Watching: Bojack Horseman: Season 6

So I watched season 6 a while ago and it’s taken me a while to get around to discussing the masterpiece that is the ending of the show.

From the very opening I was hooked and every episode beautifully lead into one of the most satisfying endings to a tv series I’ve seen in ages.

When I started watching I kept pausing to talk about it with my bf and it was basically me being in awe of how detailed the series is.

Pretty much everything I could say about the beginning I wrote just being super excited in the texts above.

I don’t really know how else to discuss the ending of this series other then saying just each and every episode was masterfully created. Honestly, I’m just going to say right now that nothing I can say about the show will be enough to do it justice so I’m just going to write about some of what I loved and leave you all with the thought to watch the show if you haven’t already. It’s incredible!

In season 6 Bojack becomes an acting professor and finds himself in a place of doing what he loves after being sober and out of rehab. I love this for Bojack. It’s a arc of hope and even though it doesn’t last. Even though the past comes back and Bojack must answer for it, it still was the beautiful and perfect thing that I know Bojack will remember in a good way for the rest of his life.

Holly Hawk goes to a college party and has an panic attack and a boy talks to her and she finds out one of the darkest things Bojack has done. after this her relationship with Bojack strains and she distances herself from him. The person Bojack actually values before himself is the one person who shows that she values herself before him.

In diane’s life she finds happiness with a guy named “Guy”. He encourages her to do what she needs to to get her depression under control. Tells her that it’s ok to write something fun if she wants. I think it’s finally the kind of relationship she deserves.

Then there’s Princess Caroline and just thinking about writing about her brought tears to my eyes. She’s my favorite character and she got the best ending and she deserved it so much. She got a man that’s amazing for her. A child to care for. She runs her own empire and she’s just incredible and after everything she’s been through and how she responded in every moment she so deserved it. She’s a queen. I’m so happy for all she comes to enjoy in season 6.

Mr. peanutbutter becomes the face of depression. His relationship with his girlfriend ends and he finds himself alone for the first time in his life. It’s one thing he never learned how to be and somehow it all oddly fits for him.

Todd finds himself taking care of Princess Caroline’s child and somehow everything he does ends up working out. His friendship with Bojack May never be repaired, but he’s living a happy life of his own and I love that for him.

The second to last episode is Bojack’s fever dream near-death experience. It’s a trip. It’s one of the most hard hitting episodes in the whole series and I felt semi ok only because I knew it wasn’t his death. That whole episode like the rest of Bojack could have a post all it’s own.

Then the ending. This perfect sorta awkward moment of wondering what’s next. There is so so much between these two. Diane spent a lot of time writing about Bojack. There looked like there was so much more they could have said in those last moments and yet really there wasn’t anything left to say. It was time to move on. It’s hard to write about without tears welling up. It was beautiful.

Bojack Horseman is such a beautiful show. I know it’s something I’ll rewatch and always think about as one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. It shows horrible things, but also give a sense of accountability. It’s depressing, but also hopeful. Every piece of it means something. I adore it.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Watching Bojack Horseman: Season 4

I watched season 4 of Bojack in a blink of an eye. I’ve become so enamored in the story I’ve been like a kid who can’t wait to see what’s next. And so, very shortly after I’ve written about Season 3 I get to discuss season 4 with all of you… and what a season it was.

The whole first episode took place without Bojack. It felt strange and yet it felt right since he had disappeared himself from everyone else’s lives. Mr. Peanutbutter gets a visit from his ex-wife and she leads him to run for governor. This drives Diane crazy and she tries often to call Bojack and tell him what’s going on and figure out what happened to him, but he doesn’t answer. So for a while she just continues working and deals with her marital issues on her own.

Then Princess Caroline decides she wants to be a mom and so she starts trying for a baby with her boyfriend Ralph. This is one of the first really great relationships for her and while there were things that showed they weren’t quite a match I enjoyed seeing them together. It was sweet to watch and it showed a lot of growth on Caroline’s part. She’s such a strong character. The one I look up to the most on the show.

In season 4 we also get a lot more Todd. I loved that he got his own episode. Princess Caroline asks Todd to help her out by having him be seen dating celebrity Courtney to help give her a more relatable image.

For Todd this season has been about discovering himself. Having him find his identity and starting to be open about it. I loved the ace rep in the show. It was so open and easy and how it should be accepted out in the world. I especially loved Bojack’s reaction. Although his and Todd’s relationship has been particularly hard. Where Todd has felt used and unappreciated and so theirs a lot of distance between the two, Bojack’s reaction to Todd’s identity is super chill. Such a great thing to see.

