August Goals

Every day recently has gotten better and better for me. Mostly because I decided a long time ago to be happy and grateful no matter the circumstances and so far that’s really been working for me. It’s the simple stuff. I’m putting more things that make me happy as priorities in my life and letting be whatever gives me a sense of pain.

One thing I’ve oddly turned to has been making food. I never liked the idea of cooking. Mostly because I don’t like the mentality that a women’s place is in the kitchen and that turned me off of cooking for years. However, I’ve gained a lot of independence in my life recently and part of that has been making food for myself.

I’ve enjoyed making myself bean tacos and finding different recipes on Pinterest I’d like to try. I’m making some popsicles out of ingredients I find around the kitchen. I like making different recipes my own and being surprised by how good they actually taste.

One of my goals for the month is to continue exploring that new aspect of my life and trying different things.

Mostly, I want to keep my goals as loose as possible. I’m feeling really good about myself and I want to follow that feeling and take things one step at a time. I talked already in a previous post that I’m really going to be focusing on finding myself a better job during this month. So I’ve been applying around and figuring out where I’d prefer working and what the best step forward is for me.

I know that my focus has been more about internal and practical stuff, but that’s what I’ve needed to focus on recently. I will always be a bookworm. I will always find joy in writing. But, I needed to choose myself and focus on being better as a person so that when I write it’s something that I can give my all to in a positive way.

I may write this month. I may read this month, but my main focus is on my own happiness and peace of mind. I don’t want to bite off more then I can chew and restart old patterns that weren’t healthy for me. I know I can handle a lot in my life. I’ve handled plenty, but I’m working on making all of my dreams come true one step at a time and I realized even just today that as good as I’ve gotten at letting things be I can still get worked up over certain things and I need to continue refocus on the positives.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle Website!

-Till next time!

I Feel At Peace

I am a person who often has a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams and will often wish those things were in my reality now, but I’m feeling that is something that’s changing in me. Yes, I have my dreams. I have them and I know they will come true in the time they are meant to.

In 2019, I have sat for a very long time in my anxiety. In a way where I learned more and more where it came from and why I felt that way. For me, it stemmed from never having anything truly solid to hold on to for over 18 years. I didn’t know where I was going to be at any given moment. I didn’t feel safe having friends. I didn’t feel like anything I had would remain.

You take that feeling and you enter a new stage of life where it’s now about working and making your own way and being responsible in a way that has consequences that affect so many others and also dealing with seeing someone you love rapidly aging from illness in front of you causes a very real chaos in your emotions. Yet I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My dad has cancer and that’s not going away.

I’ve already experienced falling apart over everything. Back in November I experienced one of the lowest points in my life if not, the lowest point in my life and the emotions made me physically sick. I had an aftermath of months of feeling heavily depressed and very anxious and I did what I needed to to heal that in myself.

I am no longer holding on to all of that. I’m trusting that my future is going to be ok. That I’m going to be ok, because if I can get myself together after feeling that much pain I can get through anything. In my life right now I’m going after what makes me feel good. I’m making myself a priority. I’m caring for my body and eating healthier foods. I’m continuously letting go of the past and thanking it for the lessons it’s taught me. I’m moving into a time in my life where I’m accepting only the best for myself.

I haven’t felt this peaceful with where I am in life in probably my entire life. I’m becoming a better version of myself in every part of my life. I think that even though I haven’t been productive in terms of career and writing I’ve found something even more important in really focusing on myself which has been my self-worth and peace of mind.

I’ve stopped blaming myself for things in general. I’ve stopped beating myself up and instead have been more focused on being my own best friend. I’ve found that I’ve actually been pretty positive about everything this whole time, because I always felt like my sadness was temporary and it was. Anytime I feel sad now is temporary and there is always happiness to be had up ahead. I feel good. Not just a temporary I feel good a lasting I feel good. That’s something special. I guess it’s like Endgame.. no matter how crappy you feel you have to keep moving forward and living your life and never giving up on the fight. Because even if there’s the smallest spark of something living to fight for the fight is worth it.

To everyone reading, I send you all the peace and love in my heart. I truly wish you all well in life. I wish all of you success and happiness. Even to people who aren’t reading this, people who have touched my life in any way at all. I wish all of you peace. I wish you all the deepest happiness you can find within yourselves. I wish you all experience great joy.

I am not nor will I ever be jaded by life. It’s hard enough fighting everyone else when the biggest fight you’ll ever have is at times the one with yourself. I’m tired of resisting my own life’s path. What’s meant for my life will come.

