“Starting Over”: Life is What you Create it to Be

This post is going to be a long one, so buckle up! I have a lot to say and I think this will be helpful for a lot of people to hear so here goes nothing.

Currently, in my life I’m not in a bad place. My mental health is pretty good. I feel pretty strong in mind and body and I’ve been deeply working on being positive and doing things that create more happiness in my life.

But, I’m feeling like I’m hitting a wall in my life and I know I need to make some changes and start fresh. One of the main things is my job. I need a different working environment. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I know what needs to be done and how to get it all done well, but it’s a dead end job. I’m not going to grow. I’m not going to get anywhere with it and I need to move on. So, what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks is getting a new job. Something that brings better income and possible a chance to grow.

Next was something I did today; which was resetting my duolingo progress completely and re-dedicating myself to learning Spanish and making progress in the areas of my life I’ve always wanted to make progress on. It’s mostly a symbolic thing. I want to restart in every aspect and accept for once that I am a beginner in life. I’m only 20. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to be a crazy success just upon starting my life. I’m not at the part where I’m making tons of money and own a house where I live with someone I deeply love and care for yet. That’s ok. Sometimes I want to rush into things and make things the best they can be right away and it sabotages things. It’s ok to be a beginner.

Which is a good introduction into something I’ve had the biggest urge to be open about which is the aftermath of my first relationship. I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time because I wanted to discuss it in a positive way where it doesn’t trigger me to cry about it. Because, I wouldn’t be in this place in my life if I didn’t have that relationship.

Over the months since me and my person last spoke I went through a huge period of inner work that felt like mourning a literal death. It was probably one of the most difficult experiences of my life and it taught me more about myself then any other experience of my life. This person is someone I will always love. I will always have a place in my heart for them. I will always wish them all the happiness in the world. Accepting those facts were actually oddly difficult. Because in my head I convinced myself of a lot of things and one of those things is that I’d probably never hear from this person again and loving someone that needs to cut you out of their life is soul-crushing.

I didn’t understand then why. It went through my head more times then I could count and I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t want to force this person to give me closure when he needed silence and space. This of course made my overthinking mind analyze the situation to the max and it became something toxic for me to think about. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I felt so guilty.

I had never before experienced such a deep and wonderful connection with someone and I felt like I messed it all up. I felt like I hurt him and that his need for no contact was evidence of me being a toxic person in his life. It really really sucked for me to think that way. Especially when all I wanted at the core concerning him was to be a part of his life so I could cheer him on and be a part of his successes and to lift him up when he was down. I felt like I was the one who turned the connection sour because I was in a state of doubt.

Honestly, with what was going on in my life I understand why I felt that way. Accepting that I acted out from my emotions and what I knew best at the time was a big step in the right direction for me, because it helped me no longer beat myself up about the circumstances, because I was trying to honor my families wishes and his at the same time and I put myself in a corner and the anxiety was suffocating.

So I really can’t blame him for distancing himself from me regardless of how he or I felt at the time. Things felt like they were crumbling apart very quickly and he needed out and it took me a long time to fully understand and accept it.

However, I am human and my feeling were and are very real concerning him so it hurt and it hurt a lot. It still hurts. Just the other day I randomly was scrolling on Pinterest and saw an ad for a product from his families business and the tears started to flow. Then, I looked at the website for the first time in months and saw how much they were growing and I felt so much pride it blew me away. I thought after a certain period that maybe the feelings would fade and they haven’t. Not even a little bit. It made me so happy to see that at least his families business is growing and doing well and that at least in that aspect of his life he’s doing well.

Maybe I won’t get to see it happen, but I know I will always be in his corner wishing him well and that all his dreams come true. I know I didn’t handle our relationship in the best way. I know that I depended on him a lot because he brought me a lot of joy when I was struggling with a very difficult situation. I wanted things to work out perfectly and they didn’t and I know I should’ve let things happen naturally instead of worrying so much and that for me was my biggest downfall in the relationship.

Then afterwards I chased for answers and was met with nothing and it’s the only thing that I’m actually ok with. Because, if I didn’t reach out as much as I did I think I would have lost my mind. I needed him to know that I cared. I needed him to know that I was trying my best to be ok with his choice. I also needed him to know that it wasn’t the choice I would have made, but I was trying to accept it. Then when I convinced myself that we really could make it work I wanted to let him know that that door was open. All of that taught me a lot about my own humanness. Especially when I was continuously driven simply by how much I missed him.

