My Goodreads Year In Books: 2018

I started off the year really strongly with all the books I’d been reading. Then as time went on life threw a bunch of changes at me and my reading suffered for it. In the new year, I hope to get back into reading again. In 2018, I did get to read some incredible books. As far as that goes it was a great year. I’m excited to share them with all of you.

I look forward to the new year and what books will be coming my way. It feels good to look back and remember how wonderful it was to read all these books when I got to read them.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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Check out some weird daily poetry updates off Wattpad.

-Till next time!

Spending Time With Family

This blog has become very personal recently, and honestly I like it. Sharing my ups and downs and more what’s going on with me, especially when there has been a lot going on with me recently is pretty cool. Being able to remain open and honest about my anxieties, depression from events that have past, and what I’m healing mentally is really awesome! I’m very grateful to have a platform where I can be real with others.

That being said today was another nice day. It’s a day I needed. It’s also a day I think my family needed too. Myself, my mom, and my sister went to visit some relatives on my mom’s side and it was a pretty chill (also cold) and relaxing day. I may have felt tired all day, but I ate some great food, learned how to play a game called Mexican Train, and got to go on a nice walk with my niece and nephew. We were on a quest to fly a drone that just didn’t pan out, but otherwise it was a nice walk.

It feels weird, but I’m relaxing into life after a long time of feeling afraid of it. Even when I was happy about it I was afraid that the happiness would go away, but now I’m really feeling cool with whatever comes and goes and that feeling is amazing.

2018 in general has been a big year for me, but I’ve grown a lot especially mentally this year. I’m more in tune now with what I want and how I feel then I’ve ever been and I’m genuinely excited for the first time to see what 2019 brings. Before I was honestly terrified, but now I have an odd peaceful feeling about it. It feels like a year I purged a lot of emotion. Old wounds that have now mostly healed. Especially wounds that I didn’t realize I had.

As crazy as it is to say I feel like I needed to go through all the difficult things I went through this year so that I could become stronger as a person. Because I do feel stronger. Yeah, I hurt a lot this year. I dealt with a lot of general unhappiness. I also didn’t deal with certain things in the best way. But, I’m human and I’m still learning. I think no matter how old you get there is still something to learn. I’m only 20, I’m going to make a lot of mistakes in my life. I just have to make it a point to try my best.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Books of Christmas Future 2018

The future is an enigma. No one can know truly what is to come or what will be. One can only let the universe know their hopes and see if the universe grants what they wish to be.

Maybe the future will grant me a story of lives past

Or maybe the future will be where it’s at

A continuation of a story I started in the past

Or something totally new to keep the imagination something that lasts

Maybe a story to spark love in my heart

Or something where demons live supreme

Maybe something with a bit of tongue in cheek

Or something written a bit uniquely

Maybe something to spark some fear

But you can’t be without a bit of tears

What ever Christmas future brings

I know I’m going to love the adventure they bring

Thanks for reading! Let’s all hope for some great stories in our Christmas futures! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

Books of Christmas Present

This year, I did not receive any books for Christmas. It was a very clothing heavy Christmas this year. Which makes sense due to my rapid weight loss journey over the course of the past months.

In a way it gave me a chance to appreciate the books on my shelves that I own and haven’t yet read.

Truly the Books of the Present are all the amazing books on my shelves and in my kindle library that are just waiting to tell me their stories. I can’t wait to dive into them.

This post almost turned into something sad. Not because it is absent of books or anything. But because, Christmas this year has not felt like Christmas for me. I notice in my own family that everyone looked like they were going through the motions this year and it felt like the spirit of the season was completely absent.

However, it’s good to remember that no matter what we are still family and that we love each other. Even when times get hard. That because of the love we feel for each other we can get through any obstacle.

If anything, this Christmas is teaching me to try and take action to bring joy into my life. Instead of letting things remain in a negative state. Because I don’t like feeling down during the holiday season. This Christmas is as it is, but next Christmas will be here before I know it and I want to enjoy it for what it should be.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas Day. I hope it was filled with joy and good interactions with family, friends, and loved ones.

Thank you all for reading!

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Let’s Talk About: 2018

This year has been a lot and it’s not even over yet, but I am so ready to let this year go and see what 2019 has to bring me. However, that’s more for a later post.

Now I want to talk about this crazy, weirdly not as bad as I previously thought, yet also kinda terrible year. To be honest, the beginning of the year was a blur. I don’t remember much. I was probably frustrated due to finical struggles that continue on to today. The one bright spot was getting a car after a stint of not having one due to awful circumstances that live in 2017.

