never happened. Nevertheless, Lara Jean stayed a star in my heart.

Watching the movie the day after it premiered was like stepping into a world of nostalgia. Hearing lines from the book on screen brought back happy and beautiful memories and I couldn’t be more happy for it.

This post is about the movie. How it reminded me that deep inside there is this girl inside me that just wants that whirlwind romance. A reminder that it is ok to want that for myself. Especially when love hadn’t seemed like something that could happen for me right now.. when my life is less then ideal in its chaos.

I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve had crushes aplenty and maybe at some point I had gotten close enough to touch it, but as is said no cigar. (That saying really doesn’t fit in this fluffy post, but ohh well!!)

What I do know is watching Lara write those letters reminded me of every boy I ever liked and how sometimes I would write my own.. no address included and no longer existing letters, but I wrote them. It feels really embarrassing to even admit it. I think it’s why I connected with her so much. I had people I liked that would never like me back and that’s ok, but it didn’t stop the feelings. It didn’t stop the wonderings and dreams of what could have been.

Her fantasy coming to life as her letters are sent out allowed me to imagine my own coming to pass. So if it takes my story longer.. that’s ok. I’m willing to wait for a love that is right, true, and intensely beautiful. Until then, I just keep on living, pursuing my passions and my dreams.

Jenny Han wrote a story that spoke to me. The other part about seeing representation in the books and on screen is amazing and it’s just another thing to love about it. There are some critiques that could be said about how they handled some of the rep and things they changed, but truly that’s not what this post is about.

“To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” made me hopeful for romance in the future. It reminded me that I should never feel guilty for hoping for it.

Thanks for reading! What are your thoughts on the movie?

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

-Till next time!

A Love Letter to All the Books I Haven’t Written Yet

Dear future novels,

You swim in my head haunting my dreams. You take up more note space in my phone then I ever thought you would. You entice me and make me feel gloriously happy when I think of what you would look like as a full story.

Each and every one of you is unique occupying a different part of my heart. I love each and every one of you (even the ones I haven’t thought of yet). Some of you are contemporary, some of you are horror. Those of you who are fantasy or sci-fi you know how much I dream of writing you well. To all the other genres thriller, magical realism, historical, and romance too..you know I have so many dreams of your existences too!

There are times when I toss in turn just thinking about little scenes that would go perfectly in one story and begging to be seen. Sometimes I feel this soaring deep within my bones just imagining the worlds that I had never seen before.

All you characters are inspiring some sassy some serious… some filled with sadness and others might just be delirious. I love those of you who are angry and just want to fix what’s wrong, but those of you who just want to deal with yourselves that just as valid too. Some of you have magic others are subjected to it. Some of you have none at all and that’s just the fun of it. I can’t wait to write your stories and breath into you all some life. Some victims, heroes, protagonists, all just trying to do what’s right (for you).

I know a lot of you are impatient waiting for me to write your story, but all I need is time to make all of your stories the best that they can be.

I love all the places you take me and I love all of your dreams. I love you future novels. I can’t wait to see where else you bring me.

Love,

Tiana

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little letter. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments.

-Till next time!

Wintersong: A Book Filled With Magic

Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Publisher: Thomas Dunne Books / St. Martin’s Griffin

Publish Date: February 7th, 2017

Received: Christmas Present 2017!

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

The last night of the year. Now the days of winter begin and the Goblin King rides abroad, searching for his bride.

All her life, Liesl has heard tales of the beautiful, dangerous Goblin King. They’ve enraptured her mind and spirit and inspired her musical compositions. Now eighteen and helping to run her family’s inn, Liesl can’t help but feel that her musical dreams and childhood fantasies are slipping away.

But when her own sister is taken by the Goblin King, Liesl has no choice but to journey to the Underground to save her. Drawn to the strange, captivating world she finds — and the mysterious man who rules it — she soon faces an impossible decision. With time and the old laws working against her, Liesl must discover who she truly is before her fate is sealed.

Dark, romantic, and powerful, Wintersong will sweep you away into a world you won’t soon forget.

Opening Sentence: “Once there was a little girl who played her music for a little boy in the wood.”

Musings:

Wintersong is full of lush fantasy, romance, and mischievous heart. Inspired by The Labyrinth, Wintersong is a tale spun with string filled with nostalgia using old and new ideas to create something wholly original and unique. Filled with some spindly characters and sung with the soul of beautiful music Wintersong is one of my favorite books of 2017.

I have seen many describe this novel as slow paced and burdened by its heavy musical influence. However for me this book was just rightly paced for me to fall in love with its characters and all of its contents. I felt like the music added another layer of passion. Especially as it lead us to understand the characters at their soul level instead of just at the surface. It was in a way the way each character communicated to the other and in the end it made the story feel all the more alive in my hands.

