My Inviting In..

One thing I took from Y’all West is something George M Johnson said about instead of coming out you are choosing to invite others in. Sharing a special something about yourself that matters. It’s a beautiful way to think about it.

I’ve thought about doing this for a while. It’s taken time for me to figure out innerly who I am. I spent most of my life pretending to myself that I was straight and well spoilers, but I’m definitely not.

The easier part that I have mentioned slightly is that I’m Demi-sexual which means I need an emotional connection with someone before I’m attracted to them. I blame that part for me taking so long to realize this second part, but I’m also pan-sexual. Feels strange to write it out. Yet, oddly I don’t feel the need to tear up the way I did when I was talking about it with one of my friends.

I’ve called myself straight for so long that I hid my truth to the point where I couldn’t see it despite it staring me dead in the face. I can be attracted to anyone regardless of gender and yes I do love masculinity and I’m a little more attracted to masculine presenting people, but I do find femininity to be attractive as well.

I have considered myself to be an ally for a long time. Just really supportive of the community and knowing that everyone deserves to love and express themselves in a way that aligns with the truth of who they are. It took me time to discover my truth and that’s ok.

So.. I guess all this is to say “Hi! My name is Tiana Wolfe and I’m Demi/pan sexual.” It feels good to say it to read the words and know them to be true. It feels like me.

Thank you all so much for being here. For being a part of my life’s journey. For supporting me. I feel so happy to be on a community where I feel comfortable enough to be open about my truth. You all are truly something special.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter! 

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website! 

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter! 

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

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Some Lessons I’ve Learned from Life and Blogging

I really don’t know why I wanted to discuss this right now. Maybe, it’s mostly just so I can remember that I have made progress in my life even if technically looks pretty similar to what it was only a year ago.

I have big dreams for my life. I want to be an author and share stories with anyone willing to read them with the hopes that my stories would effect someone’s life the way stories have affected my life.

One of my biggest issues has been wanting to do everything all at once and not making things manageable for myself. I have a tendency to want it all. The success, the many finished books in my back poker, the “perfect” relationship (mind you my definition of perfect in this case is pretty imperfect, but explaining this would take way too long.. mostly I just want to have a relationship where someone works side by side with me and we both support each other), to have my family relationship to be good, to feel good in my own skin, to be fluent in a second language.. and the list goes on. There are so many goals I have for myself and chasing after all of them causes me to burn out more often then not.

Life has thrown many a wrench in my life and from this challenges I’ve learned to slow the hell down. I don’t know how long I have on this earth and it’s part of the reason I feel the need to move quickly at times, but it causes me to want to jump to the end of things instead of enjoying every step of every part of my journey. It’s so important to take the time to put your full attention to each step of something and not just the beginning and the end. Sometimes grinding is necessary. Sometimes, rest is necessary. Giving the time needed for each part of something will make a better whole in the long run.

But, the most important thing of all is to remember to truly live your life and not get into the habit of just existing. Honestly, it’s the reason I never started freelancing, because even if I do believe it might be a lucrative venture for me in the long run.. writing about stuff I don’t care for isn’t something I ever want to do. However, I have a delightful announcement that I’m going to make at a later date that is a venture that I’m proud to begin.

I feel like I’ve touched on something of this from my life Update post, but with my home situation being what it is, I’ve learned a level of patience that I never thought I’d learn. My level to get annoyed by something has increased dramatically. My ability to understand has increased dramatically. The amount it takes before stress gets me to break down has increased. Even my tolerance for my own failings and my patience with myself has increased a ton. When I think about where I am now from where I was I feel like I’ve evolved from Mew to Mew 2.

As far as lessons from blogging, I’ve learned when to take breaks. I’ve learned also to plan things out, but also to write whatever I want when I want. I know that if I structure things too much I end up getting bored and that’s not what I want to happen with something I love doing so much. I try not to plan posts more then a day ahead. I may have types of posts and set projects, but when they go up is kept as loose as possible.

However, one of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn has been not to post about what I plan to do.. meaning TBR’s or saying I’m back for sure or.. I’m going to write this much for this long.. it usually just doesn’t work out. Proclaiming a certain level of productivity doesn’t work. I mean sometimes it does, but a lot of the time I just get tired of routine. It’s probably why I’ve never really completed a Nanowrimo. I try.. I say every time that this time will be the time it works out and after a few days everything comes to a hault.