Todd is shown to have grown quite the backbone this season and starts creating the life that he wants for himself. He doesn’t see Bojack in the best light and takes steps back from their relationship in this season and honestly I don’t blame him. Todd hadn’t been treated the best by Bojack and Todd got tired of feeling like a doormat and as sad as it is he needed distance from him for the betterment of himself.

After the events and pain from the ending of season 3 Bojack finds himself back at his old childhood home. Here he stays inside and does little things to fix up the place after it had been abandoned for so long. However, nothing really gets done right until Eddie the next door neighbor comes and helps Bojack.

This period of time in Bojack has been one of my favorites to watch. Bojack’s relationship with Eddie is one of two people recognizing each other’s hardship and simply working together through that. I love that Eddie has a past that caused him to recognize what Bojack was going through and for him to have the will to be a friend to him anyway.

Yet it doesn’t end well. They finish the building and Bojack brings people to tear it down. We don’t know what happens with Eddie after that. Especially, after his heartbreak from flying to save Bojack after he jumps from the roof of the house. Eddie hadn’t flown in years after his wife’s passing. It’s one of those stories that captures you with both it’s odd reflects of beauty chipped in with the lumps of sadness.

Season 4 shows a lot of Bojack’s past. Particularly his relationship with his mother, but also his mother’s own experiences growing up. Beatrice is a difficult woman to say the least. She destroyed Bojack’s sense of self-worth from the start. She is manipulative and arrogant. Yet seeing her start of life and knowing that she’s know aged and suffering from increased dementia it’s still sad to watch. She’s an example of someone whose experienced trama and turned it into something that makes it ok to her to treat other people like crap. It’s the saddest thing. There is no good excuse to be a terrible person.

Then Bojack meets Hollyhawk a young girl that believes that she is his daughter. It is quite possibly the first really good relationship I’ve seen Bojack have with anyone. Yes he takes off and does his own thing stemming from his depression, but he genuinely cares about her and does everything in his power to find her mother.

What I loved most about Hollyhawk was how much she brought out the compassion in Bojack. Especially towards his mother. She’s a sweetie pie. She listens to Bojack when he says how horrible his mom is and how he’d been treated, but also gets him to see that he should treat her better. I love her. She makes him a better person.

One of the saddest parts of the show is when he finds out that his mother was giving Hollyhawk diet pills to the point that Hollyhawk needed to be rushed to the hospital. This causes him unable to see her anymore and he frantically goes and takes his mother to a nursing home more angry then he’d ever been at her. His mother ruined the one good relationship that he’d had. A relationship he’d not ruined himself and he was rightfully terribly upset.

When he walks away and leaves her there she remembers who she is and instead of telling her off he gives her something beautiful to think about and it is one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve seen of Bojack so far. Makes me tear up even now. He chooses to be kind to the one who’d been so cruel to him. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

The ending of Season 4 is my favorite. It’s so positive and happy and it made me feel so good inside. Hollyhawk accepts Bojack into her life as her brother and the look on Bojack’s face said it all. It’s one of the most beautiful moments on the show. It made me feel hopeful about Bojack’s future. He’s grown and learned to put someone before himself and healed so much of the past that haunted him. God I loved this season so much.

I’m excited to finally watch Season 5. (I had no real reason to put off writing this other then just not feeling like doing it sadly) However, I’m excited to finally be able to continue watching Bojack’s story. It’s a beautiful one. A sad one, but a wonderful one too.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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I’m Back Officially

At the moment I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Everything is working out for me. Things I thought were issues are no longer issues. I’ve essentially been graced with a brand new beginning and I’m mentally in a very good place and I’m excited to move forward.

This means I’m going to be posting every day again. Yep, I’m back in full. This both feels long overdue, but also at the same time I’m coming back to things just at the time I need to. It’s just been time for me. Time for me to be myself, but the me that I’ve become and not just who I’ve always been.

I can’t believe that I’m standing here from where I once was. Someone that felt so lost so confused so hopeless. I built myself up again and suddenly everything fell back into place. I feel like I’ve been on a hell of a ride well for my whole life really. Now things will show up and I feel so much better because I know I can deal. I know I can make it through.

Being where I am now I know I can handle being productive again. I know I can create without worrying anymore. I know I have people in my life I can count on. I know that I’m going to be ok. That everything is going to turn out beautiful. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way. Truly felt that way. Especially now that I have so much more knowing of what was then I ever have before.

