Why I Haven’t Been Blogging

A long time ago now, when I first started blogging, I used to blog practically everyday. I read like my life depended on it and I never let myself miss days. Then life happened and I stopped for a while and I’d restart over and over and over again and it’d be ok for a while, but it wouldn’t last. I haven’t gotten myself to make it stick.

In the meantime I’ve gotten myself so far behind as far as books to read and review and posts to create that a lot of the time it feels impossible when I try to come back.

In March in particular, I started college again. I am study to be a pharmacy technician and eventually to become a full pharmacist. I need a better job and the ability to increase my income for my family. Along with the heavy class workload im still working as many hours as I was before and honestly, I’ve just felt myself get exhausted and all I’ll want to do is watch a movie or YouTube or play Fortnite with my friends at the end of the day.

I’ve gotten pretty overwhelmed with life. I want to read and write and blog too, but I can’t seem to get into the mind frame I need to continue and it breaks my heart.

However, last night, I had a particularly awful night and my dad has deteriorated further and it causes him to yell and be angry a lot of the time. I’d just finished watching ‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ which had already put me into a weird mindset and then I helped my sister put my dog into her harness and she bit me (it was my fault not the dogs). I felt this odd sense of going through motions and feeling the solid ground of life crumbling beneath me.

At this point I’d started to cry and I’d texted my partner all that had happened. Then, they started talking to me about this story they’d come up with a long time ago. It was about a hero who felt burdened by his power. His power that was so unique and special yet so fragile. A power that temporarily relieved ailments in a marble and the bigger the ailment the more fragile the marble. As I asked them for more details about it I felt myself calm down. Then, I’d said “You know I need a bit of that right now.” And they told me that my situation is what inspired this in the first place.

I was floored. I felt seen and loved and stunned when they told me that they’d come up with it a few months into us dating and hadn’t told me about it till now. It made me appreciate them for the person they were. It also made me want to write again. It reminded me of that feeling of discovering how a story is created bit by bit. It also made me feel that my partner is and always has been perfect for me.

My life has been in a lot of turmoil the past couple of years. I’ve had Abdiel by my side for over 2 years and they’ve given me a peace and a hope during all the crap I’ve been given for all of that time.

When I talk to them I realize that I can focus so heavily on the pain that sometimes I miss the joy that is standing right there in front of me. Abdiel who thought up a character that’d give me a short bit of relief from the life I live. That would give me a moment of joy. That is one of the purest forms of love I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want to blog again. I want to write stories again. To give others that feeling my partner gave to me in such a beautiful way. Things in life have been messy and it’s not really going to get any better. However, I can chose to give myself time for my passion and to give myself and others that temporary relief in life, because sometimes that’s all we’re really needing and searching for.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

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Watching Hush

I have had a wonderful day and I was having a little trouble thinking about what kind of post I wanted to write. So, I decided to end off the day watching a movie randomly recommended to me off Likewise.

Hush is about a deaf mute writer who has a killer attack her home. The killer himself is completely deranged and takes pleasure in drawing out the kill when he can. He wants his victims to suffer and it’s a mind game for him.

Maddie lives alone isolated in the woods. The movie never explains why she was isolated, but she does say she didn’t chose it for herself.

I am writing as someone who isn’t mute or deaf and I read reviews from deaf and mute reviewers to get a better since of if the movie handled deafness in a respectful way. From what I gathered most really wanted a deaf mute actress to play Maddies role. This would have made her feel more authentic and the sign language wouldn’t have been mixed in its versions.

There also was a moment where Maddie reads the killers lips from too far of a distance that wouldn’t be plausible for someone who was truly deaf.

For a more detailed review of this from a deaf reviewer click here.

As far as the horror goes, I did enjoy it. 100% I’d have loved to see this played by a deaf actress and movie makers need to start listening to the communities they are portraying in films and actually cast people from those communities to play them. I think it’s important for everyone to see an authentic representation of themselves on screen.

Watching Hush was scary. There was certain things I felt where they were trying to get the deafness part right, but couldn’t hit the mark because they didn’t cast a deaf person for the role.