Manly, the lesson I’ve learned is to chill out. To take my time. Not to rush anything. To give everything it’s own time (just like the song). To take care of myself and to have fun.

It’s all about balance and sometimes letting yourself be. It’s getting up and trying again and again and again. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting yourself change. It’s accepting that perfection of any kind truly doesn’t exist and that its ok and even good to fail. It’s about accepting yourself as you are and accepting yourself as you change and letting yourself change. It’s about not letting the past prevent yourself from having a beautiful present and future. Most of all, life is about truly living and truly loving with all of you in every moment and being authentic to who you are in each moment.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this reflective post. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What’s Going On

No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.

First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.

The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.

Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.

In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.

Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.

Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Let’s Talk: Life Stuff

I don’t know what this post is or where it is going, but I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

The majority of my life I hid everything that ever bothered me in a little ball inside myself. Over the years that ball grew and every thing that bothered me was added to that ball. At the beginning of this year that ball became a planet. I stopped and restarted posting again and again and I felt inside that I had no hope.

I felt like I was stuck. Stuck in an apartment building in an area that I don’t feel safe in. Stuck having to work a job I don’t like. Stuck alone, because I systematically let go of every friend I had (except for one). Even speaking to that friend made me feel small and hopeless, because he always told me to strive for more (which should have and was a good thing). To tell him that all life was dealing me was less and less made everything feel like failure. I have always appreciated his belief in me, but it was always a double edged sword. Sometimes, I just want to pretend everything is fine just to escape the eventual argument I know was never far behind.

For a long time, I felt like I was drifting with nothing to keep me steady. Everyone in my family had their own hurts and when everyone is suffering the same thing in different ways it’s hard to remember that we should be able to comfort each other instead being stuck in our own minds. It also didn’t help that I can’t help but be honest when I’m hurting and not only was I hurting, but I was angry. Angry at my situation. Angry that it felt like there was nothing I could do. Angry that I could not find a way to be happy with myself. Nothing good came from that anger.

Online, I always made sure to share positivity. I present as much of the best parts of myself as I can and at a certain point that got exhausting, but the community made it so I always came back. I don’t like to always talk about the things that have been hard for me. It makes me feel like I’m being dramatic and somehow ungrateful. My life isn’t so bad. I know many who have it much worse, but with new tornado after new tornado hitting almost daily I felt like crumbling. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to take on the reality that I was facing, but I held on to the facts. I had a roof over my head, a family who loved me, a job, and many many books.

I guess what I really wanted to say was that that something in me that was fed up with moping.. that something in me that needed to prove that I could make it.. I am so grateful for it. It pushed me forward to try again and again and again until I got to a few weeks ago.. where one friend became several.

One after another sprinkles of love fell into my life. Even as I realize that no it isn’t a cure all, but it makes taking steps forward every single day a million times easier. I am not alone. My situation is not hopeless. I have authors, buddies to read with, a girl whose prayers I feel in my heart, and a guy, a great guy who is honest, kind, and generous in ways that I have never known from anyone else.

In these past few weeks I have found some peace. I still falter. I am still afraid, but I know now that the future is brighter than ever. I have so many things to look forward to. I have my family. I have dreams. I have plans to make those dreams a reality. These moments will make me stronger. For once in a very long time I can honestly say that I am happy. I have so many people to thank for that.

I have these cards I’ve been given and all of them are neither good nor bad. I just need to use them. Instead of giving in and letting events roll over me. I need to roll with them and keep getting back up when I’m knocked down. I need to believe in myself as much as others have believed in me.

I will get back on track with my life. Fear, anger, sadness… I can’t help the feelings starting up, but I can try to control my action and reaction when they occur. I can choose to make each moment better than the last. I will choose to be better.

Thanks for reading! I had a review I was supposed to write today, but I had to get all this off my chest. I will continue to try to make things light, but when stuff like this gets lodged up I won’t be afraid to let it be free. I need that ball in my chest to be lessened. Till I can say that it no longer is something that could consume me.

As always, let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

The Temptation Not to do Anything at All

See I had a couple of different posts I wanted to or really could have written today, but I have not truly felt like getting myself to write any of them. In fact, all I feel right now is tired and all I want to do is watch I Zombie 🧟‍♀️ and relax until tomorrow comes. This is the temptation that follows me everywhere I go at all times. You don’t have to write anything today. You can do it tomorrow just blissfully think about nothing.

