Thanksgiving Gratitude Post

This year Thanksgiving feels different to me. I used to not care for it so much because I wasn’t always where I wanted to be for the holiday and it would always be awkward and with food I never cared for. This year. This year I realize I am where I want to be.

I’m at a time in my life where I’m excited. Excited about the future. Excited about all the amazing things that have seem to start pouring into my life lately. I’ve been feeling good far more often and my perception on life has changed immensely.

Also, the food this year was great! I enjoyed all of it and that’s the first time I’ve ever felt that. I find that a lot of traditional thanksgiving food is just not for me.

On another note, I feel deeply that I’m on the precipice of something big in my life changing. Something beautiful and happy. It’s been so strong in my mind for the past couple of months and with each passing day I feel it stronger still.

Maybe it’s not even one thing in my life that I feel is on the edge of changing. I once again feel so deeply myself more and more and I’m following my joy. This has lead me to writing again. It’s lead me to trying out makeup for the fun of it. It’s lead me to taking better care of my body and feeling good about what I wear and my body in general. It’s lead me to rest free on days I feel compelled to without judgement. I feel free and knowing that I did that for myself is so mind blowing and wonderful to me.

I know what it’s like to go through a deep depression. I know what thought spiraling yourself into a hole feels like. To have loved myself enough to free myself of that and feel fucking amazing every day is incredible. I’m so proud of the woman I have become. Someone who honors herself. Someone who cares about herself enough to let go of thoughts that bring her sadness and to start focusing on all the good that life has to offer. I did that. I’m not in the trenches fighting a war with my own mind anymore. I’m happy. If that’s not something to be grateful for then I don’t know what is.

Then, there’s the basic things I’m grateful for. Great music to dance to. That video of any animal on my feed. A great book to read. Seeing people happy and laughing with one another. Seeing random acts of kindness. Doing something that brings someone else a moment of joy. Having a place to sleep, eat, and shower at. Having a job. The coffee I’m drinking now at 12:24 am even though it is probably way too late for coffee. Having a tooth brush and toilet paper. Having the phone I’m typing on right now.

I’m in a place in my life of extreme gratitude. 2019 for me has been a year of learning and becoming the kind of woman I always wanted to be. It’s been a year of overcoming and going from barely just existing for a while to truly thriving. But most of all from living in fear to taking that fear and blowing it up in flames and replacing it all with things to be joyous about. Going from worrying about if I even deserve happiness to knowing I deserve the best of all that is. So much so that I am fully responsible for my own joy and happiness regardless of what is happening in my life.

I have transformed this year. If nothing else that’s the best gift I’ve ever given to myself.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! What are you grateful for?

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30 Days of Gratitude

These past 30 days I chose to do a gratitude challenge to remind myself of all the incredible things in life there is to be grateful for.

30 days of gratitude challenge: https://pin.it/juwrhlffx7knol

September 18th, 2019

Day 1: What are you most grateful for today?

Today, I’m most grateful for how far I’ve come. My mind is clear. My heart is clear. I am satisfied with who I am. I’ve made full peace with past mistakes. I’ve made peace with all of my past. I’m focusing on a better future. I’m always doing things that I love to do and I’m practicing being happy and fully myself all of the time. I’m keeping my commitments and I’m the strongest mentally and physically that I’ve ever been. So, I guess I’m most grateful for myself. Because I never gave up on myself and I stayed as positive as possible even when it was only to say that it’s ok to feel bad at a point and that I wasn’t always going to feel that way. So I’m proud of myself.

September 19th, 2019

Day 2: What Technology are you most grateful for?

My phone is probably the most important piece of technology that I’m grateful for. Because it’s what I use most for everything. Music, Reading, writing, gaming, video watching, socializing. Everything’s on my phone. Pictures of memories. My financial applications. I used to do online college from my phone. So it is the technology I am most grateful for.

September 20th, 2019

Day 3: What food are you most grateful for?

I love a good tamale or pupusa. But, I think I’m most grateful for Del tacos bean and cheese burritos. They’ve been a go to non-expensive food item that have kept me fed many many times since I was little. That and McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which are also a childhood favorite.

September 21st, 2019

Day 4: What memory in life are you most grateful for?

I’ll never forget the moment as a little girl coming home from flying on my own and running into my dad’s arms after thinking I’d never see him or the rest of my family again. He hugged me so tight it hurt, but I will never forget that hug. It reminds me that no matter what I will always love my family.

September 22nd, 2019

Day 5: What item in your home are you most grateful for?

