January 2020 Goals

I have very few goals for this month and all are pretty straightforward, but the biggest and the main one is to have as much fun as possible. Whatever I’m doing, I’m just going to have fun. I’ve learned how to do this at work and everywhere I go and my happiness has improved so much because of it.

My other goals are

1. To save at least $20 towards buying a fold out piano because I want to learn to play piano

2. To write 10,000 words towards a writing project.

3. To learn some sort of dance choreography/ tutting

That’s it. Everything else is just to have fun. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t really mind what form it takes. I just want to start off my 2020 having fun.

I’m so excited for the new year! It’s going to be fantastic. I’m smiling now as I write this. I have this feeling in my bones that this year is going to be just wonderful. I can’t wait!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! This post is a day late. I got a little sidetracked yesterday, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway! 

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My Thoughts on 2019

Words cannot express how happy I am with where I am in life right now. 2019 started off absolutely terribly. I was not in a good mental health state. I hope was hurting deeply and all I wanted was happiness for myself and everyone involved in the situation that occurred then.

However, because that occurred and because I got so upset with the fact that all I wanted was to feel joy and that I wanted to feel that alongside the people that I love and that I wasn’t living that at the time it allowed me to choose differently for myself. It allowed me to see myself for who I really am. Someone who loves so incredibly deeply and with every inch of her soul. Something that meant that I knew what it was to love unconditionally and that I needed to turn that love inward so that I could live that in my everyday life.

This year was defined by that decision. It took so many inward conversations. So much patience for myself. So much self-soothing and self-care. Then, day after day one improvement became several and it grew and grew to where I no longer felt depression or anxiety period. I gently soothed my depression and anxiety out of existence.

Needless to say I am so proud of myself. So proud of this reality I am now living. One where I have made my joy and my relationship with myself to be the number one most important thing in my life. That by doing so I have created in myself a joyous person all the time. So much so that it is noticeable by those around me.

Doing this allows me to be the wholeness that I am with all who I am with. It lets everyone off the hook of having to be a certain way or do a certain thing in order for me to be happy. I just am. It is the gift I will give to every friend I have. Every coworker and every family member. It will be the gift I give to my significant other in the future. The gift of me taking responsibility for creating my own joy and following it and not making anyone be my excuse to not be happy.

One of my deepest wishes for all human beings is for everyone to experience the fullness of joy that they possibly can for themselves. It is why I have started walking this path of my own joy. Because it would be the greatest gift I could give to myself and everyone in my life would benefit from it.

It is something that is never done, because there is always more and more fun to be had and more and more fun ready to be realized, but to have realized this by the end of the year and to have changed so deeply from it is incredible to me.

I can’t say how much I’ve experienced more fun and more good things just from appreciating every moment of fun and everything that brings me joy in the moment they are there. 2019 has been the set up for what I know will be the best year of my life in 2020. I have no idea what it will look like or what will be in store, but I know that my life is going to continue to change and I can’t wait to embrace it!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Books of Christmas Past

Last year, I did not receive any books for Christmas. Typically this boat talks about just that, but last year was a tough Christmas for me, but all that happened then has turned into a blessing for me.

See I was in no position to even really feel enjoyment with books or much of anything in general. The contrast to how I feel now in this moment is incredible. I have changed so much this year and I achieved the ultimate goal that I’ve had for the entirety of my life. Which is to no longer have depression or anxiety way on me. Especially the last three months, I’ve felt free of any sort of Depression or Anxiety.

I’m at a point where I’m happy all the time. I find enjoyment everywhere and life is wonderful all the time for me. After my birthday, I set out to write the best things that happened each day and I was so surprised and delighted to find these past 8 days have been absolutely incredible! I look back on this week and I think that I’d want to fill my life with as many wonderful and unique moments every single day into the future. It’s been incredible.

