My Inviting In..

One thing I took from Y’all West is something George M Johnson said about instead of coming out you are choosing to invite others in. Sharing a special something about yourself that matters. It’s a beautiful way to think about it.

I’ve thought about doing this for a while. It’s taken time for me to figure out innerly who I am. I spent most of my life pretending to myself that I was straight and well spoilers, but I’m definitely not.

The easier part that I have mentioned slightly is that I’m Demi-sexual which means I need an emotional connection with someone before I’m attracted to them. I blame that part for me taking so long to realize this second part, but I’m also pan-sexual. Feels strange to write it out. Yet, oddly I don’t feel the need to tear up the way I did when I was talking about it with one of my friends.

I’ve called myself straight for so long that I hid my truth to the point where I couldn’t see it despite it staring me dead in the face. I can be attracted to anyone regardless of gender and yes I do love masculinity and I’m a little more attracted to masculine presenting people, but I do find femininity to be attractive as well.

I have considered myself to be an ally for a long time. Just really supportive of the community and knowing that everyone deserves to love and express themselves in a way that aligns with the truth of who they are. It took me time to discover my truth and that’s ok.

So.. I guess all this is to say “Hi! My name is Tiana Wolfe and I’m Demi/pan sexual.” It feels good to say it to read the words and know them to be true. It feels like me.

Thank you all so much for being here. For being a part of my life’s journey. For supporting me. I feel so happy to be on a community where I feel comfortable enough to be open about my truth. You all are truly something special.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Reclaiming Authenticity: What this Year has been About for me so Far

It’s only been four months into 2020 and so much in my life has changed. Things I thought were real turned out to be lies. I’ve found myself growing more friendships then I have in my entire life. Found someone really special that I care about very much. Learned so much about myself and healed so much that I didn’t realize was still hurting me.

Then, this weekend Y’all West happened and I realized just how much I’ve missed books. I hadn’t felt that passion for books and the community and reading and writing in ages. I felt freed once more. Last year was one where I was in deep pain and I felt like nothing mattered at all and I was desperate to just take care of myself. Now, now I feel like I’m ready to move forward again. To be myself again to the full extent that I was always meant to.

It’s been so crazy because I’ve had to face my fears so head on with all that’s come to pass with Quarantine and my dad being at risk with his cancer and just that fear when I went to the store no longer having a car only able to carry what we had in our hands and seeing almost nothing we could use for food on the shelves. I panic messaged my partner in crime and he helped me stay sane in the face of such insanity.

I’ve realized that this year has been all about reclaiming the heart of who I am again. Realizing that I am capable and that I can deal with the difficulties and not make them define who I am. That I can let things go and find ways to be authentic to who I am and my wants and not feel guilty for wanting them.

I couldn’t read or write for so long cause it was such a deep reminder of pain and I couldn’t deal with it. The end of last year I reclaimed my happiness. Now it’s time to reclaim my passion and my authenticity. I know myself very well. Taking a year of just thinking and wondering and you end up learning more about yourself then you ever knew.

My day to day path forward is now so clear to me. I feel so much better and so much more capable then I’ve ever felt. I feel like I can be myself. That I can do what I need to to be happy. To tell stories again. My heart is literally soaring right now. I feel so amazed to be here. I’m just happy to be alive.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Y’all West: Y’all Stay Home: Saturday Webinars

This is the first ever time I’ve gotten the chance to attend Y’all west. I’m honestly pretty happy it’s online this time. I’ve never had the chance to attend dispute begging my mom every single year and for the first time this book nerd is getting to participate! This post is going to be all about Saturdays webinars. Things I loved. What I participated in. Any fun surprises that I got to experience. This is the all access post I’ve wished to read for ages.

Check out the yall west website for information and tomorrow’s schedule!

My Experience:

I woke up way before my alarm went off. I was just so excited! I’m so happy to be a part of this today. It’s just incredible. I’ve always wanted to and ahhhh I’m just so happy!

9 am: I read YA @ Home

To start I’m super excited to check out The Bridge! Hearing Bill’s story was something special. If I read any book from this panel I want it to be this one. It sounds so beautiful. I love how he talked about it. His personal struggle with suicidal ideation. God I loved how he decided to create something beautiful out of something so hard. I can’t wait to read it one day!

