3,000 Followers Celebration!!

Every time I reach a major milestone it surprises me. This one is no exception. This one in particular is surprising because my blogging has been super sporadic and in general different. Mostly because I haven’t been reading as much or writing as much due to many different things. I’m working on changing that, but right now I’m a work in progress so I’m taking things one day at a time.

This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I don’t deserve this. Just because as much I’ve wanted to return to blogging and move forward positively something inside always blocks me. But, I’m going to keep trying. Because this blog has brought a lot of good in my life and I have to get back to where things are going well again.

I have so many books to read and movies to talk about and ventures to pursue. I’m tired of feeling stuck. But, I can choose to not be stuck. So that’s what I’m going to choose. So hopefully over the next few days, weeks, and months I’ll feel less like an imposter and more like myself. I have the means to turn things around for myself and so that’s what I’m going to do.

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me. I’m sorry that my blog has been so sporadic lately. I’m going to do my best in the coming days, weeks, and months to bring my blog back to what it once was.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

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I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!

Choosing to Live Life Fully

After being sick for a while, I forgot once more the state of mind I had gotten myself to just before I got sick. For some reason, being sick brought out a lot of the anxious thoughts and emotions I had been feeling for a while prior. But, it is time to let those thoughts go. To set them free and give them away. They are not serving me any.

I’m living my life to the fullest this year. I may have stumbled at the start, but I’m not going to let that stop me. There is so much in this life to appreciate and enjoy so I’m going to enjoy them.

I just needed to write this to remind myself of the path I wish to take. To live my life fully, unapologetically, and without regrets. It might be a while till I can embrace this fully, but I’m going to try and try until that is my reality. Because, I want to live the life I choose.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Why I Took an Unplanned Hiatus

Hello everyone!

I’m finally ready to come back to the blogging community. It’s been a while. A lot longer then I would have liked, but a lot has happened recently and I’m now ready to talk about it.

So, at first I took this hiatus because I had an issue at work with a coworker and the whole thing stressed me out because even though what happened was totally uncalled for there was the fear that I might loose my job. However, it’s all straightened out now and me and that coworker no longer work on the same shifts.

After that I got really sick. At one point I went to the emergency room because I was having panic attacks because when I coughed I felt like I couldn’t breath. I woke up at 5:00 am that day and could not sleep because of how bad my sinuses were. I’m still a little under the weather, but I’m much better now.

So in the time I haven’t been blogging I decided to do something I enjoyed while I was awake. Which was to finally watch all the movies in the marvel cinematic universe. I had been wanted to do this for a while, but never knew what order to go in and had only watched iron man, the hulk, and the guardians of the galaxy movies before setting myself on this quest. Today I finally finished all of them and so I’m going to do a blog series about my thoughts.

There is one more thing I want to talk about. During this time sitting just with myself I went through a lot of emotional purging and understandings. One thing is for certain. My mental health gravely impacted my sickness. Mental health issues aren’t to be messed with. They are real and they are strong and they can mess with you. They can be overcome. However, I had given into my own for a while. I let anxiety and depression run the wheel of my life for too long thinking those thoughts were there to protect me when they were lies.

Currently, I’m working on getting back to a better schedule and creating opportunities to talk about things that make me happy, rather then focusing on my losses. It’s been more difficult for me then I thought it would be, but giving myself projects to work on and getting back into reading and writing should all be helpful.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my reality, much like others deal with bipolar disorder, various phobias, and any other mental health issue. But, it does not define me. It makes my life harder. It makes the relationships I have more difficult then they should be, but in working to heal it I become stronger. I’m going to live my life moment by moment. I’m going to keep hope and faith in my life. I’m going to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. I think the more I do so the smaller the hold anxiety and depression will have on me.

There was a time that I thought my mental health journey wouldn’t affect my life that much. Where I made it smaller then it was. I allowed it to sneak up on me and take control. From now on I take the reigns. I’m determined to make each day something I can look back and smile about from now on. I spent way too much time while I was sick stuck in waves of negative emotion and then flipping back into more positive emotion. I’m going to stick to the positive as much as possible from now on.

Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back finally. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad’s birthday. I want to take this time to talk about how much my dad means to me and the importance he has for my life.

My dad was my idol from when I was a little kid. I would follow him around wherever he went. Helped him with whatever I could. Looked for bugs in the dirt with him. When I was little I would listen to story after story that he would tell me with complete awe.

My dad’s health right now is terrible. Thing after thing came up and I honestly don’t know how much time I have left with him. That’s why on days like today I take a step back. I look at the people I love and I pray for as much time with them as possible.