Thanks to all of you for reading! This was a bit of journalistic sort of thought process post for me. I hope you all enjoyed it!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

Till next time!

Feeling Proud

I haven’t felt this way in a very long time towards myself. But, I feel proud. I’ve been posting daily and I have a better way of going about it so that I still get a lot of time to be in my own head and do things I’m happy to do.

I have goals that I’m working on getting to accomplish. I have a much more peaceful time at work and I enjoy my coworkers. I feel at peace with my situation and am dedicated to my own happiness. When this goes up I will be at six flags with my family after not having gone for a few years and I know I’m going to really enjoy being there.

I also make sure to put myself first more often. To let others help me when they offer to. To truly be present in the moments I have. I’m proud. Proud because there was a time not so long ago that I didn’t go very long without crying. Proud because I give myself the proper space and time when I do want to cry. Proud because I am valuing myself and valuing how I feel. Proud because I’m honoring my feelings while maintaining that the next moment will be a brighter one.

I feel I can say now that I am happy. That I’ve grown emotionally and mentally in ways I never expected. I’m proud because I’m expecting a brighter future. I’m expecting good in my life and a whole lot of good has already come. I have people in my life that I care about. Not just my family, but friends too old and new. People who genuinely care about me as well.

I have people I’ve met on here that I love speaking with whenever I get the chance, people who have been of great support to me and who have raised me up.

I normally don’t mention religion in my posts, but I feel closer to God as well. I feel his guidance when I need it and with each step forward I feel his encouragement and I am grateful for it.

I feel good. Really really good. I feel like that’s something worth talking about and celebrating.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. You are all amazing and beautiful people. Thank you for being a part of my blogging journey! Without all of you, I’d be in a much different place in life.

-Till next time!

Goodbye Yesterday

I wanted to write this as a poem, but I stopped myself, because really the title is the poem itself. It’s all that I want to express in this moment. To say goodbye to every moment of the past as it exists and say goodbye. Because, my future does not exist in memories and it’s time to move forward and create new life for myself while honoring what was, but saying hello to what is and what will be.

For a majority of my life I held on to my past with a tight fist. All the pain of living a life constantly worried about where I was going to be the next day and if I’d be able to be with my family or if I’d have to face saying goodbye to them forever. I held on to a time where I lived in complete duality. Being one way in one situation and another altogether in other situations. But, I’ve grown up and that need to be afraid and that need to live my life wearing a mask is gone. My past doesn’t haunt me. Not anymore. I’ve wholly forgiven myself for every choice that I’ve made back then. I have forgiven those in my life who have caused me pain.

I say Goodbye yesterday, because I’ve spent enough time thinking about what was and I’ve let myself heal. Now, now I choose my actions in order to start creating a future for myself I can be proud of. In the past, I often moved too quickly and expected too much of others. I set myself up for disappointment and even expected way too much of myself. I want to be successful yes, but I’m not going to practically kill myself to get there.

All there is in life is the present moment. I’m no longer going to try and force something to happen when the time isn’t right. I’m going to enjoy what comes as it comes. So, goodbye yesterday and Thank you yesterday. You’ve taught me much. The future has endless possibilities. I intend to meet them.. one moment at a time.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Just a Life Update

It’s currently 1:00 a.m., I’m writing this from the E.R. mostly to keep awake, but also because I have some stuff to share and maybe in some way this could help someone else who has experienced or will experience a situation like my own. Just so no one freaks out.. currently everything is fine. I’m not here for the same reasons I have been in the past.. where my dad was not able to see and was hallucinating due to a mini stroke and with me having no clue at the time what was going on. This visit was mostly planned. However, I expected it to happen in the morning not at midnight.

I even have stuff prepared so I don’t use up too much of my phone battery. I got my Write The Story Book with me and a book to read. I’ve been here for over an hour already.

When you visit the E.R. enough times you learn a lot of compassion for other people. Because it is the great equalizer, you never know when your going to get sick or injured and need help like everyone else does every once in a while. The first couple of times I’ve been here with my dad it caused me quite the bit of grief and anxiety. It’s hard to see a parent wither away so quickly. It’s even harder when it’s expected of you to remain calm and collected about the whole thing when your mind is anything but.

This time though I don’t expect to hear anything I don’t already know. I’m just hoping my dad doesn’t get admitted again… especially when I know it’s not going to last because they are just going to say there isn’t much of anything they can do.

