My 3rd Blogoversery!!!!

This is my 3rd blogoversery. Officially I’ve been blogging for over 3 years! It’s been an incredible journey and I can’t say how incredibly it has changed my life.

Blogging has been my anchor in what was the most difficult period of my life. It was my something to do to pull myself above water and to take responsibility for my own happiness and health.

Through blogging I had a place to discuss my moods and my depression and through that I started to see what triggered it and how to find a way out. It helped me sit one on one with my anxiety and how I couldn’t continue on the way I was before. I learned how to flip the script in my mind to appreciate what I had in front of me. To honor my wants and desires and to let go of everything not in my control.

What I blog about and how often I do so has changed much. I do the best I can when I can. But, if I don’t feel like it that day or didn’t have the time I let that be ok. So many of you have stuck with me for so long. Some of you I’ve talked to personally about some of the more difficult things that have happened. Doing so has helped me immensely and I am grateful to those of you who know who you are.

I can’t say enough how amazing it is to be in a better place now mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is to say I still have bad days, but they don’t dictate my life. I’m human. I’ve learned to hold onto the good and let go of all the rest. The amount of good that has come from that choice has been infinite and I know that an infinite of good is what’s out there for me.

To every single person who follows and reads my content, Thank you! If anything I’ve ever said has made you smile or think a little deeper or helped you in any way whatsoever I’ve done my job as a blogger. Thank you all for being there. You have truly changed my life!

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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30 Days of Yoga

I joined the Fightmaster 30 day yoga challenge in order to increase my flexibility and strength for yoga and this is how it went:

August 31st, 2019

Day 1:

I started this late and on a whim, but I’m glad I did. This workout was more of a stretch, relax, and feel good in your body then anything physically straining. It showcased how yoga is about being mindful and present in the moment and I really enjoyed the act of feeling good just being in my own skin.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/zzonBs06mX8

September 1st, 2019

Day 2:

This yoga introduced downward dog which has always been one of the more difficult positions for me because of the strength it requires. But, it was introduced in a light way so it actually felt nice to ease into it. I love these videos because of how peaceful they are. It’s more about the peace of mind and relaxation then it is about the positions. Which is what I believe yoga is and that’s why I’m excited to continue on over the next 28 days!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/nU7MedKNpLs

September 2nd, 2019

Day 3:

Today’s workout was super peaceful. I got up early. Got it done and my body felt really good while doing it. My mind felt clear and that was the best part!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/hNBWF2xvdOs

September 3rd, 2019

Day 4:

I am starting to really get used to things. I like that this time happy baby was added, even though it always has been a weird pose for me. It just feels peaceful to participate in this and so I’ll be happy to see how the rest of the month goes! Got a late yoga session with this one.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/hbMrx_Al1pU

September 4th, 2019

Day 5:

Today plank was added and I shook a lot for the first time. Other then that downward dog seems to be getting slightly easier and I am finding that I simply love the peace of the practice. Yoga I had done before had almost no room for me as my body isn’t really all that flexible. Although, I know with more practice it can get there. Either way I’m actually liking doing a bit of yoga each day.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/hOiFFhNvHoA

September 5th, 2019

Day 6:

Today I really felt the stretch in my back. My spine was cracking and twisting and it needed this today. Hopefully by the end of the month my forward bend flexibility increases. I’ve always desired flexibility and I think it’s time I dedicate myself more to it so I can thank myself later.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/BzmxPvv1c7I

September 6th, 2019

Day 7:

A week down! This time I did a nice morning workout and did an ab workout afterwards. This video was a little more strength based and doing the plank pose makes my body shake a bit, but developing strength and flexibility is important so It’s all good. Also, it’s my first week completed which is something to celebrate!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/ZSI3VUn6tI4

September 7th, 2019

Day 8:

Today was the start of the 20 minute long sessions and it didn’t really feel any longer. I was in downward dog and plank a lot more, but I feel like I’m building up more arm strength. This was an afternoon session and I find that my back is feeling really good and stretched out afterwards and I feel very relaxed. I’ve very much enjoyed the practice so far!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/yYnIl4z6cpw

September 8th, 2019

Day 9:

Today my hormones were pretty imbalanced and I didn’t feel like doing anything. However, finally at night I decided to do my yoga practice and it’s the peace it gives my mind that makes me happy to practice everyday. Honestly, my monthlies tend to depress me and a lot of the time I give in because I get in pain and I’m tired, but the yoga reminds me I can push through.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/uKBzhC91zU0

September 9th, 2019

Day 10:

A morning session today! I loved the stretch in my back I got today. My body needed this yoga session. All the moves are becoming more fluid and easier and plank isn’t making me shake as bad anymore. I love that this is building strength as well as flexibility. But, most of all this is helping me with patience and peace of mind. When you can have peace in your mind I think you can handle and do anything!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/gpVoqFi3vC8

September 10th, 2019

Day 11: Late session! I went to see It: Chapter 2 today so I couldn’t do yoga this morning. I noticed that I could stretch a bit deeper into one of the stretches today. Slowly, I’m getting better and that fills me with pride!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/OlzpyEjgDs4

September 11, 2019

Day 12:

I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to practice today. I got off work crazy tired, but I’m glad I was able to make some time to do it anyway. It always feels really good.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/bP75NKKCOFo

September 12, 2019

Day 13:

Today was a bit more difficult. There was more downward dog to plank to cobra positions. As well as new positions that increased a bit of the intensity. However, I found I could get through it not too badly so I’m pretty proud of myself!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/cb0hOHn1UhM

September 13th, 2019

Day 14:

I was glad that today was for 15 minutes. My mind has been all over the place and this practice is very grounding for me. It helps me feel peace. Even as it has gotten increasingly more difficult. Though I find I ease into it well enough. I’m happy to have committed to this these past two weeks.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/PAOxy—1qU

September 14th, 2019

Day 15: there was this new stretch today that I’ve never done before that felt incredible. I also noticed I had a slight increase in my flexibility. As well as downward dog and plank becoming ever more easier and comfortable to me. My back always feels great after a practice and I feel that it’s helping my back to be a little more aligned. Also today I was noticeably able to deepen my forward fold.. which is probably my weakest flexibility point. I’m super proud of that because it means that as I continue my practice I will also continue to get better!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/8PsbNxI0gWk

September 15th, 2019

Day 16:

Today, I know I was on the precipice of not doing my practice. However, I’ve been so good at doing it so I’m glad I put my foot down and did it anyway. Today she added reverse table and it made my arms burn a bit, but for the most part it felt like a good burn. I’m getting very used to the regular poses and am now pretty comfortable with the majority of the practice.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/eUPShtvPhnU

September 16th, 2019

Day 17: Today was very short. A nice reprieve after several heavy work days for me so this was very much welcome! I’m excited to continue the practice. I think I’m falling in love with yoga.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/GFK4R4DUaYs

September 17th, 2019

Day 18: Today was the first time I found myself break a sweat. The new pose today was pretty intense and I couldn’t fully straighten my leg, but I did my best! But, all in all, it was a lovely practice as always.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/0l548HXWfDM

September 18th, 2019

Day 19: I did a morning practice and there was a new pose added that felt pretty interesting. I liked that it was focused on hip opening and stretching muscles that usually don’t get stretched.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/6OyCLWZTq04

September 19th, 2019

Day 20:

Today was all about twists! My back feels so wonderful right now. I’m hoping that since I can’t go to a chiropractor anytime soon that the yoga helps with my back alignment. Another peaceful practice today!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/ZnW0NDDDQrE

September 20th, 2019

Day 21:

Today’s practice was a meditation and I’ve been pretty tired today so I’m glad it was something gentle. It’s the end of the 3rd week and I’m proud to have kept this up! I don’t always stick to stuff like this, but I’m glad to have stuck this one through!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/9FKJZPR-X9I

September 21st, 2019

Day 22:

A 30 min practice today! I almost forgot to do it, but I’m glad I remembered and did it before it got too late. Today the practice simply felt good. My back popped a lot, but that is normal. As always, a peaceful practice.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/yQhmH6S0eb4

September 22nd, 2019

Day 23:

Today’s workout was really exciting for me! I noticed significant improvement in all the poses. Especially my forward fold which I could only bend with my back straight to wear I could touch my knees and now I am a little bit above my ankles. I’m so proud of myself! Improving my flexibility has been a major goal of mine for the majority of my life that I never committed to. Now doing this practice everyday and it’s only been 3 weeks and I’ve seen such major improvement! It just goes to show you can do anything you set your mind to. Also, I’m arm strength has also improved! I’m doing better in every aspect!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/jpmV72rgNto

September 23rd, 2019

Day 24:

Today was not as breezy as normal. My arms were tired from work and then doing this was tougher than usual. I’m hoping that tomorrow my arms feel a bit better. I think it’s just that today has been a strange one all around and I’ve been tired all day. Hopefully, after some rest tonight I can feel a bit better tomorrow.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/fB-wNCqlyEY

September 24th, 2019

Day 25:

I got my flu shot today. So during this practice my arm was a bit sore. She did some fast vinyasas and I was not exactly happy with it. But, my back always feels so good after a practice it’s always worth it. She introduced pigeon pose today. It was a bit intense, but not too bad. All in all a great practice!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/ON8TAGuUgTY

September 25th, 2019

Day 26:

The start of today’s practice I was a little out of whack. But, as the practice continued I entered the flow of it again. Some of the poses today were preparing for headstand so I’m excited! Especially because I was doing those poses well and that meant I might be ready to try next time!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/Zq3qlpByTZw

September 26th, 2019

Day 27:

Today was a stretch day. Something I was grateful for. Somehow though, this was a little more painful to me. I think it’s mostly because it is my weakest part. But I know with practice my flexibility will increase.

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/mfvbDUtWiJA

September 27th, 2019

Day 28: I am so proud of myself today. I had a sucky day today. Honestly, it was probably the suckiest day I’ve had in awhile, but I calmed myself, I looked at why I was feeling the way I was and I turned it around. Doing this yoga today was so wonderful! I successfully did crow pose. Which is basically holding your whole body weight up with your hands. Plus, I realized I love fightmaster so much because she really talks about how everything is progressing at the level you are ready for and that the pose isn’t what’s important. It gives me a feeling of pride to know I really am doing my best at the level I’m at, in yoga and in life!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/7LKPgLB5iHI

September 28th, 2019

Day 29:

Today I noticed I could go even deeper into my forward fold. I didn’t understand one of the moves, but I tried it again afterwards and realized that I was putting my hands in the opposite direction and finally got it. Also inversión prep today! It was nice to walk myself up the wall and feel like I’d eventually be able to do a full handstand!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/xRif9lkEumc

September 29th, 2019

Day 30: I Learned today that I may not be completely ready for a headstand. But, what is most important is that I dedicated myself for 30 days and I made it! I also made some incredible progress! Eventually I will make it to the headstand, but the majority of this practice was about mentally dedicating oneself and progressing at your own pace. I’m so glad I decided to do this! It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m so grateful to fightmaster for creating these videos. She is so peaceful and kind! I can’t wait to further my yoga practice and continue progressing to see how my body adapts and continues to do amazing things!

Workout of the day: https://youtu.be/V-9A6fH9TxA

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

Real Talk

I know I do this a lot. But, for me it’s the easiest way to process a lot of the stuff that’s going through my mind. As well as sharing my process into becoming the best version of myself I can be, because I think that’s helpful. To hear about healing and growth from someone who is still figuring stuff out.

Also, to know that you shouldn’t have to figure everything out at once. I feel like we all put so much pressure on ourselves to be one way or another, but it’s all not necessary. If we all just do the best we can at a moment. Even if our best is simply showing ourselves a little self-care then that’s golden!

Im my life I’m proud that I’ve gotten to a place where I’m more often happy then not. Honestly, a majority of my life wasn’t like that and it wasn’t my fault. I’ve realized a lot of things that I thought were terrible parts of me aren’t actually so terrible.. just human. This isn’t to say I don’t make myself accountable for mistakes I made, but I no longer define who I am by my mistakes. I course correct. I remind myself to do my best in every situation and to be kind and I move forward.

But, more recently I’ve added be happy to that too. To follow anything that adds to my happiness. And the weird thing is I’ve realized that people actually prefer me happy. That might be a weird thing, but in my mind I didn’t really think people much cared or noticed if I was happy or not, but they do. It’s also interesting that the happier I am the more blessings that follow. The other day I found a 5 dollar bill on the floor and no one else seemed to see it. My coworkers often offer to share food with me (which is a thing in itself.. I swear people always offer me food). A random customer gave me one of the perfume samples she got after I complimented her perfume. I’ve also had more coffee in the past few weeks then I’ve had in my whole life.

It’s like being happy=more things to be happy about. I’m not complaining. It’s opened a whole new world before me. The past few days I’ve sorta been not focusing on it as much as I should only because I’ve been working so much. But, talking here is helping me to refocus and think about how things are working out in a beautiful way even if I can’t see how in various situations yet. Sometimes there are blessings that come from the shadows and your perceptive shifts in an instant and everything changes.