I’m so appreciative of all of you that have been following this blog. Truly, so much of my life would be different without it. It’s changed my life. Been my strength when I needed it. My outlet when I didn’t know where to go or what else to do. It’s about time I’m truly back. I have so much that I want to create with this blog. I can’t wait to continue moving forward with it.

Thank you all so much for staying with me. I have so much more life to live and I can’t wait to share my journey with all of you. It’s gonna be a good one. I feel it in my bones.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Watching: Bojack Horseman Season 3

Season 3 of Bojack Horseman was a whirlwind. It has my favorite episode of Bojack so far, a look on some more background of Bojack and the gang, and some of the darkest most intense moments of the series so far. This is the season where I have found that I am completely in love with this show and I can’t wait to talk about why.

First of all, I want to talk about my favorite episode.

Episode 4: Fish out of water

This episode is an art piece. The sound of it. The way that everything is visual. How it’s basically silent storytelling. It’s gorgeous. It’s also one of the happiest episodes of Bojack. As a seahorse gives birth and Bojack ends up taking care of the little one and taking him back to his home.

I loved it so much I even drew my favorite moment:

I made a bit of a mess of the proportions, but I’m still happy with the result. It was a fun thing to draw. This is the happiest I had ever seen Bojack and Bojack has done so many things that have been sketchy in his life, but seeing him happy is the way I wish I could always see him.

A big part of season 3 was showing the past. The time after Bojack was a star on Horsin’ around and when he stared on a new tv series “The BoJack Horseman Show”. A show that was said to be terrible. In these episodes of Bojack Horseman we see younger versions of everyone and get a sense of how they’ve grown and developed to the people they are later on. Mr. peanutbutter in a bad marriage, Princess Caroline not yet an agent and barely developing her on again off again relationship with Bojack, Todd being young and discovering who he is, Diane working in a coffee shop just starting to write on the side. It’s so cool to see that part of these characters I have come to love. Gives each of them an even deeper characterization and all of them feel even more like people.

A big aspect of season 3 is Diane gets pregnant. Diane does not want a child and so she decides to have an abortion and being the social media coordinator for Sextina Aquafina she accidentally tweets about it and Sextina becomes a face of the pro-choice movement. It’s a unique perspective because I feel like Diane learns a lot about herself through this time and what it means to her to be a feminist. She gets confronted by her own biases and understands that the way she had been viewing Sextina was in a way that didn’t value her for who she truly was. It was a fascinating part of season 3 for me.

Another thing that happens is Todd meets up with his old friend Emily and they make a business together. Emily likes Todd, but we find out that Todd is asexual and just having that shown in a show like this was really cool. Todd ends up carrying on the business with Mr. Peanutbutter and it becomes the opposite of what it was meant to be originally and even though for me it turned into something I didn’t care for it ended up being a good thing later on.

A big part of season 3 is Bojack creating a campaign in hopes of being an Oscar winner. He and his friends go into meetings and set up places for him to show to create a new image for him to get picked. A lot of it goes great and a lot of it doesn’t, but that’s sorta how everything always goes for Bojack.

Bojack develops an interesting relationship with his publicist Ana. She thinks she can win him an Oscar for his role in secretariat and it ends up not happening and so she leaves him. This starts the unraveling that later turns into the most heartbreaking series of events in Bojack so far.

After years of Princess Caroline being Bojack’s agent he fires her for good. At that point he had all his hopes in Ana and Caroline had seemingly ruined two new opportunities for him and he felt fed up. It really wasn’t her fault, but it didn’t matter. Thus, began the beginning of the end.

Bojack gets announces as an Oscar nominee and so he throws a party. He gets majorly drunk and when he tries to kill himself by driving his car into his pool. He then gets saved by Mr. Peanutbutter only to be told that his nomination was a mistake. Then, Bojack has a convo with Todd that is the most intensely sad convo I’ve heard in all the series. Where Todd tells him that he’s the problem. The reason he is the way is is because of himself and no one else and it’s both so cruel and so hard-hitting. Bojack then goes on the deep end.

Then we get to the saddest part of the show. After months of sobriety Sabrina goes on a bender with Bojack and it’s terrible and heartbreaking to watch. Showing such darkness and pain in a tv show like this hit me hard. Both of them become lost.

And then as sometimes happens after taking too many drugs Sabrina dies and Bojack realizes her loss was his fault. The body isn’t meant take that much poison. Then the art of it, the way that they portray her death is haunting and beautiful. Yet not at all glorifying the moment in anyway. It felt like a knife in the gut to watch.

