I had been studying at Hussian College for almost 2 years and I was in their Pharmacy Technician program. During this time my advisors and my professors were always able to be in contact with me. I received a message a week ago about a summer break due to new leadership. Then, later I contacted my advisor and 2 of my professors about it and I only got two replies back. My advisor said he’d been fired and to contact my professors. My other professor said to enjoy my break. Since then I’ve had no replies from anyone anywhere about anything I’ve inquired.
I have called every department on the campuses and it all leads to nothing. On the colleges Facebook it says closed. I’ve been left with nothing. I can’t get transcripts. I wasn’t informed this was going to happen. Upon research the college has had finical troubles in the past and even lawsuits for not releasing student funds back to the students.
All I’m left with is to start alllll over again. I don’t even know how to feel. I was supposed to be done in January. I was supposed to have my internship then move on from my current job which has been a disaster for many years. I feel bound up and at a complete stand still once more.
The shock has somewhat left me and now I feel anger and sadness. My anxiety is so high and all the time I spent, all the early mornings studying, all the hope that I was almost done I just needed to push a little more, a little bit longer, it’s all done. This is the biggest setback I have experienced in a long while. I feel all over the place and my thoughts are scattered and I don’t really know what more to say at this point.
I will leave it here for now and I will update in a new post later on when things have settled and I have a plan going forward. This set me back years in time and I am so overwhelmed.
Pacific Rim meets The Handmaid’s Tale in this blend of Chinese history and mecha science fiction for YA readers.
The boys of Huaxia dream of pairing up with girls to pilot Chrysalises, giant transforming robots that can battle the mecha aliens that lurk beyond the Great Wall. It doesn’t matter that the girls often die from the mental strain.
When 18-year-old Zetian offers herself up as a concubine-pilot, it’s to assassinate the ace male pilot responsible for her sister’s death. But she gets her vengeance in a way nobody expected—she kills him through the psychic link between pilots and emerges from the cockpit unscathed. She is labeled an Iron Widow, a much-feared and much-silenced kind of female pilot who can sacrifice boys to power up Chrysalises instead.
To tame her unnerving yet invaluable mental strength, she is paired up with Li Shimin, the strongest and most controversial male pilot in Huaxia. But now that Zetian has had a taste of power, she will not cower so easily. She will miss no opportunity to leverage their combined might and infamy to survive attempt after attempt on her life, until she can figure out exactly why the pilot system works in its misogynist way—and stop more girls from being sacrificed.
Opening Sentence: “The Hunduns were coming.”
*disclaimer I finished reading this bookback in December of 2021. Why I took so long to review this book? I don’t know. It is appalling how long I’ve waited to write this. However I’m here now and I’m going to write this the best I can. Thank you for your understanding*
With the consideration of the fact that I read this so long ago, the fact that I remember so much of this book speaks volumes to how good it is. I remember Zetian being such a strong character who rebelled fiercely against the ways of being that Huaxia puts into place. She is strong willed and defiant and I loved her for it.
I loved the way that mechs worked in such a unique fashion with a forced power dynamic between men and woman’s qi where one can overpower and sacrifice another in order to power the mechs. It’s brutal and Zetian is out for revenge after her sister was killed and sacrificed by a male pilot in a mech battle.
Zetian learns how far she can push and how she can stay true to herself even when she’s pushed into a corner. What I love most about this book is Zetian is a strong woman who continually is herself. In love, in a battle, in a situation where she was forced and taken advantage of, in her own home with her family, and in her relationships. I loved to see her and the boys all fall in love. To have a true love triangle where everyone fell for one another. It was awesome.
Even in a society that had very strict rules about how things should be, each of them defiantly chose to be themselves and that is a very powerful thing. They are all strong and irreverent to the rules put before them and they shined all the more for it. Differences should be celebrated not tamed. I loved how this book shows that.
All in All: If you haven’t read Iron Widow yet, what are you doing? I may have waited way too long to write this review, but the impact this book has had on me is forever.