I’m picking a mundane item for this because that is how I want to interpret this question. So the mundane item in my home I am most grateful for is the family coffee pot. Really recently, my mom finally purchased a coffee pot and since then I’m always drinking coffee. Recently, we’ve had pumpkin spice as well as red velvet flavored coffee that has been delicious. So I’m really grateful to have the coffee pot.

September 23rd, 2019

Day 6: What in nature are you most grateful for?

Literally all the animals! Animals are a gift to us all. They are so human and every single one of them is a unique blessing. I adore them.

September 24th, 2019

Day 7: What book are you most grateful for?

This is a very difficult question. I am grateful for so many books. I guess I have to say Twilight because it is the book that got me into reading in the first place. My life would be very different if I never read that book. So despite it not being the best book, I owe a lot to it.

September 25th, 2019

Day 8: What lesson in life are you most grateful for experiencing?

Day 8 is getting a bit heavy. The end of last year and the beginning of this year were some of the toughest months of my life. My mental state was not the best and my dad was in the worst part of his illness. I felt lost and utterly and completely alone. I found in myself such inner strength from dealing with all of that. I now find myself genuinely happy. I became very independent during this period and I learned how to be my own anchor and I also learned how to not take what other people say or do personally. Even things that my family would say that hurt. I learned to change my perspective. To stay grounded in who I am and what I believe. To do the best I can no matter what. But I also learned to follow joy wherever it is found. I don’t think of my dad’s illness in the same way. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t feel alone. I understand myself better and I understand being human better. I am different now, but also very much the same. So I’m grateful for how the hard times teach the most valuable lessons.

September 26th, 2019

Day 9: What place have you traveled that you are most grateful for?

When I went to San Diego and swam with the dolphins when I was a kid. That’s such a bucket list experience and I was happy to have had it. It was a really amazing experience.

September 27th, 2019

Day 10: What are you most grateful for in your childhood?

I’m grateful for God’s hand in my childhood. I don’t speak much about religion. I’m not here to preach or tell anyone how to live their lives, but I cannot deny God’s hand in my life. Before I was born, my family made a decision to move to a specific place not realizing that that was where they would meet me. I came into their care in a daycare and in so many ways I’ve never left. I’ve always felt guided. I also always felt like I could trust that everything would be ok because I was put where I was for a reason. Especially one experience where I was bit in the eye by a dog and they got my eyelid completely but missed my eyeball. I’m grateful I have sight in both eyes because of that. If that wasn’t a miracle I don’t know what is.

September 28th, 2019

Day 11: What movie are you most grateful for?

This is difficult. Only because I’ve rarely ever thought of movies in a way of being grateful towards them the same way I do for books. But, I have to say that recently it was Endgame. Spoilers: when I saw that Captain Rodgers actually did get to live out a full life with Peggy when I thought that was impossible it released a wave of both happiness and pain inside me. Or rather it transformed pain into joy. It gave me hope to know that in life what’s meant to be will be and that the universe works in incredible and mysterious ways. Most of the time not in the way you think it will.

September 29th, 2019

Day 12: What 3 people in life are you most grateful for?

This is an easy question. My mom, dad, and my sister. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. Even if we don’t always get along perfectly, my life would be radically different without them. I love them with all my heart.

September 30th, 2019

Day 13: what season of the year are you most grateful for?

I am super grateful for fall. The weather is cooler. Things get spooky. I feel more alive and there is Halloween to look forward to and Christmas is not too far behind. It’s one of the most exciting times of the year.

October 1st, 2019

Day 14: What rejection in life are you most grateful for?

In my life, I have experienced many rejections. Mostly from people.. and I’m not just talking about crushes. But, I think the rejection I am most grateful for is the very first one. I don’t like calling it rejection, but my biological mom gave up her rights to keep me and gave me to my grandmother on my dad’s side. From there my grandmother in a way gave me to a family during daycare and while she was in my life after for the most part that family raised me. I wouldn’t be who I am without that first pass off or from the second. It was like baby hot potato. But, I have a family who raised me from love so I’m glad for it. I don’t know if I’d like who I am if I was raised elsewhere. I love the life I was granted. I would never have wanted my life to be different.

October 2nd, 2019

Day 15: What about your body are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for all of my body. My ability to see and hear and touch and taste. I’m grateful for how my body heals. I’m grateful for my brain. I’m grateful for my bodies ability to adapt. To strengthen itself and show me that I’m capable of far more than I often believe. My body has gotten me up everyday and has experienced many beautiful things. I have learned to treasure it. I didn’t always feel that way.

