restart – The Book Raven

A long time ago now, when I first started blogging, I used to blog practically everyday. I read like my life depended on it and I never let myself miss days. Then life happened and I stopped for a while and I’d restart over and over and over again and it’d be ok for a while, but it wouldn’t last. I haven’t gotten myself to make it stick.

In the meantime I’ve gotten myself so far behind as far as books to read and review and posts to create that a lot of the time it feels impossible when I try to come back.

In March in particular, I started college again. I am study to be a pharmacy technician and eventually to become a full pharmacist. I need a better job and the ability to increase my income for my family. Along with the heavy class workload im still working as many hours as I was before and honestly, I’ve just felt myself get exhausted and all I’ll want to do is watch a movie or YouTube or play Fortnite with my friends at the end of the day.

I’ve gotten pretty overwhelmed with life. I want to read and write and blog too, but I can’t seem to get into the mind frame I need to continue and it breaks my heart.

However, last night, I had a particularly awful night and my dad has deteriorated further and it causes him to yell and be angry a lot of the time. I’d just finished watching ‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ which had already put me into a weird mindset and then I helped my sister put my dog into her harness and she bit me (it was my fault not the dogs). I felt this odd sense of going through motions and feeling the solid ground of life crumbling beneath me.

At this point I’d started to cry and I’d texted my partner all that had happened. Then, they started talking to me about this story they’d come up with a long time ago. It was about a hero who felt burdened by his power. His power that was so unique and special yet so fragile. A power that temporarily relieved ailments in a marble and the bigger the ailment the more fragile the marble. As I asked them for more details about it I felt myself calm down. Then, I’d said “You know I need a bit of that right now.” And they told me that my situation is what inspired this in the first place.

I was floored. I felt seen and loved and stunned when they told me that they’d come up with it a few months into us dating and hadn’t told me about it till now. It made me appreciate them for the person they were. It also made me want to write again. It reminded me of that feeling of discovering how a story is created bit by bit. It also made me feel that my partner is and always has been perfect for me.

My life has been in a lot of turmoil the past couple of years. I’ve had Abdiel by my side for over 2 years and they’ve given me a peace and a hope during all the crap I’ve been given for all of that time.

When I talk to them I realize that I can focus so heavily on the pain that sometimes I miss the joy that is standing right there in front of me. Abdiel who thought up a character that’d give me a short bit of relief from the life I live. That would give me a moment of joy. That is one of the purest forms of love I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want to blog again. I want to write stories again. To give others that feeling my partner gave to me in such a beautiful way. Things in life have been messy and it’s not really going to get any better. However, I can chose to give myself time for my passion and to give myself and others that temporary relief in life, because sometimes that’s all we’re really needing and searching for.

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Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.

I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.

The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.

Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.

So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.

So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.

So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.

Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!