When I was younger I was obsessed with dragons. They were my favorite mythological creature. I thought they were powerful, majestic, mystical, and misunderstood. I truly believed if you cared for a dragon and gave empathy to them they would befriend and protect you to the very end of your life. I wanted to have a dragon friend so bad I sent a letter to the fake address in the dragonology book I had that claimed to sell dragons.
Dragons were special to me and I spoke of them to my mom constantly. We had a shop nearby us that carried all kinds of Knick Nacs and a lot of them were dragons. My mom would by me one whenever she could and I had a small collection of dragon figures I adored and cared for constantly. One of my favorites held a sword in its hand and stood majestically.
However, because I was adopted by my grandmother and the person I called mom wasn’t my biological mother, but a baby sitter turned parental figure that I would eventually escape to live with permanently when I turned 18, she didn’t have a say in what my grandmother did with my things, even if she’s the one that gave them to me.
One day all of a sudden, some of my things were being sold in a garage sale all of a sudden and others were given to a different child my grandmother favored. I wasn’t told till after the fact. I wasn’t asked for permission. My things as far as my grandmothers concern were hers to do with as she pleased.
It was so awful for me knowing that I was like my things that were objects that she owned. She owned me. I was not her granddaughter. I was her toy. I was an object that she’d tell friends about when I excelled at things and at the same time constantly shame me behind closed doors.
Nothing that was mine was ever mine when it came to my grandmother. It wasn’t something I truly understood until I told my partner one day how much I loved dragons and he kept that info and decided at a later time to buy a dragon puzzle which we built together.
The whole experience of it was a look into our relationship itself. We tried to make it once but didn’t have enough time to finish it so we had a second date where we decided to finish it and we were laughing the whole way through. I have never worked with someone to make something and it feel as easy as it did with him on that date. We were joking and taking our time and we’d follow the video we were watching looking at which piece was next and the other holding the previous parts together. It was such a blast. When I got home with this precious prize I looked at it and I cried. I realized that it was the first dragon figure I’d had in years. I’d built it with someone I love and no one was ever going to take it away from me. It was well and truly mine and it meant the world to me.
In that moment I wondered to myself why I hadn’t bought any dragon Knick Nacs since my grandmother was no longer in my life and all I could think was I still somehow felt anxiety that nothing I owned was mine. That I wasn’t allowed to keep things for myself because it’d eventually be taken from me. With this beautiful dragon puzzle a part of me fully reflected and healed.
Maybe 8 or so months later my sister was dusting and she broke my dragon and some pieces were forever missing and I can’t rebuild it. However, the effect of it has never left me and my partner and I still plan on getting another one one day and building it together this time putting some glue. With the original pieces I want to make either a book mark or an ornament with it in resin one day. For now I have the pieces saved.
Christmas of last year my partner remembered it once more with buying a gorgeous dragon Christmas ornament which I now am setting up way too long after on a stand to be able to display it all year long.
A picture truly does not do it justice. I remember when he gave it to me and I opened up the Styrofoam box it was in and I gasped at how sparkly and beautiful it was. I looked at him in awe. It was so thoughtful and so beautiful and I was so happy my next dragon came from him.
I can’t express enough how amazing it is to be in a relationship that shows you how you can begin to heal yourself. Now three years into our relationship I’ve begun to collect things that I love again. I’ve began to think about my insecurities and to be more secure about relationships with him and with my family and friends and to have them become more healthy and comfortable. Slowly and surely unraveling the negative patterns I have kept from the trauma my grandmother caused me and deciding to move forward in a more joyful way.
I will never get back the dragons that I collected back then, but I can build a new collection of loved things that I can keep or give away by my own choice. Through that I can begin to fuse pieces of me that will finally find peace and love given by myself and for myself. In the future I know I will always strive to be a positive force in peoples lives in a way my grandmother was not and I will be happy in spite all the pain, depression, and anxiety I had grown up with.
In spite of it all I will always be that girl who loves dragons. I am happy I found a knight who lifts me up and supports me in me finding in myself the warrior Princess he always saw in me. Also, helping me to learn to laugh even in the hard times that you cannot control.
I cannot change the events that have past me, but I can move forward with dignity and love for myself and do the best that I can. As for my grandmother she will always have to live with the many many things she did that lead to me never wanting to be in her life again, but I, I will build in my life one where I won’t have any regrets. I will live well and with compassion and love.