For a long time I thought this was normal. Wanting not to think about nothing. Not wanting to write not just out of fear, but something that feels akin to laziness. The truth is my brain isn’t the normal brain I thought I had. I have depression. I have always had depression and as far as I understand it I probably always will. How surreal is this?

The thing is this is the one thing that I have been afraid to share. It’s so new to me (well the idea that I have depression is) and I can’t help but feel odd about it. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast. I was feeling kind of dejected and to be honest I wasn’t really think of anything at all. My sister told me out of the blue “Tiana I think you have depression.” When the word hit me tears came immediately to my eyes and I hated that I was crying. “You know I said, I want to deny it and I want to say I don’t have depression, but I am already crying.”

I felt like I was a mind in another body. I had always had an interest in mental illness and my short time of hosting a mental health book club reading ya books that talk about mental illness are a test to that. The one thing I kept mentioning in those posts however was that I didn’t have a mental illness. It felt odd to me to actually come to realize that I did.

Ever since I was a little girl I was a crier and yeah I knew at times I was depressed, but I always attributed everything to the things that were happening to me. Moving away, getting yelled at constantly by my grandmother, going through her emotional abuse, losing my one true home, going into financial trouble. With all these things of course I cried.

But when I was crying it wasn’t just about the things that were happening. It was a self-pity and a almost hatred for myself that I could taste. I was always not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. The things that I still tell myself. I denied myself friendships. Through myself into reading and YouTube. And yet still there were times I would go in a rage crying. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all and that’s the worst. I cry and then I get angry at myself for crying and especially in my teens till now it was because I said something wrong to my mom or my sister. During these episodes the one thing that sticks with me is the hollow emptiness in my chest. The hopelessness mixed with pain and sorrow and my mind telling me that I will never be any better of a person then my grandmother was.

But the worst part is, I thought the bitter self awareness and self pity was somehow normal. I thought that my brain was working fine. I thought that in my situation of course I was crying every single night when I was in my first three years of high school. I thought I was normal because I could still laugh, because I was always so engaged in learning and because I have a love for dancing and getting lost in music. I thought it was normal because I was so good at hiding it in plane sight. I knew I was sad, but I also knew that it never stopped me from being happy. It’s when I’m alone or when I say something I thought was ok, but really wasn’t, when I do something wrong and should of known better is when I start my thought spirals. Something as simple as my sister gettin mad at me for not wanting to do the dishes has set it off before.

So when I say that I have the temptation not to do anything at all living inside me I mean that in a sad sense of apathy. It’s so easy for me to be mindless because not only does it chase the dejected thoughts away, but because I get exhausted when I put too much energy into something. Not too long ago I had to stop the habit of sleeping for 10-12 hours every night. In sleep is oblivion no thought no over analyzing and getting angry at myself for not doing things right.

I have depression and I think I have finally truly accepted it.

Suddenly, I am afraid of posting this, but I’m going to anyway. I wrote this because it’s finally stop hiding. Especially hiding from myself. I have spent so long in the dark thinking that there was nothing wrong with me at all. I had thought this way for so long with an almost sadistic thought process towards myself that I had an identity crisis when I was first coming to terms with depression. Because I wanted to know who I would be without it and I ached for a girl who was free of these kinds of thoughts with all of my heart. All I know is that this knowledge gives me something to step forward into the future and that is all I want.

Thanks for reading! Usually I put a I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments below, but now I’m at a loss for words. It feels wrong to put something so happy in a post like this but I guess I’ll do it anyway.

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! I look forward to hearing from you. (Actually I’m kinda terrified but curious about what you have to say)

-Till next time!

The Resistance United in Love: A Review

The Resistance United in Love By Many Authors 

My Rating: 5 stars!

Publisher: Amalie Silver 

Published: February 20th, 2017

Received: Netgalley provided an e-copy in exchange for an honest review.

Purchase: Amazon

We the people

Will not be silenced

Our voices are important.
We the people 

Will not be pushed aside

We will be seen

Our numbers are more than you know.
We the people

Will make a difference 

We will hold the government accountable 

Our empathy is not a weakness.
In these turbulent times we the people will stand together in the face of hate knowing we are all equal, and every life matters.

We the people are The Resistance, United in Love
Authors coming together to write a collection of poems and essays that reflect our views on what has happened and our hopes for the future.
This work is not affiliated with any political party. 
100% of the proceeds will be donated to the ACLU 
The Resistance and its authors are independent entities and not affiliated with the ACLU or any political party. 