Mainly, what has changed is my beliefs about life. Which sounds bigger then it really is. I’ve just discovered that I can and should be responsible for my own happiness and that I’m good at it. I’m good at keeping myself happy. I’m good at finding things to think about that bring me joy. I’m good at allowing myself the things that create greater joy in my life. It’s an incredible thing.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas everyone!

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Today Was My Birthday! 🎈

Today I turned 21! Why I feel weird about it I’m not exactly sure. Maybe, I just being technically considered an official adult when I have the humor and sarcasm of a 14 year old boy. Or the fact that being 21 means I can buy alcohol and I could care less about that.

I don’t know. On one hand I’m in the amazing place in my life. I can feel so deeply that I’m about to start seeing some amazing things happen in my life and yet another part of me just wants to be a kid. Not that being an adult means that you have to discard all childish things. I’m never going to give up the lightness of joy I feel when I connect to the childish things of life.

Maybe it’s just my impression of being 21 and what being an adult means. In reality, I can make it whatever I want. Which is what I am going to do. So I’m going to forget about all the things about being 21 I don’t really care about and define it for myself.

As a 21 year old I’m going to have the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.

This last year being 20 I spent a majority well, all of that time cleaning up my mental health. I literally don’t have depression or anxiety anymore. It’s unreal. So, I’m proud as heck of 20 year old me. I got myself through the darkest most scared parts of my mind and gently coaxed it into being happy pretty much all of the time. Which is honestly, the best present I’ve ever given myself ever. I didn’t kick depressions ass. I soothed depressions heart. I soothed it out of existence and that’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever done ever.

So that means 21 year old me gets to enjoy herself. She gets to live out one of the happiest years of life so far (I intend to continue the increased happy years). She gets to enjoy waking up being excited about the day. She gets to know that everything is always working out for her. She gets to feel good about herself. She gets to experiment with makeup and expressing herself because she finds it fun. She gets to have so much fun.

I am so excited for this next year in my life. I have evolved so much and I feel so much trust in myself and in the universe and I have this feeling, this inner knowing, that this next year is going to be filled with so much more to be joyous about then I can imagine! Every moment I am embodying more and more to be the woman that I desire to be. So whatever happens this year I’m ready.

I had fun today. I may have had to work, but I had a wonderful breakfast and an awesome vanilla latte and my mom actually surprised me with a gift of nail polish and an eyeshadow as I’ve been interested in playing with makeup recently and I always wear nail polish. I know I’m probably not going to wear it everyday. I just want to have fun with it and I feel that’s worth exploring.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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What Christmas Means to Me

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. It’s magic and joyous and kind. It’s as much the gifts you get as the gifts you give, yet as I’ve gotten old enough to go out and buy my own gifts for people, it’s the look on someone’s face when I give them something they really love that puts the biggest smile on my face.

Everyone on this earth wants to feel joy and happiness and to feel cared for. Christmas is the time where I really feel and see that all around me.

Then there is the romantic parts of it. Mistletoe and ice skating dates, drinking egg nog or a peppermint mocha with someone your getting to know, feeling that romantic pull in your heart. It’s a beautiful thing and it makes me feel excited, because I’ve never experienced that in person before and love during the holidays feels like it’s sprinkled with that little extra spice of magic.

People change during this time of year. There is more kindness. More remembering that we really are all in this life together and we are all deserving of being treated well. A lot of people donate time to feeding the homeless and more people give a little extra to those in need. More people are willing to give the benefit of the doubt and understand that mistakes are human.

This time of year is special. The decorations all around are gorgeous. There is a festive spirit you can feel in the energy of the people around you. I’ve seen so many guys wearing Christmas sweaters this year… so so many. More then the girls and I thought to myself, “the men really came through in terms of spirit this year and I want to hug every single one wearing one of those sweaters because I’m so proud. All of the women too while I’m at it. The Christmas cheer ends nowhere in my heart.”