October 3rd, 2019

Day 16: What band are you most grateful for?

The only true answer to this is Linkin Park. Even if I feel like in a way I shouldn’t be allowed to say so. It deeply reminds me of someone I care about and I don’t really know how they feel about me now, but Linkin Park is their favorite band and so I’m not sure about saying this answer even if it’s the only real answer to me that is true. Linkin Park’s Music is beautiful. It’s pulled so many people out of darkness. I even saw a video of a woman who used their lyrics to save a man’s life from committing suicide. Music that saves lives. Music that inspires people to walk in the light in a way that doesn’t shut out the fact that the dark exists. That’s incredible music. I am immensely grateful for it.

October 4th, 2019

Day 17: What about your job are you most grateful for?

I am grateful that I have it. That things have gotten better within it. That the majority of the people are worth working with, especially when it wasn’t always like that.

October 5th, 2019

Day 18: What trait do you have that you are most grateful for?

I am grateful for my sense of loyalty. Not necessarily just to people I care about, but to my ideals. I do my best everyday to be the best person I can be and to treat others well. The very basis of who I am is someone who wants to do some good in this life. Sometimes I mess up, but that’s ok. It all comes with being human.

October 6th, 2019

Day 19: What splurge item do you own that you are most grateful for?

I’m not lying when I say I never splurge. It’s not because I don’t want to it’s more that I convince myself that I’m better off saving for something for someone else. Or for an emergency. Last month I went to go by pants for myself at Forever 21 and I got these great pants for only $3.90 and they look amazing, but I got them for a very low amount. I’m really good at getting nice items for low prices. This includes books (which often come to me for free). I’m probably one of the lowest maintenance people out there. But, I have to admit if I see some shoes from Aldo or some sweatshirts and clothing from hot topic I want to buy them. Especially now that hot topic has this Hocus Pocus sweatshirt with witchy sleeves for $80 and I want that so bad. But, with Christmas coming I’m not even allowed to buy myself stuff. Talking about this makes me want to do a little splurging on myself. Maybe I’ll make a point of it after the year ends.

October 7th, 2019

Day 20: What are you most grateful for in your daily life?

I’m most grateful for the food I have to eat. Everyday I always have something and it’s usually something pretty tasty and the fact that I can eat everyday and try new foods when I want to is a wonderful thing.

October 8th, 2019

Day 21: What small item that you use daily are you most grateful for?

My earphones. They allow me to watch and listen to whatever I want without bothering anyone else with what I’m watching. They also help me to concentrate on one thing, especially if I’m listening to music while writing.

October 9th, 2019

Day 22: What Thanksgiving memory are you most grateful for?

Weirdly enough when I was a vegetarian for two years and this one thanksgiving my grandmother took me to her friends home for dinner and everyone tried to convince me to eat meat and I kept saying no. I’m grateful for this memory because it’s one of the first times I decided something about myself for myself that wouldn’t be changed because others thought it was strange. I may not be vegetarian now, but I do miss it. I never really learned how to do it properly and having to eat out quite a bit in a world where there isn’t always a vegetarian friendly option (looking at you in-n-out) I don’t really push it too much.

October 10th, 2019

Day 23: What use of your phone are you most grateful for?

The use I’m using right now. The ability to write blog posts and connect with others who share the same passions as I do. The amount of blessings I’ve received from blogging have been infinite and I will never ever regret one second of the journey I began 3 years ago! I truly am grateful for the friendships and opportunities that have opened up for me since starting and I know that there will be many more in the future!

October 11th, 2019

Day 24: What about social media are you most grateful for?

This is mostly a reiteration of yesterday. Because the social media I am most grateful for and that I care most about is WordPress. Blogging is an incredible thing. It’s changed my life multiple times. I know it will continue to in the future.

October 12th, 2019

Day 25: What are you most grateful for in your city?

That I live in a place with such a diverse amount of people and how you can go down a single street and see many different cultures and people living alongside one another.

October 13th, 2019

Day 26: What meal did you have today that you are most grateful for?

Both breakfast and lunch. My sister made food both times and when she makes it is always delicious. I had oatmeal in the morning and a meat soup with garlic bread for lunch. Both were amazing!

October 14th, 2019

Day 27: What are you most grateful for in your country?

I’m going to give a real answer for this, because I’m not always super patriotic and politics makes me angry and I can rant about certain things in politics for ages and get nowhere so.. that’s that. What I’m grateful for in this country is the people in it. No matter what craziness is going on the majority of Americans are good people who want to fight for what’s right. It’s the unity that I see in those who protest and who see injustice and call it out that truly make me feel good to be an American.