I love Jennifer! I’m just finishing reading the fourth book of her Deep Blue series and I love it. I’m so excited to read Poisoned! I’ll always read anything she writes!

Leah is a sweetheart. I loved hearing about You Should See Me in a Crown. I loved that she was just winging it and was growing up along with her character. It’s super cool. Every authors journey is different. Her story was so fun to hear about!

I didn’t realize that Jennifer was rejected for so long. It’s amazing that she went from that to being such an inspiration to me and so many others. It’s so wonderful to hear.

10 am: Opening Ceremony + Teanote AM Keynote

A fun little start to the festival. A cute little happy time. I loved it. I loved the cute little outfits. I haven’t read Little Women, but it was so fun to hear them discuss it all. Jo & Laurie sounds like such an adorable story. I’d love to check it out someday. The sisterly love in the panel was amazing. I enjoyed them talking about writing together. Such a cute panel.

11 am: Creativity in the Time of Corona

A fun time. This cast was really fun to watch. It was all about being kind to yourself and taking it day by day. Things definitely have changed. That it’s enough to take care of yourself and it’s such a pure and loving thought. All of them are such beautiful souls. It was really freeing to hear them talk. I loved it. That living and enjoying life is just as important as the work that your passionate about. Pretty much a do what you want and what’s best for you type of advice. It’s such a lovely thing.

On a side note hearing about how they write for video games was fascinating! I adored that aspect. Such an interesting and fun thing!

12 am: Modern Magic World-building

God I love fantasy. I love listening to all these fantasy authors talk about fantasy. It’s just the best feeling. I love what Adalyn Grace said about always chasing magic. I’ve always done that. God I love this so much. Essentially writing fantasy is such fun and that’s what makes it so fun to read. It’s pure escapism and what it reflects on the world after is a bonus. Everyone’s processes for writing fantasy was really fun to hear about.

As a side note every word out of Frances Hardinge’s mouth is a gem. She’s such a fun person to hear talk. I love her mind and the way she expresses herself it’s so delightfully wonderful.

This awesome answer came during this that I’m glad I saved cause otherwise it would’ve disappeared forever:

1 pm: Middle Grade Truth or Dare

Fun and cute panel. I wasn’t going to join in, but it’s been a gem of a panel. The banter between Ally Condie and Brendan Reichs was just so fun. I was laughing the whole time. The sarcasm was awesome and I got a lot of book recommendations for things I’ve never heard of that sound amazing.

2 pm: Truth Talking in Tough Times

This was a really interesting panel. Super informative. Very fun. Just a bunch of badass women talking badass things. Amazing! The toughest parts of life can inspire such hope and amazing ability to overcome. I loved watching this. Also how friendship can be a powerful tool for amazing things. As well as how powerful love can be in times of struggle. I especially want to read Lobizona. It sounds absolutely incredible.

Also the amount of empowerment and belief in the youth of our generation is beautiful. I love every one of these authors. This talk was amazing.

3 pm: Facing the Enemy: Hope, War, and Revolution

I love the female energy on this panel. All the books sound amazing. Feels like a chill podcast, but just with these amazing authors just talking about stuff. It’s so fun. I loved there ideas on hope. That was my favorite part of the panel. No matter what there is always hope and everything can just get a little bit better and a little bit better.

4 pm: This American Experience

Bill is back!!!! Yes! This panel is going to be amazing.

I love this panel it’s a very interesting and unique group of authors with all incredible books that I can’t wait to check out. I’ve been so immersed in the conversation, It’s been so powerful to me. Every person on this panel is amazing. All the books sound absolutely incredible and they all effect change and stand for creating a better world. It’s so empowering and hopeful. I love it.

Also having a white women whose very aware of being white among many marginalized authors in different ways was interesting. The conversation was a very unique one and I enjoyed it very much.

Edit: I do feel the need to address the fact that despite enjoying the chat and the authors dealing gracefully with a moderator that clearly should not have been the moderator. I’m linking the tweet to what was said and what the issues were. https://twitter.com/nekuthebooklock/status/1254227203971309568?s=21 this does not negate the fact that the discussions each author had about their book in spite of her was amazing to listen to.