When I read “You asked for Perfect” I wanted to share it with him so badly because he would love that book and appreciate it so much more then I did. There are some new songs that I’ve listened too that I know he’d love and would put a smile on his face and instantly I’d want to share them with him. Those times have been the hardest. Because I miss him most deeply as a friend. Yes, the idea of kissing him and being with him romantically is appealing to me, but at the end of the day, I miss him as a friend. He got me like no one else I’ve ever known has. I know that in person we’d be able to talk so smoothly and effortlessly there would be no room for awkwardness. One of his first date suggestions for when we finally got to meet each other was Barnes & Nobel and that sounded like the best thing ever.

There was never a thing about him that I didn’t like and it was part of why I was in a deep depression when he stopped all contact with me. It sucked. It sucked for a long time. I was surprised with how deeply it hurt me at times, but eventually I learned to be kind with myself over it. Because we knew each other a short time, but the love felt was deep and it was the foundation of something that could have potentially truly lasted. In my heart it has lasted without him in my life. It hurts less and less, but the love remains unchanged and I will never deny that.

But, I have truly accepted that he’s taken a different direction in his life. I’ve accepted that it’ll be up to him weather we ever talk again period. I try to think that one day we will at least talk again. That’s a door that will always be open to him should he want it. That truly loving someone means letting them be. So, for the foreseeable future this will be the last I talk about this on the blog. I don’t say forever because I honestly have no way of knowing that and maybe there might be something to be learned from all of it in the future. But, for now I’m just getting a lot of this off of my chest.

Saying all this allows me to reset and be grateful to someone who has had a major impact on my life and even if it was painful at the end it’s what I needed to learn my true strengths.

Since knowing him I have completely reworked my entire way of thinking in such a positive way. I am really kind to myself. I am so much more patient about life in general. The best way for me to accept things has been the mentality of what’s meant to be will be and that’s also helped me to be positive in knowing not only that if he has a role to play in my future he will be there, but also that if he doesn’t he won’t and that I will love again.

A lot of this might sound like I’m heavily romanticizing the connection we had and when we were in the thick of things we both romanticized the connection back then, because it was genuinely a great connection. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to let it be because #1 I don’t believe in pretending like I don’t love someone when I do and #2 My loyalty naturally is through the roof and #3 I believe in second chances and working things out instead of giving up. A big thing afterwards was me trying to figure out how to make things work. I talked with my mom, even convinced her to back down on certain things. I thought up a bunch of scenarios to try and think if I could do something to have things work and they just didn’t work.

After all that, I turned heavily inward. I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself and decided that I was going to be happy no matter the circumstances. That’s a daunting task in general. Getting your depressed and anxious filled brain to cheer up and remain positive no matter what. But it worked. It’s working.

I’m human so I still get sad sometimes. I still get down on myself sometimes, but I am the sole person responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about what hurts me. Especially when it comes to things that my family say to me in arguments. I’ve learned to let the full force of a majority of those things run off my mind like water. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being negative towards myself and how to raise myself up instead and turn things around.

Even at work I’m so much better at not being anxious when things are busy. I’m so much more clearheaded and calm as an individual now. Partially, that’s thanks to the many times I’ve just lain on the floor of my bathroom meditating and talking to God and giving up all my worries to him. That’s been huge for me. Talking to God and saying this is how I’m feeling. This is what’s stressing me out right now can you please help me with it. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for how much better things have been recently.

It’s why I’ve gotten to a point where I’m very proud with myself. I’m steadily creating the life I want to live and choosing to be the best that I can be and yes the progress is slow, but I’m making it! I’ve been so much more at peace with being where I’m at and letting things move forward in a positive way. A lot of the people in my life that I had issues with are no longer in my life. A lot of new people have come in and became very good friends to me. I have a network of support and I am allowing the opportunities that are meant for me to come my way and to let be what isn’t meant for me.

I could choose to still be sad about my past and my current circumstances, but that’s not the story I want to tell for my life. I want to be a person that gets back up every time they are knocked down. Someone who holds no grudges and moves forward in peace no matter the situation. Someone who sees the light even if that light is temporarily dim.

No matter how low in life you get you can choose to climb mountains. You can let it consume you or you can get up as soon as your able. Rest too is often necessary and it’s not something that you should beat yourself up about.