October 15th, 2019

Day 28: What about your home are you most grateful for?

I’m most grateful for having a home. A place to sleep. A place to keep myself clean and fed. A place where I feel safe. There isn’t really anything about it I’m more grateful for then anything else. All of it is precious to me.

October 16th, 2019

Day 29: What bill are you most grateful to be able to pay?

All of them? Rent is huge because without it I would have no place to live. My phone has everything and if I couldn’t pay that bill no one would be reading this now. Bills are such a necessary thing. The basics of living so I’m grateful to be able to pay them all.

October 17th, 2019

Day 30: What experience this month are you most grateful for?

I’m grateful for having dedicated myself to doing this and my yoga practice. I’m grateful because I’ve noticed that through these two things I’ve been able to reduce my anxiety and depression and to feel myself again. I’m so much happier today than I once was and I did that myself and for myself. I’m excited for the future and I’m excited for each day and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

Thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagram and Twitter!

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An Observation of Happiness

I have gone through a lot of personal transformation in my life recently. Technically this is something that is lifelong, but I have felt one of the first noticeable shifts in myself in the past 3 months.

The most important thing that has caused this shift in myself is my continuous decision to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. When I made this decision I immediately looked to find self care and self love practices to add to my daily routine. I knew it wouldn’t be an instant thing and it wasn’t. It took me some time to choose happiness and to let go of thoughts that didn’t add to my happiness.

It was a huge choice that lead to me realizing how deeply I truly value myself and I noticed how over time all negative situations and people began to leave my life and I’ve experienced more and more happy situations and positive interactions with others as well. But, most importantly, I noticed I was genuinely and peacefully happy and it wasn’t attached to anything outside of myself.

I feel like I could handle any situation in a peaceful way now that I’ve started the creation of this unbreakable peace within myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or angry or feel negative emotions, but more that when I feel those things I notice it and I ask myself why I feel that way and gently guide myself into looking at the situation from a higher perspective. This is especially noticeable for me when I think about the future. When I notice that I want to paint all the obstacles of what could be and I start to feel bad about what might be, I can easily get lost in those thoughts. However, I notice it now and I can flip the script and turn that negative thought pattern into a more positive one.

It’s to where I feel like I’m exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and that I can be at peace even if things aren’t exactly the way I’d want them to be. I’ve learned to deeply and truly appreciate every morsel of good in my life. Even the most mundane of things. Like being grateful that I have a chair to sit in or for the shampoo I use to wash my hair or for the face wash that keeps my face clean. Every single part of my reality that aides me becomes something extraordinary and wonderful. Something worth appreciating.

Especially my own body. I’ve noticed that I really truly have come to love and appreciate my body. Even my nose (a part that I’d disliked heavily for years and years) is now something I love about myself. I feel good in my own skin. I love the muscles that are forming in my arms from work. I love how I look in clothing I try on at the store. I love that I don’t care if what looks good on me is an xtra large or a medium. I used to cry sometimes when I saw something I thought was cute didn’t look good on me in the store. Forming a healthy and loving relationship with my body is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. I fully appreciate what makes me unique.

I no longer talk about mental health in quite the way I used to. I don’t because I know that for my own mental health I need to discuss this topic in a positive way or not at all. I no longer tolerate in myself the feeling of self-pity. I don’t meant that in a harsh way, but in a way of being a good friend to myself and treating myself the way I would treat one of my friends if they were feeling down by lifting them up.

It feels good to wake up and feel happy for every single small joy in my life. To be happy just to be alive.

Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for being a part of my journey. You are all incredible people. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful week ahead.

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-Till next time!

Ten Things That Bring Me Joy

I’ve been feeling a little down recently. Going to the hospital the last time while it was long, but not the worst experience, brought down my energy quite a bit. Sometimes, when things get me down I need a little break to rebalance myself and think about things (which sometimes gets me to be a little more on the sadder side, but I digress).

Anyway, I really don’t want to continue in that feeling for very long. So, I’m going to talk about some things that bring me a great amount of joy instead.

The following is in no particular order:

1. Seeing/touching/being with Animals!

I adore watching animal videos. I love seeing animals. I don’t really care what kind. I’ll talk to a lizard or a turtle in the same way I might talk to a puppy. I just appreciate and love any and all animals. No matter how derpy. No matter how spooky. No matter how gross (I’m looking at you blob fish). If it’s a critter and it’s in my presence I’m filled with so much love and joy just to be around them. That’s just who I am.