This blog and work has been my saving grace these past couple of weeks. On those levels things have been going well for me. Mentally I’m so much stronger then I was before and putting a concerted effort into something I have a passion for has done wonders for my mental health. When you have a loved one that has major health issues it’s important to remember to take care of yourself. To work at things that make you happy, because I know from experience that running over and over in your head all the pain and sadness only causes more of it.

Being in the hospital so often also solidified for me something I already knew, that life is short and we all need to enjoy what we can in this life we can, because what’s the point really if all we did was wallow in suffering? I’ve seen so many elderly people lying in hospital rooms just waiting to die alone (not all quite a few have families, but quite a few also, do not) and that’s not how I want to end. That’s not what I want my life to be period. Yes, we have to feel the sadness. I spent a lot of time doing just that, but when it starts to become you, that’s when things need to change.

The strokes affected my dad’s mind. He’s become so angry and bitter at everything. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see. He forgets things.. he has an unhealthy attachment to the news and whatever Trump is doing. He’s not the man I grew up looking up to. I’ve had to mourn that man even while he is still alive.

Sometimes living in an environment where the reality is that someone you love is truly losing their mind bit by bit can become toxic. I’ve learned to deal with it by realizing that my dad isn’t really my dad anymore and to not take anything he says or does personally, because it stems from hurt and sickness and him facing the reality that he is dying. I do my best not to let the truth of the situation make me bitter.. or to not let it make it so I loose my mind with the sadness as well.

So I watch films and post about them, I get back to writing about books I want to read, I hang out with friends when they ask. I choose to continue living. It’s so easy to shut down in a situation like this. To let it consume you. But another truth is that there is so much to live for. So I’m there for my family as much as I can be. I’m there for my dad. I hold myself together sitting in the very lightly cushioned hospital chairs. I try to think about good things. To smile at pictures of cats and puppies and watch stupid videos to distract myself.

It sucks sure, it sucks to have someone you love suffer. It’s even harder when it changes them and sometimes in a not so good way. But, I understand it. I really do. I’ve cried over it, I’ll probably cry over it more in the future, but It’s a balance between compassion for your loved one and compassion for yourself. It’s a fine line and there’s no rulebook for any of this.

I look at my mom and I see how tired she’s gotten. How angry because she’s the one that deals with all of dad’s pain and anger directly. So when she’s mad at me for something small I let it go even if it’s to tell me to do something I’ve already taken care of. Or something so small it doesn’t even matter. I let everything go. Because I’m not going to let this situation cause all of us to start yelling at each other all the time. Because arguments happen and they happen more often then I’d like them to. I’m trying to be someone that doesn’t add to escalating an already difficult situation. I’ve learned more patience and calmness from this situation then any other of my life. I’ve learned not to take things personally from this more then any other. But, I’m not perfect. Not even close. Sometimes I loose my cool and argue back. Sometimes, I sit and the emotions wash over me and I just let myself feel. Sometimes anger comes over me and I have to remove myself from a situation so I don’t say something I would regret. Sometimes I fail to remove myself. But, that’s all part of being human. We have emotions. We hurt. We deal with difficulty. We persevere.

This isn’t at all a pessimistic post. It’s just an honest look at something I’ve been dealing with for a long time now. It’s an honest telling of what I’ve learned from it. I don’t like hiding things. I don’t like pretending like things are better or worse then they are. For me going through this has been hard, but it is manageable and this is not at all a post for the sake of being pitied. Stuff like this happens all the time, but if I can help someone through my experience to deal with their own then I do want to candidly discuss it which is why i choose to write this in the first place.

There is always hope in every situation. There is always something to be learned. I love my family. I love my dad. I wish that none of this would have ever happened, but it’s something that can be handled in a healthy way. It is now 2:00am and I think I’m kinda losing the message I was trying to convey so I’m going to stop here.

To all those who are going through a difficult situation right now, you’ve got this! You are going to make it through. I’ll be praying and rooting for all of you. You deserve the best.

Thanks you all for reading! I send my love out to all of you.

-Till next time!

Write the Story: One of the Best Purchases I’ve ever Made

I’ve been in and out of the works with my blog and pretty much everything else for the past several months and really I’m no longer upset with myself about it, because my reason for it has been pretty solid and I’ve gotten to a immensely better and more positive mental space because of it. So really, I’m pretty proud of myself. For once I let myself rest and truly rest. For once I listened to my body when it said enough. I listened to my mind when it needed to heal from feeling sad about the circumstances of life that befell me. I got to a place where I could take care of myself and let myself binge movies I wanted to binge and let go of reading sad stories for a long time because I couldn’t handle it.