The people we hate at the wedding (twice once on my own and once with Abdiel) (This movie is so damn good)
The love guru 2008 (with Abdiel)
Rec (this is a horror film in Spanish that completely took me by surprise with how good it was. It was only at the end it did a really trope heavy thing, but other then that it was genuinely uncomfortable and horrifying to watch. I loved it!)
Midsommar (with Abdiel)
Tv shows watched
Science fell in love so I tried to prove it season 1 and 2
Attack on titan season 2
Research for secret book
Doki doki literature club (I got the platinum)
Meet your maker
Plague tale requiem
Games purchased/received: Meet Your Maker, Tails of Iron, and Sackboy a big adventure, sagebrush, doki doki literature club, a plague tale requiem, Cinders, Nier Automata, Nier Replicant
Art I did
Most of it was practice art works and messing around with my tablet and a lot of it isn’t serious and pretty bad so they will stay a mystery
Spy x family volume 1
Girl Taking Over: A Lois Lane Story
Girl Taking over: A Lois Lane Story
Books Bought/ Received
Spy x family volume 2
Girl Taking Over: A Lois Lane Story
Had a lovely date with my partner. The Greek restaurant we went to was a delight and so delicious.
Also this month we went to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants:
This time we forgot to take food pictures, but as always the food was amazing.
All in all, I’d say I accomplished a lot this month. It’s been a really enjoyable month all things considered.
I am very proud and excited to announce the return of the Beyond the Surface Book Club! Getting a full re-launch in May! I’ve found my passion for discussing openly about mental health and reading books that dip beyond the surface of who we are. We may see someone on the outside and assume all kinds of things, but we never truly know what someone is going through on the inside. In this book club we read books that get into the things that we go through on the inside of our personal lives and how it effects us and how we deal with it.
Book of the Month Announcement
More Happy than Not by Adam Silvera (deluxe edition)
A special Deluxe Edition of Adam Silvera’s groundbreaking debut featuring an introduction by Angie Thomas, New York Times bestselling author of The Hate U Give, a new final chapter, and an afterword about where it all began.
In his twisty, heartbreaking, profoundly moving New York Times bestselling-debut, Adam Silvera brings to life a charged, dangerous near-future summer in the Bronx.
In the months following his father’s suicide, sixteen-year-old Aaron Soto can’t seem to find happiness again, despite the support of his girlfriend, Genevieve, and his overworked mom. Grief and the smile-shaped scar on his wrist won’t let him forget the pain. But when Aaron meets Thomas, a new kid in the neighborhood, something starts to shift inside him. Aaron can’t deny his unexpected feelings for Thomas despite the tensions their friendship has created with Genevieve and his tight-knit crew. Since Aaron can’t stay away from Thomas or turn off his newfound happiness, he considers taking drastic actions. The Leteo Institute’s revolutionary memory-altering procedure will straighten him out, even if it means forgetting who he truly is.
Why does happiness have to be so hard?
I plan to have a discussion post up on this blog on every Saturday of the month of May:
Week 1 read the first 10 chapters by May 6th
Week 2 finish part 1 and part 2 by May 13th
Week 3 part zero to chapter 9 of part 3 by May 20th
Week 4 finish the book plus bonus chapter by May 27th
I hope that reading this book along with you all will help us understand an aspect of mental health and we will all find something good to take away from it. Can’t wait to discuss the first 10 chapters with you all on Saturday!
I’ve been afraid to do a goals post for a long while. Even if I’ve done them in the past I’ve tended to fail every single one of them in the recent times. However, I don’t know exactly why, but I truly believe in myself for this month of May. I have purpose. I have a drive and I have decided to expect more of myself for once in my life. Not only to expect it of myself, but to accomplish what I’ve set out to do.
To begin I’ve awaken extra early this morning. I set my alarm for 6am and got up at 5:40. It was an initial shock to me that my body got me up before my alarm. However, I feel it’s because I really and truly do want this.
