Why I Haven’t Been Blogging

A long time ago now, when I first started blogging, I used to blog practically everyday. I read like my life depended on it and I never let myself miss days. Then life happened and I stopped for a while and I’d restart over and over and over again and it’d be ok for a while, but it wouldn’t last. I haven’t gotten myself to make it stick.

In the meantime I’ve gotten myself so far behind as far as books to read and review and posts to create that a lot of the time it feels impossible when I try to come back.

In March in particular, I started college again. I am study to be a pharmacy technician and eventually to become a full pharmacist. I need a better job and the ability to increase my income for my family. Along with the heavy class workload im still working as many hours as I was before and honestly, I’ve just felt myself get exhausted and all I’ll want to do is watch a movie or YouTube or play Fortnite with my friends at the end of the day.

I’ve gotten pretty overwhelmed with life. I want to read and write and blog too, but I can’t seem to get into the mind frame I need to continue and it breaks my heart.

However, last night, I had a particularly awful night and my dad has deteriorated further and it causes him to yell and be angry a lot of the time. I’d just finished watching ‘The Killing of a Sacred Deer’ which had already put me into a weird mindset and then I helped my sister put my dog into her harness and she bit me (it was my fault not the dogs). I felt this odd sense of going through motions and feeling the solid ground of life crumbling beneath me.

At this point I’d started to cry and I’d texted my partner all that had happened. Then, they started talking to me about this story they’d come up with a long time ago. It was about a hero who felt burdened by his power. His power that was so unique and special yet so fragile. A power that temporarily relieved ailments in a marble and the bigger the ailment the more fragile the marble. As I asked them for more details about it I felt myself calm down. Then, I’d said “You know I need a bit of that right now.” And they told me that my situation is what inspired this in the first place.

I was floored. I felt seen and loved and stunned when they told me that they’d come up with it a few months into us dating and hadn’t told me about it till now. It made me appreciate them for the person they were. It also made me want to write again. It reminded me of that feeling of discovering how a story is created bit by bit. It also made me feel that my partner is and always has been perfect for me.

My life has been in a lot of turmoil the past couple of years. I’ve had Abdiel by my side for over 2 years and they’ve given me a peace and a hope during all the crap I’ve been given for all of that time.

When I talk to them I realize that I can focus so heavily on the pain that sometimes I miss the joy that is standing right there in front of me. Abdiel who thought up a character that’d give me a short bit of relief from the life I live. That would give me a moment of joy. That is one of the purest forms of love I’ve ever felt in my life.

I want to blog again. I want to write stories again. To give others that feeling my partner gave to me in such a beautiful way. Things in life have been messy and it’s not really going to get any better. However, I can chose to give myself time for my passion and to give myself and others that temporary relief in life, because sometimes that’s all we’re really needing and searching for.

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