I remember being frustrated with the same job I still have that has been an ongoing thing this year. I remember applying to a lot of different other jobs that didn’t take. I remember being frustrated with being stagnant in my life and feeling like I was never going to really make anything of myself.

I remember making many many pledges to myself this year and the pride I felt when I kept some of those pledges. One being to do something about my weight because it bothered me and I felt ugly in clothing and so I made it a point to do something about it and it worked. I lost over 14 pounds this year and I’m still losing weight. I remember focusing on my mental health and trying to get back into writing and finishing a draft of a novel for the first time.

On the heel of all that, things that meld together because everyday I made it a point to get up early and make that day a new chance to do what I wanted to do (something I need to bring back into my life), I had a very weird and beautiful period that brought some great people into my life and all of a sudden I found myself in love. That love story was crazy and beautiful and full of hope. The relationship lasted for two months. I knew the guy for three. I am still at a loss for words about it all. I still love this person very much. Regardless, of anything that’s been said to me about it. Regardless, of being terribly confused because I feel like for the first time I don’t understand the why of something because I don’t have the full story. Regardless of the fact that this person left my life in such a way that it’s like he poofed himself out of existence. I still deeply care for love and hope happiness for this person. I wish for all his dreams whatever they may be to come true.

However, the loss and the whole crazy beautiful unbelievable story of it has literally changed my life in so many ways. One, I didn’t ever realize how true it is that break-ups are the worst thing mentally ever. The amount of tears and confusion and physical pain I have felt due to his loss is a bit of insanity. I have never felt so out of myself then I have in this experience. Especially because the truth of the matter is this guy felt like the one. Call me crazy stupid whatever, but that’s how I felt. We got along incredibly well. We understood each other. Something about the thought of him just existing and being the amazing guy I believed in made me feel stable. I don’t know, but I was happier then I had been in years and I was discovering new music with him and I was opening myself up to his world and it felt like he was opening himself up to mine.

All I know is for the rest of my life I will always have this guy in my heart. I will always feel a sense of love for him. Because even if I don’t know the whole story or why we couldn’t be together when everything seemed to be so good and changed so rapidly, I will always know that the love was real. That the guy I was getting to know was as authentic with me as he could be. That I will forever be a better person for knowing him. Whatever happens in the future. Should I meet someone that somehow makes me feel something greater then what he made me feel I will always have a piece of his heart with my own. Even though somewhere deep down I get the feeling that his presence in my life isn’t over and I can’t shake it.

But, to clarify something, I don’t think I handled being in a relationship as well as I could have. There are things that I look back on and think that I should have done things differently. One of those things was how much anxiety I was allowing to build up in myself. I worried a lot more then I should have. I miscalculated a lot of things. I thought my family would be cool with it when they weren’t for reasons I didn’t agree with. I tried to figure out ways to somehow get things to work when a lot of it was out of my control. I also didn’t let him introduce himself the way he wanted to and I shouldn’t have done that. I made a lot of mistakes on my part. However, he was the first thing I choose for myself and though I wish things had turned out differently it I learned a lot of life lessons.

One thing I learned is that I convinced myself that I needed him and maybe in some ways that was true, but the truth is more that I wanted him in my life very badly and I could not imagine for the life of me a more beautiful future for myself then the one with him in it. That even if loosing him wasn’t what I wanted I could move forward in my life without him in it. That I would be ok. Right now, I’m more ok then I was. I think I will always miss him. He is a big part of the reason why I’m trying so hard to stay positive. He taught me that no matter how bleak a situation may look there is always something good in life to enjoy. There will always be weird random things in this world that remind me of him like the time I cried at Walmart just cause I saw some Alfredo sauce and remembered him saying once that he would make pasta with his sister. Or when listening to any Michael Buble song ever. Or every-time my sister puts on the Karate kid and my soul dies a little because I swear I’ve never met a guy who loved that movie as much as he did and I live in a house where that movie gets played a billion times over. This guy even instilled in me a love of heavy metal I never thought I would have. I don’t understand it but somehow so many of those songs bring me peace. Damn it if the sound of guitar played a certain way even in a song I had never heard before brings a tear in my eyes. Losing this guy affected me incredibly deeply. Yet, I’m surprised at how short and small any anger I had was. It’s all just been deep sadness and a deep sense of loss. For a while I couldn’t (sometimes still can’t) eat quite right because things weren’t tasting quite right and I felt like throwing up. I never thought I’d feel that way. Not over a guy. Yet here I am.