5 pm: PM Keynote with Brandon Sanderson

Some straight advice on writing. Although I personally don’t entirely agree with it. It’s not really how I believe. It was interesting to hear, but it’s not exactly how I personally see dreams and what one is capable of. Or that it was framed in a way that resonated with me personally. I’m an optimist. I mean I get the ideas he’s discussing, but in reality I think it’s more that it’s forgetting the fact that we all start somewhere. That it isn’t an instant rise to everything we want, but it’s certainly possible. Even probable.

Here’s the thing although it’s not framed in the way I would put it, it’s basically the formula for releasing resistance (rather the ideas that would make you give up and make it harder to get published). So I have taken a bit of value from his story. I’ve seen things differently. But, weirdly it’s not so different from what I see and believe. Just in a very round about way.

His second point though is super solid advice. Being human means your interested in many things and that writing doesn’t have to be this innate thing that you live and breath and nothing else matters. It’s important to balance out your life and figure out what you want and how you work.

Also making things manageable in pieces is really important. Small goals are better then just having that big picture in your mind. It’s about the journey not just the end goal. Which is just the truth of big projects.

Favorite thing he said though is that writing books is like telepathy. Cause thinking about it it’s so true.

What you can do today is a wonderful mentality to have.

Side note macaw was adorable. He can use the force and it’s amazing!

6 pm: YALL Stay Home Smackdown

Just the opening was the best. So funny. I love whiplash. God this was the best. This ending has been glorious and light and funny and the best ever. I love everyone on the panel. It’s amazing. I love y’all west. It’s been wonderful.

Look at all these beauties.

Also highlight from Author Cribes:

God this was so funny. I loved it.

Then the pet roast with all the wonderful pets:

This cat is 90 in human years. Such an amazing one.

Then there was Masterpiece Emoji. Which was also so much fun to watch!

Then of course the ending dance party:

I can’t say how much fun I had today or how much this event and being able to finally participate has felt for me. It’s been absolutely incredible. I’m filled with so much love for this community. It’s been such a blissful day. Being an author is everything I want and just to finally be a part of this as a reader… it’s incredible.

I’m so excited for tomorrow!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Focus

My life is not the same as it once was, but neither is it the same for anyone else during these times. I had a lapse from myself yesterday and the night before and I’m still learning. I’m still learning to focus on what actually is important.

Right now, there really isn’t anything going on that I can’t handle. There isn’t anything that I haven’t already learned how to deal with and sometimes a lapse in judgement is ok.

My life is going pretty good honestly, all things considered. That’s what I’m going to focus on. All the things that are going well. I have so much to look forward to. So much to enjoy about life in this moment.

I have everything I need to create a life I can be proud to say that I have lived. I have everything I need to do something wonderful with my life. So that’s what I’m going to focus on. Being my best self and creating a life I can be proud of.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

A Christmas Gift

That Christmas teddy bear

Underneath the tree

A special soft something

That Santa left for me

When the world felt cold and broken

I’d hug that teddy bear

Feel that soft sweet something

That made everything feel fair

A kindness from the red suit

The white bearded Santa Claus

A simple brown little teddy

Gave me a hope that it all would end

Mommy would say she loved me

Behind a genuine smile

And my dad would be there to kiss me

And sing me a lullaby

Ohh Santa I am so grateful

For the gift you gave to me

To see past the truth I’m seeing

To hope for new reality

At night I’ll sing a Noelle carol

And hold my teddy tight

And tomorrow will be better

By the end of my lullaby

A note: As a child, I always had stuffed animals. I never slept without them. I never thought about anything bad while holding one and they helped me to feel safe. I know that this poem is sad, but it is in essence a hopeful one. Those bad situations come to an end and there is always hope for bright spots in the future. Christmas to me is about hope and from that this poem was born.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

Till next time!

I Am Excited!!!

I’m in a different place in my life. I’ve had posts before where I felt this excitement in bursts. Posts where I was feeling happy and I was just grateful to have felt that way after so much hurt. I’ve talked about feeling so proud of myself, because I did it! I brought my own mind out from the pit hole it was in and re-evaluated everything to the death and prioritized myself and made sure I was ok.