I have curbed my ambition for a very long time, but the time feels like now for me to embrace my ambition and go for everything I’m wanting to accomplish.
This goals post being on the 29th instead of the 30th has a purpose too. I have a very special announcement tomorrow that I hope my fellow readers will very much enjoy.
Beyond that, yes indeed this blog will be a daily one once more. I feel that it is time to break the cycle of wanting this and not following through and that goes for everything that I discuss here.
I will be focusing on my bodily and nutritional health this month. I will limit myself to 1 Popsicle/ice cream/treat at the end of the day. I will do my best to avoid processed foods. I will make myself a nice breakfast every morning. For some reason I always know I can make myself some really tasty eggs and I don’t do it and now I can’t make any excuses. I will have only healthy snacks during the day: vegetables, fruit, or nuts.
I will also be exercising this month. It could be a video exercise or a dance tutorial or if I don’t bring myself to exercise early enough 100 squats and sit-ups before I take a shower. It feels like I should be able to make time during the week in the mornings and then on the weekends do the sit ups and squats.
I will get all my homework done in a timely manner and have it nicely paced throughout the week and in a way where I get 2 to 3 days of no homework per week.
I will be writing a book for at least 1 hour everyday. It doesn’t matter if I do it in 10 minute sprints here and there I need to be writing that long everyday.
I will be reading for at least 30 minutes everyday. Added to that that I must finish what I start I will at least have several books read by the end of this month.
I have finally also purchased the screen protector I can use to draw with for my iPad. So this means I will be drawing everyday and either doing a tutorial drawing everyday or a regular one to practice and get better at using my iPad for drawing.
The book I will be finishing reading this month first will be:
Capturing the devil
I wanted to finish this last month but I froze again and it didn’t happen. I’ve read the beginning parts of it and that’s about it. However, this month will be a completely different story. This month I will read a lot more. If I do it right I should finish at least 6 to 10 books this May.
The game I will be focused on the platinum for this month:
A Plague Tale Requiem
This game is the sequel to Plague Tale: Innocence which was a masterpiece and one of the most amazing platinum experiences that I’ve ever had. I truly love this series and I can’t wait to add Plague Tale Requiem to my platinum trophies list.
Anime series I will finish this month:
Attack on Titan season 3 and 4
During my downtime I will be completing Attack on titan seasons 3 and 4. I’ve been trying to complete the series for a little while, but I’ve fallen into the trap of starting other things. So in May this gets completed.
All in all, this is all that I wish to accomplish this coming month. I have high hopes to do really well. It is all achievable. I want to make myself proud again. My reward for actually completing everything as I want to is the same as last month:
The Monica nendoriod. Since I have completed the Doki Doki platinum last month, I think having her figure will be an awesome little personal trophy to always commemorate one of my favorite games.
On May second all ps plus subscribers will be able to add these three games to their game library. Here is the ps plus line up and what I think about it.
GRID Legends delivers thrilling wheel-to-wheel motorsport action. Create dream race events, hop into live races, experience a dramatic virtual production story, and embrace the sensation of spectacular racing.
This game is the headliner for this month of ps plus. However for me personally I’m never too interested in racing games. It is kinda interesting what they do with this game. The crash physics and the rival aspects. Of the racing games that have been a part of ps plus in the past I feel like I might be more inclined to try this one.
Descenders is extreme downhill freeriding for the modern era, with procedurally generated worlds, and where mistakes have real consequences. Will you lead your team to glory and become the next legendary Descender?
This is a procedurally generated biking game so, for me I don’t know if I’ll ever touch it. The sports titles in ps plus I rarely ever touch. This would be fun if I didn’t have any other thing to play, but with all the awesome games I have in my life, this title isn’t one that will capture my attention in the long run.
Chivalry 2 is a multiplayer first person slasher inspired by epic medieval movie battles. Players are thrust into the action of every iconic moment of the era – from clashing swords, to storms of flaming arrows, to sprawling castle sieges and more.
This game is the one I would most likely try out of this month. However, this still isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I’d more play it just for the memes. This game is not about a story or exploring an area with purpose. It’s about killing each other and that’s it.