Anyway, I’m headed to sleep, but this was a nice little thought bubble post. Your input is much appreciated.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

Yesterday’s Wordcount: 0

Perfection

Perfection is an ideology

Wrapped in a tight rope around our minds

We strive and strive to the standards that will always be moved one block above our heads unreachable

Let me say that again unreachable

Because the hands create the blocks and pile them up higher and higher

The video game buzzes “Ok”, “meh”, “perfect”

We climb and climb this ever growing mountain

And dig ourselves a hole of depression and anxiety piled up in our insecurity and worthlessness

We think perfection is the answer to love and all that’s holy, but the truth is we will never get there and acceptance

Well that’s the clarity

When you start to heal the expectation of being anything other then who you are

in every moment of bitterness

you cut the bindings

Suddenly your body is a masterpiece

Suddenly your happiness is within reach

Suddenly your not chasing your creating

Suddenly your not afraid of the societal definition of who you should be

Perfection is spoon fed into the mouths of all our children

Perfection is yelled into 4th grade track teams and football wannabes

Perfection is sewn into the fabric of our literal clothing

But, wouldn’t you be surprised to hear the places that make a profit from the defects

You see nothing you do is worthless

Especially not because that something was a mishap

We all make mistakes, thousands every day

So let’s stop kidding ourselves

Let’s give who we are some kindness

It’s ok. You are ok.

Let’s clean out all the madness

Peace is found in letting go of who we think we need to be

All the thoughts that cause you suffering don’t need to suffocate the joyful laughter that lives inside your ever passionate heart

Dust away those thoughts so you can create a reality of celebrating true humanity

Perfection doesn’t exist and it never did

So stop hurting

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I wrote this poem on a whim like a majority of my poetry. It’s an idea I’ve been thinking about a lot. I hope you enjoyed!

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Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

-Till next time!

“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

I Feel At Peace

I am a person who often has a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams and will often wish those things were in my reality now, but I’m feeling that is something that’s changing in me. Yes, I have my dreams. I have them and I know they will come true in the time they are meant to.

In 2019, I have sat for a very long time in my anxiety. In a way where I learned more and more where it came from and why I felt that way. For me, it stemmed from never having anything truly solid to hold on to for over 18 years. I didn’t know where I was going to be at any given moment. I didn’t feel safe having friends. I didn’t feel like anything I had would remain.

You take that feeling and you enter a new stage of life where it’s now about working and making your own way and being responsible in a way that has consequences that affect so many others and also dealing with seeing someone you love rapidly aging from illness in front of you causes a very real chaos in your emotions. Yet I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My dad has cancer and that’s not going away.

I’ve already experienced falling apart over everything. Back in November I experienced one of the lowest points in my life if not, the lowest point in my life and the emotions made me physically sick. I had an aftermath of months of feeling heavily depressed and very anxious and I did what I needed to to heal that in myself.

I am no longer holding on to all of that. I’m trusting that my future is going to be ok. That I’m going to be ok, because if I can get myself together after feeling that much pain I can get through anything. In my life right now I’m going after what makes me feel good. I’m making myself a priority. I’m caring for my body and eating healthier foods. I’m continuously letting go of the past and thanking it for the lessons it’s taught me. I’m moving into a time in my life where I’m accepting only the best for myself.

I haven’t felt this peaceful with where I am in life in probably my entire life. I’m becoming a better version of myself in every part of my life. I think that even though I haven’t been productive in terms of career and writing I’ve found something even more important in really focusing on myself which has been my self-worth and peace of mind.

I’ve stopped blaming myself for things in general. I’ve stopped beating myself up and instead have been more focused on being my own best friend. I’ve found that I’ve actually been pretty positive about everything this whole time, because I always felt like my sadness was temporary and it was. Anytime I feel sad now is temporary and there is always happiness to be had up ahead. I feel good. Not just a temporary I feel good a lasting I feel good. That’s something special. I guess it’s like Endgame.. no matter how crappy you feel you have to keep moving forward and living your life and never giving up on the fight. Because even if there’s the smallest spark of something living to fight for the fight is worth it.

To everyone reading, I send you all the peace and love in my heart. I truly wish you all well in life. I wish all of you success and happiness. Even to people who aren’t reading this, people who have touched my life in any way at all. I wish all of you peace. I wish you all the deepest happiness you can find within yourselves. I wish you all experience great joy.

I am not nor will I ever be jaded by life. It’s hard enough fighting everyone else when the biggest fight you’ll ever have is at times the one with yourself. I’m tired of resisting my own life’s path. What’s meant for my life will come.

Thanks to all of you for reading! This was a bit of journalistic sort of thought process post for me. I hope you all enjoyed it!

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Till next time!

The Flow of Insight

When the sand falls away slipping through open fingers simply flip the scale and the sands start anew racing towards a destiny in the reverse direction.