Maybe it was partially that it was a perfect storm of sucky things. My dad ending up in the hospital again the day after I realized I’d been ghosted. Finding out my dad had four mini strokes. The many not fun discussions I’d have with my mom because of said guy. Other frustration with myself for feeling like I’d overreacted about everything and that maybe that was why things happened the way they did. Also realizing that my mental health was essentially garbage and I needed time to process everything before I even could have a chance of healing.

So here I am now. After another decent break from blogging due to the chaos a day before my 20th birthday and somehow finding that things aren’t so bad. My dad is doing ok. He’s the same as he has been. I have some plans to take on 2019. I’m no longer in my wallowing stage of my grief. I’m willing to take on whatever it is that life is going to throw at me next.

I will not live in my past. I will not let apathy settle in my heart. 2018 was what it was. A lot of it sucked a lot of it was beautiful and a lot of it was positive too. I know that one day everything is going to turn out alright and everything that has happened will make a lot more sense. All that being said, I wish farewell to 2018 it’s not quite reached its end, but believe me I will be breathing a sigh of relief once it’s over.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Going to Be Better in December

This month I don’t really have any plans in particular. I’m just going to focus on getting my mind and body into a healthier state and doing things I love to do. It’s Christmas Season! I have a lot of things to look forward to.

One thing that is weird for me is that in two weeks time I will be 20 years old. This feels strange because it’s just a reminder that I’ve barely started my life. I’m not even if legal drinking age yet, I have so much future to live for.

I think this month I’m going to remember who I am. A girl who loves books and cares deeply about her family. Someone who dreams of being a writer and fears writing for very little real reason. Who loves music and dancing and having fun. Who loves Christmas. Who cares about people. I’m not going to let what has gone and past affect me anymore. I need to move forward. I will move forward. I will be a better me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have books yet to be read. I have a roof over my head. My Dad is still here. I have stories to be written. I just need to change my perspective.

So this December I’m going to dedicate myself to heal. To give myself a chance. To enjoy life again. To smile and mean it.

Thanks for reading! I’m sorry about all the life posts recently. I haven’t been reading as much recently and with everything that’s been going on, I’ve been struggling to get back on track. Things should be back on track very soon!

-Till next time!

I’m not Ready for 2019

As many of you know, 2018 was a year that will be remembered as when my life set on fire. I don’t really have words for the odd twists and turns this year took for me. For how lost I’ve felt I’ve become. The mistakes I made just wishing that I could accept a little piece of happiness in my life.

However, life tumbles on and I’m not ready to tackle next year. I have so many fears. Many of them about my dad. Many of them about the same finical situation I’ve had since the year began. Many of them due to feeling stuck to wake up to the same thing to go to the same job I don’t like and never going out and experiencing little things that give me a sense of enjoyment. I’m afraid of 2019.

I’m afraid of 2019 being the same as 2018 and I’m afraid more so that it will be worse. All this fear in me makes it hard for me to do the things I want to do. It makes it hard for me to write. Makes it hard for me to read. Makes it hard for me to have a feeling of hope. Makes it hard for me to dare to dream.

But the thing about all this is, I have the cards I’ve been felt and they are not going to go away. They aren’t going to change. I’ve lost what I’ve lost. What’s around the corner is coming for me weather I like it or not. I can’t hide from it.

So in 2019, much like every other year, I’m going to try to get a semblance of normal. I’m going to try and heal from 2018’s wounds. I’m going to write like the world is at its end if I don’t. I’m going to do all that I’m going to not close myself off to others. I’m going to let my heart remain open. Open to friendships, open to my family, and open to love. To what may or may not happen.

I can’t stop time from moving on. I can’t stop what’s around the corner for me. But I can try to lessen my fear. I can try to heal. I can try to move forward. Who knows maybe 2019 will be a great year? All of it is yet unwritten.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Why I’m Not Doing Nanowrimo This November

Every year I try to pursue Nanowrimo and every year I fail. I fail because of life. I fail because I have so many things I want to do. I fail because I can’t seem to sit myself down and write 1,500 words in one sitting. One year, I swear I will pursue and complete this challenge, but now is not the time.