2. Eating Ice Cream

I’m a simple human. I love me some cold and delicious sugar cream. I love to try out different flavors and combinations. I love adding toppings to it. I just love ice cream.

3. Reading a good Book

The girl who has a book blog cannot have this list be completed without mentioning the thing she never shuts up about. I love books. I’ll never stop loving books. I’m so happy that I’m reading again, let me tell you, I was so not ok with the fact that I couldn’t read for a while. I’ve been heading out to buy books recently. I’m almost finished with an arc I’m going to review. I’m just so happy to be reading again.

4. BBQ Sauce

This is where I probably deviate from many of you, but I love this sauce. I had it once as a kid and since then every time I have it, it makes me feel like a kid again. Honestly, this sauce is my drug of choice and I know it’s probably not good for me, but I could put it on almost anything. It’s my addiction.

5. Good Music

I have a deep love for music. Growing up I didn’t really feel that way. I would only get to hear the radio stations my family enjoyed and it was all older songs for the most part. Then in elementary and middle school I found I had a love for Hannah Montana that since died, but also during that time I first heard songs from David Guetta and since then I’ve had an intense love of EDM music. But my tastes are pretty widespread and I’m not afraid to branch out at all. The only genre I didn’t like at all growing up was country (and some rap), but I’ve been trying to give it a chance recently (it’s a minimal chance, but still a chance). Either way, I love listening to it and it will always be a deep part of my life.

6. Dancing

I love to dance and it’s probably why edm is the bulk of what I listen to. I’m not really a good dancer. I remember being in a dance recital in kindergarten and loving it, but I haven’t had any other sort of formal training at all since.. so basically it’s at zero. But, I move based off of how the music makes me feel and the joy of it is all that matters to me. It’s so freeing and there really isn’t anything like it.

7. Going on Roller Coasters

I am a little bit of an adrenaline junkie. I will go on pretty much any roller coaster at this time and I have no fear of heights so a lot of the time it’s just a super joyful experience for me. The wind in my face looking down at beautiful scenery. It makes you feel so alive. That’s what I love about it.

8. Watching people create art

I’ve always loved art, but most of all I love to see how it comes together. I love seeing the decisions being made right in front of me. The creation of something from nothing, but the person’s imagination. Artists are Incredible. I’m fascinated by them. Especially when I’m so bad at creating art myself.

9. Sitting/being outside

I really love being in nature. Especially at a park and seeing all the birds, animals, and bugs just living their lives. Especially if I find a rolley Polly in the grass. I love picking up rolley pollies. I don’t care how childish that is, I love the little grey bugs.

10. The Stupidest YouTube videos I can find

Sometimes I try to hide how dumb my sense of humor is and how low a bar it has, but it exists and it brings me joy and that’s all that matters.

Thank you all for reading! This post was a joy to write. I’d love to hear some things that being you all happiness in the comments below!

-Till next time!

3,000 Followers Celebration!!

Every time I reach a major milestone it surprises me. This one is no exception. This one in particular is surprising because my blogging has been super sporadic and in general different. Mostly because I haven’t been reading as much or writing as much due to many different things. I’m working on changing that, but right now I’m a work in progress so I’m taking things one day at a time.

This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I don’t deserve this. Just because as much I’ve wanted to return to blogging and move forward positively something inside always blocks me. But, I’m going to keep trying. Because this blog has brought a lot of good in my life and I have to get back to where things are going well again.

I have so many books to read and movies to talk about and ventures to pursue. I’m tired of feeling stuck. But, I can choose to not be stuck. So that’s what I’m going to choose. So hopefully over the next few days, weeks, and months I’ll feel less like an imposter and more like myself. I have the means to turn things around for myself and so that’s what I’m going to do.

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me. I’m sorry that my blog has been so sporadic lately. I’m going to do my best in the coming days, weeks, and months to bring my blog back to what it once was.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

What Penny Marshall Meant to Me

Penny Marshall: 1943-2018

Penny Marshall played Laverne on the hit tv sit-com Laverne and Shirley. This is where I know her best from. As a kid I grew up watching this light hearted fun little show that brought me a lot of real joy.

Laverne for me was an icon. You saw her with that huge L on her chest and you knew to expect some great comedy. I spent my time growing up and laughing thanks to this show. It was one of those go to shows that my mom owned on DVD and replayed like no tomorrow.