I did that. Yes people were there for me. But, at the end of the day I was so depressed that I couldn’t even register those who were in my corner or not. But, I let myself feel. I let myself get out all that pain that was built inside and I slowly re-started my life and took things day by day and now I’m here. I’m excited! So excited for life and all that life has in store for my future.

The past few weeks have been the most consistent I’ve been in maintaining my joy and allowing and trusting that good things are coming and that they are happening in my life and they have been. Right now I feel like I’m at the cusp of something amazing and life changing in my life. I’ve felt that consistently for a while now. I feel like all of a sudden I’m going to turn around and everything in my life will be completely changed.

To be completely honest, I haven’t felt this way since I first was speaking with and getting to know my ex. Every single moment with him in my life had this feeling of goodness. This feeling that I’m feeling right now. I hope that wherever he is that he feels that too. That he’s happy and feeling good about life and feeling excited for his future. I never felt this sort of excitement on a day to day bases before him and feeling it now with my life in a completely different place is a true and undeniable blessing.

If any of you have ever heard it the song “I wish you well” it’s the sentiment I have. Maybe not all the lyrics exactly, but definitely the I wish you well part. Not just for him, but for everyone! I wish everyone to live their best lives doing things they love and doing it with people they love weather that’s romantically, familially, with friends, or co-workers. I just wish you all so much wellness. Whatever that means to you.

I was hard on myself for so many months. But, through that fire I learned so so much about myself. I’ve grown so much and I feel nothing, but love in my heart. I’m having fun in my life now. I’m taking everyday as an opportunity to learn something new or to do something I always wanted to. Weather that’s playing with makeup or being able to ask for something when I want it or actually buying that sweater I’ve had my eye on. I’m having fun in my life. I’m following whatever brings me the most joy and having fun.

I have some fun plans for the Christmas season and I’m getting into the Christmas mood seemingly way too early. But, for now I’m getting sleepy so I’m going to wrap this stuff up now.

Thank you. Truly thank you! For reading, for commenting, and for being a part of my journey. It means the world to me.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website and Instagram!

“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

I Feel At Peace

I am a person who often has a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams and will often wish those things were in my reality now, but I’m feeling that is something that’s changing in me. Yes, I have my dreams. I have them and I know they will come true in the time they are meant to.

In 2019, I have sat for a very long time in my anxiety. In a way where I learned more and more where it came from and why I felt that way. For me, it stemmed from never having anything truly solid to hold on to for over 18 years. I didn’t know where I was going to be at any given moment. I didn’t feel safe having friends. I didn’t feel like anything I had would remain.

You take that feeling and you enter a new stage of life where it’s now about working and making your own way and being responsible in a way that has consequences that affect so many others and also dealing with seeing someone you love rapidly aging from illness in front of you causes a very real chaos in your emotions. Yet I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My dad has cancer and that’s not going away.

I’ve already experienced falling apart over everything. Back in November I experienced one of the lowest points in my life if not, the lowest point in my life and the emotions made me physically sick. I had an aftermath of months of feeling heavily depressed and very anxious and I did what I needed to to heal that in myself.

I am no longer holding on to all of that. I’m trusting that my future is going to be ok. That I’m going to be ok, because if I can get myself together after feeling that much pain I can get through anything. In my life right now I’m going after what makes me feel good. I’m making myself a priority. I’m caring for my body and eating healthier foods. I’m continuously letting go of the past and thanking it for the lessons it’s taught me. I’m moving into a time in my life where I’m accepting only the best for myself.

I haven’t felt this peaceful with where I am in life in probably my entire life. I’m becoming a better version of myself in every part of my life. I think that even though I haven’t been productive in terms of career and writing I’ve found something even more important in really focusing on myself which has been my self-worth and peace of mind.

I’ve stopped blaming myself for things in general. I’ve stopped beating myself up and instead have been more focused on being my own best friend. I’ve found that I’ve actually been pretty positive about everything this whole time, because I always felt like my sadness was temporary and it was. Anytime I feel sad now is temporary and there is always happiness to be had up ahead. I feel good. Not just a temporary I feel good a lasting I feel good. That’s something special. I guess it’s like Endgame.. no matter how crappy you feel you have to keep moving forward and living your life and never giving up on the fight. Because even if there’s the smallest spark of something living to fight for the fight is worth it.