But, what I’m most happy to say here is that this has been my favorite Christmas so far. It’s been happier then any other Christmas I’ve had and it’s because I’m happier now then I’ve ever been. Every single day of my life recently has been so joyful and full of life that it baffles me. I’m treating myself the way I always deserved to be treated. I follow my joy at all times. I follow my excitement at all times. Everything is working out for me. I’ve never appreciated myself or life in general more.

This Christmas feels so rich. Rich in happy moments with my family. Rich in dancing. Rich in singing until I got my annual sinus issues and even that hasn’t been bad at all. I’ve never had such a good time while my nose and throat were acting up in my entire life. I’m so deliriously and wonderfully happy and I know there is no end to it in sight. I know that my life is just going to get better and better. There is so much good to experience. So much music to fall in love with. So many books to read and movies to watch. So much to laugh about. I feel so blessed this Christmas and I know it’s a feeling I will have for the rest of my life.

Christmas is like all the best parts of life to me. I can only explain it as these visions of beautiful moments in my head. Moments like when I gave the item in my hand to a woman who was looking to buy that item and didn’t know where to find it. Then I just went back and got another one to buy myself. Moments like one of the guys that work as a janitor taking out the trash from my store so I didn’t have to do it myself. Then another time me holding the door open for the same guy when I was on my way to storage (which he didn’t want to accept at first.. which made my eyes roll, but I digress). Moments like my sister tickling me when I was trying to get her to fist bump my hand and us both ending up laughing tell we started coughing because it was all too much. Moments like picking out a free ornament from World Market with my family and finding the most beautiful animal ornaments to hang on the tree.

Christmas is a beautiful time of year. Filled with the taste of peppermint and lots of music and cheer. I love it with every fiber of my being and I appreciate so much Christmas this and every year.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Till next time!

A Coffee Kickback/ Review: Schism

This weekend has been wonderful. I woke up Saturday morning made some breakfast while listening to Christmas music. Then after breakfast I had some tea and read Schism for about two hours. After that I watched Christmas movies while drinking some coffee with my mom and my sister.

I watched “The Holiday Calendar” and “Holiday in the Wild” and well as “Holiday Rush”. Overall, a Christmas extravaganza. It was the most relaxed and myself I had been in a long time. It reminded me that you can make any day special and do whatever it is that would bring you the most joy at life the spur of the moment.

Christmastime this year has really showed me to enjoy every moment as well as the unfolding is happening. Because nothing is ever done, not really. Life is constant movement and I’m so ready to enjoy and dance in it again. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing recently. So much so that I have noticed that I no longer find a trace of depression or anxiety anywhere at all. I am so free and from that place of freedom I know that the world will be my oyster and I can’t wait to see what else unfolds.

On to the review!

Schism by Britt Holewinski

My Rating: 3/5

Cover Rating: 4/10 it’s not the best in my opinion. It fits the setting and the genre, but I feel like they could have done something so much cooler. It kinda looks like they just kinda photoshopped a few things together that in some basic way fit the story and that doesn’t really do it for me.

Publisher: Delirious Pixie

Publish Date: March 15th, 2016

Number of Pages: 264

Received: goodreads giveaway

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

“My name is Andrea Christensen. I’m one of the oldest oldest people in the world.”

The first book in a new YA, dystopian trilogy, SCHISM is a story of survival, of good versus evil, and of constructing a future with only memories of childhood.

A virus, created by the smartest minds in the United States government, which is meant to target male adults in times of war, is accidentally released before testing is complete. Within weeks six billion people are eliminated from the world. The only survivors are prepubescent children.

Five years after this catastrophic event, a young girl named Andy Christensen and her two friends are forced to leave their home in Bermuda and return to the North American continent. There, they discover that America is wild and chaotic, and people have instituted a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Andy and her friends soon band together with fellow survivors in search for a new place to call home.”

Opening Sentence: “The two young men moved quickly under the cover of night, the summer air thick with humidity.”