May is a month of ps plus where I’m likely to skip and not play any of the games listed. That happens a decent amount and it’s unfortunate. However I have hopes that the next month will be better.
In my life I feel like every time I take a step forward another crazy awful thing happens. Each thing hits me again with emotional turmoil and so much stress and I feel paralyzed to move forward. I have so many people in my life that believe in me and every-time I decide this is the day I move forward, because I’m so damn afraid of another awful thing happening there I stand frozen. I know that people see me as capable. I know people see that I have the potential to do great things. Yet when I get up in the morning my body gets all tied up in itself and I find myself saying just one more hour of sleep and when I finally do get up I accomplish a small fraction of what I wanted to.
Yet, because I do have moments where I do accomplish some form of something I have so many people believe in me. When I think about those people. Especially when I think of my partner and his unwavering support of me it brings me to tears. My family believes in my ability to write too and they just get frustrated with me because I get so frozen and I give up.
Just this blog is a perfect example. How many times have I told myself todays the day I promise to keep this blog going? How many times have I thought to myself, this is the day I start to write again. Then I sit down and I try to get myself to simply open up a document and begin writing and the amount of excuses that come up instantly it’s too much.
Yet I do not know any other way then to keep trying. I keep being pulled back to it and back to it. Internally I know if I do all that I need to that I will feel so accomplished. That I will feel healthier. That I will feel better about myself because I decided to put the effort into something and look where it took me. I used to feel that way about my blog all the time. The people I’d met through here. The authors and publishers I built a relationship with. The excitement to read. It’s a hole in my heart I let get bigger and bigger because I didn’t want to accept the one painful situation out of this that ever came out of it and to accept the other painful situations that are happening in my life currently.
I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of denying myself things out of pain. I’m so tired of disappointing myself. I’m tired of disappointing my family because I can’t get my shit together and write because I feel frozen in an emotion that doesn’t serve me one iota of good. I’m tired of the anxiety of worrying that I’ll disappoint my partner even though no matter what I do he consistently just believes in me and comforts me through all of my feelings. I am so tired of feeling tired. I am so tired of feeling unfulfilled. I am so tired of feeling stuck in a time where absolutely nothing of value feels like it’s happening.
I’m tired of feeling sad and depressed and of looking at all the damn books on my shelves I’ve refused to pick up. I want action. I want to dedicate myself to myself. I want to fucking feel better about myself. I want to support myself in a healthy way and be proactive and to be more.
The problem with Freezing is you cannot completely control it and you see yourself like a statue in a snow-globe and the storms just happen to you and you can’t move because of them. I want to release myself from that glass dome. I want to fucking hurl it against the wall and move again. I want to be free from being frozen.
The latest YA graphic novel from the DC Books for Young Readers line is a summery and colorful tale that highlights the importance of female friendships, inspiring mentors, overprotective mothers, and taking control of your own narrative. If you loved Sarah Kuhn’s first DC YA graphic novel, Shadow of the Batgirl, you will adore this powerful and joyful story that reimagines the genesis of DC’s iconic Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist. Writer Sarah Kuhn and artist Arielle Jovellanos embraced their shared experiences as Asian American women while creating this graphic novel, pouring themselves into a deeply personal story that also celebrates the Asian American community. Girl Taking Over: A Lois Lane Story is sure to delight and inspire a wide range of readers who will find Lois’s story relatable, fun, and moving.
DC comic provided me with a lovely little preview of the beginning of this lovely comic! I hope you all enjoy reading it.
This is such a bright and colorful comic book that inspires young woman to think about their dreams and go for them. It has culture and characters that are full of life. It has conflict and a everyday villain that feels like that boss, teacher, or other authority figure in your life that lives to make your life hell.
This is a story about overcoming that person and standing up for what is right and developing a whole community of supporters from your efforts. Working together and sharing our story’s changes the world. The news company the girls create together in this story inspires people all around to let their truth shine.
There are times in our lives where we feel we are backed in a corner and can’t find a way out. In this story the girls take a leap. In that leap they find their truth and a path into their futures together in a brand new way they never imagined.
Read Girl Taking Over for a story that with inspire you to pursue your dreams and not be afraid to make new ones.