At the very end, Bojack tries to kill himself once more and ends up watching a group of wild horses just running and it stops him. Then the season ends on a moment of hope. It’s such a dark season and yet beautiful in its way. The writers and artists create a both real, bleak, and yet hopeful picture of what living life is. It’s glorious. It’s a show well worth applauding.

On the heels of my favorite season so far I’m excited to continue on the series and see what more Bojack has in store for me. I’m now halfway through his journey and so far I’ve loved each and every moment. Can’t wait for what is next.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Watching Bojack Horseman: Season 2

I have to start off by saying this show is great. As my person would say it has some of the best showing of what it is to have depression on television. Season 2 of Bojack Horseman was fantastic to watch.

This season reached some great highs and some heartbreaking lows. Happiness is an inside job and Bojack struggles to find it and does in spurts, but never for long. That’s how depression goes sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard to change a mindset that you’ve held on to for years.

The very first episode was the hardest for me to watch.

Nothing gets to me like sucky parents and the closest I’ve gotten to crying because of this show has been seeing how awful Bojack’s parents were to him. Made him feel like his existence was inherently wrong and bad and it’s no wonder he’s grown up not truly being able to find happiness, because he’d never found a good way of healing all that pain. He gave himself to alcohol and bad decisions. He’s found great success in life, but still feels like nothing will ever be good enough. It can’t be not when he can’t find the good in himself.

Bojack finally lands his dream role of Secretariat. Yet at first his want to change his attitude makes him not as suitable for the role. All along Bojack had a lot of similarity to Secretariat’s essence even if that really is a sad truth. Yet even when he’d preform at the core of who Secretariat would be, they decided to make a completely different movie, all the grit removed. Hell they didn’t even use a single bit of Bojack’s acting in the final movie, just a cgi version of him.

Yet, somehow this very different movie that has nothing to really do with Secretariat turns out ok. Yet, it says nothing of Bojack or Secretariat and I don’t really know if I’d be ok with that if I were in Bojack’s shoes.

Another huge part of season 2 of bojack is JD Salinger’s show having Mr. Peanutbutter hosting. Bojack becomes a celebrity on the first episode and shit hits the fan. It becomes about humiliating Bojack until Princess Caroline tells Bojack about Mr. Peanutbutter’s tell. That episode is one of my favorites. It gets into so many difficult topics and realities of human reaction. Bojack gets petty and makes some sucky decisions and it is what it is.

Not to mention that Bojack’s girlfriend Wanda is a very important part of season 2. She makes Bojack happy for a while, but with his focus often elsewhere it isn’t enough and his depression wins out. Wanda is a positive being. She lifts Bojack up, but Bojack doesn’t want to be lifted not really. He may have loved her for a while, but in the end he breaks her heart and instead of chasing after her he chases his past and again only finds a temporary kind of happiness.

One of the most interesting things to watch was the dynamic between Bojack and Diane. Diane was supposed to go off to Cordovia for 6 months and she does, but then she realizes that Sebastian St. Clair is full of shit and she really isn’t doing anything to help anyone so she heads home. Yet, instead of going home she stays at Bojack’s house and lies to her husband for months that she’s still in Cordovia. Yet all the while she lays around drinking with Bojack and he lets her stay there.

This of course creates tension between himself and Wanda. Wanda certainly doesn’t want her boyfriend sitting on his ass wasting away with someone he’d had love for, for hours on end. It’s then she realizes she never really knew Bojack and everything between them falls apart.

Yet I have to say my favorite high of the show was for Princess Caroline. She enters a relationship with Rutabaga and they want to have a company together. Since Rutabaga puts the company in her name when things go bad for the two of them when Rutabaga shows he’s playing around and doesn’t truly respect Caroline she gives him the finger and keeps the company for herself. I have mad respect for Caroline. She’s amazing. Love seeing such a strong feminine feline in this show.

On a whole, season 2 was amazing to watch. It had great funny moments. It showed some real friendship. It had some wonderful jokes. Some real lows. A lot of difficult subjects to delve into. It’s a masterpiece. Every single character is three dimensional and real. You care for everyone no matter how flawed. People don’t always chose the “right” thing and this show gets that and isn’t afraid to show things for what they are.

There is so much detail that goes into the art and you can screenshot any point and you could see just how much was going on. It’s so good at showing hard truths. Yet it isn’t a hopeless show. Bojack wants to be better and it shows him working on himself, but finding his inner happiness and strength seems like it may be a long battle.