If I’ve been taught anything due to my dad’s sickness it’s that you don’t give up on people you love. You hold onto them. You cherish them and every moment you have, because you don’t know when they may be gone from your life.

My dad will always be my hero. Today and every day going forward I’m going to cherish him. It’s been hard to see how his sickness has changed him, but the man that he always was to me will never change.

I may become different things to different people in the future. A friend, a love, a co-worker, a mentor, or what have you, but I will always be my dad’s little girl.

Happy birthday dad. I love you. May we have another wonderful year together. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for reading!

-Till next time!

Watching: Incredibles 2

I have to admit I’ve been a little lazy lately. Getting up late. Watching whatever I feel like watching. Going to work and coming back to watch something else I feel like watching. But, today is the last of that. Or at least I’m going to be awake long enough to complete my daily goals. We’ll see how long that lasts.

But, this post isn’t about that. It’s about a little movie called ‘Incredibles 2’ and how I feel so proud to finally have watched it.

I watched this movie out of pure nostalgia. I loved it. I enjoyed that it took place right after the original film and that it had so many nods to the original film.

Most of all, I loved the pure excitement I felt when Edna came on screen.

Just look at Edna. She’s amazing. I never fully encompassed why, but I always loved her. Her character always made me laugh, but at the same time I always felt this immense respect for her. She is a boss lady. No doubt about that. I love that even when Mr. Incredible in the room she still holds the power even when it looks like Mr. Incredible could crush her in 2 seconds, it’s Edna who holds the real power. I love that. So, I’m not ashamed of saying that her part is my favorite of the movie. Although, there is a lot that could be said for the rest of it.

Incredibles has always been known for the family aspect. Everyone coming together to fight crime. In this movie I loved that a lot of the most pressing issues didn’t even feel like they were coming from the villain threats, but just Mr. Incredible dealing with how to be a parent. Not only that, but how to be a parent to kids with powers. Which has to be 1000% harder. I loved seeing him get frustrated. I loved the realness of those emotions. Love isn’t easy, but you do your best everyday, because at the end of the day that feeling when you look at your partner, friend, or family member in the eye it’s all worth it. I loved that this movie showcased that.

I also have to say that Jack Jack was MVP.

Just look at him. He was a full on terror. However, some of my other favorite parts were Mr. Incredible dealing with Jack Jack. I would not be able to deal with this little one. He’s a lot to handle, but I love him just the same. If I wasn’t afraid he was going to burn me alive I would definitely give this little one a big hug.

If you haven’t already. Go and see Incredibles 2. Especially if you grew up watching Incredibles like I did. It’s wholly worth the experience even just for the nostalgia.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My Goodreads Year In Books: 2018

I started off the year really strongly with all the books I’d been reading. Then as time went on life threw a bunch of changes at me and my reading suffered for it. In the new year, I hope to get back into reading again. In 2018, I did get to read some incredible books. As far as that goes it was a great year. I’m excited to share them with all of you.

I look forward to the new year and what books will be coming my way. It feels good to look back and remember how wonderful it was to read all these books when I got to read them.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram.

Check out The Candle Caffe website.

Check out some weird daily poetry updates off Wattpad.

-Till next time!

Watching: Hell Fest

Part of me not being able to fully get in the Spirit of Christmas this year was the fact that I Still was in a very halloween mood. So upon the end of the Christmas season I immediately felt myself shift back into the spooky spirit and found myself watching one of this years spooky features, Hell Fest.

This film was fun to watch. I liked the concept of it and even as some parts made me want to scream “Why-though?” I enjoyed my time watching this.

Hell Fest follows a group of teens having a night out at a horror nights in a theme park. The idea of real deaths happening in front of you and you not realizing it because in that situation your already meant to suspend your disbelief is terrifying. It made me question if I’d be able to tell a real death vs. a fake one should I go out to a horror nights for halloween in the future. It’s not something I had previously thought of.

Overall, what I really enjoyed the most was the visuals the movie had. It felt realistic to what a horror nights would look like. Although, there were times where I wondered how the cast kept getting into parts of the park where no one was around so often. Usually a place like that is packed everywhere. I don’t see how there wasn’t a ton of people around on a constant basis, but that’s me being a bit picky.

Of the deaths only one way overtly gore heavy and that death will be stuck in my brain permanently. I can still see it perfectly in my mind and it’s something I’d like to erase. Most of the horror I watch doesn’t typically have all that much gore. So for that one part this movie was not my cup of tea. It’s weird because most of the rest of the movie isn’t that overtly gore filled. There is Death sure, but it wasn’t the worst as far as horror deaths go. Then all of a sudden I was scared for life.