Musings:

Schism is post-apocalyptic in a very dark way. It really paints a negative picture of human beings being at there worst most of the time and the few that are good that are trying to make the best of it all. People are raping and human trafficking and murdering all over the place.

Not only that but it’s kids doing all these things to other kids because all the adults were killed by a virus. It’s utter chaos. Nowhere is safe. There’s drug trading and just a whole lot of awful things and as smart as the kids are the pieces of hope are few and far between.

What I liked:

The pacing. There was always something happening and the story moves pretty fast. There is always something shocking to wonder at.

The characterization. Everyone was pretty distinct and they all had their own motivations for acting and I really enjoyed that.

Not too unlikely of a scenario. I want to believe that if this really happened that all the kids of the world would behave this terribly, but honestly I don’t really know. I want to hope humanity would do better, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the reality.

The idea itself. I like an interesting concept and this sure was unique. It was an exploration of what could be.

All in all:

An interesting and intense novel. I had my issues with it, but overall it was enjoyable read.

About the Author:

I was born in Boston, but moved when I was less than a year old. I lived all over the country growing up, so I had to adapt and learn to make new friends quickly. I was a gymnast at a highly competitive level until I was 15. Then I focused more on school, especially math and science because I wanted to become an astronaut.

After high school, I went to the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana, where I studied mechanical engineering. I graduated in 2000, and attended graduate school at Pennsylvania State University. After getting my master’s degree, also in mechanical engineering, I went to work for the CIA shortly after 9/11. I travelled all over the world for my job, including 3 years in the Middle East. I decided to leave the Agency after 14 years to focus on writing, which is where I am today!

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Till next time!

Thanksgiving Gratitude Post

This year Thanksgiving feels different to me. I used to not care for it so much because I wasn’t always where I wanted to be for the holiday and it would always be awkward and with food I never cared for. This year. This year I realize I am where I want to be.

I’m at a time in my life where I’m excited. Excited about the future. Excited about all the amazing things that have seem to start pouring into my life lately. I’ve been feeling good far more often and my perception on life has changed immensely.

Also, the food this year was great! I enjoyed all of it and that’s the first time I’ve ever felt that. I find that a lot of traditional thanksgiving food is just not for me.

On another note, I feel deeply that I’m on the precipice of something big in my life changing. Something beautiful and happy. It’s been so strong in my mind for the past couple of months and with each passing day I feel it stronger still.

Maybe it’s not even one thing in my life that I feel is on the edge of changing. I once again feel so deeply myself more and more and I’m following my joy. This has lead me to writing again. It’s lead me to trying out makeup for the fun of it. It’s lead me to taking better care of my body and feeling good about what I wear and my body in general. It’s lead me to rest free on days I feel compelled to without judgement. I feel free and knowing that I did that for myself is so mind blowing and wonderful to me.

I know what it’s like to go through a deep depression. I know what thought spiraling yourself into a hole feels like. To have loved myself enough to free myself of that and feel fucking amazing every day is incredible. I’m so proud of the woman I have become. Someone who honors herself. Someone who cares about herself enough to let go of thoughts that bring her sadness and to start focusing on all the good that life has to offer. I did that. I’m not in the trenches fighting a war with my own mind anymore. I’m happy. If that’s not something to be grateful for then I don’t know what is.

Then, there’s the basic things I’m grateful for. Great music to dance to. That video of any animal on my feed. A great book to read. Seeing people happy and laughing with one another. Seeing random acts of kindness. Doing something that brings someone else a moment of joy. Having a place to sleep, eat, and shower at. Having a job. The coffee I’m drinking now at 12:24 am even though it is probably way too late for coffee. Having a tooth brush and toilet paper. Having the phone I’m typing on right now.

I’m in a place in my life of extreme gratitude. 2019 for me has been a year of learning and becoming the kind of woman I always wanted to be. It’s been a year of overcoming and going from barely just existing for a while to truly thriving. But most of all from living in fear to taking that fear and blowing it up in flames and replacing it all with things to be joyous about. Going from worrying about if I even deserve happiness to knowing I deserve the best of all that is. So much so that I am fully responsible for my own joy and happiness regardless of what is happening in my life.

