Using Crisis Chat for the First Time

Yesterday, my mental health plummeted. I wasn’t and have never been suicidal so at least I’m still ok in that way, but I was in so much emotional pain that I felt like throwing up and I could barely eat. The only reason I didn’t throw up was because I hate that more then anything and I will avoid it at all costs. Hence the very minimal eating.

My dad is doing very poorly. Currently, my family and I are on our way to emergency and yesterday once I got off work (I don’t know how I managed to work in the mental state I was in) we went to urgent care and then got his chest X-rayed. However, on top of the already mounting health issues my dad now can barely see. Plus, the way he is talking.. it’s been really hard for me to cope.

Last night, and these past few days I’ve just desperately needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling about the craziness that has become my life. To be open about how lost I feel. How broken I feel I’ve become. How that doesn’t feel allowed for me due to my responsibilities. To talk about how I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost my relationship with someone who made me feel happier everyday.

Everything piled up all at once and I don’t quite know how to handle it. Yesterday I watched YouTube video after YouTube video trying desperately to find any happiness I could. To laugh so I would forget where I was and so I wouldn’t cry. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I need some healing mentally, but I know things seem to only be getting worse and I know that true healing is far away.

Right now, I wanted to talk a little about my conversation. Somehow, I was lucky enough to talk to a counselor who was also a writer! I didn’t find that out till the end, but it was still really cool to talk to someone who also wrote novels, but did something like volunteer to talk to people like me who are under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil.

One thing I noticed was how nice it was to be able to talk to someone who I could tell everything that was going on to. Honestly, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to, but I didn’t really need to. It just felt good to tell someone what was going on and know that they would listen. I’ve increasingly come to the acknowledgement that I need therapy. There is just too much weight on my shoulders and I don’t want to ever be a burden on anyone. Right now, I feel like a burden. That I’m just going through so much that I’m not only emotionally drained, but that I could potential emotionally drain other people.

My situation feels very unfair, but it is what it is and I have to live this life that I’ve been given. I want to be able to make the most of it, but yesterday I was barely functioning. My mom responds to my tendency toward apathy with a cut it out sort of mentality. Which in a way, kind of works-ish. I have too much riding on my existence in terms of my family’s needs from me to have the ability to completely crumble. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go to work at all. I was having a break down and yet I worked anyway, because it’s not my choice, but I don’t have many choices to make. If it was my choice I would have gone to an actual councilor then and there.

The reason I’m writing all this is because mental health is important to me. Sharing the experience of it is important to me. Being able to connect with others who have struggled and continue to struggle everyday is important to me. To be open in saying I’m struggling and hurting to show it’s normal. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Getting help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So please, if your ever struggling, please use a hotline or crisis chat.

Here is the link to the crisis chat.

If you need immediate help please call a crisis hotline. Here is a link to different numbers if need be.

Thank you for reading! Thank you all for being with me on my life’s journey. For caring. Many of you know my life has been up and down and crazy recently. I hope that this helps someone. I will continue to write posts like this one as time goes on. Helping someone with my story is all I hope for. Leave your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What Halloween Means to Me

Halloween is a time where children especially enjoy dressing up and getting ready to go grab themselves as much candy as they can. However.. as simple as that is. There is something more to Halloween then that. Especially to me.

Halloween is a time where everything that you are or want to be can come out to play. It’s where your fears come to the forefront and everything that makes your gut twist takes center stage. It makes your darkest fantasies come to mind and play out in front of you in the shadows. That monster under your bed feels very real during this one month.. or day for those of you who don’t engage in halloween festivities in the month leading up to it.

It’s a time when me and my sister feel the closest. We both love Halloween equally as much. It’s our lifeblood. All year we watch horror movies in the house. Yet, this one month we make it a point to watch as many as we can together. Way back when my tiptoe into horror was watching paranormal investigation with my sister. Then slowly I let myself sit down and watch.. really watch.. horror movies. As time went on I learned something about my fear and now I don’t feel it. Not like before. I crave horror movies now. I adore watching people play scary games (especially with a story). I have a blast listening to halloween music. Halloween is something that really brings out my happiness.