There are no rules in life. Not really. You can believe whatever you want to believe. You can choose to change those beliefs whenever you want. You are not defined by who you were yesterday and if you want to change you can! Other people might see you as who you once were, but truly how other people see you doesn’t matter anyway. Following what makes you happy is the most important thing you could do for yourself. There is no reason at all to be miserable in life. We live too short of lives to remain in a labyrinth of misery.

Today and everyday I choose to start over in life whenever I need to. Starting over with new ideas and moving forward in a positive way in life in general.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.

Thanks you all for reading! Truly thank you all for being a part of my life. You’ve all made an impact on my life and I wouldn’t be here without all of you. I hope this post has helped any of you in some way.

-Till next time!

I Feel At Peace

I am a person who often has a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams and will often wish those things were in my reality now, but I’m feeling that is something that’s changing in me. Yes, I have my dreams. I have them and I know they will come true in the time they are meant to.

In 2019, I have sat for a very long time in my anxiety. In a way where I learned more and more where it came from and why I felt that way. For me, it stemmed from never having anything truly solid to hold on to for over 18 years. I didn’t know where I was going to be at any given moment. I didn’t feel safe having friends. I didn’t feel like anything I had would remain.

You take that feeling and you enter a new stage of life where it’s now about working and making your own way and being responsible in a way that has consequences that affect so many others and also dealing with seeing someone you love rapidly aging from illness in front of you causes a very real chaos in your emotions. Yet I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My dad has cancer and that’s not going away.

I’ve already experienced falling apart over everything. Back in November I experienced one of the lowest points in my life if not, the lowest point in my life and the emotions made me physically sick. I had an aftermath of months of feeling heavily depressed and very anxious and I did what I needed to to heal that in myself.

I am no longer holding on to all of that. I’m trusting that my future is going to be ok. That I’m going to be ok, because if I can get myself together after feeling that much pain I can get through anything. In my life right now I’m going after what makes me feel good. I’m making myself a priority. I’m caring for my body and eating healthier foods. I’m continuously letting go of the past and thanking it for the lessons it’s taught me. I’m moving into a time in my life where I’m accepting only the best for myself.

I haven’t felt this peaceful with where I am in life in probably my entire life. I’m becoming a better version of myself in every part of my life. I think that even though I haven’t been productive in terms of career and writing I’ve found something even more important in really focusing on myself which has been my self-worth and peace of mind.

I’ve stopped blaming myself for things in general. I’ve stopped beating myself up and instead have been more focused on being my own best friend. I’ve found that I’ve actually been pretty positive about everything this whole time, because I always felt like my sadness was temporary and it was. Anytime I feel sad now is temporary and there is always happiness to be had up ahead. I feel good. Not just a temporary I feel good a lasting I feel good. That’s something special. I guess it’s like Endgame.. no matter how crappy you feel you have to keep moving forward and living your life and never giving up on the fight. Because even if there’s the smallest spark of something living to fight for the fight is worth it.

To everyone reading, I send you all the peace and love in my heart. I truly wish you all well in life. I wish all of you success and happiness. Even to people who aren’t reading this, people who have touched my life in any way at all. I wish all of you peace. I wish you all the deepest happiness you can find within yourselves. I wish you all experience great joy.

I am not nor will I ever be jaded by life. It’s hard enough fighting everyone else when the biggest fight you’ll ever have is at times the one with yourself. I’m tired of resisting my own life’s path. What’s meant for my life will come.

Thanks to all of you for reading! This was a bit of journalistic sort of thought process post for me. I hope you all enjoyed it!

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Till next time!

The Flow of Insight

When the sand falls away slipping through open fingers simply flip the scale and the sands start anew racing towards a destiny in the reverse direction.

Be like the child for the child doesn’t have care for what was or what is they take joy in their confusion and delight in each morsel of knowledge that comes their way.

Be like the mother who loves and does not count the child’s mishaps for in her eyes she sees only the love and in that purity nothing else matters.

Be like the air that flows and sustains life, it transforms endlessly and does not fear the change as it comes.

Be like the heart that loves without eyes for it knows the truth of where it’s home lies.

Do what you will in life, for life lives for itself and then it dies. No one knows the truth of death, but the truth of life is nothing and everything matters so be at peace and follow the call of your own beating pulse.

One sees the sun and one sees a star both are right. Peace is when they accept the understanding of another’s perception.

