The other day I got an email from a representative of St. Martin’s press offering a e-arc copy of S. Jae-Jones “Guardians of Dawn: Zhara” for me to review. This was unexpected and completely mind blowing to me as I have not been an active reviewer for quite some time. What also was unexpected was my reaction. I read the email and I sobbed. Not normal sobbing either, I was sobbing like someone who was grieving a loved one. I had thought this part of my life, writing, reading, being a reviewer, had been put behind me. Yet even after so long people are still remembering me as someone who’d they’d like to support and promote their books.
It pains me so much that I’ve left this industry for so long. It tears at my heart. I flooded with tears because I realized there was still a place for me here. A place for me to be a champion for books and to spread the love and passion for stories that has always lived inside me. Yet even as I write this I feel the drum of anxiety inside me. The desire is so true yet so is the idea that I’ve not done this for so long that I don’t know how to begin to return. I’ve failed so many times to come back for a reason. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good enough anymore?
Yet, I still got that email. I still had someone look at my other reviews of S. Jae Jones Wintersong and Shadowsong and they decided that I was worth reaching out too. Even with my poor Netgalley ratio of 56%. Even when I haven’t been in the game for several years. They still thought to give me an opportunity I’m sure many others are really hoping for themselves. Everything in me screams at me not to waste it.
Truth be told I’ve been afraid to be active on my blog the way I once was. To give so much of myself to this incredible community again because I know that there’s several tragedies in my life that have been coming for a while now and I’m afraid to start this again only to be blindsided by loss once again and feel forced to leave again out of my own grief.
I feel like I keep ignoring my call and the more I ignore it the more it contributes to my sadness. So for once I’m picking up the phone and committing myself once more and trusting that I’ve been called for a reason and things will be ok.
So I’ve decided and I know it’ll be a lot of work, but I think building this blog back up and expressing myself through writing once more is the best thing for me to do. I’m excited. I have a writing project that I’ll announce that’ll be up on wattpad for those interested to read for free. It’ll take a couple months for me to put it together and write it all, but I feel it’ll be worth it.
I’ll stream on the rare occasions that I’ll get. It’s pretty rare because after I started streaming my dad changed his sleeping schedule and I can only stream when he is asleep. I am a bit bummed about it cause I had just gotten a vtuber model to work. It is what it is.
I don’t have an excuse anymore and I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to continue here. It’s time. Time to be The Book Raven once more. I’m here to stay in both good and bad times. So you all will be hearing from me a lot once more.
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