I have a lot of things going on in my personal life. I have a lot of obligations I have to fill. I also, have this urge to watch some movies. Plus, I’ve had the feeling of wanting to binge all of Shane Dawson’s You-tuber documentaries. I’m also working a lot trying to make some extra money for Christmas. I simply don’t have the time.

This does not mean I won’t be writing at all. I’m currently writing a new book idea that has required no outlining what-so-ever and basically just lives in my brain waiting to be written. This book would have been perfect for Nanowrimo, but still, I have a couple of other obligations I’m working on on the side.

Sometimes, you have to look at your life and say to yourself that your not going to pile up a billion things. I have a tendency to do that to myself. To say I’m going to do this thing and that thing and adding too many things till I burn out. So for now I’m just going to stick with what I have.

This month no doubt is going to be a productive one. However, writing a whole book is not going to be in the cards. That’s fine by me for now. I’m going to try and balance some enjoyment and productivity this month. I think that is a good goal.

Nanowrimo is an amazing thing. So many amazing writers go on and tackle their stories and make them real. I’m going to continue on that same path, but I’m taking a slow and steady approach to it. I have so much I want to do. I think it’s not so bad to try and balance everything out a bit.

Thanks for reading! Are you doing Nanowrimo? I’d love to hear your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

My November Goals

So as many of you know, the past few months had been amazing for me. Some of the coolest most wonderful things came into my life. I was productive and having fun and enjoying life and what it had to offer. I felt amazing.

However, I haven’t posted in a few days. I hadn’t done so because well, some things threw my life into chaos and I had been forced to choose a path and even if I feel I choose the right one, my family isn’t happy about it. Yet either way, half of this decision isn’t mine to make and the person concerned in all of this is out of touch with me for a while.

In the meantime, I spent a lot of time thinking. A lot of time trying to figure out some things. Spent time watching many YouTube videos so that I could have some happiness. Some sense of normalcy. I feel like my life has turned into a battlefield and I for a short time felt like I was loosing. I felt I was in a lot of turmoil and I needed that time to figure some things out on my own.

What this all has to do with November is that I’m going to get back to myself this month. I’m going to be productive. I’m going to continue my life. I’m going to be as happy as I can, because I know that’s what the person/people I love most would want for me. What I would want for all the people I love. I need to finish some things I started last month. So there’s still going to be some spooky talk for a while. I’m going to read some great books. I’m going to write and I’m going to write as much as I can. I’m going to put myself first and do the best I can in all ways that I can.

When I think about the difference between what’s happened these past few months and what’s going on right now it’s staggering. However, I’m hoping that things will turn out well soon. I’m hoping that whatever happens I can come out of all of this in tact. I believe I will. I believe that I’ve chosen well. Sometimes, you have to take some time and choose for yourself. Sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

Murder House

Enticed by a price

Cheaper then any other

For a house of grandeur

Whose outside was beautiful

The inside hid great and dreadful horrors

Horrors that make your insides twist

Make what you’ve eaten want to come out

Yet, you didn’t know so you bought

You bought and for a while All was fine

Till you heard scratches in the walls

Screams you’d thought were nightmares

Crumbs appear where you’d thought you’d cleaned up

Things disappearing and reappearing where you didn’t have them placed

You convince yourself

I’m paranoid

Everything is fine

Yet the subtle insanity creeps into you

Until things escalate in slow calculation

The smallest drop of blood on the carpet

A scratch on the wall your sure wasn’t there before

Loud breathing above you as you sleep alone

Yet you still think it was a dream

Then suddenly it grows bolder

You have scratches on your body

Bruises you don’t remember receiving

You step on a piece of shattered glass

Yet you hadn’t dropped anything since you arrived

You start your bath and leave to get something to eat and you come back to scalding water

You run through your mind every small event

They twist into each other and your mind starts to crack

Broken lights that shouldn’t be broken

That one drop of blood to that stench of urine

The stench you’d smell sitting in the living room

Your hand holding the remote searching for just the right thing to watch

the crack becomes a fracture and you put your head in your hands

You scream and scream and you hear laughter and you scream and scream and tears fall as you scream

When it comes for you from behind you had finally gone quiet, but it whispers in your ear

And then it leaves you alone

Because it is not done playing

You’ve had enough you try to leave

You make it outside

Spend a week away with a friend

Then you come back

Because it sounds like a nightmare and you’ve never before been afraid of the dark

That was the last time you’d ever leave that house

And the monster laughs and laughs and laughs

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little poem. It was fun to write. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!