Be like the child for the child doesn’t have care for what was or what is they take joy in their confusion and delight in each morsel of knowledge that comes their way.

Be like the mother who loves and does not count the child’s mishaps for in her eyes she sees only the love and in that purity nothing else matters.

Be like the air that flows and sustains life, it transforms endlessly and does not fear the change as it comes.

Be like the heart that loves without eyes for it knows the truth of where it’s home lies.

Do what you will in life, for life lives for itself and then it dies. No one knows the truth of death, but the truth of life is nothing and everything matters so be at peace and follow the call of your own beating pulse.

One sees the sun and one sees a star both are right. Peace is when they accept the understanding of another’s perception.

Trying to be perfect is like trying to alchemize gold from dirt, physically impossible and yet the magic of it calls the truest hearts. To let go of perfection is to free the spirt and only then will the best of you shine unencumbered.

The world stops turning for no one. It’s peaceful in its round face. Peace is being unaffected by chaos. Staying grounded in spite of the earths shakes.

Thanks for reading! This is a short bit of poetry. I was thinking of things that help me feel more at peace with myself and what is and this is what came out. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

Life is Beautiful

I’ve talked about my life a lot on the blog. I’ve talked about some of my deepest struggles and some of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve talked about my relationship with mental illness and my bouts of depression and anxiety as well as feelings of things just going horribly and unchangeably wrong at various points of my life.

It took me many a break from blogging and from productivity in general to pull myself free from negative thinking and negative cycles. Because no after how many things go wrong in life its how you deal with it that matters and for a while I couldn’t see past my own pain and grief to see all the good that life has to offer.

Life is all about perspective. Sometimes there is value in letting yourself feel hurt, but becoming the hurt and the guilt doesn’t serve you or anyone else. One of the things I’ve worked deeply on in myself is not feeling like a victim. Letting go of the idea that anyone else’s actions have anything to do with me and accepting my situation for what it is so that i can make the best of it.

One thing I despise is pity or being in a state where everything feels like it sucks. I was once in a point of my life where that’s all I could see. The awful line up of events in my life that came up one after the other, but I’ve given up my power to them for way too long.

Life is beautiful. I am not defined by the things that caused me pain. Especially not the pain that was self-inflicted by my own mind. Which, truly was the biggest part of it. I am not someone who will ever choose to stay stuck. I might need to simmer in my sadness for a while, but I always come out of it. Without exception.

I am making my happiness my main priority. My marvel posts and posts like this one are a big part of that. I take care of myself with so much more care then I once did and I value myself so much more as well. For once in a very long time I feel whole.

You can choose to dance with the darkness in yourself or become one with it. I choose to dance with it. To understand it and to remind it of all the light the world has to offer. This world is so beautiful. Full of creatures that live their lives to the fullest. Full of nature and music. Full of reasons to laugh and be joyful. Full of reasons to dance.

That is what I am choosing to focus on. Enjoying friendships. Enjoying the ability to try new things. Enjoying a new found sense of peace. I get to create the story of what is to be my life and I want to make it a good one, not only that, but a happy one and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make it so i go out of this life with a smile. Because life truly is beautiful and there is so much to be grateful for.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Goodbye Yesterday

I wanted to write this as a poem, but I stopped myself, because really the title is the poem itself. It’s all that I want to express in this moment. To say goodbye to every moment of the past as it exists and say goodbye. Because, my future does not exist in memories and it’s time to move forward and create new life for myself while honoring what was, but saying hello to what is and what will be.

For a majority of my life I held on to my past with a tight fist. All the pain of living a life constantly worried about where I was going to be the next day and if I’d be able to be with my family or if I’d have to face saying goodbye to them forever. I held on to a time where I lived in complete duality. Being one way in one situation and another altogether in other situations. But, I’ve grown up and that need to be afraid and that need to live my life wearing a mask is gone. My past doesn’t haunt me. Not anymore. I’ve wholly forgiven myself for every choice that I’ve made back then. I have forgiven those in my life who have caused me pain.

I say Goodbye yesterday, because I’ve spent enough time thinking about what was and I’ve let myself heal. Now, now I choose my actions in order to start creating a future for myself I can be proud of. In the past, I often moved too quickly and expected too much of others. I set myself up for disappointment and even expected way too much of myself. I want to be successful yes, but I’m not going to practically kill myself to get there.

All there is in life is the present moment. I’m no longer going to try and force something to happen when the time isn’t right. I’m going to enjoy what comes as it comes. So, goodbye yesterday and Thank you yesterday. You’ve taught me much. The future has endless possibilities. I intend to meet them.. one moment at a time.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!