That being said enjoyable as the movie was I think it just showcases how important it is to cast the community your portraying and go that step further (though it shouldn’t be the step further, but the default) and make a movie that sorta is a step forward and steps backward all at once into something amazing and way more worth the watch.

I did find the other interesting part of this movie is that she used her brain as a writer to fight the killer. As I writer that is a part that I really enjoyed.

All in all, I’ll be really excited to watch more movies that actually incorporate deaf actors for deaf roles, and trans actors in trans roles, and actors who are autistic to play autistic roles and so on. This movie highlighted for me that I want to start searching for movies and shows that make it a point to cast from the communities the show portrays. It makes a world of difference.

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

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One of the things that has been bothering me for a long time is that I haven’t been writing for my own projects and I need to change that. So, I thought that because my blog is the one thing in this world that I have dedicated myself to like nothing else I ever have that I was going to start #My500Words (something I saw another blogger do a long while back) and dedicate some time everyday to writing 500 words. 

The biggest part of this challenge if you will is that I keep myself accountable by posting my word count daily on twitter and on the bottom of my blog posts. I want to make it a point that like how I literally cannot sleep without posting a blog post every night, that I can’t sleep until I also have written 500 words towards a story of some kind. 

As of right now, I really feel weirdly about considering myself a writer without having written in a very long time and I wanted to do something to change that, so this is it! 

I will be starting this challenge tomorrow and I hope I can keep it up indefinitely or as long as possible! I just think it would be cool to have a tracker of how many words I’ve written each day and how much those words can accumulate. I’m so excited!!! If any of you want to join in with me on this for however long you want I would happy to see you tag along. 

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you. 

-Till next time! 

Announcing My Camp Nanowrimo Project! 

The time is almost upon us! Legions of writers coming together for a single month to write as many words as their fingers and time will allow. Camp Nanowrimo! 

I have not successfully completed any Nanowrimo of any kind since I tried for the first time a in 2015. However, I am trying once more and this time I feel confident that I can conquer this beast that has been plaguing me since my mom ignited the writing bug inside me not so long ago. 

I am 18 years old, a short unedited novel under my belt and a poetic heart to share with the world. I refuse to let myself give in to the temptation that is procrastination, because if I do not write, I am silencing an aching part of my soul. 

So I am proud to announce my participation in this April’s Camp Nanowrimo!

May the Lord guide me and keep me on the right path. 

I have chosen to write a poetry book this time around. Poetry is what sparked my love for writing and it’s only write that my first successful Camp Nanowrimo is a book of poetic thought. 

My word count goal for this month is 25,000 words. I already have 1,368 words written towards this book and whatever number that I end up with before Camp starts will be added with the 25,000 so I stay true to the process. 

Here is a single poem to give the tinest taste of what kind of tone I want this book to take:

You spoke sugar words into my mouth 

Brought me to life with you’re black poison

I was tethered to you by affirmations 

You said I was pretty, smart, courageous 

My heart grew for your own 

Yet you used my love for your advantage 

You knew I would follow you to the depths 

And to the depths you took me 

Destroying me with your sought after addictions
In my head it will be a mix of societal call outs. Our hearts obsessions and being the subject of oppression. It will be dark. It will hurt and it will not be pretty. I’m so excited to write this book! 

Thanks for reading! Please let me know your thoughts on this poetry book and any suggestions for themes or any specific issues you would like for me to cover around Obsession and oppression. Also let me know if you would be interested in a bit of darker poetry at all and if you like the vibe the poem I included here gives off. Thanks for being here and for the continued support! Let me know if your joining or thinking of joining Camp Nanowrimo! My cabin still needs members so I’d love it if you could join me!

-Till next time!

Special: A Short Story 

A smile. That was the spark of it. It was me and him alone in the hallway, I looked up took in his face, his lips lifted up and my heart skipped a beat. Than he left. I went to my locker, picked up the books I needed and headed home. 

It was all so normal. A moment that shouldn’t have crossed my mind after it was over. Yet I felt something, something warm. 