You know what else is cool about Halloween? Because anyone can be anything it is a time where EVERYONE is accepted. Anyone can dress up. Anyone can be who they want to be. It’s all in good fun. We acknowledge that we are all human beings living afraid on Halloween. We embrace our fears. Raise a glass to them. Thank them for keeping us alive. From keeping us living from doing something too stupid. Hoping that we aren’t touched by what fears us, but knowing we will be during this time, because that’s the point.

During this one time of the year I embrace the dark. I consider it even. What makes it real. What makes us afraid of it. Then I realize humans are the real monsters and in my mind I take a dance with my own fearful imaginings. Who, but us, celebrates all that is death, decay, bloody, and awful for a whole month? Not any creatures that I can name. It’s just us. Yet, it’s glorious.. because illusion and beauty and pain and fantasy all come out to play. We pay to experience horror and be fooled by people just like us scaring in suits and behind masks. We are good at it too both actor and participant. Because the actor becomes what we fear something otherworldly and dark. Yet we decide for just a little while to suspend our disbelief and wonder.. what if our nightmares came to life?

That is what Halloween means to me. It Letting go and setting your demons free. Embracing your humanity. Embracing the one thing that binds us all.. death.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Can’t Breathe: National Poetry Month


A constriction of air in my head 

A pressure beyond I can contest

An anxiety building out of control

A feeling that is full of undeniable fear 
I pace and rage 

What can I do 

How can I fix

This terrible feel
It burns and hurts restricting my chest 

A fish in water yet can’t breathe none the less

Helplessness and intensity stabs at me 

Ohh how I wish my airways wouldn’t fail me 
Let me breathe 

Clear the path

Calm the storm 

That’s a wrap
Thanks for reading!!! I honestly feel like this way too often. I hope you enjoyed this short poem. 

-Till next time! 

The Suffering Tree by Elle Cosimand : A Review

The Suffering Tree by Elle Cosimano

My Rating: 3.75 out of 5 stars

Publisher: Disney Book Group

Publish Date: June 13, 2017

Received: Netgalley provided an e-arc in exchange for an honest review

Pre-Order: Book Depository

“It’s dark magic brings him back.” 
Tori Burns and her family left D.C. for claustrophobic Chaptico, Maryland, after suddenly inheriting a house under mysterious circumstances. That inheritance puts her at odds with the entire town, especially Jesse Slaughter and his family-it’s their generations-old land the Burns have “stolen.” But none of that seems to matter after Tori witnesses a young man claw his way out of a grave under the gnarled oak in her new backyard. 
Nathaniel Bishop may not understand what brought him back, but it’s clear to Tori that he hates the Slaughters for what they did to him centuries ago. Wary yet drawn to him by a shared sense of loss, she gives him shelter. But in the wake of his arrival comes a string of troubling events-including the disappearance of Jesse Slaughter’s cousin-that seem to point back to Nathaniel. 
As Tori digs for the truth-and slowly begins to fall for Nathaniel-she uncovers something much darker in the tangled branches of the Slaughter family tree. In order to break the curse that binds Nathaniel there and discover the true nature of her inheritance, Tori must unravel the Slaughter family’s oldest and most guarded secrets. But the Slaughters want to keep them buried at any cost.

*TRIGGER WARNING* Graphic description of Self-Harm

Musings: 

Ohh My Gosh This Book is Fantastic!! Diversity alert!!! LGBT representation as well as the heartbreaking representation of self-harm. I love reading a diverse book without knowing it at first, it’s such a pleasant surprise. 

The writing was my favorite part of the whole story and that’s not something I get to say very often. The way Elle describes even the most mundane of things is absolute magic! 

I will give a little taste: 

Her mother’s wedding band was too loose around her finger since her father’s funeral. She fiddled with it absently, scrutinizing Tori. Her ratty smock hung slack around her too. It was splattered and smeared from work, a brightly colored palette that didn’t entirely manage to hide the hopelessness underneath. 

Something about these lines make me want to read them over and over again and I do! I eat it all up and it is glorious. 

