I had been studying at Hussian College for almost 2 years and I was in their Pharmacy Technician program. During this time my advisors and my professors were always able to be in contact with me. I received a message a week ago about a summer break due to new leadership. Then, later I contacted my advisor and 2 of my professors about it and I only got two replies back. My advisor said he’d been fired and to contact my professors. My other professor said to enjoy my break. Since then I’ve had no replies from anyone anywhere about anything I’ve inquired.
I have called every department on the campuses and it all leads to nothing. On the colleges Facebook it says closed. I’ve been left with nothing. I can’t get transcripts. I wasn’t informed this was going to happen. Upon research the college has had finical troubles in the past and even lawsuits for not releasing student funds back to the students.
All I’m left with is to start alllll over again. I don’t even know how to feel. I was supposed to be done in January. I was supposed to have my internship then move on from my current job which has been a disaster for many years. I feel bound up and at a complete stand still once more.
The shock has somewhat left me and now I feel anger and sadness. My anxiety is so high and all the time I spent, all the early mornings studying, all the hope that I was almost done I just needed to push a little more, a little bit longer, it’s all done. This is the biggest setback I have experienced in a long while. I feel all over the place and my thoughts are scattered and I don’t really know what more to say at this point.
I will leave it here for now and I will update in a new post later on when things have settled and I have a plan going forward. This set me back years in time and I am so overwhelmed.
When I was younger I was obsessed with dragons. They were my favorite mythological creature. I thought they were powerful, majestic, mystical, and misunderstood. I truly believed if you cared for a dragon and gave empathy to them they would befriend and protect you to the very end of your life. I wanted to have a dragon friend so bad I sent a letter to the fake address in the dragonology book I had that claimed to sell dragons.
Dragons were special to me and I spoke of them to my mom constantly. We had a shop nearby us that carried all kinds of Knick Nacs and a lot of them were dragons. My mom would by me one whenever she could and I had a small collection of dragon figures I adored and cared for constantly. One of my favorites held a sword in its hand and stood majestically.
However, because I was adopted by my grandmother and the person I called mom wasn’t my biological mother, but a baby sitter turned parental figure that I would eventually escape to live with permanently when I turned 18, she didn’t have a say in what my grandmother did with my things, even if she’s the one that gave them to me.
One day all of a sudden, some of my things were being sold in a garage sale all of a sudden and others were given to a different child my grandmother favored. I wasn’t told till after the fact. I wasn’t asked for permission. My things as far as my grandmothers concern were hers to do with as she pleased.
It was so awful for me knowing that I was like my things that were objects that she owned. She owned me. I was not her granddaughter. I was her toy. I was an object that she’d tell friends about when I excelled at things and at the same time constantly shame me behind closed doors.
Nothing that was mine was ever mine when it came to my grandmother. It wasn’t something I truly understood until I told my partner one day how much I loved dragons and he kept that info and decided at a later time to buy a dragon puzzle which we built together.
The whole experience of it was a look into our relationship itself. We tried to make it once but didn’t have enough time to finish it so we had a second date where we decided to finish it and we were laughing the whole way through. I have never worked with someone to make something and it feel as easy as it did with him on that date. We were joking and taking our time and we’d follow the video we were watching looking at which piece was next and the other holding the previous parts together. It was such a blast. When I got home with this precious prize I looked at it and I cried. I realized that it was the first dragon figure I’d had in years. I’d built it with someone I love and no one was ever going to take it away from me. It was well and truly mine and it meant the world to me.
In that moment I wondered to myself why I hadn’t bought any dragon Knick Nacs since my grandmother was no longer in my life and all I could think was I still somehow felt anxiety that nothing I owned was mine. That I wasn’t allowed to keep things for myself because it’d eventually be taken from me. With this beautiful dragon puzzle a part of me fully reflected and healed.
Maybe 8 or so months later my sister was dusting and she broke my dragon and some pieces were forever missing and I can’t rebuild it. However, the effect of it has never left me and my partner and I still plan on getting another one one day and building it together this time putting some glue. With the original pieces I want to make either a book mark or an ornament with it in resin one day. For now I have the pieces saved.
Christmas of last year my partner remembered it once more with buying a gorgeous dragon Christmas ornament which I now am setting up way too long after on a stand to be able to display it all year long.
A picture truly does not do it justice. I remember when he gave it to me and I opened up the Styrofoam box it was in and I gasped at how sparkly and beautiful it was. I looked at him in awe. It was so thoughtful and so beautiful and I was so happy my next dragon came from him.
