“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

Welcome to the Slipstream: A Review 

Welcome to the Slipstream by Natalka Burian

My Rating: 4/5 stars

Publisher: Adams Media

Publish Date: June 6th, 2017

Recieved: Netgalley provided a e-arc copy in exchange for an honest review. 

Pre-Order: Amazon

Synopsis:

Bright lights, big trouble
Fans of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak and Judy Gregerson’s Bad Girls Club will relate to this story about a girl traumatized by her brilliant mother’s serious mental illness.

Like a grown-up Eloise from the picture book, the main character, Van, lives in an upscale casino in glitzy Las Vegas, giving readers entree into a crazy world that few ever get to see.

Based on real life events witnessed by the author, a harrowing look at the dangers of self-help cults that promise insight and instead deliver destruction.
With her mother, a brilliant businesswoman with fragile mental health, Van arrives in Las Vegas at the Silver Saddle casino, where Alex, a college student, is assigned to “babysit” her. Van is used to having to land on her feet, because her mother and her surrogate grandmother move from city to city all the time like corporate gypsies, but Alex introduces Van, a talented musician, to a group where her guitar skills may shine. But just as she’s about to play her first gig, her mother is lured in by a con man promising a “vision quest” in Arizona, and Van must go on the road to find and save her mom.

Musings: 

This book was one of those books that was weird in a delicious way. It’s so real and honest in how it portrays each character and all the interactions that occur. Vans mother is very sick and the beautiful way of that Natalka writes her illness and Vans struggle to ever truly understand and connect fully with her mother was amazing. The familial love in this book is done so well because it portrays the hard parts of love as well as the easier parts. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like giving up, but some part of you always keeps you going. 

I also really enjoyed the Vegas setting for the beginning bits, but I’m a little upset that the synopsis gives away so much of the novel. I.e the second half where Van goes after her mother who is on a vision Quest as the supposed prophet of a certain psychedelic group of people. 

However I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here. Let’s just talk about my absolute favorite relationship that this story enfolds Van’s relationship with Ida the woman who is the glue to this very unconventional family. Ida is an elderly woman that is like a chill grandmother that pays attention and really cares. Without Ida there is a lack of balance and things fall apart, but when she is present she knows how to be stern yet encouraging and truly a role model for Van. I love her more then words can say. 

When Alex shows up as this awkward yet endearing love interest for Van. It felt very fitting. I really enjoyed how Van didn’t seem to know exactly the best way to interact with Alex and vice versa. I just enjoyed the weird ways they got to figure out who they were to each other. When Alex finds out Van can play guitar and introduces her to some friends in a band who needed a guitarist. All the adventure there was fun to read. 

But, it didn’t stop there. Van’s mom is such a lovely character because she is so unpredictable and when she is stable she is like a light that Van can’t help but want to be like (she would never admit that even uncounciously) and when she is low… well things get really difficult. When you find out her mom is attached at the hip with a “psychic therapist” and things start going crazy at the hotel, Van’s mom’s job gets compromised and when Van’s mom takes off with her therapist to the middle of nowhere things get weird. 

This book is a novel centered around discovery and finding out what it is you really want from life. It is about imperfection, mental instability, and a tornado of relationships that will leave you filled with curiosity right until the very end.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review. What do you think about Welcome to the Slipstream? I’d love to hear your first impressions! 

-Till next time! 

Subtle Touch 


The strength of held hands 

The power of a hug 

A simple touch on the shoulder 

The solidarity of a look

 A comforting touch 

A hand holding a cheek

Sitting next to a loved one

Our actions let us know 

That we care and are cared for 

Have you ever felt the happiness of hands caressing your hair? 

Sometimes we notice 

How simple touches make us feel 

But so often it’s forgotten

How a subtle touch can make us feel 

It oftens says a lot to be present in ones life

To be there to comfort 

To be there when things go right 

A high five 

A handshake 

Secret gestures between great friends 

A smile to a stranger 

A dance 

Being quirky 

Being you 

Without saying a single word

There is so much our subtle actions 

Say about who we are 

There is beauty in a smile 

A simple touch 

A wink 

Cuddling for warmth

 A moment shared 

Touches given 

Are the way we share our hearts

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. 
-Till next time!