Take two girls just navigating life and trying to find love with many a hiccup along the way and you get something great. I think about the story as a whole now and it’s all pretty simple, but the friendship and the family of the show is what makes it special to me. I have images and scenes of Laverne and Shirley that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

The two together were a gem. I wish Penny Marshall the most warm farewell and good tidings in the afterlife. She is an inspiration. I am grateful that she had a part in my life.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

My Thanksgiving

I didn’t expect it, but my Thanksgiving was the most normal and relaxed day I’ve had in a very long time. I might even call it peaceful. We had food, a lot of food. Pupusas, tamales, pumpkin pie, apple pie, and flan. Not your typical Thanksgiving, but what made for a great one in my family.

I sat and watched movies with my sister. Two horror movies, an thriller/action flick, and a romance. I enjoyed all of them. It felt like the much needed reprieve I’d been waiting for. Nothing big happened. Nothing changed. It was a day that just was and for that I am grateful.

It’s been hard to remember to be grateful recently. My family and I do not agree on a lot of things, but they will always be my family and I love them. I know that no matter what they’d never leave me behind. I’m grateful that at least I have a job. I hate it, but I have it. I forget to use it as the stepping stone to keep me afloat until a new door opens.

I also appreciate that even if so many doors have closed in my life recently, that I am young. I’m only 19. I have so many years ahead to figure life out. My journey has only began and yes a lot of sucky things have happened, but as they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. For the first time since everything has happened I feel excited about the future in a way that is different from before. I’ve decided to focus on myself. To focus on the things I want to do with my life. I’m going to work hard and be true to me.

It is going to be slow going for a while. I have a lot of pain that I need time to start to heal. I have a lot of questions with no answers that I need to let go of. But, I think I have the ability to work things out. To get past the sadness. To do something I can be proud of with my life. Even to one day find a love that is good for me. Someone my family loves. Someone I can share everything with and who knows they can share anything with me.

I’m thankful for the life experiences that I’ve had. The good and the bad. It’s kept me with a decent head on my shoulders. I’m thankful for books and I’m thankful for movies. Stories give hope in the dark. I’m thankful for being alive. I have a chance to meet people and see amazing things. It’s a good time to be alive. I’m thankful for the opportunity to move forward. I’m going to do what I can to turn my life around and take the world by storm.

Thanks to all of you for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

In Response…

A few hours ago.. before I went to sleep I got a very special notification. My favorite person in all the world Andrew @GroovyGlasses whose name has become quite a common occurrence on this blog lately had sent me an email.. which is typical as of late.. we talk a lot. Anyway, he told me he had written something for me and of course it didn’t matter that it was 1 am.. I HAD to read it. So in a haze I excitedly took to WordPress and started reading his latest post he titled A Special Post for a Beautiful Person.

When I tell you all that no one and I mean no one had ever done something that meant as much to me as this post did to me I truly mean it. I had to bite back tears. Andrew is the sort of guy that books are written about. Those guys that you wish existed, because if they actually did you’d fall in love immediately and live this incredibly beautiful life. He is that to me. Except he is better then any fictional character I’ve ever read about.. actually better and not just because he is a real person, but because of who he is.. because his soul is the brightest I’ve ever seen.

You know what’s the most insane part? We’ve only known each other for two months. Talk about a cliche ya romance. I had my doubts that that was something that could really exist. It’s real and it’s so so beautiful. I am so lucky. So incredibly lucky.

Andrew is a musician. He writes these amazing lyrics and I know that his musical composition is amazing too. He likes to think that he isn’t this amazing person.. but he is. He is really special. He talks in his post about how he believes I will become this amazing author and I’m here to tell you I don’t know if those are shoes I can fill, but I’m going to try. But, if he doesn’t think that through his music he’s not going to touch so many peoples hearts he is delusional. He works so hard. More then anyone I know. By dedication alone I know he will make it further then he ever imagined. That he’ll become one of those people the world admires and doesn’t quite understand how his existence is possible.

Already, I don’t know how his existence is possible.

For once in my life.. someone has made me truly incapable of finding all the words to fully express what they mean to me. Because the full words for it simply don’t exist, not in English or any other language. Feelings like this, they can only be felt, not written or heard or seen. This blog.. it’s nowhere near the biggest blog in the world or the best (sorry Andrew.. I just can’t even think to claim that), but it has been really good at bringing people to my life that I genuinely connect with. Andrew being the one human being on this earth I don’t understand exactly how or why.. if anyone let me I’d talk about him like Ned talks about his wife on Buzzfeed.. my feeling for him are that gushy and infinite.