I can’t express enough how amazing it is to be in a relationship that shows you how you can begin to heal yourself. Now three years into our relationship I’ve begun to collect things that I love again. I’ve began to think about my insecurities and to be more secure about relationships with him and with my family and friends and to have them become more healthy and comfortable. Slowly and surely unraveling the negative patterns I have kept from the trauma my grandmother caused me and deciding to move forward in a more joyful way.
I will never get back the dragons that I collected back then, but I can build a new collection of loved things that I can keep or give away by my own choice. Through that I can begin to fuse pieces of me that will finally find peace and love given by myself and for myself. In the future I know I will always strive to be a positive force in peoples lives in a way my grandmother was not and I will be happy in spite all the pain, depression, and anxiety I had grown up with.
In spite of it all I will always be that girl who loves dragons. I am happy I found a knight who lifts me up and supports me in me finding in myself the warrior Princess he always saw in me. Also, helping me to learn to laugh even in the hard times that you cannot control.
I cannot change the events that have past me, but I can move forward with dignity and love for myself and do the best that I can. As for my grandmother she will always have to live with the many many things she did that lead to me never wanting to be in her life again, but I, I will build in my life one where I won’t have any regrets. I will live well and with compassion and love.
I’ve been afraid to do a goals post for a long while. Even if I’ve done them in the past I’ve tended to fail every single one of them in the recent times. However, I don’t know exactly why, but I truly believe in myself for this month of May. I have purpose. I have a drive and I have decided to expect more of myself for once in my life. Not only to expect it of myself, but to accomplish what I’ve set out to do.
To begin I’ve awaken extra early this morning. I set my alarm for 6am and got up at 5:40. It was an initial shock to me that my body got me up before my alarm. However, I feel it’s because I really and truly do want this.
I have curbed my ambition for a very long time, but the time feels like now for me to embrace my ambition and go for everything I’m wanting to accomplish.
This goals post being on the 29th instead of the 30th has a purpose too. I have a very special announcement tomorrow that I hope my fellow readers will very much enjoy.
Beyond that, yes indeed this blog will be a daily one once more. I feel that it is time to break the cycle of wanting this and not following through and that goes for everything that I discuss here.
I will be focusing on my bodily and nutritional health this month. I will limit myself to 1 Popsicle/ice cream/treat at the end of the day. I will do my best to avoid processed foods. I will make myself a nice breakfast every morning. For some reason I always know I can make myself some really tasty eggs and I don’t do it and now I can’t make any excuses. I will have only healthy snacks during the day: vegetables, fruit, or nuts.
I will also be exercising this month. It could be a video exercise or a dance tutorial or if I don’t bring myself to exercise early enough 100 squats and sit-ups before I take a shower. It feels like I should be able to make time during the week in the mornings and then on the weekends do the sit ups and squats.
I will get all my homework done in a timely manner and have it nicely paced throughout the week and in a way where I get 2 to 3 days of no homework per week.
I will be writing a book for at least 1 hour everyday. It doesn’t matter if I do it in 10 minute sprints here and there I need to be writing that long everyday.
I will be reading for at least 30 minutes everyday. Added to that that I must finish what I start I will at least have several books read by the end of this month.
I have finally also purchased the screen protector I can use to draw with for my iPad. So this means I will be drawing everyday and either doing a tutorial drawing everyday or a regular one to practice and get better at using my iPad for drawing.
The book I will be finishing reading this month first will be:
Capturing the devil
I wanted to finish this last month but I froze again and it didn’t happen. I’ve read the beginning parts of it and that’s about it. However, this month will be a completely different story. This month I will read a lot more. If I do it right I should finish at least 6 to 10 books this May.
The game I will be focused on the platinum for this month:
A Plague Tale Requiem
This game is the sequel to Plague Tale: Innocence which was a masterpiece and one of the most amazing platinum experiences that I’ve ever had. I truly love this series and I can’t wait to add Plague Tale Requiem to my platinum trophies list.
Anime series I will finish this month:
Attack on Titan season 3 and 4
During my downtime I will be completing Attack on titan seasons 3 and 4. I’ve been trying to complete the series for a little while, but I’ve fallen into the trap of starting other things. So in May this gets completed.