Wednesday was my day off and while the morning was chaotic and tiring, after I took a nap and rested, I decided I was going to get the platinum for Doki Doki that day. So I looked at the last trophy I had left for 100% data collection and I set to work.
After about 2 to 3 hours I had my platinum trophy.
I am so proud of completing this trophy. Doki Doki is such a beautifully written and choreographed game. From beginning to end it subverts your expectations and it makes you sit with the horror of what’s going on in front of you.
*SPOILERS FOR DOKI DOKI LITERATURE CLUB*
One of the most uncomfortable pieces of the final 100% data collection trophy is what you need to do to obtain the following photo:
In order to unlock this piece of data you must “In Act 2, make it through the weekend without pressing Skip.” Which essentially means in act 2 you must sit through Yuri stabbing herself in the gut and just lying there dead without skipping the 1 hr plus long scene.
You sit there with her like this for so long with unreadable text constantly on the screen. The overlay colors change and her eyes become more and more lifeless and dead. Normally you press skip and it’ll be over in about a minute. However, without skip this scene is incredibly long and you sit with yourself for a while thinking about how uncomfortable it is to acknowledge what she’s done and just how heavy this scene really is. Even when you go and leave it on auto and watch a movie on your phone or tablet or go make yourself something to eat in the back of your mind you know that she’s still on that screen dead and lifeless. To me it comments a lot on what we do when horrific situations happen and try to cope with their reality. Humans are capable of truly awful things and sometimes there truly is nothing to be done after most truly awful acts are done and over with. Death is hard to cope with for lots of people. It is the definitive end for all of us. In Doki Doki your forced to deal with it and to even have a sense of responsibility for why they kill themselves as well. It’s brutally awful.
This is the essence of a true horror game. Not tiptoeing around the darkest parts of life, but forcing you to face them head on and internally deal with the reality of the horror.
In contrast, something else this game does with its side stories is brilliant.
The side stories are a prequel to the events that take place in the main game. You unlock them as you write poems for certain characters and unlock various events in the game. You eventually read the side stories after you finish the main game and it gives context to the friendships and personalities of each of the characters. Each side story discusses mental health in a different and decidedly positive way. The girls care about each other and have tough conversations and ultimately life each other up. It makes the ending of Monika talking about how she didn’t have the heart to delete everyone for real because they truly were friends to her make sense. You don’t really get the sense of their true friendship in the main game. However, in the side stories you really see how much each cares about the other and how they all learned to be better friends. The very first story as well and the story between Yuri and Natsuki in particular made me teary. It shows the deep sadness the girls carry and the anxiety in their hearts and the lies of how they see each other as well as the lies of how they perceive how others see them.
It’s beautiful and it hurts so good. This horror game tackles obsession, depression, anxiety, and what it means to be aware of being in a reality where you have no control. It’s truly art. An expression of disturbed emotion unapologetically on the screen and I took in every moment of it.
The other truly notable trophy in this game is called “She will never be real”
At the end of the game where it’s just you and Monika she monologues a lot. Through sitting and reading a lot of what she has to say for 10 to 15 minutes you then get this trophy. However, what you also get is a weird understanding and like for Monika. She seems to care about a lot of things and she’s clearly struggling in a reality she would’ve never chosen for herself. I started to feel bad for her. One part she talks about for you to be there for your friends and loved ones because their real and just checking in on them could save them from falling deeper into any depression they may have. She also asks if you drank enough water that day. She also talks a lot about missing the club and her friends that she “deleted”. I didn’t fully blame Monika anymore even though what she did was truly fucked up. Sitting there and listening to her humanized her a lot and it was kinda cool to see. She became a relatable and misguided villain instead of just outright evil. Which is typically how villains show themselves in our day to day lives. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it makes them human.
All in all I can’t ever fully express in words how much this game means to me. It’s near and dear to my heart and I can’t wait to collect all the nedoroids this game has. It brings so many serious topics to the forefront and shows people talking about them and engaging them in both healthy and extremely unhealthy ways. It’s so well balanced. I’ll never forget my experiences with Doki Doki Literature Club. It’s a wonderful one.