On a darker note, this book deals with a very difficult subject that I didn’t realize was going to be a part of the book before I started reading it, cutting and self-harm. Early on in the book when the first instance of cutting occurs I was shocked and surprised, it was grotesquely described and was hard for me to read but I couldn’t look away from the page once the scene began. 

Cutting is a theme that is deeply woven into this text and for so many people that sort of thing is very triggering and although it does not detract from the novel in any way it is well worth noting here. 

Back to the brighter side, I completely and utterly enjoyed every second I lived inside these pages. All the characters were all so real to me, both those in the past and those in present day. 

I loved the twists of this novel, both the expected and the unexpected. There were so many moments to love and I am so happy that a lot of them were living in the past. Nathaniel’s past is so painful and raw, but what I loved most was that he never let those moments change the man he is and it made him become such a likeable character for me. Nathaniel is so loveable and protective and in a way that makes me want to protect him and save him from all that happens to him. 

Tori constantly breaks my heart in this novel. The way she is hurting and the way she deals with it shows a very broken soul, and there is something in me that makes me want to hold my hand out to her and just be there in hopes to ease some of the pain. All I really want for her is to smile and swim and have fun in life, the things that come her way are insane and I commend her for being able to deal with those things and to deal with them so well. 

I also loved the impact her Father had on this story while being dead. Tori’s father was woven so carefully into the pages of this novel and his love felt so strong to me despite his physical absence. Every place in this novel that meantioned Tori’s father either made me want to cry or made me smile or both. 

The magic that drove so much of the plot of this novel was also so intriguing to me, and I’m so sad that I feel like I can’t talk much about it here in fear of ruining the experience of it for yourself and so I will leave it alone by saying it was truly mystifying. 

This book will engage, haunt, and mystify readers with its very soul. This novel can’t help but prick you at your very core. Imagery, sadness, and the chains of slavery mix to create a dark swirl of a novel that tears at your heart, right to the very end. 

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review. Let me know what you think of The Suffering Tree. This novel is one that you must experience for yourself. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

-Till next time!



Chaos and Dreams

It was that dream again, the shadows moving across the bay, casted out by the soft glow of the moonlight. It was dark, it was always dark, but somehow the moon made the starless sky look beautiful. Then he would appear. His face shadowed unnaturally even as he would stand in the streetlights buried in the sand. He would waltz across the sand, somehow his shiny black shoes would never sink into it. A large bundle held in his arms. Before I could register what it was he held, I would be transported far away from him. My eyes would strain desperately in the dark. A sick feeling building in my stomach told me that that bundle was very important. I would run my feet sinking into the sand making it harder and harder to continue with each step. 

Till finally, I would reach him. My eyes drawn to the jet black hair and rounded freckled face of one of my closest friends. She dangled drugged and lifeless cradled like a babe tucked safely in his robustness. My heart would sink low to my feet at the sight of it.

“Follow me.” The man’s voice was always curt and strong. I knew that there was nothing to do but obey. 

It would be an instant before we were up the wooden steps of the pier and standing up an above the calm black waters of the ocean. 

“Your friend is dying.” He would say it emotionlessly it was a fact and nothing else.

“Do you wish to save her?” He was standing next to me looking directly at me, yet I could not see his face.

“Of course.” My voice somehow clear and sure despite the cold. She was dying and I could do something about it. Questions and doubts had no place in a moment like this.

“Then bring her back to life.”

In one moment to the next she was falling. The ocean moving harshly now consumed her. In another moment I would be suspended in there, then I too would be gone to the ocean’s depths. 

I wake up to the reflection of bubbles floating to the surface playing in my mind. 

“Honey! Your breakfast is ready!” My mom’s brown locks appear in my doorway. 

“I just woke up, give me a minute!” I push away the covers and sit up my mind trying to recover from the stark change in my reality. 

“What do you want!?” Instead of answering my mom just leaves, I wish she would care more about my attitude. She just takes it, like she takes shit from everyone else. 

All dressed and ready for school I walk down the stairs. “Sweetie, your food is getting cold.” 