The Goblin King is a sensuous and magical being that took me back to year ago when I first watched the magic that was the Labyrinth. To be able to read an actual romance with the Goblin King was so amazing and magical to me. It is something that I had always been craving for years. To have this gorgeous sinewy creature a companion to match him with their wits and fiery passion. Seeing Liesl and The Goblin King grow together was something out of my very dreams and it made me incredibly happy.

There is so much to love about this fabulous book and I could go on and on about it for ages on end, but truly I want everyone to experience its magic for themselves.

Thank for reading! What are your thoughts on Wintersong? Are you ready for the sequel?

-Till next time!

Hunting Prince Dracula: A 5 Star Review

Hunting Prince Dracula by Kerri Maniscalco

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Publisher: Little Brown & Company

Publish Date: September 19th, 2017

Received: CHRISTMAS PRESENT!!! (Of awesomeness!!)

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

In this New York Times bestselling sequel to Kerri Maniscalco’s haunting #1 debut Stalking Jack the Ripper, bizarre murders are discovered in the castle of Prince Vlad the Impaler, otherwise known as Dracula. Could it be a copycat killer…or has the depraved prince been brought back to life?

Following the grief and horror of her discovery of Jack the Ripper’s true identity, Audrey Rose Wadsworth has no choice but to flee London and its memories. Together with the arrogant yet charming Thomas Cresswell, she journeys to the dark heart of Romania, home to one of Europe’s best schools of forensic medicine…and to another notorious killer, Vlad the Impaler, whose thirst for blood became legend.

But her life’s dream is soon tainted by blood-soaked discoveries in the halls of the school’s forbidding castle, and Audrey Rose is compelled to investigate the strangely familiar murders. What she finds brings all her terrifying fears to life once again.

Opening Sentence: “Our train gnashed its way along frozen tracks toward the white-capped fangs of the Carpathian Mountains.”

Musings:

A gothic tale veiled in the mysterious rich atmosphere of Romania that will keep you on your toes from start to finish. Hunting Prince Dracula is an incredible sequel to the amazing Stalking Jack the Ripper that will make your heart stop in its tracks.

There was so much more internal struggle in this book then the last. Audrey’s trama and grief has her questioning everything and with mix of folklore and her own mind edging toward insanity she doesn’t know how to think or feel. Throwing in her relationship with Thomas things get even more wobbly.

One things for certain though Thomas is my BAE and I love him to pieces. He makes some choice mistakes in this book due to his own lack of ability to understand how to act in social situations (and a CLEAR lack of understanding how a woman is feeling). However, in spite of (more like because of) his mistakes Thomas has grown more and more into being a snowflake that I feel I must protect. He is so gosh darn pure with his feelings and he never knows how to act because of them and I feel so bad when he makes mistakes. But then he turns around with this arrogance saying how good looking he is and then I want to agree with Audrey and have him smacked.

The distance of the friendship between these two amazing characters that formed almost broke my heart. It sucked so much because I could understand both sides (but what I really wanted was for them to stop thinking so much and start kissing already) but I couldn’t help wanting them to go back to being happy with one another again.

One of the biggest things I loved about this book was the folklore. Romania is full of its own unique superstitions and as much as the other characters hated learning about Romania’s folklore I was living for it! As good as it is to be logical about things I think our superstitions are imperative to forming a healthy imagination and appreciation for the foundations of our culture. It’s a beautiful thing to believe in something spiritual. So I was super appreciative of the otherworldly connections in this storyline.

All I can say is I am so ready for book 3 in the new year. I can’t wait to see what adventure awaits Audrey and Thomas next!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. Have you read Stalking Jack the Ripper or Hunting Prince Dracula? What are your thoughts?

-Till next time!

Books of Christmas Past 2017

Hello everyone! It’s Christmas Eve and it’s a time of anticipation, enjoying being with family and friends, and of hope for what’s to come. Firstly, I want to wish you all a safe and happy Christmas and I want to thank you all for joining me in my blogging journey over the past year. Without you all in my life so many of the opportunities and friendships I now have would never have happened and for that I am eternally grateful.

Last year I started a series to celebrate the season with the things I enjoy most books! I created the Books of Christmas Past, Present, and Future!

In 2016, I got a lovely variety of books that I am sad to say I mostly haven’t read. So not only is this a reminder to myself to get my butt in gear and read those books that I have on my shelves, but also to appreciate some titles I have seemingly forgotten about.