All in all, this is all that I wish to accomplish this coming month. I have high hopes to do really well. It is all achievable. I want to make myself proud again. My reward for actually completing everything as I want to is the same as last month:
The Monica nendoriod. Since I have completed the Doki Doki platinum last month, I think having her figure will be an awesome little personal trophy to always commemorate one of my favorite games.
I plan for April to be a pretty busy month for me. At this point my plans are to prove to myself if not anyone else that I can do what I’m passionate about and be successful in doing it.
I am very tired of having to just talk about what I want to do and simply not do it. I understand why I keep falling behind and being unable to move forward, but the bad stuff is going to keep happening. For once, I rather be in a good place and let that stuff happen and roll with it, then be in a bad place while it happens.
So here is what I am going to do. I am going to write every morning. First, the blog post of the day. Regardless what time I wake up as long as I get that done I will be starting my day right.
Secondly, I will write 1,000 words towards a novel. If that takes me less then an hour then I will write for the full hour and see how much I end up writing. I’ve been doing research the last couple of days towards writing an old idea that I feel I can take on so much better now then I would have in the past.
Thirdly, when my new term starts I will be doing 1 to 2 hours of homework depending on how many assignments I have. I will do more or less depending on how intensive my classes are.
Fourthly, I will try to get in 30 minutes of reading. I don’t have as much time to read as I used to, but I want to at least get in some time for it here and there when I can manage it.
After all that if I manage to have time I’ll do a dance workout. I’ve been wanting to learn BTS and Twice dances and that’ll be a fun way to allow myself to have extra fun.
Then, if I have time before work, I wanna try and do my makeup more again. I’ve been neglecting it out of pure sadness and apathy. I want to start doing that again.
If I can do all that everyday for the month of April then I will reward myself. I have started collecting nendoriods. If the nendo Monika from Doki Doki Literature Club is still available then I’ll love to get her.
I think she is just adorable and I already preordered Natsuki whose coming in October. I truly hope they eventually make the other two girls as Nendos. I would be so happy.
If I can manage all of that and be able to do a full wrap up at the end of the month and feel accomplished instead of defeated, I will be very proud and so happy.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
This blog fills me with unbridled hope and a desire to be the person I once was. Through this back and forth of starting and failing and starting and failing again and again and again I realized that my stress response is to freeze because there feels like nothing else I can do. I have learned that understanding this feeling and responding to it kindly allows me to get back up and try again.
Through this I understand too I can never be the person I once was. I have evolved. I have lived more life. I have discovered new things to love and new ways I wish for things to be. I have loved deeply and I have lost deeply. I have tried. That’s an important bit, I have tried. I have a great desire for peace in my life and peace in my relationships. Things that have worked. Things that have failed miserably and made me miserable.
My mental health is a constant battle because I face the same core things everyday and even if I know they will someday change right now it’s hard to face it all every day. However, I do do it. I do try. Ultimately through it all I am drawn back here.
So once again I’m going to get back up and try again. I will not pressure myself as far as what I post about. What makes me happy to speak on at any given time is what’s right for me to speak on in that moment.
Right now my focus is on what brings me great joy. Whether that be a game, a anime, a tv show, or a book that is what I want most to give my attention to. So over the next few days expect some fun posts about things that make me happy and that I’m very proud of.
To keep this up I’m going to promise myself to get up at 7 every day. I will do my best to avoid unproductive arguments as much as possible. I will do my best to express myself in a way that I feel good about it. To roll with the storms and allow myself to have as much internal peace as possible.
Life can try to bring me down as much as it wants, but I’m going to do my best to thrive within it. To connect and discover more joy. To not overwhelm myself and flow with what comes and do what needs to be done when I need to. I will take things step by step and start to excel instead of struggle.
Through all of this I will just keep becoming a better and better more well-rounded person who values herself and her joy and promotes that in others too. In life that’s all I really want to strive for.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
I have a lot of problems with getting myself to do what I’m aching to do. It has effected a lot of my life and because my life has been so messy all the time recently I feel like I might as well surrender to the mess and go with the chaos and just do what I want.
So my plan is simple. Decide what I want to do and do it. First things first. The reason I haven’t posted since the last post was I got scammed twice, lost myself to depression, and found comfort in my many conversations with my partner after. To put it colorfully I fucked up. The anxiety kept me from school work and because it was my last week of the term I became a hermit and could only do school work for a time.
The great part is this. I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of so much outside bullshit happening and I’m ready to actually just focus and take the world by storm. My world.