Trying to be perfect is like trying to alchemize gold from dirt, physically impossible and yet the magic of it calls the truest hearts. To let go of perfection is to free the spirt and only then will the best of you shine unencumbered.

The world stops turning for no one. It’s peaceful in its round face. Peace is being unaffected by chaos. Staying grounded in spite of the earths shakes.

Thanks for reading! This is a short bit of poetry. I was thinking of things that help me feel more at peace with myself and what is and this is what came out. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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Check out the Wolfe Creek Candle website!

-Till next time!

Life is Beautiful

I’ve talked about my life a lot on the blog. I’ve talked about some of my deepest struggles and some of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve talked about my relationship with mental illness and my bouts of depression and anxiety as well as feelings of things just going horribly and unchangeably wrong at various points of my life.

It took me many a break from blogging and from productivity in general to pull myself free from negative thinking and negative cycles. Because no after how many things go wrong in life its how you deal with it that matters and for a while I couldn’t see past my own pain and grief to see all the good that life has to offer.

Life is all about perspective. Sometimes there is value in letting yourself feel hurt, but becoming the hurt and the guilt doesn’t serve you or anyone else. One of the things I’ve worked deeply on in myself is not feeling like a victim. Letting go of the idea that anyone else’s actions have anything to do with me and accepting my situation for what it is so that i can make the best of it.

One thing I despise is pity or being in a state where everything feels like it sucks. I was once in a point of my life where that’s all I could see. The awful line up of events in my life that came up one after the other, but I’ve given up my power to them for way too long.

Life is beautiful. I am not defined by the things that caused me pain. Especially not the pain that was self-inflicted by my own mind. Which, truly was the biggest part of it. I am not someone who will ever choose to stay stuck. I might need to simmer in my sadness for a while, but I always come out of it. Without exception.

I am making my happiness my main priority. My marvel posts and posts like this one are a big part of that. I take care of myself with so much more care then I once did and I value myself so much more as well. For once in a very long time I feel whole.

You can choose to dance with the darkness in yourself or become one with it. I choose to dance with it. To understand it and to remind it of all the light the world has to offer. This world is so beautiful. Full of creatures that live their lives to the fullest. Full of nature and music. Full of reasons to laugh and be joyful. Full of reasons to dance.

That is what I am choosing to focus on. Enjoying friendships. Enjoying the ability to try new things. Enjoying a new found sense of peace. I get to create the story of what is to be my life and I want to make it a good one, not only that, but a happy one and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make it so i go out of this life with a smile. Because life truly is beautiful and there is so much to be grateful for.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

My Journey to Healing

Some of you know that I didn’t have the best ending for 2018 and that it effected me to the core. I was at a point where my mental state sucked. I was crying all the time. I was questioning everything. But, most of all I was in a state of deep hurt and sadness.

I could not read for a time. I took every sad thing I saw and absorbed it. I couldn’t even continue to discuss what was going on in my head because it made everything that much worse. I felt lost because I truly didn’t have anyone to really talk to about what I was going through. At the worst of it I contacted a crisis chat because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to turn.

I honestly thought I was going to need some sort of grief therapy at some point. But, that never came to pass. My healing came from turning inside of myself. Of staying authentic to who I was as a person and my beliefs, but also letting go of any thoughts of pain, negative thoughts, and any thoughts that made me feel unworthy of any good thing.

I turned to self care and heavy meditation as well as just letting myself be. Slowly, the days became lighter and lighter. I’d have some fantastic days. I got to a point where the good days became more then the bad things and life started not to feel so heavy anymore.

My Dad is still sick. He has prostate cancer as well as stroke issues. The hardest thing for me has been seeing him deteriorate. Sometimes he gets so angry and then depressed and that’s hard for me to handle sometimes. Sometimes his vision comes and goes and it has nothing to do with his eyes, but where the strokes affected his brain. He doesn’t want surgery and he doesn’t want to go through chemo so he’s just being monitored at this point. But, the good news is that he’s been pretty stable in his condition for a while. He hasn’t gotten any worse.

Personally, my mental health has gotten much better. I just needed time to be in my own head and to feel my own grief. Over time I remembered who I truly am at the core. The things I love to talk about. My interests in learning and movies, music, and comedy. Writing was not in my best interest for that time period, because even though it can be at times cathartic, I can often take on how my characters feel and I needed to let go of anything that could potentially add to my stress and sadness.

I can talk about this all now without feeling the pain. Where thinking about the past no longer brings up the past pain.