But, this also meant I wasn’t writing. When I’m upset I do mostly end up writing, but it becomes dark and spun in a way where you can read back and literally see what a negative thought spiral looks like in my head. Spoiler alert it isn’t pretty. Most of the time they stem from having an argument with a family member or someone else I love. Or even me being sad about a problem in someone else’s life. Or feeling in general like I’m not doing enough. Sometimes, writing dark can bring out more darkness in me and I will feel more pain and more sadness then I need to. So, I stopped writing.

However, that didn’t make the passion for words in me die. It didn’t mean I was going to stop reading and writing forever. Honestly, I can’t think of a worse reality for myself. But, getting back to my passion I needed a way to take baby steps and I found the solution without even looking for it or realizing truly what one of my problems was in the first place. This wonderful book I found with no price tag on it at Barnes & Noble called: Write the Story.

This book was heaven sent. It has the quickest little prompts and words you should use in each story with just 1 page to write each with. It is a challenge and a blessing all in one.

Right away I decided to write my first little story in it and I plan on continuing on and writing in this unique booklet each day.

Here is my first story in my not so pretty handwriting:

I hope that this was readable for all of you. Also, please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes I tend not to be the best speller.

I am writing this at 1 am and that’s just how excited I am to have something fun to put my energy into again. Plus, having a gateway back to reading and writing and the possibility of getting to a place where I’m generally happy and excited about being alive again is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

If you guys are interested, I could make a post once a week of all my little stories I write in this book. There’s a ton of pages and it could take me years to get through, but I think it’d be a fun addition to my blog.

As always,

-Till next time!

You Asked for Perfect: A Review

You Asked for Perfect by Laura Silverman

My Rating: 5 Stars!

Cover Rating: 9/10 it may not be in a style I typically find to be incredibly beautiful I think this cover is perfect for this book. This story is very School centric and this cover fits that vibe very well for me.

Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire

Publish Date: March 1st 2019

Number of Pages: 288

Received: Netgalley provided an e-arc in exchange for an honest review

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

“For fans of Adam Silvera and Nina LaCour comes a timely novel about a teen’s struggle when academic success and happiness pull him in opposite directions. 

Senior Ariel Stone has spent his life cultivating the perfect college résumé: first chair violinist, dedicated volunteer, active synagogue congregant, and expected valedictorian. He barely has time to think about a social life, let alone a relationship…until a failed calculus quiz puts his future on the line, forcing Ariel to enlist his classmate, Amir, as a tutor. 
As the two spend more time together, Ariel discovers he may not like calculus, but he does like Amir. When he’s with Amir, the crushing academic pressure fades away, and a fuller and brighter world comes into focus. But college deadlines are still looming. And adding a new relationship to his long list of commitments may just push Ariel past his limit. 
Full of empathy, honesty, and heart, You Asked for Perfect is a story for anyone who has ever questioned the price of perfection.”

Opening Sentence: “My feet pound the ground.”

Musings:

You Asked for Perfect is a fantastic novel. It perfectly encapsulates the anxiety of trying to be at the top academically in school. The pressure school provides on students to be perfect in order to get the best possible future for themselves they can and how that can reck all sorts of havoc on students mentally.

What I Loved:

Honestly everything. Personally this book managed to get me to miss school, but that’s just me. I loved the juggling act of trying to be there for your friends while at the same time juggling school and extra curricular activities. I loved the romantic elements of this novel. I loved how music played a part in this novel. I also loved that Ariel is Jewish and those elements. So pretty much everything about this novel was fantastic.

The portrayal of anxiety. I remember being in school and really struggling in AP Calc and having to drop it because it was too much for me along with my other honors and AP classes. Ariel scholar that he is pretty much aces everything and studies like a maniac. (I admit I was never one that study nearly as much as this character). But, the constant being on your phone. Testing yourself on mathway or quizlet. Reading material or listening to a audiobook while trying to accomplish some other homework assignment. Asking for extra credit (even if you don’t necessarily need it). Pushing yourself and then being super critical when you get a c or even a b. Feeling like a total and complete failure if you dare get an F. (I admit to crying on the occasion I got an F). Thinking each and every moment your in school you are working towards creating the best possible future for yourself. Essentially, this book showcases how in school aiming for perfection can at times bring you to a breaking point.

Ariel and Amir together. Ariel is bisexual and it was super cute to see him fall in love with Amir. Amir has this gentleness about him and this understanding that lets him have the ability to chill out Ariel. He is the one that calms Ariel’s storms and helps him to see that it’s ok to settle down the work load for a while. To have fun at times and to remember that your relationships with other people are just as important as preparing for your future.