I’m not here to convince anyone to be, do, or think a certain way. I’m here to share myself and my ideas and learn and create and become more and different all the time. On my journey, I share what I feel should be shared in order to give something to others to connect with and feel inspired from on their own journeys.
I’m here to have fun and share fun and to mess up and to do really really well and to love and jump and dance and decide and I am finally ready to live. To live for me. To live and just give my damn soul to my desires. To feel vigorously and beautifully alive.
So firstly I am going to do one of the most fun and incredible things by finally writing my Scooby doo fanfic. I have wanted to do this for so long. I have loved Scooby Doo since I was a child. One of my favorite pictures in the world is one of me in the mystery machine that happened to be serviced at an auto repair place. My heart lit up to be there.
I want to write a mystery for our beloved Mystery Inc. friends to solve. Maybe make it a little darker then our friends tend to experience, but still at the heart Scooby Dooby Doo. Once it’s finished I’ll either publish it on wattpad or figure out another place to publish it, but regardless this is something I would like you all to experience and read.
This also means watching some of the movies and tv shows of Scooby for research and seeing at the heart what makes Scooby so great and how I can make a story that unique yet still holds that Scooby Doo specialness at the center.
Believing in myself to write this passion project will be the first time in a long time I’ve allowed myself to honor myself and let go of doubt. Doubt does nothing to serve me. It’s crippled me. It’s made me think I’m a failure. It’s driven me to inaction again and again and I say enough. It’s enough.
I am here. I am going to read and write and play games and write whatever posts I damn well please on this blog. I will do it everyday that I can.
Another thing that sets my heart on fire is learning some dances because it pleases me. So I will do that as well. Maybe, I’ll post video on here at some point. Maybe I’ll keep it to myself. Either way I’m going to have fun.
Also, exploring makeup more. I wear makeup most days and I love to experiment, but there’s never too much of that and I think when I’m more confident I’ll share some looks on instagram and see what comes of it.
The last thing that’s important to me to mention is continuing my best thing that happened in a day journal going. Even on days that are extremely depressing. I want to remember that there is good in every day.
I realize now with the fact I haven’t given up. In spite of everything. That I’m here typing this right now at almost 3 am. That that’s how done I am with inaction. As well as the complete joy I feel writing this. Now I can truly say I am back and here to stay. So much to come. I am ready now.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
There’s something about the beginning of the month that makes me feel like I can start over. That I can decide to focus on making my life the way I want it to be. That past two years or so that feeling has been few and far in between. I’ve been doing my best behind the scenes for a long time. Quietly rebuilding and focusing on my mental health. I feel for the first time in a long time that I have the tools in me to reestablish myself and rebuild this blog into what it’ll become from now on.
I have been irreversibly changed in the past few years. Lost and found myself multiple times. Dealt with some of the most harrowing and painful things I’ve had to deal with in my life. Through it all, I’ve quietly focused and rebuilt on my joy and my ability to rest and recover. During the past few years I did not have the bandwidth to give of myself much more then I was giving to my work, family, and friends. I understand that now. I am not upset anymore that I wasn’t able to return here during that time. A lot of it had to do with my relationship with my anxieties and my fear.
Even now, I know that eventually one of the saddest moments of my life is coming. However, I cannot keep myself from doing the things I love to do in the meantime and after that point. My time away from blogging has been valuable. I am not the same girl I was when I started the book raven. I have grown. I have established a very loving and understanding partnership with a person who has been unconditionally supportive of me and my dreams and I to them. I have picked up the pieces over and over again dealing with the reality of my dads terminal illness. I have allowed myself to give myself the space I needed to breath and to rediscover and rebuild myself from a point in my life where I felt so lost.
I am now focused on moving forward. On creating. On balancing the hardships of life with the precious joyous moments I can cherish. In this moment I can feel it in my heart that this is the best way forward. To balance living, work, and doing things that impassion me. Only a week ago I had started to dance to music again. To feel that blissful freedom of movement.
I am a woman who has been remade and renewed. It is time for me to once again shine in the new ways that I desire to. I am planning so much to share with you all. In writing, in books, in the world of video games. I am ready. I hope you all are ready to join me. It’s going to be a whole new world.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
A long time ago now, when I first started blogging, I used to blog practically everyday. I read like my life depended on it and I never let myself miss days. Then life happened and I stopped for a while and I’d restart over and over and over again and it’d be ok for a while, but it wouldn’t last. I haven’t gotten myself to make it stick.
In the meantime I’ve gotten myself so far behind as far as books to read and review and posts to create that a lot of the time it feels impossible when I try to come back.