I have transformed this year. If nothing else that’s the best gift I’ve ever given to myself.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! What are you grateful for?

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The Way I Pick My TBR

The way I approach my TBR now a days is very different from how I used to approach it. Which was pick whatever on my shelves I was in the mood for and go.

I have a decent amount of books on my shelves I have simply never gotten too, because I’m always reading the next awesome book that comes my way. So I decided enough was enough and that I’m not going to reduce the amount of books that come into my life cause I love them and I know I will get to them all eventually, but that I was going to form a system that would ensure that I got to them all unbiasedly.

So what I do now is I have all my Netgalley and books from authors and publishers for review on a list and after I read one of those I read one book from my shelves picked by random.

The random part I set up by putting all the books I haven’t read yet into a google doc separated by comma and then I put that into a random word picker and it’ll pick my book for me.

So now I have a running tbr instead of a monthly one and it looks like this:

TBR reading order:
Schism
Autonomous
An Act of Faith June 4th
Seaspell
Glow book 1 July 16th
Ps I still love you
The Grace Year September 17th
Horns
The Orchid Throne September 24th
Witchmark
Jack Keri is dead to me April 7th 2020
Luna new moon
Orchid Unshaken Diana’s release
Pride and Prejudice

Every time I get a book for review I add that book and one book from my haven’t read tbr list and read down the list. Usually I read review books by their release date order so sometimes I fiddle a little with the order, but this is the current list I have ongoing.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! How do you pick your tbr?

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The Forbidden Warriors: A Book Tour Review

The Forbidden Warriors by Moud Adel

Typically I would start off a Book Review with all the links and information and then get on with my thoughts. However, this is a Book Tour and it’s the first one I’ve actually done and committed to posting so I have a mini aside to ramble about here. I want to thank Breakeven Books for reaching out to me. They have put so much effort and love into this tour and Erik deserves all the praise for it.

Now that that is out of the way, on to the review!

My Rating: 3/5

Cover Rating: 8/10 I adore painted covers. This one is really pretty and I love the jungle vibes it has. The only thing is as adventurous as the book itself is, they don’t really go into a jungle that I recall at any point. It does cover the fantasy elements the book has.

Publisher: Mastoperia Books

Publish Date: November 15th, 2019

Number of Pages: 368 pages

Received: e-arc in exchange for a book tour review!

Purchase: Amazon

Synopsis:

Four teams, multiple power systems and mythical creatures, vast world, and there can only be one winner.
Mastoperia: A hidden continent with four factions divided and suspicious of each other, with a history of unresolved wars, each grounding themselves in their own unique culture, and magical power.

The Forbidden Warriors: The only force powerful enough to keep the factions from destroying one another. The secret to their power is a mystery, but the only way to hold on to it is by passing the power to a new generation every two and a half centuries.

As that time has arrived, each faction must offer a candidate to become the next generation of the Forbidden Warriors, but only one can be the leader. In a race for that leadership position, four candidates and their teams travel across a world mysterious to them, to hunt artifacts they know nothing about.

The mission is not easy, their goals are not aligned, and the truth is far bigger than they could have imagined. A challenge none were ready for.

Will they choose their own interests, their factions’ or defy all that they know for the sake of their world?

Opening Sentence: “Amarin wrapped his fingers around one of the hot, steel bars centering the massive gate.”

Musings:

The Forbidden Warriors is a high fantasy/sci-fi novel filled with a unique factions system and lots of unique magic. This multi-POV novel will take you on a journey with its many characters as they fight against each other to become the leader of The Forbidden Warriors.

What I enjoyed:

The second half. This book got better as it went along. The second half was pretty juicy with the elements it had going on. Including relationships between characters building and being strained and The Forbidden Warriors having their own alternate agenda for our characters.