The weaving of Jewish Traditions. I love it when books include some sort of religion in it. Especially if I don’t know too much about it. So, what intrigued me about this was the various foods and the times for prayer and the Shabbat dinner mostly. The family practice and unity aspects were very beautiful to me and I felt like I was learning about a different aspect of the religion I didn’t know before.

Remembering that everything is about perspective. Ariel puts in front of himself the need to be valedictorian in order to make it to an Ivy League college and make something of himself. But, he finds that all the expectations have been created by himself and himself alone. He perceives others to expect a certain level from him and perceives his parents to expect perfection from him, but in reality it’s all a response to what he said he himself wanted from himself. In other words his own mind created a cycle of needing perfection and creating that to be his identity and when he isn’t perfect he feels he doesn’t have anything else to show as his identity. This was a really deep and introspective part of this novel that was so interesting to read and think on.

His friendship. Ariel is best-friends with a girl and I love that they have their own little rituals and things they do together. I also love that she was fully fledged as a character and had her own goals and unique background and story. The author did an amazing job of making each character their own and having them come off as 3D full fledged characters.

Final Thoughts:

I highly recommend ‘You Asked for Perfect’. It’s really well written. It has a great story and a great message.

(Side note to those still in school)

I feel it necessary to say that this book really encapsulates what school was like for me. However, having been out of school for a while and having the opportunity to go to college has been taken away from me till I turn 25, I want to say this: you do not know what the future holds for you. So please enjoy the time you have now. Have fun and make friends and enjoy time with them now. Do your best, but don’t get stuck in feeling bad when your not perfect because you will have so many more opportunities in the future. Yes school is important, but it isn’t everything. Live your life to the fullest now and enjoy the opportunities you have now in the present moments. Take care of yourself and have fun. You’ll thank yourself later for it.

About the Author:

“Hello! I’m a writer and freelance editor. I currently split my time between Atlanta, Georgia and Brooklyn, New York. Thankfully both cities have good bagels.

My first novel, GIRL OUT OF WATER, is a coming-of-age story about a California surfer girl sent to landlocked Nebraska for the summer to care for her younger cousins. My second novel, YOU ASKED FOR PERFECT, explores the effects of intense academic pressure through the eyes of a teenage Valedictorian-to-be as he juggles school, friendships, and family. You can order both books from most retailers or request them from your local library.”

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My Journey to Healing

Some of you know that I didn’t have the best ending for 2018 and that it effected me to the core. I was at a point where my mental state sucked. I was crying all the time. I was questioning everything. But, most of all I was in a state of deep hurt and sadness.

I could not read for a time. I took every sad thing I saw and absorbed it. I couldn’t even continue to discuss what was going on in my head because it made everything that much worse. I felt lost because I truly didn’t have anyone to really talk to about what I was going through. At the worst of it I contacted a crisis chat because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to turn.

I honestly thought I was going to need some sort of grief therapy at some point. But, that never came to pass. My healing came from turning inside of myself. Of staying authentic to who I was as a person and my beliefs, but also letting go of any thoughts of pain, negative thoughts, and any thoughts that made me feel unworthy of any good thing.

I turned to self care and heavy meditation as well as just letting myself be. Slowly, the days became lighter and lighter. I’d have some fantastic days. I got to a point where the good days became more then the bad things and life started not to feel so heavy anymore.

My Dad is still sick. He has prostate cancer as well as stroke issues. The hardest thing for me has been seeing him deteriorate. Sometimes he gets so angry and then depressed and that’s hard for me to handle sometimes. Sometimes his vision comes and goes and it has nothing to do with his eyes, but where the strokes affected his brain. He doesn’t want surgery and he doesn’t want to go through chemo so he’s just being monitored at this point. But, the good news is that he’s been pretty stable in his condition for a while. He hasn’t gotten any worse.

Personally, my mental health has gotten much better. I just needed time to be in my own head and to feel my own grief. Over time I remembered who I truly am at the core. The things I love to talk about. My interests in learning and movies, music, and comedy. Writing was not in my best interest for that time period, because even though it can be at times cathartic, I can often take on how my characters feel and I needed to let go of anything that could potentially add to my stress and sadness.

I can talk about this all now without feeling the pain. Where thinking about the past no longer brings up the past pain.