Years have past and I can tell you now that nothing came from it. Nate was a boy I had known years before that moment and he is a man that is a true friend today. I got close to him after that day. We shared jokes, studied for exams in groups, told each other secrets, and gave a little piece of hearts to one another,  but we were never romantic. My heart that had started to beat for him was broken. Nate wasn’t a man for dating, at least, not until much later. I think I fell for him a little more just because of that. He’d laugh to hear all this now, maybe I will share this story with him soon, but most likely that will never come to pass. 

In my heart he was perfect. There was never a moment where he didn’t try to make me smile. He was and still is the biggest goofball, my Nate (I say this platonically now of course).  He became attuned to me, always made sure I was doing well. We had our seperate groups of course, but we became each other’s best friends and we still are. I never told him how I felt, I knew he had a soft spot for Lydia a mutual friend, though she had eyes for Marchel who she called, “Quietly handsome” something I would agree with, though we all know who I had eyes for. 

Nate never told Lydia that he liked her, when she finally confessed to Marchel and started dating him Nate confided in me. “I never seem to luck out do I?” 

He had looked so broken then, “I am happy she found a good guy though, Marchel would never hurt her. She derserves the best, even if the best doesn’t happen to be me.” He smiled.

This time that smile broke my heart. I knew in that moment, I could never tell him how I felt. I could never say how his emotion mirrored my own. No matter my feelings, Nate deserves the best too. Somehow, I also knew, that that person was never going to be me. 

I don’t think you can ever fall out of love with someone, not really. There is always a piece of you that stays with them. I eventually dated, there was Mark, Philip, Sean, and then Robert. I never stayed with anyone for long, well, except for Philip. I thought Philip could have been the one, a year and a half in and he cheated on me. I guess I too never have much luck in love. My heart still beats a little faster to see Nate’s smile. I know now I love it because when he smiles at you, you feel special, like your the only one that matters in that moment. I’m not his special someone. I’m now a loyal friend. Maybe one day a heart will beat fast to my own smile. Maybe one day they will be special to me. Maybe I will become special to them. 

Thanks for reading! This was a Valentines Day inspired short story. I have never dated anyone (or kissed for that matter) but I have fallen before and I wanted to see that kind of story represented. This story has a little slice of cheese, but I think that’s quite alright for the season. I hope you all have a lovely February!

Let me know what you think in the comments. How do you feel about the story? Are you interested in more short stories in the future? 

-Till next time!

Childhood Wanderings

I never thought I wanted to be a writer. In fact, I despised it when I was young, especially because I related it to handwriting and mine has always been terrible. In fact, I attributed writing to a forced task that was a nuisance keeping me away from going outside and looking for rolly pollys and other creepy crawlies with my dad. 
As a kid that’s what I lived for, walking behind my dad, hearing him tell me “follow the charge.” To which I would run ahead and say, “follow me.” I loved helping him. I loved scraping the dirt and finding weird pupas to hold in my tiny hands. I loved picking up a worm and yelling “look daddy, it’s a worm.” I was a queen of the obvious as most children are, yet bugs amazed me and my dad was the reason I never minded their sometimes slimy skin. 
I feel like I owe a lot of my love for writing thanks to these moments I shared with my father. Watering plants and learning about life from him built a wonder and compassion that has created a huge part of who I am. Feeling so at home in nature gave me the curiosity to look a little deeper, to give myself to what I felt, and feel the need to record the beauty of days spent idle yet full of wonder. 
My dad was never much for books, but he always told me stories, stories that sharpened my mind, created a believer in me, made me think, made me wonder. My childhood is filled with days walking hand and hand with him. Speaking about butterflies and mischief, God and the beauty of bees. Those days under the sun, spending my time listening to his tender voice, sparked a love for words in me that I never realized was so important. 
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed. I am so happy to be able to share with you all a piece of my life that lead me to pursue the path I am on today, especially such a joyful part of my childhood. Let me know your thoughts in the comments! I’d love to hear any childhood stories you have, what are some of your brightest moments from when you were a kid?

-Till next time!