Here they are:

The Hundred Lies of Lizzie Lovett by Chelsea Sedoti 

This book was one that I won in a giveaway hosted by the amazing Krysti Meyer from Ya and Wine! It was an arc that I did end up reading and loving for its quirky MC and its unique storyline. Read about my love for it in my review here!

Tricks by Ellen Hopkins

I remember being so excited to have found this at a thrift store last December. I bought it as a gift to myself and it was one of the first books I read in January. This book was intense and it was such a hard read for me, but I think that’s what I love most about Ellen Hopkins books they rip you apart at the seams. Here is a link to my review here!

Replica by Lauren Oliver

I was so excited to see this under the tree and I really really wanted to read it, but I just never got to. Replica has one of the most unique formats I have ever heard of and I just really want to finally read it.

Sea Spell by Jennifer Donnelly

This was a fourth book in a series of which I read the first two books of. Looking at this title now I feel myself really missing the world and I am realizing that I really should get back to reading the series. I know I would have a ton of fun reading the final two.

Rebel Angels and The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray

These two were books I also found at the thrift store without the first book to begin the series. I actually was only able to get the first book in September of this year so I don’t feel too bad for not having had time to read these yet.

Jane by April Lindner

I was super into Jane Eyre last year and so I was really excited to have gotten this retelling. However, with all the craziness that was 2017 I never got to read it so I’m hoping to give it a shot in the new year!

The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon

I devoured this book! Later on I eventually got the sequel and devoured it as well and I’m hoping to get the third book in the new year. (I’m just a little depressed with the cover change they did, but hopefully I can get over it). I am just so grateful to have received this book for Christmas last year.

Here are links to both the first and second book here and here!

Made for You by Melissa Marr

I have been meaning to read this book for SO LONG! This is another book that life has separated me from that I need to go back to and read. It sounds like such a good creepy and fun time and I just need to read it soon.

Venom by Fiona Paul 

This book was a lot of fun. It was crazy, romantic, and a tad bit morbid, but truly I enjoyed it. Eventually I do want to read the second book, but in some ways I feel that if I never do I will always remember this book fondly.

Free to Fall by Lauren Miller

I really need to read this Intriguing Sci-fi! It is centered around an app that makes decisions for you and that just sounds like a super interesting concept to me. It’s just one other book that I didn’t get to read this year and for that I am pretty sad.

Last year I got a total of 11 books and I read only 4 of them…. 1/3rd isn’t too bad, but I really should read more of what is on my shelves. Honestly, I am just so grateful to the people who cared enough to get me something special like these books for Christmas. I am so happy to be where I am today and sometimes it is important to take a step back and look at where you have been to see a better way to the future.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you all have a very lovely and Bookish Christmas!!!

-Till next time!

A Messy, Beautiful Life: A Review

A Messy, Beautiful Life by Sara Jade Alan

My Rating: 5 Stars!!!!!

Cover Rating: 10/10 It is gorgeous!

Publisher: Entangled Publishing

Publish Date: October 2nd, 2017

Received: Netgalley provided an e-arc in exchange for an honest review

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

Life is funny sometimes.

And not always the ha, ha kind. Like that one time where a hot guy tried to kiss me and I fell. Down. Hard. And then found out I had cancer.

I’m trying to be strong for my friends and my mom.

And I’m trying so hard to be “just friends” with that hot guy, even though he seems to want so much more. But I won’t do that to him. He’s been through this before with his family, and I’m not going to let him watch me die.

So, I tell myself: Smile Ellie. Be funny Ellie. Don’t cry Ellie, because once I start, I might not stop.

*subject to change*

Opening Sentence: “I could practically smell the nervous sweat under my pits as I peeked out from behind the curtains at the packed house.”

Musings:

THIS BOOK IS SO INCREDIBLE! I immediately fell in love with its quick-witted dialogue, hilarity, and emotional moments. This book about love, life, and everything in between made me laugh out loud and then cry just as loudly.

Ellie’s story is heartbreaking and yet all at once courageously funny. The ups and downs of falling in love with a boy whose mom passed away from cancer while you yourself find out you have cancer are unique and yet strangely beautiful. This book gives me shivers of happiness and I am 100% in love with it.

I also love how well this book captured the awkwardness of falling in love and then the warm feeling that comes when things begin to fall into place. There are just so many fabulous details of interactions between characters that make the plot line feel so real. When you read you fall deeply in love with the characters and everyone becomes more then just a fictional name on the page.

I devoured A Messy, Beautiful Life and I simply want everyone to see it’s beauty for themselves. This is definitely a book that does John Green fans proud.

Thanks for reading! Please, please read A Messy, Beautiful Life! I know I am going to be gushing about it for ages to come and I just want to share my love of this with everyone.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments.

-Till next time!