I am not one to hide anything. I don’t like being dishonest. I don’t like pretending to be anything I’m not. If I care about you, you’ll know it. If I have something I want to work I’ll try to come up with any sort of solution to make it work and sometimes that doesn’t turn out so well and I come off in a way that wasn’t my original intention. But, I own up to my mistakes. At the end of the day I want to be the best person that I can be.

So, I’m committed to starting my life over anew. I’m not going to hold on to any past pain. I get to choose who I am and what I do moving forward in each moment. I get to choose to be my own person and to enjoy what life has to offer me. I feel much calmer as a person now. I also feel more stable in who I am and how to handle anything new that would come into my life. At this point I feel ready for all the good the future has for me. I have a good relationship with all my coworkers. I am steady in what I want to do with my future. I feel good about my body and how I look. I am coping a lot better with the reality of my dad’s health. Also with the reality of my financial situation. I feel like I have all the tools inside me to create a life for myself that I can be proud of.

There is nothing wrong with having mental health struggles. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love or happiness. Taking as much time as you need to heal is valid. There is nothing wrong with feeling in the dark for a time, but you can’t let yourself become the darkness. You have to let yourself recognize the good in you and what you truly want for yourself and to let yourself have it. There is no glory in depriving yourself of love or happiness.

I’ve needed to rejoin the land of the living and I believe that I already have. A big part of it has been being able to go to the movies on Tuesday’s and seeing films like La Llorona and Endgame (which was amazing by the way). Feeling able to purchase something I like every once in a while. Letting myself joke around and sing and dance again.

Everyone in this life has the choice to make the best of their individual situations. To either live in their hurt or to transform it. Sometimes you need to feel the hurt. To think about things and turn them over and not make any massive moves in life. Sometimes healing means taking a long rest. But, when the time comes you have to let yourself come out of that cave. To move forward. That’s where I am at right now. In a place where I’m tired of suffering. My life is in my own hands. So I’m going to make the best of it.

Thanks for reading! This has been a long time coming. I couldn’t be more grateful for this community. I’ve made some friendships here that I will never forget. Thank you all for being a part of my growth. For being part of my support system. It truly means the world to me.

Avicii: This is my Tribute

On April 20th, 2018, the world one of the biggest names in edm. Personally, I felt like I lost someone whose sound would forever be imprinted on my heart. Avicii was one of those artists that I could hear a brand new song and know it was his work without anyone telling me the artist. In truth, I thought I’d have years and years of future music of his to listen to, but that sadly wasn’t in the cards.

This superstar of an artist gave me songs that lit up my heart and gave me hope. Songs that celebrated life and living out ones greatest dreams and it inspired me to dance in the moment again and again. In my heart Avicii’s light will never die. People like Avicii…people who hide their demons away and give so much of their light for all the world to enjoy are very special people.

I don’t want to taint this post with the details of his death. I’m sure, a year later, the majority of you know what happened. No this post is a celebration. Avicii’s music will continue to inspire joy and dance in my life for the rest of my life.

Losing this powerhouse of a musician, one of the first to be a part of what sparked my love of music in the first place was like losing a friend. Someone who was always with you raising you up. Someone that showed you to turn to the light when the dark felt like too much to handle. That’s who Avicii was and still is in my life.

These are some of my all time favorite Avicii songs:

  • The Days/The Nights: both of these give me a deep feeling of hope for different reasons
  • Hey Brother: a song that gives me a feeling of nostalgia
  • Levels: a song that I will always dance to no matter what
  • Waiting for love: a song I just love to sing along to
  • Wake me up: another one of his supremely hopeful songs
  • SOS- just an overall beautiful song
  • Silhouettes- a song that talks about the brightness of the future and not letting the past ever hold you back. A song of how each and every moment is one that transforms you.
  • Broken Arrows- Another very hopeful and uplifting song that brings a smile on my face
  • Addicted to you- I love the story of this song. Falling in love once more and giving into it after lost love. I think there is something pretty brave about that.
  • Lonely Together- I feel like this song about friends coming together when they are feeling a little lonely and just enjoying life together.

For this tribute I sung ‘The Nights’ to no music. Singing is my way of celebrating and letting go of emotion and I’ve sung along to avicii’s songs countless times. The audio isn’t perfect, it’s kinda muddled and soft, but this is something I’ve wanted to do since the time of his passing.