I was floored last night. I am still floored this morning. If I could.. and I probably will.. I would try and become one with my flooring just starting at the ceiling and wondering.. is this real? Is anything real? Is Andrew real? Am I real? And being able to answer yes to every single question.

The odds of him being the one to stumble upon my blog. The odds of his first comment to me. Those are some odds that go beyond infinite. It’s truly something I will never be anything, but grateful for.

To Andrew. You are the light of my life. I can’t believe you exist. I can’t believe you wrote that for me. I will forever be grateful to you. Thank you for being in my life. Even if neither of us were expecting or particularly trying to be in the others life. That’s what makes this so special. I have no idea what’s in store for us, but I know this.. it’s going to be beautiful.

Thanks for reading! I feel weird about wanting to hear all your thoughts on this, but I do.

-Till next time!

2nd Year Blogoversery Celebration!!!

I don’t really have words. I have been blogging for only two years and yet it feels like I’ve been a part of this community since forever. Over time this blog has evolved and had growing pains and has been as much of a rollercoaster as my life has been. I am so proud of this little piece of the Internet I have carved out for myself. For the love I have received from this community. For the joy and opportunity this has brought into my life.

Blogging truly has saved my life. Without blogging some of the things that have come to pass in the past two years would have been unbearable. I never imagined just what was in store for me thanks to this incredible decision I was so unsure of at first and was basically forced to take by my sister. I owe this all to her. She might not realize it, but because of her getting me to create this blog I’ve had the most beautiful things come into my life unexpectedly. I wouldn’t have made connections with fellow bloggers. I wouldn’t have made connections with authors. I wouldn’t have found the person who holds my heart.

I feel so incredibly lucky because this blog though I may not receive any financial support from it has given me things that are beyond anything of monetary value. I have no words for the peace it’s given me. The love it’s gifted to me. The friendships it’s allowed me to have. In two very short years my life looks nothing like it once did and I know in the next two years things will change further in even more beautiful ways.

In two years I’ve written over 500 posts.. accumulated over 2,700 followers.. had my posts viewed over 50,000 times… that’s absolutely insane!!! I don’t have words for this. I’m just a simple bookworm who loves books and is now starting to write about all the things I love. I’m so eternally grateful. If your reading this THANK YOU!!! This is one of my proudest achievements.

So I can’t finish this off without one last very special thing.. to link back to the very first post I ever wrote. I had no idea the kind of ride I was in for back then. https://thebookravenblog.wordpress.com/2016/10/14/hello-world/ What’s crazy is that post has 14 likes.. which is the amount of likes I used to get crazy happy over. Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if only one person was engaging with my content. This world of writing and books has always been my greatest passion. I’m so full of joy to be able to share that with all of you every day. If I made one person happy I consider that a great success.

Thanks so much for reading! Thanks to each and everyone of you for making this journey amazing. I have so much love for this community. Thank you!

–Till next time!

What I’ve Learned By Taking Time For Myself

I think one of my biggest problems was always not valuing myself. I always equated that with selfishness and equated selfishness with being ‘bad’. At home, this created a situation where I was either fully immersed in my own world and berating myself for it or the days after that happened where I put my everything into trying to be better and doing everything I could to ask my family for forgiveness because of what I would say when I was sad, angry, and frustrated with the things life gave us.

It got to the point where I had this all or nothing mindset.. I either was perfect that day or I wasn’t. I either did exactly as I should or I didn’t. I either fought against my thoughts or let them consume me. I didn’t know what balance was. All my life in front of others it was always easy to present myself as a person that had nothing wrong with her. When I look at my yearbook and the things others have said about me it touched my heart, because it showed that at least in public I was the person I wanted to be. That people could tell I tried. That I cared. Even when I thought I wasn’t much noticed at all.

If it always easy to show that other side of me in public why was it that I have always been so reclusive at home? What is it about being in my own mind that made it think that I was doomed to be a person that I hated? An angry person. A jaded person. Someone that could barely stand to look in the mirror.

When I am at work or when I go out and speak to anyone.. I always think to myself that if I could I would be kind. Everyone has something going on beneath the surface and we all deal with it differently. If I could make someone smile or lift some small burden or make them feel good for a moment I would always make sure to do that. Yet.. even if I knew that meant that I wanted to be someone good I couldn’t stop thinking that I wasn’t, but I think I realize now that it’s not something I could or can control, but that it is a lie. You’re own thoughts can lie to you. They can tell you you’re ugly. They can tell you you’re dumb. They can tell you that you lack worth. They can tell you that who you are at a basic level is wrong. Those are all lies. When we believe the lie that we are terrible and unworthy we do things to prove that those things are true till we believe them.

