What’s Going On

No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.

First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.

The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.

Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.

In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.

Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.

Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Signing Off Habitica: A Major Change

Recently, I’ve been having the time of my life. The world looks so different to me now, but it isn’t the world that’s changed it’s me. I’ve changed. Or what I should say is I’ve changed back. I am back to my roots. To who I am at the very core of myself and that’s been something really incredible.

A while back I made a post about this amazing app called Habitica. I used it religiously and it helped me stay on track. See my problem for a long time was apathy. I was stuck in my own brain thinking nothing was going to become of me. I was in a situation (still am in a situation) that wasn’t my fault, but I had no choice in it. I thought my life had always been kinda like that. A series of unfortunate events (I need to read that series). I thought it was always going to be that way. So I gave up on myself. I had my passions, but I decided not to partake in them. I was a shell of a person. I let what I couldn’t control, control me.

It took a LONG time, but I looked at myself in the mirror one day and thought to myself “Is this what you want?” A very broad searching question that recognized that at that point I was going nowhere. Just going through motions. Barely living. I hated myself. There is no better way to put it. The hate fed into itself and told me that there was no way for me to come out of it. I was drowning and I didn’t want to so the answer I gave myself was “No.” I wasn’t living my life the way I wanted to. If I was going to make something of myself, I had to take action. That decision was one of the best decisions I had never made.

As part of that change toward positive action, I downloaded Habitica. It made me accountable. I enjoyed it. I liked the little pets and the idea of my actions leveling me up and gaining more skills. It’s a fun and enjoyable app. It brought me through a hard time. It helped me figure out how to achieve all my goals for the day every day.

However, my life has changed in a new way. I no longer need to keep continuous track of every action I take during the day. I have learned what my priorities are. I have learned how to make sure my main goals are complete. In a lot of ways spending time on Habitica now takes away from my time doing the things it’s helped me to keep track of. Plus, now I have a completely different mindset. I can keep myself doing what I need to on my own. I don’t really need Habitica anymore.

I have three different writing priorities and when I get that done I do as I please. Recently I barely use habitica at all and I think now is the time to say goodbye. I am so grateful for the impact this app had on me. It helped me figure out how I wanted to take action. Now, I want to let myself go on my own for a while. Do things more comfortably. I am more in tune with myself then I have been in a long time.

It’s a big thing because it means I am now comfortable enough with myself, with what I accomplish each day, to know that it is possible to give time for everything. So much so that I don’t feel guilty if I choose to relax a little. Most days, I’m too drawn to write anyway that it happens almost on its own. Plus I have fun doing it. I have fun writing my blog posts. In every aspect of my life I am so much happier.

So for now I say goodbye, but hello to a new day. New chances to continue writing as I like. Time for enjoyment as much as hard work. Because I had forgotten that in life you can have both. You can have a chance at all you dream of. I’m letting myself take whatever paths I so choose, and you know what? I’m going to have a blast doing it!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!