So here it is:

https://youtu.be/ZKfITN-da9w

To Avicii, you moved the lives of millions. You shared stories of living life to the fullest and making all your dreams come true. You may have gone away into another life, but what you accomplished on this earth will always have a positive impact. Rest well my friend. You are a shining star gone way too soon.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you all enjoyed this post. I meant to have this up on the 20th, but I got the dates all mixed up and I realized I had it wrong. Avicii is a person that has a big place in my heart. Truly someone who has gone way too soon.

Feeling Good!

There was a time in my life where something small could become something heart-wrenching. Where fear ruled and took control. I feel it’s reign ending and the smoke clearing. I feel peace and hope once again knocking on my door. The beginnings of a whole new world are at my doorstep. The pain is being washed away. The anxiety is being washed away. The fear is being cut loose and I am the one standing in its wake a victor. I needed the hurt to rise above it. I needed the rest to be the foundation of my awakening. I feel good. I feel powerful. I am free. What an amazing feeling it is to finally feel good as me. The best is yet to come. There is something good to find in the every moment. I am the master of me. I am the creator of my world. I can’t wait to see what comes next. I can’t wait to show the world the stardust I’m made of. I can’t wait to see what I create. It’s going to be glorious. It’s going to be a life I am proud of. It’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! This is just a little late night poem to share an awesome breakthrough I’ve had. Things can only go up from here. I hope things are going well for all of you reading. Everyone deserves to feel this good.

-Till next time!

A Life Imagined

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

All our dreams melded into one glorious day

We’ll spend our nights dreaming of the home we’d build together

Smiling about the sweet music we’d made during the day

We’d laugh and dance through life together

Saying a thousand words with just one look

I can’t wait for the day you put your hand in mine

I can’t wait for the day I laugh with you

I can’t wait for the day I’d whisper in your ear and see you smile with the knowing that every single day I’d take pleasure in choosing you

Tell then, I have mountains to climb, and oceans to cross

Stars to build across my soul

But every lesson, every tick of the clock, brings me closer to the day I finally get to hold you

So for now find peace and be happy

Do what’s right for you

I’ll be working hard and dancing on my own

Till the time comes for me to create a whole new world when I’m with you

One day we’ll stand face to face at the alter

Surrounded by all of those we love

There will be peace and joy and happiness

A new beginning creating one from the two of us

I know it’ll be years before we get there

But oh how sweet it is to dream

Will you dream along with me?

Thanks for reading! I don’t know why, but at the moment I’m feeling really optimistic about the future. Imagining scenarios for what could be has brought me no small measure of peace. One of my greatest desires for my life has been to be with someone I can share my time on this earth with. I don’t know the when or how of it, but I know one day this all will come to be and that’s something to feel good about.

-Till next time!

3,000 Followers Celebration!!

Every time I reach a major milestone it surprises me. This one is no exception. This one in particular is surprising because my blogging has been super sporadic and in general different. Mostly because I haven’t been reading as much or writing as much due to many different things. I’m working on changing that, but right now I’m a work in progress so I’m taking things one day at a time.

This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I don’t deserve this. Just because as much I’ve wanted to return to blogging and move forward positively something inside always blocks me. But, I’m going to keep trying. Because this blog has brought a lot of good in my life and I have to get back to where things are going well again.

I have so many books to read and movies to talk about and ventures to pursue. I’m tired of feeling stuck. But, I can choose to not be stuck. So that’s what I’m going to choose. So hopefully over the next few days, weeks, and months I’ll feel less like an imposter and more like myself. I have the means to turn things around for myself and so that’s what I’m going to do.

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me. I’m sorry that my blog has been so sporadic lately. I’m going to do my best in the coming days, weeks, and months to bring my blog back to what it once was.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

I’m Still Learning

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past couple of months. I temporarily lost myself in the wake of everything that was going wrong. I reset my mindset again and again and I found new truths and let go of old ones and found hope and lost it and found it again. What went right I didn’t hold on to and anxiety won out.

All of this helped me to see how powerful anxiety can be. It also helped me to see who I really was and what I wanted for myself. Helped me to finally see myself as Tiana the individual and ultimately see that it’s ok to want things for myself. To be selfish. To want to experience love.

To see for the first time the life I want to lead clearly. To see too that it is possible to get there. That there is nothing wrong with dreaming of it. But, to also realize that the only control I have is over myself and my actions and reactions.