I am not one to hide anything. I don’t like being dishonest. I don’t like pretending to be anything I’m not. If I care about you, you’ll know it. If I have something I want to work I’ll try to come up with any sort of solution to make it work and sometimes that doesn’t turn out so well and I come off in a way that wasn’t my original intention. But, I own up to my mistakes. At the end of the day I want to be the best person that I can be.

So, I’m committed to starting my life over anew. I’m not going to hold on to any past pain. I get to choose who I am and what I do moving forward in each moment. I get to choose to be my own person and to enjoy what life has to offer me. I feel much calmer as a person now. I also feel more stable in who I am and how to handle anything new that would come into my life. At this point I feel ready for all the good the future has for me. I have a good relationship with all my coworkers. I am steady in what I want to do with my future. I feel good about my body and how I look. I am coping a lot better with the reality of my dad’s health. Also with the reality of my financial situation. I feel like I have all the tools inside me to create a life for myself that I can be proud of.

There is nothing wrong with having mental health struggles. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love or happiness. Taking as much time as you need to heal is valid. There is nothing wrong with feeling in the dark for a time, but you can’t let yourself become the darkness. You have to let yourself recognize the good in you and what you truly want for yourself and to let yourself have it. There is no glory in depriving yourself of love or happiness.

I’ve needed to rejoin the land of the living and I believe that I already have. A big part of it has been being able to go to the movies on Tuesday’s and seeing films like La Llorona and Endgame (which was amazing by the way). Feeling able to purchase something I like every once in a while. Letting myself joke around and sing and dance again.

Everyone in this life has the choice to make the best of their individual situations. To either live in their hurt or to transform it. Sometimes you need to feel the hurt. To think about things and turn them over and not make any massive moves in life. Sometimes healing means taking a long rest. But, when the time comes you have to let yourself come out of that cave. To move forward. That’s where I am at right now. In a place where I’m tired of suffering. My life is in my own hands. So I’m going to make the best of it.

Thanks for reading! This has been a long time coming. I couldn’t be more grateful for this community. I’ve made some friendships here that I will never forget. Thank you all for being a part of my growth. For being part of my support system. It truly means the world to me.

I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!

Why I Took an Unplanned Hiatus

Hello everyone!

I’m finally ready to come back to the blogging community. It’s been a while. A lot longer then I would have liked, but a lot has happened recently and I’m now ready to talk about it.

So, at first I took this hiatus because I had an issue at work with a coworker and the whole thing stressed me out because even though what happened was totally uncalled for there was the fear that I might loose my job. However, it’s all straightened out now and me and that coworker no longer work on the same shifts.

After that I got really sick. At one point I went to the emergency room because I was having panic attacks because when I coughed I felt like I couldn’t breath. I woke up at 5:00 am that day and could not sleep because of how bad my sinuses were. I’m still a little under the weather, but I’m much better now.

So in the time I haven’t been blogging I decided to do something I enjoyed while I was awake. Which was to finally watch all the movies in the marvel cinematic universe. I had been wanted to do this for a while, but never knew what order to go in and had only watched iron man, the hulk, and the guardians of the galaxy movies before setting myself on this quest. Today I finally finished all of them and so I’m going to do a blog series about my thoughts.

There is one more thing I want to talk about. During this time sitting just with myself I went through a lot of emotional purging and understandings. One thing is for certain. My mental health gravely impacted my sickness. Mental health issues aren’t to be messed with. They are real and they are strong and they can mess with you. They can be overcome. However, I had given into my own for a while. I let anxiety and depression run the wheel of my life for too long thinking those thoughts were there to protect me when they were lies.

Currently, I’m working on getting back to a better schedule and creating opportunities to talk about things that make me happy, rather then focusing on my losses. It’s been more difficult for me then I thought it would be, but giving myself projects to work on and getting back into reading and writing should all be helpful.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my reality, much like others deal with bipolar disorder, various phobias, and any other mental health issue. But, it does not define me. It makes my life harder. It makes the relationships I have more difficult then they should be, but in working to heal it I become stronger. I’m going to live my life moment by moment. I’m going to keep hope and faith in my life. I’m going to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. I think the more I do so the smaller the hold anxiety and depression will have on me.

There was a time that I thought my mental health journey wouldn’t affect my life that much. Where I made it smaller then it was. I allowed it to sneak up on me and take control. From now on I take the reigns. I’m determined to make each day something I can look back and smile about from now on. I spent way too much time while I was sick stuck in waves of negative emotion and then flipping back into more positive emotion. I’m going to stick to the positive as much as possible from now on.

Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back finally. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!