Musings: 

I read this book in a couple hour long single sitting. This book was too necessary and too pertinent to ignore. I could not stop myself once I began and it was for very good reason. 

The essays and poems in this collection took every argument I ever had against the current POTUS and condensed it all into a beautiful neat little book. The authors that contributed to this story outlined my fears, tugged at my heartstrings, and raised me up in my hopes. For the sake of equality, our rights as a human being, and for the plea for compassion, I beg of you please read this book. 

There were stories that broke me. Poems that gave me chills. People that came together in order to speak out about the wrongdoings that have prevailed in our country since November 9th, and let’s all face it for years and years prior when we immagrated to America and tortured and killed Native Americans to stake claim on a land that was never meant to be ours. 

America is a country built by the hands of imagrants. That is a fact that I feel many purposely forget. Our country needs to remember its roots and to think about why it is not something we should ever want to go back to. Our culture was built across the heated backs of slaves. Our children born by mothers that had no say. Our rights fought for by suffragists and civil rights groups that knew that what was happening every single day was not ok and must be fought against. 

When our President says Make America Great Again, I ask when was America truly great. What point in our history should we go back to? I cannot stand back and see our world crumble back to a time where any human could be physically attacked just for there color of skin. I cannot stand down when our country reverts back to a time where people died because they were different from ourselves and that made us afraid. I cannot let this go and so I implore you to take a look at this book and read its words and think to yourself weather or not you truly believe that the man that is standing in our highest office today, is truly the type of man we want running our country. 

Will you stand down or will you rise up and resist?
A huge thank you to the writers of The Resistance United in Love: Danielle Allen, Dylan Allen, JC Andrijeski, Megan Benjamin Evans, Elizabeth Burgess, Deborah Cunningham Burst, Emme Burton, M.C. Cerny, Selene Chardou, S. Simone Chavous, T. Thorn Coyle, Sarah M. Cradit, Ella Dominguez, Nicole Falls, John Gregory Hancock, Bayli Lane, Robin Lee, Olivia Linden, Grant Miller, Harper Miller, Morgan Jane Mitchell, C. Ricketts, Katherine Rhodes, Kimberly Rose, Amalie Silver, M. Stratton, Leslie Claire Walker, and Zoe York.

Your words give me hope. 

Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review. This post definitely became well more intense than I previously intended for it to be, but with the accusation against Obama wiretapping the orange’s Oval Office this morning has made me a bit livid. No matter who you are or what you believe I ask you to read this book. We must not forget who we are as a country and I do not want to live in a place that is moving so far backwards so quickly. Thank you again and let me know your thoughts in the comments. Even if you disagree I want to hear about it, I’m always curious as to why, but I do not want to see any hate. You won’t get any from me and so I expect the same Courtesy and respect from you. 

-Till next time!

With You

I feel you surround me 

Blissfully like the wind

I walk my path against you 

As you whisper caressing my skin

Going with you, somehow pushes me away 

Your empty air fills me with emotion 

All your words a comfort yet untruths 

But when I am silent and with you 

Your voice whispers some sweet songs of truth

I close my eyes, I feel you with me

My mind fills with a quiet peace

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little poem. I’ve been thinking a lot about the wind lately and it inspired me to write this. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. 

-Till next time!

In Love With A Fairytale

All my life I have had the eyes of a believer 

Dragons, Santa Claus, Fairys, and Nymphs 

I believed so strongly though the proof was never seen

I hoped that all the stories were true 

That the world had magic 

That what I felt in my heart was real

The one thing I believed, believe in most 

Is that love, true love, could conquer all 

I wished with all my heart for someone to hold me close 

But that is a fairytale as much as the magic I believed in once

But I can’t help but be in love

With the idea of something……. More 

What if there was a veil that fractured reality and belief?

What if vampires existed and elves and Griffens?

What if they are there lurking and hidden?

Are our stories just simply made up?

Or is there such a thing a true everlasting love? 

As a kid I believed with all my heart

But what if that little girl was right? 

What if what she believed was closer to what is real?

What if growing up steals away the true wisdom children have… 

That our beliefs are not so wrong 

That what we hope for would come to pass
What is the truth of our world? Is a fairytale truly just a tale? What if there are things out there we once believed in that are actually real?

-Till next time!