One of my favorite conversations was him talking to Mr. Peanutbutter:

Mr. Peanutbutter has something that Bojack doesn’t, a feeling of self-worth and the confidence that goes with that. Nothing seems good to Bojack because he hasn’t found that yet. It’s such a powerful conversation in the show. It was incredibly well done.

I’m excited to continue on and watch season three. It’s going to be incredible. Bojack’s journey is a hard one and I want to watch it to the very end.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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Watching Bojack Horseman: Season 1

This show is one of those shows that you watch and it changes you. It’s so real. Hits so hard with what actually happens in real life yet with such absurd imagery that you can’t call watching it any sort of form of escapism. If your watching this show your facing some hard truths. That’s all I can say.

Bojack started his career on a show called Horsin’ Around. One of those adorable family tv series we’ve all grown up watching. After that Bojack lost his way. He hasn’t done much since then and he fills up his emptiness by keeping around him a few people that he cares about.

For one princess caroline his agent. She is his on again off again girlfriend, but most of all she’s always there and does what she can to further his career.

There’s Todd, Bojack’s roommate and closest friend. Bojack tries to keep him a bit codependent which isn’t healthy, but the show really isn’t about showing what a healthy relationship looks like.

Then there is Diane, the girl Bojack loves. She’s in a relationship with a guy he really doesn’t care for Mr. Peanutbutter. Yet, they spend a lot of time together because she becomes the ghostwriter to write about Bojack’s life.

A part of the show is where Bojack is trying to get Mr. Peanutbutter and Diane to break up. Instead his antics end up pushing them further together.

But, the show is about Bojack. The life he’s created for himself and his inner struggle with being a man who isn’t happy and isn’t who he wants to be. He is a portrait of depression. What it does and the actions we take as humans when we are doing are best to take steps away from it. But, also the steps we take under its influence.

One thing I do have to say though is that while living with depression it is all of that. It colors everything in a way that isn’t what it really is. Who Bojack has become because of his depression isn’t all he could be. Yet sometimes, when your stuck and that’s all you see you can’t step away from it enough to acknowledge that. Then the problem perpetuates.

This show is brilliant. Incredibly well styled. Dark in great ways. Yet, it shows that bit of hope that Bojack carries with him. I’m excited to watch the next season and see where the story goes. It is quite the story.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Growing Into A New Mentality

I think that after a year of much spiritual and mental growth it’s time for a new era. An era of happy. I’m ready to be happy. To do me and live my life as free as I can.

This year has started off better then I could’ve imagined. I have so much to be joyful about and so much I just want to enjoy. Knowing I have all the time in the world to enjoy it is wonderful.

I’ve let go of so much. I’m learning to create a new story. I’m learning to give up old patterns and I’ve seen today that I’m still on the way to it. Which is ok. I’m fine with being on my way to everything that I desire. I know that’s how it will be all my life. I’m enjoying now immensely and that’s all that really matters.

I’m still growing into this mentality. Still learning to not push back so much. Learning to be me irregardless of who others are. I’m getting better and better at it everyday. I’m learning that holding on to anything negative at all solves no problems and that letting them go and creating positivity leads to more and more positivity.

I know that growing into this mentality will have some push back from others. Mostly because I’m coming to believe that everything will really be ok. “Reality” as many will want to point out can be sucky, but I wanna focus on the good parts. I know that I’ve done so much of focusing on the negative for way too long.

These past few days in general have been particularly wonderful. I want to focus on that. I want to focus on good times with friends. Wonderful conversations. Knowing that we’re all growing together. I’ve felt really peaceful these past few days. Really calm. Full of knowing. I feel so much clarity.

That’s all of what 2020 will be for me. Happy, full of love, hope for the future, and lots of good times. I can’t believe how good the year has started. I can’t wait to see all the rest that’s in store.

I know things are getting better and better. I’m going to enjoy this life of mine. It’s going to be beautiful.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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30 Days of Gratitude

These past 30 days I chose to do a gratitude challenge to remind myself of all the incredible things in life there is to be grateful for.

30 days of gratitude challenge: https://pin.it/juwrhlffx7knol

September 18th, 2019

Day 1: What are you most grateful for today?