To everyone reading, I send you all the peace and love in my heart. I truly wish you all well in life. I wish all of you success and happiness. Even to people who aren’t reading this, people who have touched my life in any way at all. I wish all of you peace. I wish you all the deepest happiness you can find within yourselves. I wish you all experience great joy.

I am not nor will I ever be jaded by life. It’s hard enough fighting everyone else when the biggest fight you’ll ever have is at times the one with yourself. I’m tired of resisting my own life’s path. What’s meant for my life will come.

Thanks to all of you for reading! This was a bit of journalistic sort of thought process post for me. I hope you all enjoyed it!

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Till next time!

The Flow of Insight

When the sand falls away slipping through open fingers simply flip the scale and the sands start anew racing towards a destiny in the reverse direction.

Be like the child for the child doesn’t have care for what was or what is they take joy in their confusion and delight in each morsel of knowledge that comes their way.

Be like the mother who loves and does not count the child’s mishaps for in her eyes she sees only the love and in that purity nothing else matters.

Be like the air that flows and sustains life, it transforms endlessly and does not fear the change as it comes.

Be like the heart that loves without eyes for it knows the truth of where it’s home lies.

Do what you will in life, for life lives for itself and then it dies. No one knows the truth of death, but the truth of life is nothing and everything matters so be at peace and follow the call of your own beating pulse.

One sees the sun and one sees a star both are right. Peace is when they accept the understanding of another’s perception.

Trying to be perfect is like trying to alchemize gold from dirt, physically impossible and yet the magic of it calls the truest hearts. To let go of perfection is to free the spirt and only then will the best of you shine unencumbered.

The world stops turning for no one. It’s peaceful in its round face. Peace is being unaffected by chaos. Staying grounded in spite of the earths shakes.

Thanks for reading! This is a short bit of poetry. I was thinking of things that help me feel more at peace with myself and what is and this is what came out. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

Life is Beautiful

I’ve talked about my life a lot on the blog. I’ve talked about some of my deepest struggles and some of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve talked about my relationship with mental illness and my bouts of depression and anxiety as well as feelings of things just going horribly and unchangeably wrong at various points of my life.

It took me many a break from blogging and from productivity in general to pull myself free from negative thinking and negative cycles. Because no after how many things go wrong in life its how you deal with it that matters and for a while I couldn’t see past my own pain and grief to see all the good that life has to offer.

Life is all about perspective. Sometimes there is value in letting yourself feel hurt, but becoming the hurt and the guilt doesn’t serve you or anyone else. One of the things I’ve worked deeply on in myself is not feeling like a victim. Letting go of the idea that anyone else’s actions have anything to do with me and accepting my situation for what it is so that i can make the best of it.

One thing I despise is pity or being in a state where everything feels like it sucks. I was once in a point of my life where that’s all I could see. The awful line up of events in my life that came up one after the other, but I’ve given up my power to them for way too long.

Life is beautiful. I am not defined by the things that caused me pain. Especially not the pain that was self-inflicted by my own mind. Which, truly was the biggest part of it. I am not someone who will ever choose to stay stuck. I might need to simmer in my sadness for a while, but I always come out of it. Without exception.

I am making my happiness my main priority. My marvel posts and posts like this one are a big part of that. I take care of myself with so much more care then I once did and I value myself so much more as well. For once in a very long time I feel whole.

You can choose to dance with the darkness in yourself or become one with it. I choose to dance with it. To understand it and to remind it of all the light the world has to offer. This world is so beautiful. Full of creatures that live their lives to the fullest. Full of nature and music. Full of reasons to laugh and be joyful. Full of reasons to dance.

That is what I am choosing to focus on. Enjoying friendships. Enjoying the ability to try new things. Enjoying a new found sense of peace. I get to create the story of what is to be my life and I want to make it a good one, not only that, but a happy one and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make it so i go out of this life with a smile. Because life truly is beautiful and there is so much to be grateful for.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!