“What’d ya make?” 

“Pancakes, eggs, and bacon.” 

“Mama that’s too much! You know we don’t have enough money to waste like that! Just an egg would have been fine.” I’m being a bitch I know, why can’t I just treat her right?

“Come Mija, Eat your food” 

I sat and ate, enjoying it despite myself. She really tries. Why must I always hurt her?
My mom brings me to school as she always has. She tried to kiss me on the cheek like she used to, but I just walk away and don’t turn back. Even this, this petty hurt, is a sign of the arrogance in me. I guess I do take after my father, the bastard. 

Thinking about my father leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I walk straight to my locker and grab my things not even bothering to wave at Celeste a friend from Physics as I pass by her. I’m sucky for doing that when she’s only one of a few people that are at school at this time. I head toward the library. It’s an hour before class starts and I need a place to be alone. I need to clear my head of all this angst. 

I grab a novel off the shelves and find a seat next to the window overlooking the parking lot. I set a timer on my phone for ten minutes before class starts and loose myself to living in a place that is anywhere but here.

As my phone chimes I groan, you always have to leave when a story is getting really good. At least school is usually somewhat enjoyable. I can sit in the back of my classes, earphones in my ears and let all my problems fade away. Music during lessons is always something to look forward to. I’ve never learned anything from a teacher that couldn’t be taught better in literature anyway. 

My first class is Mrs. Phillips an old crone who once was terrifying, but after her husband died of a stroke she faded away, she doesn’t care much about what us kids do anymore. There is no hope left for her. 

In the classroom, I see a friend Leroy with Natasha and Melissa sitting in the back of the room already. Leroy is a nerd, but he’s our nerd and if he wasn’t gay I’m sure one of us would be dating him. All the cute ones are taken or gay (or both), isn’t that the saying? Stupid cliche. 

Mrs. Philips doesn’t lecture, she just writes on the board and waits for us to do what’s on there, or not. I watch her sometimes, maybe I will give her something later, some flowers, or some candy. Would that make up for being a bad person? I don’t think so, but her loneliness makes me sad. 

“Why so forlorn there Adria, you’re even more depressed looking than usual.”

“Look who’s using all these big words all of a sudden! Have you actually been reading something I sent to you?” It is a defensive sarcasm that leaks into my words, but I know Natasha would never take offense to anything I say. 

“Gasp! How dare you!” Natasha looks over at Melissa dramatically, “Can you believe what Adria just said to me… The nerve she has! Why Adria of course I haven’t read any of the books you have sent me. Reading as I have always said… Is completely boring.” 

“Phew, I thought someone maliciously literate had taken control of your body and possessed you. I’m glad you’re still you Natasha, I don’t think I could handle it if you suddenly acted like someone else!”

“That’s enough ladies, Natasha and I have actually been studying for English together and she wanted to throw something….

“That’s enough Leroy!” Natasha reached over and covered his mouth. 

“This boy never knows what he’s saying, does he?” Natasha jabs him in the ribs and I look at Melissa as we all start to laugh. This is the sort of thing that makes me love my friends. 

After class Leroy and I walk together to Ap English. We are talking about stupidities as usual when Marcus a jock I’ve seen around comes barreling down the stairs crashing right into me and I fall back narrowly missing legs and feet as I tumble down. I land with my leg twisted the wrong way and dots forming in front of my eyes. The pain hits all at once, white hot resonating from my leg and radiating across my body in waves. It takes every bit of me not to cry out. 

A crowd forms around me and it takes forever tell I recognize Leroy’s hand on my arm. Before I can say anything he lifts me up into his arms and the crowd parts. Leroy has been talking to me the entire time, but I can’t make out what he is saying. I grab the sleeve of his shirt in my hands and squeeze it with all my might. All I can feel is the consuming pain. Before I can register it fully I am in the nurse’s office and Leroy is setting me down on the bed. 

“Do you want me to take notes for you for week? You look terrible and I doubt I will be seeing you at school anytime soon.” 