Today, I’m most grateful for how far I’ve come. My mind is clear. My heart is clear. I am satisfied with who I am. I’ve made full peace with past mistakes. I’ve made peace with all of my past. I’m focusing on a better future. I’m always doing things that I love to do and I’m practicing being happy and fully myself all of the time. I’m keeping my commitments and I’m the strongest mentally and physically that I’ve ever been. So, I guess I’m most grateful for myself. Because I never gave up on myself and I stayed as positive as possible even when it was only to say that it’s ok to feel bad at a point and that I wasn’t always going to feel that way. So I’m proud of myself.

September 19th, 2019

Day 2: What Technology are you most grateful for?

My phone is probably the most important piece of technology that I’m grateful for. Because it’s what I use most for everything. Music, Reading, writing, gaming, video watching, socializing. Everything’s on my phone. Pictures of memories. My financial applications. I used to do online college from my phone. So it is the technology I am most grateful for.

September 20th, 2019

Day 3: What food are you most grateful for?

I love a good tamale or pupusa. But, I think I’m most grateful for Del tacos bean and cheese burritos. They’ve been a go to non-expensive food item that have kept me fed many many times since I was little. That and McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which are also a childhood favorite.

September 21st, 2019

Day 4: What memory in life are you most grateful for?

I’ll never forget the moment as a little girl coming home from flying on my own and running into my dad’s arms after thinking I’d never see him or the rest of my family again. He hugged me so tight it hurt, but I will never forget that hug. It reminds me that no matter what I will always love my family.

September 22nd, 2019

Day 5: What item in your home are you most grateful for?

I’m picking a mundane item for this because that is how I want to interpret this question. So the mundane item in my home I am most grateful for is the family coffee pot. Really recently, my mom finally purchased a coffee pot and since then I’m always drinking coffee. Recently, we’ve had pumpkin spice as well as red velvet flavored coffee that has been delicious. So I’m really grateful to have the coffee pot.

September 23rd, 2019

Day 6: What in nature are you most grateful for?

Literally all the animals! Animals are a gift to us all. They are so human and every single one of them is a unique blessing. I adore them.

September 24th, 2019

Day 7: What book are you most grateful for?

This is a very difficult question. I am grateful for so many books. I guess I have to say Twilight because it is the book that got me into reading in the first place. My life would be very different if I never read that book. So despite it not being the best book, I owe a lot to it.

September 25th, 2019

Day 8: What lesson in life are you most grateful for experiencing?

Day 8 is getting a bit heavy. The end of last year and the beginning of this year were some of the toughest months of my life. My mental state was not the best and my dad was in the worst part of his illness. I felt lost and utterly and completely alone. I found in myself such inner strength from dealing with all of that. I now find myself genuinely happy. I became very independent during this period and I learned how to be my own anchor and I also learned how to not take what other people say or do personally. Even things that my family would say that hurt. I learned to change my perspective. To stay grounded in who I am and what I believe. To do the best I can no matter what. But I also learned to follow joy wherever it is found. I don’t think of my dad’s illness in the same way. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t feel alone. I understand myself better and I understand being human better. I am different now, but also very much the same. So I’m grateful for how the hard times teach the most valuable lessons.

September 26th, 2019

Day 9: What place have you traveled that you are most grateful for?

When I went to San Diego and swam with the dolphins when I was a kid. That’s such a bucket list experience and I was happy to have had it. It was a really amazing experience.

September 27th, 2019

Day 10: What are you most grateful for in your childhood?

I’m grateful for God’s hand in my childhood. I don’t speak much about religion. I’m not here to preach or tell anyone how to live their lives, but I cannot deny God’s hand in my life. Before I was born, my family made a decision to move to a specific place not realizing that that was where they would meet me. I came into their care in a daycare and in so many ways I’ve never left. I’ve always felt guided. I also always felt like I could trust that everything would be ok because I was put where I was for a reason. Especially one experience where I was bit in the eye by a dog and they got my eyelid completely but missed my eyeball. I’m grateful I have sight in both eyes because of that. If that wasn’t a miracle I don’t know what is.

September 28th, 2019

Day 11: What movie are you most grateful for?

This is difficult. Only because I’ve rarely ever thought of movies in a way of being grateful towards them the same way I do for books. But, I have to say that recently it was Endgame. Spoilers: when I saw that Captain Rodgers actually did get to live out a full life with Peggy when I thought that was impossible it released a wave of both happiness and pain inside me. Or rather it transformed pain into joy. It gave me hope to know that in life what’s meant to be will be and that the universe works in incredible and mysterious ways. Most of the time not in the way you think it will.

September 29th, 2019

Day 12: What 3 people in life are you most grateful for?