In March in particular, I started college again. I am study to be a pharmacy technician and eventually to become a full pharmacist. I need a better job and the ability to increase my income for my family. Along with the heavy class workload im still working as many hours as I was before and honestly, I’ve just felt myself get exhausted and all I’ll want to do is watch a movie or YouTube or play Fortnite with my friends at the end of the day.
I’ve gotten pretty overwhelmed with life. I want to read and write and blog too, but I can’t seem to get into the mind frame I need to continue and it breaks my heart.
However, last night, I had a particularly awful night and my dad has deteriorated further and it causes him to yell and be angry a lot of the time. I’d just finished watching ‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ which had already put me into a weird mindset and then I helped my sister put my dog into her harness and she bit me (it was my fault not the dogs). I felt this odd sense of going through motions and feeling the solid ground of life crumbling beneath me.
At this point I’d started to cry and I’d texted my partner all that had happened. Then, they started talking to me about this story they’d come up with a long time ago. It was about a hero who felt burdened by his power. His power that was so unique and special yet so fragile. A power that temporarily relieved ailments in a marble and the bigger the ailment the more fragile the marble. As I asked them for more details about it I felt myself calm down. Then, I’d said “You know I need a bit of that right now.” And they told me that my situation is what inspired this in the first place.
I was floored. I felt seen and loved and stunned when they told me that they’d come up with it a few months into us dating and hadn’t told me about it till now. It made me appreciate them for the person they were. It also made me want to write again. It reminded me of that feeling of discovering how a story is created bit by bit. It also made me feel that my partner is and always has been perfect for me.
My life has been in a lot of turmoil the past couple of years. I’ve had Abdiel by my side for over 2 years and they’ve given me a peace and a hope during all the crap I’ve been given for all of that time.
When I talk to them I realize that I can focus so heavily on the pain that sometimes I miss the joy that is standing right there in front of me. Abdiel who thought up a character that’d give me a short bit of relief from the life I live. That would give me a moment of joy. That is one of the purest forms of love I’ve ever felt in my life.
I want to blog again. I want to write stories again. To give others that feeling my partner gave to me in such a beautiful way. Things in life have been messy and it’s not really going to get any better. However, I can chose to give myself time for my passion and to give myself and others that temporary relief in life, because sometimes that’s all we’re really needing and searching for.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
I have thought about what I wanted to do for this year for a good long time. I gave myself December to relax and feel good and prepare myself for 2022. I want to do a lot this year. In a very focused and determined way. I’m so excited.
The first thing I wanted to focus on was going back to school and become a pharmacy tech to make enough money to better support my family. At the same time after doing that working towards being a pharmacist.
In writing I wanted to focus on writing four first drafts this year. So one draft every three months. Starting with a pseudo paranormal horror that I’ve had in my brain forever. Which also means I’ll be watching some fun paranormal horror movies over the coming months to immerse myself in that mindset.
Also in writing I wanted to see if I could write a poetry book and self publish it. As of right now I’m not sure what theme it will have, but I’ll figure it out soon enough.
The last thing in writing I wanted to blog post every day. Which I feel like will actually happen this year because I’m going to have a monthly gift to myself for accomplishing my goals for each individual month.
As for reading I would like to start reading much more often and I hope to complete reading at least 50 books in 2022. To help with this I’m doing a monthly book exchange with a friend sharing our favorite books. For January I’m lending her Starfish and I can’t wait to hear what she thinks. Other then the book she’ll lend me, I will also be reading The Assignment by Liza Wiemer, Replica by Lauren Oliver, and Jack Kerouac is Dead to me by Gae Polisner. As well as two DC comics I was behind reviewing.
My other goal is exercise and it has my favorite prize attached to it if I keep it up all the way into September which is this super awesome Harley Quinn “Kill the Justice League” cosplay that I will buy and feel like a badass in should I keep my fitness goals throughout the year.
For January if I keep my goals I want to get myself this custom Red Riot Sweater. Something that I know I’ll never want to take off and that I’ll feel like I can do anything in. Which will be the perfect thing to wear over the year I want to do so much in.
This year will be about staying positive and motivated and progressing forward and embracing my life. I know that life happens and it can get difficult but I’m so ready to take on this year and do the best I possibly can.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! Let me know what your goals are for 2022!
The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.
Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.
However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.
The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.
All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.
The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.
So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.
But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.
So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
The Book Raven 