That’s when I started laughing and crying all at once. The pain, my mother’s worry, the bill she would have to pay without insurance to cover it all, Mrs. Phillips and her tragedy, and this boy, this amazing friend in front of me is asking me about taking notes for me while I am gone. 

He engulfs me into a warm hug and the tears soak into his fancy shirt from a store I could never afford. “What would I ever do without you?”

“My friend you have it all wrong, it is what would I ever do without you!” Then I really break down and hold him tighter to me. 

“You know, sometimes I really really wish you weren’t gay.” I mean it when I say it, but I also know that Leroy is no ladies man. He is cute, caring, smart, and hopelessly in love with men. I’m being stupid and unfair again and I cry harder. 

Leroy looks down and smiles at me in a heartbreaking kind of way as the nurse shows up to let us know that the ambulance has arrived to take me away. 

“Don’t worry and get better! I’ll drive Natasha and Melissa over to see you after school, you know how crazy they will be when they find out.” 

A paramedic walks in to take me outside. 
“Thank you” I say, “For everything.” 

Leroy’s smile against the chaos of all that has passed is the last thing I think about as the ambulance takes me away. Then my sedated mind gives way to that same tragic dream and I lose myself in suffocating waters once more. 

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this piece. It is a draft of a piece I am writing for my creative writing class that is meant to be a short story. I may be thinking of expanding it to something book length. What do you think? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

-Till next time!

Hello Me, It’s You: A Review 

Hello Me, It’s You edited by Hannah Todd

My Rating: 5 stars!

Published: October 10th, 2016

Recieved: Netgalley provided me with an e-copy in exchange for an honest review

Purchase: Amazon UK

“Keep smiling and being you. Don’t let the world change you”
Hello Me, it’s You is a collection of letters by young adults aged 17-24 about their experiences with mental health issues. The letters are written to their 16-year-old selves, giving beautifully honest advice, insight and encouragement for all that lays ahead of them.
This book was produced by the Hello Me, it’s You charity, set up by the editor, Hannah. Hannah was diagnosed with depression and anxiety whilst at university and found comfort in talking to friends about their experiences, realising she was not alone in her situation. This inspired the idea for the charity and book. Through the creation of materials such as this, the charity aims to provide reassurance for young adults (and their families) who are experiencing mental health issues and give a voice to young adults on such an important topic. The result of that will hopefully be a reduction in the negative stigma surrounding mental health and an increase in awareness of young people’s experiences. All profits go the Hello Me, it’s You charity, for the production of future supportive books.
Trigger warning: Due to it’s nature, the content of this book may be triggering. Contains personal experiences of depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, trichotillomania and other mental health issues, as well as issues such as assault.

Musings: 

This book is beautiful. This book is necessary. This book needs to be read. 


One of the most intimate things you can do is write a letter. There something about it that pushes you to be honest and real no matter how hard it is. That honesty is brought out further when you write a letter to yourself. Reading others intimate moments is a glimpse into their soul. Their struggles scared them. Years past in pain. Yet the brightest message is life is well worth living. 


Mental health is something that so many people deal with every day of their lives. It is not something that is rare. At one point or another, I have to say that almost everyone experiences the pain of it during their lifetimes. This honest and hopeful book of letters is one of the most beautiful ways I have ever seen anyone speak about its hardships. 


Hope, knowledge that you were once hurting more then you thought your soul could take, but then realizing that the next day came and went and you are going to be ok. Friendships, love, family, all relationships are hard. Every single day is a day to learn and grow. All this and so much more is hidden in these sad and happy pages. 


There is always good to look forward to. Good and bad exists for you to find out what kind of person you wish to be. Life is full of all kinds of moments, it is how you choose to react to it that defines who you are. There is always light. 

Thank you all for reading! If you are struggling with emotional pain or know someone who is please read this book and do all you can to find help. This book is hard, but it is a good hard, because it has the ingredients necessary to help you and others to heal. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. If you are ever struggling and need someone to talk to, let me know. If anything, I know pain, but I also know hope and healing too. Know you are not alone. Dear reader, you are loved, you are special, and you are worth it. 

-Till next time!