This is an easy question. My mom, dad, and my sister. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. Even if we don’t always get along perfectly, my life would be radically different without them. I love them with all my heart.

September 30th, 2019

Day 13: what season of the year are you most grateful for?

I am super grateful for fall. The weather is cooler. Things get spooky. I feel more alive and there is Halloween to look forward to and Christmas is not too far behind. It’s one of the most exciting times of the year.

October 1st, 2019

Day 14: What rejection in life are you most grateful for?

In my life, I have experienced many rejections. Mostly from people.. and I’m not just talking about crushes. But, I think the rejection I am most grateful for is the very first one. I don’t like calling it rejection, but my biological mom gave up her rights to keep me and gave me to my grandmother on my dad’s side. From there my grandmother in a way gave me to a family during daycare and while she was in my life after for the most part that family raised me. I wouldn’t be who I am without that first pass off or from the second. It was like baby hot potato. But, I have a family who raised me from love so I’m glad for it. I don’t know if I’d like who I am if I was raised elsewhere. I love the life I was granted. I would never have wanted my life to be different.

October 2nd, 2019

Day 15: What about your body are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for all of my body. My ability to see and hear and touch and taste. I’m grateful for how my body heals. I’m grateful for my brain. I’m grateful for my bodies ability to adapt. To strengthen itself and show me that I’m capable of far more than I often believe. My body has gotten me up everyday and has experienced many beautiful things. I have learned to treasure it. I didn’t always feel that way.

October 3rd, 2019

Day 16: What band are you most grateful for?

The only true answer to this is Linkin Park. Even if I feel like in a way I shouldn’t be allowed to say so. It deeply reminds me of someone I care about and I don’t really know how they feel about me now, but Linkin Park is their favorite band and so I’m not sure about saying this answer even if it’s the only real answer to me that is true. Linkin Park’s Music is beautiful. It’s pulled so many people out of darkness. I even saw a video of a woman who used their lyrics to save a man’s life from committing suicide. Music that saves lives. Music that inspires people to walk in the light in a way that doesn’t shut out the fact that the dark exists. That’s incredible music. I am immensely grateful for it.

October 4th, 2019

Day 17: What about your job are you most grateful for?

I am grateful that I have it. That things have gotten better within it. That the majority of the people are worth working with, especially when it wasn’t always like that.

October 5th, 2019

Day 18: What trait do you have that you are most grateful for?

I am grateful for my sense of loyalty. Not necessarily just to people I care about, but to my ideals. I do my best everyday to be the best person I can be and to treat others well. The very basis of who I am is someone who wants to do some good in this life. Sometimes I mess up, but that’s ok. It all comes with being human.

October 6th, 2019

Day 19: What splurge item do you own that you are most grateful for?

I’m not lying when I say I never splurge. It’s not because I don’t want to it’s more that I convince myself that I’m better off saving for something for someone else. Or for an emergency. Last month I went to go by pants for myself at Forever 21 and I got these great pants for only $3.90 and they look amazing, but I got them for a very low amount. I’m really good at getting nice items for low prices. This includes books (which often come to me for free). I’m probably one of the lowest maintenance people out there. But, I have to admit if I see some shoes from Aldo or some sweatshirts and clothing from hot topic I want to buy them. Especially now that hot topic has this Hocus Pocus sweatshirt with witchy sleeves for $80 and I want that so bad. But, with Christmas coming I’m not even allowed to buy myself stuff. Talking about this makes me want to do a little splurging on myself. Maybe I’ll make a point of it after the year ends.

October 7th, 2019

Day 20: What are you most grateful for in your daily life?

I’m most grateful for the food I have to eat. Everyday I always have something and it’s usually something pretty tasty and the fact that I can eat everyday and try new foods when I want to is a wonderful thing.

October 8th, 2019

Day 21: What small item that you use daily are you most grateful for?

My earphones. They allow me to watch and listen to whatever I want without bothering anyone else with what I’m watching. They also help me to concentrate on one thing, especially if I’m listening to music while writing.

October 9th, 2019

Day 22: What Thanksgiving memory are you most grateful for?

Weirdly enough when I was a vegetarian for two years and this one thanksgiving my grandmother took me to her friends home for dinner and everyone tried to convince me to eat meat and I kept saying no. I’m grateful for this memory because it’s one of the first times I decided something about myself for myself that wouldn’t be changed because others thought it was strange. I may not be vegetarian now, but I do miss it. I never really learned how to do it properly and having to eat out quite a bit in a world where there isn’t always a vegetarian friendly option (looking at you in-n-out) I don’t really push it too much.