I also learned that I can be a bit irrational at times. That fear can make me create situations in my head that are very unlikely to happen even if I believe it at that time. That sort of delusional state is what caused a lot of the problems I encountered in the recent past.

Since realizing this I’ve done my best to resolve the problems that I’ve been encountering. Inwardly and outwardly. One of the best things that has come from this was from a ted talk I found that talked about regret. I forget what it was called but, I saved a quote from it that I will always keep in mind, “If we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or loose them we should feel pain when things go wrong.”

Our regrets and our guilt are not our enemy. It is what tells us what we’ve done that was against who we really are and who we want to be and it teaches us lessons on how to be better as people. I made some majorly stupid decisions that hurt someone I love dearly. But, the regret and the hurt I feel from the aftermath have taught me something of who I am and who I want to be. I’m stubborn. When things go wrong I panic. I want things to work out with all parties involved and I get scared when things go awry to the point that I make things worse because I’m no longer reacting from a rational place. Then upon realizing my mistake I punish myself mentally because I think “how could I have said that? How could I have done that? I’ve ruined everything.”

Because, at the end of the day I’m not a person that gives up on people I care about. I’m the kind of person that stays. I’m the kind of person who will be there for someone even if I hadn’t heard from them for years. I’m not the girl that anxiety creates me to be. I’m not the girl that depression drives me to.

These past few months I had the lowest point in my mental health journey ever and I came out of it. I faced myself and realized that yes I’ve made some bad decisions and yes I’ve caused unnecessary pain, but I’m still learning. I learned the lesson I was meant to learn and I take pride in the fact that I will never make the mistake I made again.

I learned from the pain what it was to really love and not just love another person, but to love myself. Because, even through it all I have myself to keep me stepping forward through every experience life has in store for me.

The weird thing is that while writing this I feel so hopeful. I feel excited about what life has in store for me. I feel for the first time that I’ve truly seen my deepest flaws and accepted them. Accepted myself even though that’s not what this post is about. I’m stubborn and anxious and emotional and impulsive, but all those things come from a place of wanting to be a good person of wanting happiness for myself and those around me and sometimes that means taking an approach that is wrong, but stemming from good intentions and really maybe I’m not so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not that I need to truly change to be the person I wish to be, but to let go of all the negativity towards myself. All that beating myself up. All that misguided self-hatred for feeling like I’m some sort of menace towards the people closest to me. It’s more like I’ve been a temperamental child that took too much on her shoulders and released all the hurt in any way she could trying to keep myself sane and keep everything going right instead of reacting calmly when things went wrong. For the first time, I feel that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. That there never has been. That all the pain I let build inside all that guilt is unfounded. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to continue hurting myself mentally anymore.

I know this post has gone a little off the rails and it’s very existential, but I’ve just had one of the most important realizations of my life. I feel free in a totally new way. I feel like myself in a wholly new way. I feel like I can move forward in my life in the best way possible and take on anything that comes my way because I see who I am wholly and I don’t hate myself anymore, because I did.. I did for a long time, but I can see myself for who I am totally and I can see that I’m just trying to do my best with the cards I’ve been given. Yes, I’ve reacted badly, but I know why I had those freak outs and panic attacks and at the center of it all it was from thinking I could do it all on my own and make things better, but that was not in my control. I see myself now and how badly I want to start over and to just live well and love the people I love and not take life for granted. That I deserve to start over. That I deserve to give myself another chance at dancing through life and going with the flow instead of trying to keep everyone happy. To let myself want. To let myself hit a brand new reset button and fully live life authentically as me and know that no matter what it will be beautiful because I won’t be fighting internally anymore. To finally have forgiven myself for everything. To accept myself with all the pain, anxiety, sadness, and all the good, happiness, and hope and see that I truly love myself. To realize that no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never truly loved myself like I do in this moment. To know that I’m going to love myself in this way for the rest of my life. To know that I’m going to be my best self from today onward and I’m going to grow so much and love so much deeper from finally accepting myself and loving myself truly from now on.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a very huge rollercoaster of a emotional journey recently and I’ve shared it with all of you in the hopes that maybe something I’m going through can help some of you in some way. This post was cathartic and unexpectedly wonderful for me to write. I feel that this was what had been holding me back from living the life I wanted for myself for so long. To know that I’m over it now means that there are infinite possibilities ahead. I’m excited to see where life takes me going forward.

-Till next time!