What I found to be really cool was that the situation didn’t come off as too far-fetched. In reality, a killer like that could exist and it could be really hard to catch him right away once he was set loose inside the park. Once the friends realized what was happening and got to talk with security about what was happening and security couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything to help especially because all the actors in the park are masked and they had no way of knowing who to take down felt pretty realistic to me. Even them downplaying the situation and saying that the missing friends were drunk or passed out somewhere made sense to me. At the end of the day no one wants the worst case scenario to be the true one.

I also liked that in between the moments of death there was some comedy. Maybe, a bit crude with the humor, but really it wasn’t in bad taste.

All in all, I enjoyed Hell Fest. I loved the visuals. I liked its darkness. I liked the realistic nature of the fear. If you like spooky cinema with flecks of comedic flavor you’ll enjoy this movie. It’s not perfect, but it was a fun time.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram!

Check out The Candle Caffe website.

Check out my weird poetry on wattpad.

-Till next time!

Hello 2019!

This year is going to be crazy. It’s going to be different and I’m going to call it right now, but it’s going to be beautiful. This is a year where I refuse to live in any other way then the way I choose. Where I find my own path and live life unafraid.

2018 was a year of fear. Even in the most beautiful part of 2018 there was still an element of fear and it ruined everything for me. I’m done with fear. I’m done with following a normal set path for myself. I want to write my own story. Not only do I want to, but I’m going to do it. Because fear and sadness have done nothing, but hurt me. I don’t want to be sad any more. I don’t want to be worried anymore. I don’t want to live life in a way I’ll regret it anymore.

So here are some words I wish to live by in the new year:

In 2018, I let anxiety and hurt rule me. I didn’t let myself believe and what I knew in my heart to be true. I let myself get caught up in how things should happen and didn’t let things happen as was right for me and not necessarily right for others. All these things caused me to make choices I do regret. Which, is something I never thought I’d do to myself. 2019 and beyond is a time in my life where I don’t want to do that ever again. Let me clarify.. It’s something I’m never going to let myself do that again.

Fear has kept me from all the things I truly love in life. Kept me from taking the chances I needed to take. All of it causing a time of great sadness and I ended up hurting myself the most. Anytime I can I’m going to do what’s best and right for me. I’m going to follow my heart. I got way to much in my head in 2018. I’m done with that. I’m going to give my heart the reigns in the new year and just see what happens.

I don’t know what to expect this year. There are endless possibilities. But no matter what happens I’m going to make sure that it’s one of the best years of my life. I’m going to write this year. I’m going to read a lot of amazing books this year. I’m going to live life this year. I’m going to make sure that it is truly a year to remember.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram!

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-Till next time!

Watching: Bird Box

It’s New Year’s Eve and I want to talk about the movie that has been a very hot topic lately: Bird Box.

Bird Box is an intense and emotional thriller that brings you on the edge of your seat. However, I found it to feel like a metaphor for life. I know in my life in a much smaller way I’m just focused on survival first. Doing what I need to do so my family and I have food on the table and that the bills are paid.

Bird Box is very different from that or course. It’s far more sinister. The forces at play are much more malicious and the end result is something more then terrifying. But the characters essentially do as we all do when we as human beings are threatened: Anything and everything that can be done to ensure survival. They forget warmth. They forget truly living. They adapt to the difficult new reality and live on.

Sometimes, I think in all our lives we forget to enjoy life. We get lost in doing task after task and make our lives into one great big to-do list and suddenly we look back and realize we didn’t let ourselves enjoy what the world has to offer. I want to live my life in such a way that should I pass on tomorrow that I have no regrets. That I at least can say I lived my life the way I wanted to an lived it well. I hadn’t been doing that for a long time in 2018, but I’m remedying that now and will continue that into the future.

Either way, watching Bird Box made me feel very intensely. Watching people make sacrifices for each other and loose loved ones and live in a world of pure chaos all trying to find at least something or someone to hold on to was terribly beautiful. The deaths were terrible. Watching people kill themselves in such horrible ways broke my heart. Yet this story really isn’t about the death. It’s about those who live on. About finding meaning in what is now. That’s an incredible message.

I’m not going to talk about the ending or even the blind aspect of the movie. Which visually put me on edge the entire movie. Because even if those things are important and have technical affect on making the person watching feel a certain way it’s not what I got out of this movie.

I gained a new perspective. A reaffirmation to move forward in life full force. To take chances and not give up. Maybe, this isn’t the typical thing that is received from watching this movie. I’m not sure how much this aspect is talked about. Either way, this is movie that is a fantastic watch. It’s definitely my brand of Sci-fi.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram.

Check out The Candle Caffe website.

-Till next time!