October 10th, 2019

Day 23: What use of your phone are you most grateful for?

The use I’m using right now. The ability to write blog posts and connect with others who share the same passions as I do. The amount of blessings I’ve received from blogging have been infinite and I will never ever regret one second of the journey I began 3 years ago! I truly am grateful for the friendships and opportunities that have opened up for me since starting and I know that there will be many more in the future!

October 11th, 2019

Day 24: What about social media are you most grateful for?

This is mostly a reiteration of yesterday. Because the social media I am most grateful for and that I care most about is WordPress. Blogging is an incredible thing. It’s changed my life multiple times. I know it will continue to in the future.

October 12th, 2019

Day 25: What are you most grateful for in your city?

That I live in a place with such a diverse amount of people and how you can go down a single street and see many different cultures and people living alongside one another.

October 13th, 2019

Day 26: What meal did you have today that you are most grateful for?

Both breakfast and lunch. My sister made food both times and when she makes it is always delicious. I had oatmeal in the morning and a meat soup with garlic bread for lunch. Both were amazing!

October 14th, 2019

Day 27: What are you most grateful for in your country?

I’m going to give a real answer for this, because I’m not always super patriotic and politics makes me angry and I can rant about certain things in politics for ages and get nowhere so.. that’s that. What I’m grateful for in this country is the people in it. No matter what craziness is going on the majority of Americans are good people who want to fight for what’s right. It’s the unity that I see in those who protest and who see injustice and call it out that truly make me feel good to be an American.

October 15th, 2019

Day 28: What about your home are you most grateful for?

I’m most grateful for having a home. A place to sleep. A place to keep myself clean and fed. A place where I feel safe. There isn’t really anything about it I’m more grateful for then anything else. All of it is precious to me.

October 16th, 2019

Day 29: What bill are you most grateful to be able to pay?

All of them? Rent is huge because without it I would have no place to live. My phone has everything and if I couldn’t pay that bill no one would be reading this now. Bills are such a necessary thing. The basics of living so I’m grateful to be able to pay them all.

October 17th, 2019

Day 30: What experience this month are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for having dedicated myself to doing this and my yoga practice. I’m grateful because I’ve noticed that through these two things I’ve been able to reduce my anxiety and depression and to feel myself again. I’m so much happier today than I once was and I did that myself and for myself. I’m excited for the future and I’m excited for each day and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Real Talk

I know I do this a lot. But, for me it’s the easiest way to process a lot of the stuff that’s going through my mind. As well as sharing my process into becoming the best version of myself I can be, because I think that’s helpful. To hear about healing and growth from someone who is still figuring stuff out.

Also, to know that you shouldn’t have to figure everything out at once. I feel like we all put so much pressure on ourselves to be one way or another, but it’s all not necessary. If we all just do the best we can at a moment. Even if our best is simply showing ourselves a little self-care then that’s golden!

Im my life I’m proud that I’ve gotten to a place where I’m more often happy then not. Honestly, a majority of my life wasn’t like that and it wasn’t my fault. I’ve realized a lot of things that I thought were terrible parts of me aren’t actually so terrible.. just human. This isn’t to say I don’t make myself accountable for mistakes I made, but I no longer define who I am by my mistakes. I course correct. I remind myself to do my best in every situation and to be kind and I move forward.

But, more recently I’ve added be happy to that too. To follow anything that adds to my happiness. And the weird thing is I’ve realized that people actually prefer me happy. That might be a weird thing, but in my mind I didn’t really think people much cared or noticed if I was happy or not, but they do. It’s also interesting that the happier I am the more blessings that follow. The other day I found a 5 dollar bill on the floor and no one else seemed to see it. My coworkers often offer to share food with me (which is a thing in itself.. I swear people always offer me food). A random customer gave me one of the perfume samples she got after I complimented her perfume. I’ve also had more coffee in the past few weeks then I’ve had in my whole life.

It’s like being happy=more things to be happy about. I’m not complaining. It’s opened a whole new world before me. The past few days I’ve sorta been not focusing on it as much as I should only because I’ve been working so much. But, talking here is helping me to refocus and think about how things are working out in a beautiful way even if I can’t see how in various situations yet. Sometimes there are blessings that come from the shadows and your perceptive shifts in an instant and everything changes.

Anyway, I’m headed to sleep, but this was a nice little thought bubble post. Your input is much appreciated.

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Yesterday’s Wordcount: 0

An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

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-Till next time!