The idea of the powers. There were many nuances to the various faction powers and they were all interesting to learn about. However, I felt like they were a little over explained in the beginning and I wanted to see the powers explained for themselves in more practical usage instead of just in telling.

The cultural differences between factions. I kinda wish this was highlighted more. I was interested in the history of the factions and a little bit more of the inner workings of them. I feel like there is a taste of that throughout the novel, but it wasn’t touched on as deeply as it could have been.

Some Criticism:

Too many pov’s: It took me much longer then I would have liked to get a sense of whose POV I was in, who was related to them, and what faction they were from. I think I was half way before I really got a sense of all the individual stories and that threw me off a lot of the novel.

All in all:

I enjoyed myself while reading this novel and that’s the most important thing. I don’t quite think the book reached the potential it could have, but it is interesting and fun to read as it is.

About the Author:

Born and raised in Egypt, living in France with a degree in ancient Egyptian history and a passion for writing. I developed my love for storytelling early on and was fascinated by the idea of deconstructing worlds and building new ones that fall under the laws of my imagination.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Celebrating October!!

This October I did a lot of things. I didn’t post as much as I wanted to, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have quite the spooky and wonderful October!

One of the highlights was watching Shane Dawson’s Episodes of the making of the Conspiracy pallet! Which I am saving up money for so I can purchase the bundle with the lipsticks and lip balms when they do a full restock in 2020. I was so excited when they announced that the collection was going to be permanent because it’s the first makeup I’ve ever been excited about buying and I can’t wait to get my hands on it!

Another big YouTube thing that happened was Markiplier’s: A Heist with Markiplier! I watched it and got every single ending and I was never more proud of one of my all time favorite You-tubers!

As for the spooky things I watched, I finally got to watch Annabel: Comes Home on a rental DVD with my sister. It was really nice because for some reason the dvd wouldn’t work in our tv DVD player, but it worked on the computer DVD player and we watched it being forced to sit closer then usual and it felt like a nice bonding experience with my sister.

I also watched The Exorcist tv show seasons 1 & 2, Uncanny Annie, They come Knocking, a weird movie called New Year, New You, and both seasons of Scream Queens. I enjoyed the majority of what I watched and it was for the most part a nicely spooky time for me.

Then, on November 3rd I went to six flags fright fest, which was fun, but there wasn’t that many monsters. I went with my sister her friend Tony and his nephew Andrew and really I barely know either of them so the only person I had to protect me from scares was myself. This lead for me to develop my own “I’m not scared” technique of smiling like a mannequin while walking in scare zones and being as ridged as possible while I’d get monsters growling in my ear. As well as staring down any monster in my sight, because if I see them coming I’m way less scared.

The whole time I meant to post about some of the movies I watched, but towards the last two weeks I got distracted and the last week of October and into November some personal things happened that lead me to have a short bought of anxiety and sadness. I got over it much more quickly then I have before and I feel great now. It’s just sometimes things happen that hit you hard when your not suspecting it.

All in all, I had an incredible October. I listened to my Halloween playlist non-stop. I added many songs to it (I love it even more now then ever). I wore my spooky earrings all month long (I’m in need of getting myself more cause you can never have too many spooky earrings). I bought two adorable Halloween mugs and I finally got an adorable Hocus Pocus Sweatshirt from Hot Topic that I had my eyes on since I first saw it. I also got another vampire t-shirt that I want to wear all the time.

I love October and I adore Halloween. Something about the spooky season lifts up my spirits and makes me feel so alive. I love how everyone puts on whatever costume they like and become macabre character versions of themselves. I love the horror and the exploration of all our greatest fears. I love the decorations and the dark vibe Halloween has. It’s a wonderful season and I enjoyed every moment of it!

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! What did you do for Halloween? Did you dress up? Did you watch some spooky films? How do you love to celebrate the season?

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