I see that when my sister (the most well dressed person I’ve ever known) looks in the mirror and changes outfit after outfit thinking that she doesn’t look good when she always looks beautiful. It makes me upset. Why do we lie to ourselves? What causes that? How is it that there have been countless times that I had convinced myself that I didn’t belong in my own family when I know that they love me?

It makes me upset because even as I am starting to come out of the lies I’ve told myself.. I want to scream at the girl that wrote the most desperate heartbreaking poetry that it would be okay. That she was going to be okay. That she could handle what was coming and that she wasn’t awful. I want to hug her. To tell her that her sister loves her. That her mom accepts her for who she is. That even as her dad seems like a whole different person that she would always be his little girl.

I always wanted to prove that I wasn’t my birth mother who couldn’t raise me and gave me to my grandmother whom took the little girl I once was and all the love I wanted to give her and crushed it.. crushed it by saying I wasn’t enough, that I didn’t matter, that the person I was raised to be was too much like the family that she sent me to live with and not enough like her, that gave me conditions to her love, that thought that the only way to get what you wanted in this life was by playing dirty. Everything in me that was like her I hated. How sometimes I held a pen between my index and middle finger when I signed my name, or how I would sometimes stand with one of my feet pressed on the inside of my leg, or the competitiveness in me that at times went too far, or that I had to have an explanation for everything.. had to analyze everything, I even came to hate my own smile the way my lips were thin like hers, or that the shapes of our faces were undeniably similar. To feel that way constantly.. it’s no wonder I turned to YouTube and movies and tv shows to drown out the sound of my own thoughts.

These past few days.. these past few months of just trying to be kinder to myself. Of trying to find happiness in my struggles. Of actually being happy. I can see the lies. I am not my grandmother. I will never be like her. Being this happy. I’ve been able to let myself take care of me. I’ve found value in myself. It reminded me that there are things on this blog I’d like to do. Things like actually reading the Bible and sharing what I actually think about each chapter. Things like returning to Beyond the Surface and doing posts on books that discuss mental health and what it feels like to live with the weight of it. Things like poetry. Or talking about music and shows that I’ve watched. Being as spontaneous with my blog as I once was when I first began.

I want to say that I feel like a different person, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I am the same as I always was. My mom always told me that I was too honest. That I trusted people too easily. That I wasn’t careful. Maybe, I have always been honest with others, because all I ever did was lie to myself. “Always be the change you want to see in the world.” I took that to heart. I’ve always wished that people could be more honest and open with each other, more understanding. I do that in public, but the irony was that I didn’t keep that truth for myself. I think that so much of my life I did whatever I could to make myself believe my own lies. I gave into them, but not completely. I was my own worst enemy.

I knew that the day everything fell threw and the relationship with my grandmother ended.. I had already forgiven her, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. In the things in me that were like her I couldn’t forgive myself. But I think now. I think now I have or at least I’ve started to. My grandmother let the things that happened to her turn her into someone that carried her anger like armor, shield, and weapon. I could not touch her, but I can choose to be a different sort of person. Who set anger aside and picked up compassion instead. Someone who could choose love for herself and for others, for the family that raised her. I can choose to be happy. To let myself feel that I deserve it. To watch shows that make me laugh, to learn from video games that tell stories (like Detroit become human), to be present with my family and joke with them, to take time to enjoy every moment.

Living life in anger and hatred and self-depreciation isn’t living.. it’s a life trying to imitate the motions. I want to share who I really am and live in every single moment. I want to love. That’s what these beautiful few days have taught me. To take every good thing as an opportunity for happiness and joy and every bad as a opportunity to respond with kindness.

We all need to value ourselves. To value the heart that never stops beating. The lungs that bring us air. To value our passions and dreams. Our desires for a better world. To remind ourselves that sometimes we are the ones that lie the best to ourselves. That sometimes we need to step back and let ourselves enjoy being alive.

I never expected for this to happen. To feel like the part of me I carried that was damaged and broken would start to heal itself. That it was starting to heal itself not just these past few days, but slowly over these past few months, but accelerated by the past few days.

I want to thank all of you. Every single one of you that likes one of my posts, reads it, comments on it. This community has given me the world. I would have never felt like this without all of you. I would have never felt so much like the real me. You are all so beautiful. The lights of friendship that I will always hold dear.

Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts as always.

-Till next time!